Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
AS, Sorry to hear about the double whammy. Do what you gotta do. You are one of the people on here that keep me coming back. Thanks for your input to this community.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
First, I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my 87 year old mom in September in a similar way, very unexpected, she was in good health for her age.
Second - dump this girlfriend YESTERDAY. I am serious. She has just shown you something about her character that cannot be fixed. I know it's a lot to lose her and your dad in the same week but honestly, she's got something pathologic going on. Plus it sounds from the tenor of her responses that it's entirely possible that she slept with some other guy on her binge weekend.Just block her and lose her number. What kind of girlfriend doesn't show up for you when your parent dies and at least TRY to fake some empathy? She's got a critical flaw and there's no way tto debug that program. Over.Period.
I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. And I’m sorry to hear your girlfriend was to say the least, not supportive. If I recall, early on she did some disappearing act and was in the hospital for something? She may just have a personality disorder she self medicates
You’ve always seemed like a guy who had his sh!t together, you should be with a woman who at least semi-does
I'm so sorry AS. Lost my Dad on Memorial Day. I know how tough this is. Agree 100% consider that a bullet dodged. You deserve someone who is present and kind.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Very sorry AS for your loss. I agree with what the others have said as well about your gf. She needs to go and I wouldn't be shocked if someone else was in the picture.
Thank you all for the kind words! Funeral was this past Friday in Houston. My XW had encouraged us to take out a burial policy on dad years ago which we did with part of my grandmother's meager estate. I'm so glad we did because dad left absolutely nothing behind except a house with a reverse mortgage that he owes an astonishing 266k on. We don't think the house is even worth as much as the debt, so we may end up walking away and letting them repossess it. It was already in default because he didn't return a simple form stating it was still his residence. I found the blank form in a stack of 6 months worth of unopened mail. I also found many unpaid bills and some letters from collection agencies. Unbelievable. I can only hope that any of you that lose your parents don't have to go through the pain of losing them and then getting slammed with years of irresponsible behavior on their part that you've got to deal with. Anyway even with the burial policy my brother, sister and I are out of pocket thousands in additional costs. The funeral and grave-side service was quaint but beautifully handled.
Some of you may recall my half-brother who passed away from a drug overdose not too long ago. Dad mentioned that some things had "disappeared" and were probably pawned/sold/traded for drugs by the half-brother. In going through his house we're finding that anything worth more than a few bucks is gone. Dad didn't have many prized possessions- some jewelry, some antique guns, an antique mantel clock, etc. It's all gone. Not that any of it was worth that much, but many of them were things dad had since we were kids and we wanted them to remember him by.
Originally Posted by LH19
I imagine you are doing so well because once we got through what we went through we are now mentally stronger. Sounds like you had a good run and maybe it’s time to move on. Maybe it’s time for you and the ex to be another success story?
Anyways I’m really sorry and I just want to say what a great asset you are here on the board. You have a way of gently giving out great advice.
Thank you LH, I appreciate that! It was a good run and it does seem it has run out. I'm still talking to XGF but there is a lot of resentment on her side (some on my side as well) and a complete lack of empathy regarding what I'm going through. The lack of empathy is something that's always been there but I guess I always downplayed it. Hard to ignore this time though. As for me and my XW, strange as it may sound I have a lot of trouble visualizing a romantic R with her anymore. We're good friends and I'm not sure I want anything more than that.
Originally Posted by Maika
Hey AS!
So sorry to hear about your dad. I wish you and your family well in this difficult time. It $ucks to hear how your GF is handling things and sounds like she's dealing with some of her own demons and projecting it out on you.
You've pulled me out of the darkness many a time and I just want to thank you for your honesty, compassion, and feedback. Take care and hope you get to spend some time with your family and friends in the next coming days and weeks.
Much love!
Thank you Maika, you are too kind
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
AS - So sorry to hear about your dad. The loss of a parent is never easy. Sounds like you have some good people to help you through it.
Yes! One is a long-time friend I've known over 30 years who has been very supportive. The other is an artist friend I've known online for years but met for the first time two years ago, and he has been absolutely amazing calling me several times to check on me and talking to me for hours. And of course all of you are fantastic as well!
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Sorry to hear about your gf too. Sounds like she has some problems of her own to work through that have nothing to do with you. Best to let her do that on her own - especially if she is going to be so nasty to you. There is never a good reason for that kind of behaviour.
She has been going through a LOT, mainly with her dad and her daughter (her dad has custody of her daughter, long story). And her business is struggling, and she has trouble paying bills. I have tried to be there and be supportive throughout, but I get really tired of being her whipping boy when she's tired and frustrated. Then when something goes wrong in my life I get zero support from her. I'm seeing all of this a little more clearly now.
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I second what LH said. You are a huge asset to this board and I am one of the lucky recipients of your valuable advice. You have been a great supporter of mine and I thank you...it has helped more than you know.
Thank you, that's really great to hear!
Originally Posted by Dawn70
So sorry for the loss of your dad.
Thank you!
Originally Posted by Twofeet
AS, Sorry to hear about the double whammy. Do what you gotta do. You are one of the people on here that keep me coming back. Thanks for your input to this community.
Thank you so much! It surprises me to hear comments like this, sometimes it's hard to gauge what impact we're having with our posts. So it's good to hear your comments and the others here.
Originally Posted by kml
First, I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my 87 year old mom in September in a similar way, very unexpected, she was in good health for her age.
I'm sorry for your loss!
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Second - dump this girlfriend YESTERDAY. I am serious. She has just shown you something about her character that cannot be fixed. I know it's a lot to lose her and your dad in the same week but honestly, she's got something pathologic going on.
She has struggled with mental health issues in the past. Depression, anxiety, etc. At one point I took her to the hospital and sat there all day with her while they did tests and got her on medication. She quit taking it a few months later. So yeah, I've been ignoring red flags for years.
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Plus it sounds from the tenor of her responses that it's entirely possible that she slept with some other guy on her binge weekend.Just block her and lose her number. What kind of girlfriend doesn't show up for you when your parent dies and at least TRY to fake some empathy? She's got a critical flaw and there's no way tto debug that program. Over.Period.
I don't think she did but who knows. She posted pics on IG and FB and it all seems to support what she told me- that it was a bday party for a friend and they did a "onesie bar crawl". It was some kind of local event in Dallas where you wear a onesie and go from bar-to-bar drinking. Whether she slept with someone or not certainly doesn't diminish her complete lack of empathy though. I did break up with her, we're still talking on and off but it's short and terse.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. And I’m sorry to hear your girlfriend was to say the least, not supportive. If I recall, early on she did some disappearing act and was in the hospital for something? She may just have a personality disorder she self medicates
Oh wow, I forgot about that story. That was a different GF! I guess I can really pick them, LOL!
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You’ve always seemed like a guy who had his sh!t together, you should be with a woman who at least semi-does
Thank you, I promise I will work on that!
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm so sorry AS. Lost my Dad on Memorial Day. I know how tough this is. Agree 100% consider that a bullet dodged. You deserve someone who is present and kind.
Thank you and I'm very sorry to hear about your dad!
Originally Posted by DS9
Dear AS
I offer you my deepest sympathies and condolences at the passing of your father.
I’m sorry to hear of the difficulties your gf gave you too.
Thank you for being there for me in my sitch.
With you in sympathy,
DS
Thank you, I appreciate it!
Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
Very sorry AS for your loss. I agree with what the others have said as well about your gf. She needs to go and I wouldn't be shocked if someone else was in the picture.
My sincere condolences.
Thank you, and there could be someone else. I've suspected it before, and I've asked her (politely) if there is as some things don't add up. She denies, denies, denies. But she has a history of gaslighting so I honestly don't know what to believe and not believe. Which of course is a big problem in a relationship! It's one of the reasons I've kind of kept her at arm's length.
Hi AS. That is awful about your dad’s stuff being gone. So sorry to hear that.
Re: your (X)GF. TBH...I am sure there are some good things about her but it really does sound like the bad may be outweighing the good here. I’m a mental health therapist... I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS. You really do. From what you say, there have been many highs and lows in your relationship. Those highs and lows can be very addicting... but they aren’t love... not in the truest sense of the word. Love is kind, forgiving, accepting, and stable... I know your gf is young and beautiful and lots of fun when she is not struggling...but do the fun times really outweigh the bad times?
You give others on here such fantastic advice...what would you say to someone else in your situation? I know we don’t know everything about people’s sitchs on here but I feel like I know enough about yours to say that you deserve better AS. You really do. (((HUGS)))
I have all the empathy in the world for people with mental health issues. However, it sounds as if there is also a personality issue...and a character issue. You deserve better AS.
Agreed - depressed people can still have empathy for you in your loss. Heck, even my batchit crazy ex-boyfriend with manic episodes would be there for me in an instant in a situation like that. This is a character issue and I'd stop communicating if I were you.
I'm sorry about your dad's stuff. Doesn't sound like there's any money in the estate so you don't have to worry about those bills, you're not responsible for them. I'm sorry there aren't more keepsakes available for you. However the things I value aren't things of monetary value. After my mom died I discovered a box with my father's things from when he died in 1969 - his wallet, his belt. That was great to have.
