Hi AS. That is awful about your dad’s stuff being gone. So sorry to hear that.
Thank you! It's a bummer, but there are still a few cool items that will be nice momentos. There's a large pencil caricature a friend of dad's had done of him in Mexico in the 60's that I've always loved, I'm going to grab it if my brother doesn't want it. And there's a pirate cap gun that was his when he was a boy that miraculously is still there. Neither have any monetary value, but have a lot of memories attached to them.
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Re: your (X)GF. TBH...I am sure there are some good things about her but it really does sound like the bad may be outweighing the good here.
Well I don't want to pretend I'm a perfect angel and it's 100% her fault. You are just hearing my side of the story. She says that I say mean things that are hurtful and that she can't forget, and my XW told me much the same. I do tend to get really angry when I feel attacked and say things in the heat of the moment that I regret later. I mean she does it to me too, but I chalk it up to her being mad and pretty much purge them from my mind after a fight whereas her memory lasts FOREVER. She'll bring up stuff I said years ago that I have absolutely no recollection of. So I can forgive and forget, but she can't. At least not easily.
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I’m a mental health therapist... I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS. You really do.
She has two very different sides to her. I'm not saying she has MPD but when she's sweet she absolutely gushes about our R and how happy she is and how much she loves me and such. When she's mean, just... holy cow watch out. The mean version will push every last button over and over again until I explode, then switch into victim mode. Often after one of her tirades she will be very apologetic and talk about how bad she was and doesn't deserve me and won't do it again. But the cycle will eventually repeat.
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but do the fun times really outweigh the bad times?
In the last couple of years the mean side of her has been coming out far more frequently and staying longer than ever before. This is what led me to finally break up, I just can't take the abuse anymore.
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You give others on here such fantastic advice...what would you say to someone else in your situation?
Do you know the analogy about boiling a frog? If you turn the heat up really fast he'll jump out, but if you turn it up very slowly he'll just sit there. That's kind of the situation, it didn't happen overnight. So while it's easy now to look at it and say "wow this is really toxic" it wasn't at all evident 5 years ago, or even a year ago. So yes I see it now and have jumped out of the pot, LOL! Thank you for your thoughts!
Originally Posted by kml
Agreed - depressed people can still have empathy for you in your loss. Heck, even my batchit crazy ex-boyfriend with manic episodes would be there for me in an instant in a situation like that. This is a character issue and I'd stop communicating if I were you.
Yes I do really think that was the wakeup call. I didn't know her until after my D, and nothing really serious has happened to me between then and now. I have a close friend that I talk to about her and I have said several times before that it seemed like she was unable to feel empathy, but this time, there's just no "seems like" about it. She obviously can't, and that's a pretty big deal for sure.
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I'm sorry about your dad's stuff. Doesn't sound like there's any money in the estate so you don't have to worry about those bills, you're not responsible for them.
Thank you! Yes we are considering just taking what we can from inside the house (not much at all) and walking away. I've looked at comps and feel pretty strongly the house is not worth the debt owed plus realtor fees. We are having a realtor look at it this week and based on that will determine whether we walk away or try to sell it. I'm an architect and have done a lot of remodel work, but it needs a good 70k of renovation and renovated homes in the area only sell for 325-350 so that would be a break-even proposition. Not to mention the challenges of trying to flip a home that's 250 miles away.
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However the things I value aren't things of monetary value. After my mom died I discovered a box with my father's things from when he died in 1969 - his wallet, his belt. That was great to have.
I really wanted his cat's eye ring because I was always fascinated by it when I was a kid and he always had it on when I was growing up. It was just so "him". I doubt it was worth much. But that too is gone. -sigh- Dad really didn't save much so there are hardly any things there from when we were little. He did keep a lot of art I made as a kid which is cool, but that's memories of me rather than him, you know? But like I said above his Mexico caricature is still there and I do like that. It's the silly things I latch onto. When my grandmother passed I took her toothpick dispenser because she loved toothpicks and used it daily, and used the same dispenser from as long as I could remember. When my other grandmother died I took a plastic water container she kept in her fridge for much the same reasons. It's those little things I look at in my house and remember them by.
I am very sorry that your father passed away. My condolences to you and your family. It's going to take a while to settle up his estate, but once it is done, the weight of the world will be off your shoulders, i.e., expenses, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry for your loss, AS. Take the time to mourn your dad's passing. Don't let the actions of your ex GF disturb you. As they say in this forum, her actions should be like water off a duck's back. Remember that time and distance will help you heal. Take care of yourself!
Do you know the analogy about boiling a frog? If you turn the heat up really fast he'll jump out, but if you turn it up very slowly he'll just sit there. That's kind of the situation, it didn't happen overnight. So while it's easy now to look at it and say "wow this is really toxic" it wasn't at all evident 5 years ago, or even a year ago.
Not only am I familiar with this analogy, I use it ALL the time. It is the one analogy I use to explain why I was conned by my XH for so long in our marriage. It was so gradual, I just didn't see the forest for the trees...another analogy...lol
Anyway...I wish you much peace and love AS. (((HUGS)))
Very sorry to hear about your Dad AS. Hang in there man.
As for the now XGF, good for you for not tolerating bad behavior. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, but it sounds like something more than that with her. Every R is a learning experience.
I know you will but I'll say it anyway, keep posting!
Still talking to XGF but just as friends. She's having trouble with her D and who validates better than me? Haha! It's interesting because her D is doing the EXACT same damaging behavior that XGF did at that age, yet XGF seems oblivious to the -obvious- connection. Reminds me of that old PSA commercial where the dad catches his son with drugs and says "where did you learn this???" And the kid says "from YOU dad!" Anyway she did eventually apologize for her behavior after my father's death, but it was a very generic "I guess I did something wrong, don't know what is was but sorry" kind of thing. Not exactly from the heart.
I've been messaging with a lady I dated years ago (after D, before dating XGF), we've said "hello" on and off ever since but once she found out I was single again the contact ramped way up. She is quite different than XGF. She's very chill, sweet, calm and comforting. Really open about things going on in her life, doesn't hide anything or bottle it up. Also quite attractive. Dark hair, dark eyes, part Native American. Same age as XGF. Of course I'm not naive, she's on her best behavior right now so time will tell if she has a dark side, LOL! We're talking about getting together soon for lunch or dinner, just to catch up in person.
Still working through the mess that dad left behind. I can't remember if I mentioned this previously but inexplicably he just quit opening mail about 6 months ago. I've been going through a mountain of mail that contains junk, unpaid bills, collection agency notices, notice of foreclosure on his house, etc. Amazing. Turns out he owes 266k on a reverse mortgage on his house and it's barely worth that. I'm trying to convince my brother and sister that we need to just sign it over to the mortgage company and walk away. My sister feels an emotional attachment to the house though. I don't, because there was a lot of physical and mental abuse that took place there at the hands of my dad. My sister did not experience that (she's 10+ years younger than my brother and me). So she wants to list it and see it go to a good family. I've been trying to tell her that selling it will open the door to any number of debtors to come out of the woodwork looking for restitution. We're all meeting there next weekend to sort out what to do.
Originally Posted by job
I am very sorry that your father passed away. My condolences to you and your family. It's going to take a while to settle up his estate, but once it is done, the weight of the world will be off your shoulders, i.e., expenses, etc.
Thank you Job! Yes I will be glad when we are done sorting everything out. It's an annoyance to me but it's just killing my sister (she lives there in Houston, so she's having to deal with most of it).
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Sorry for your loss, AS. Take the time to mourn your dad's passing. Don't let the actions of your ex GF disturb you. As they say in this forum, her actions should be like water off a duck's back. Remember that time and distance will help you heal. Take care of yourself!
Thank you! Yes quite right, it really hurt but it's absolutely a reflection on her and not me. Shame on her for being like that, it's pretty despicable. But at least it showed me her true colors.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Not only am I familiar with this analogy, I use it ALL the time. It is the one analogy I use to explain why I was conned by my XH for so long in our marriage. It was so gradual, I just didn't see the forest for the trees...another analogy...lol
Anyway...I wish you much peace and love AS. (((HUGS)))
Yes! People are like "Why would you put yourself through that for so long?" but they don't understand the WHOLE picture, it didn't start out that way! Early on things were really good, even fantastic, right? They don't see that part, just all the toxicity. And I think we stick it out thinking "this is just a rough patch, we'll eventually get back to 'normal'". It takes a long time for us to realize that all the toxicity IS the norm. And thank you, I appreciate it!
Originally Posted by Gekko
Very sorry to hear about your Dad AS. Hang in there man.
As for the now XGF, good for you for not tolerating bad behavior. Everyone has a bad day every now and then, but it sounds like something more than that with her. Every R is a learning experience.
Thank you! We had a great R for a long time, really great in fact. It's a bummer it didn't stay that way, but as you and I and pretty much everyone here knows all too well- relationships change over time!
KML, I do believe you are correct. I saw the kinder, gentler side of her for many years and came to believe that was her true nature. The red flags started a couple of years ago when her tune started to change. And I would even ask her things like, "you used to tell me ABC but now you say XYZ, I'm confused on why you've changed on that" and she would reply "but we had just started dating and I was trying to impress you." So yeah, looking back I see the warning signs were there!
