Hoosjim's back... and maybe his WW, too (?)

[hoosjim]

So here is the thing. I will quote a line from Queensryche, "I Don't Believe In Love""

"She said she loved me,
I guess I never knew,
But do we ever,
Ever really know?"

I love this forum. If for no other reason than that i know i can come here and get Queensryche in response to a post...

You of course raise several good points, Steve, and some of those have already been swirling in my head. Does it really, at the end of the day, matter? Any more than if I (or she) has a one-time fleeting thought at some point about another member of the opposite sex ("Hmmm, nice, wonder what...")? And would i believe her 100% if she said "no"? Perhaps not. Probably the only way i 100% believe her is if she were to say "yes." I certainly don't think I'd take any action at this point... we both "chose" to come back, I had certain paramaters/boundaries that i insisted on, certain things i absolutely needed her to fess up to and come clean on... and she did. And we've had a great relationship with only one, to this point, hiccup. At this point we've each accepted the other back, at this point pretty unconditionally (barring obviously any future infidelities) and are moving forward. Maybe i just want to know more details about that night, idk... even if she lied when telling me, i'm just wondering how it came about, what the context was...why she never mentioned it as she came clean on everything else... even after i made it clear i knew about that. She's certainly come clean about things that i know were extremely difficult for her to admit to, but not that. Given everything else she's said/done, it would have been consistent of her to bring that up at some point, so regularly has she voiced remorse and sorrow over both the general situation and about specific wrongs, especially ones she knows i know about and that bother me.

And i am probably making it sound on here like it is a bigger deal to me than it actually is... I am not about to walk out on her or even go off on her or anything. But it has put a thorn in me, and I am constantly on guard nowadays for things that might threaten or weaken the relationship, even down the road, and having this dark doubt in the back of my mind sure seems like it might qualify.

I'd thought about the IC option, but the IC in my case is also our MC. Not sure i could really see her confidentially. I mean, of course i could see her confidentially, but W and i have resolved to be very open with each other, to discuss if we have any concerns, doubts, or issues, and we have generally done so, and MC is generally of the opinion that H/W should generally be completely open/honest with each other. That said, MC has, in the past, confidentially served each of us (W and I) in the capacity of IC, so she is certainly comfortable doing so, and i am sure she would be willing to do so again. Logisitically, I would likely just tell W there are some things that I need to work out and feel like i need to talk to Jessica in IC. Of course, if i do that, it's going to raise all sorts of doubts in my W's mind, and my W has a tendency to let her imagination run wild and assume the worst, and W is certain to keep asking me about it and bringing it up. So it's problematic from that standpoint. Options: 1) Talk to IC, don't tell W (I'm keeping secrets) 2) Talk to IC, tell W but not why (her imagination then drives her crazy wondering) 3) Talk to IC, tell W why, (which seems silly, might as well just discuss it with W in that case) 4) Do nothing (It likely passes after W gets back later this week and we reconnect, I get over it, and we move on... or maybe it festers like a tiny tumor... idk.)

All in all, first world problems, I suppose, given where we have been in the past and where we are now. I probably should have made it more of an issue at the time and insisted on discussing it and getting some closure. Not sure why i didn't . Maybe i feared the answer.

[Ready2Change]

I did not reconcile. I am in a new long term relationship (Close to 10 years now).

With my lady, I do not ask questions about past sexual experiences. When she brings them up, I will listen. I make it safe for her talk so I can know the "real her". Can you get mentally to that point?

You will know all her "dirty secrets" and still be OK with it and love her more for being open and honest and vulnerable?

[SteveLW]

Hoosjim, all great points. I really do believe in the PTSD thing though. So maybe #2, explaining to your W that you have some hangups that you just need to work through and that you will be completely open with her about what those things are if she really wants to know. But that you think it is best working it out in IC instead of burdening her with your hangups.

Maybe that won't work. Maybe it will.

I'd say go with #4 first, if it doesn't stop festering then move on to #2 with as much openness as she needs to feel comfortable.

[hoosjim]

I did not reconcile. I am in a new long term relationship (Close to 10 years now).

With my lady, I do not ask questions about past sexual experiences. When she brings them up, I will listen. I make it safe for her talk so I can know the "real her". Can you get mentally to that point?

I agree with and am comfortable with that paradigm. Actually, so is my W, and we have both been open with each other about past sexual experiences before we met.

Problem is... the dynamic i am talking about here is a little more complicated, don't you think? We are talking about sexual experiences here that, necessarily, involve betrayal, infidelity, adultery and which are potentially the most proximate and painful hurdle to be overcome in our reconciliation. It's one thing to openly discuss, with your current spouse or significant other, relationships you had before y'all met... it's quite another to discuss intimate relationships either of you had with someone else while you were still in a supposedly committed relationship with each other.

The former, i know from experience i am comfortable with. The latter... I honestly feel like i don't know, although I fear that deep down i do know and that that's why i avoided digging that deep on that point.

Maybe a quick session with the IC, on the QT, wouldn't be a bad idea...

[Ready2Change]

it's quite another to discuss intimate relationships either of you had with someone else while you were still in a supposedly committed relationship with each other.

That is why I made it clear about my first person perspective and can't give you my "Hindsight".

Browse here, "understanding affairs" might have some insight for you:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

[hoosjim]

Hey y'all,

For those who've followed my sitch from the beginning, you'll recall that one of the significant contributors to my MR degrading and falling apart, followed by an affair and near divorce, was my own ill health. I had a series of progressive and chronic conditions that literally almost killed me and was one of the things (financial trouble the other) that led me to an extreme degree of self-absorption and to me, in many ways, just giving up on a lot of things, my W and MR included. Those health problems were eventually unwound and solved, and I returned to a level of health probably better than at any time since my early 20s. (I am 53 currently). Unfortunately, the damage to my marriage was already done, and my wife and I almost did not make it through it. As youll recall, through a series of occurrences including my finding of the DB-ing resources (and for all of which I attribute a great degree of divine intervention) my wife and I managed to reconcile, and in just over 3 months time we will hit the two-year mark of that reconciliation process.

Now, however, I find myself in a quandary. I've been having increasing levels of back pain over the past 2 to 3 months, ultimately leading me to undergo a surgery (microdiscectomy) a week ago which, rightly or wrongly, I had come to believe would be relatively "minor" as such things go with a relatively short recovery time. Long story short, the surgery appears to be a failure, having made things worse, not better. (More pain, more numbness and tingling, and definite continued nerve impingement). Additionally, of course, I am now even more restricted because of a) the surgical wound and b) the fact that i now have an unhealed hole in my disc from the surgery that must be protected by not bending, twisting, or lifting anything over 10 pounds. So, I am borderline "worthless" right now... No sex, no helping with chores (touch and acts of service my W's two primary LLs ) no driving, and none of the other fun, physically active things I like to do. Best case scenario is that this is just somehow very short-term and I make a miraculous turnaround next week. Likely case to worst case, however, based on my prelim research is some level of additional surgical intervention which would be significantly more intrusive and keep me on the shelf much longer than this was supposed to have. (I see doctor on Tuesday and will know more).

Either way, as of right now, it looks like I'm going to be significantly physically limited for a period of weeks at least. Given that my physical transformation was such a significant component of my GAL-ing and 180-ing during DB-ing, this makes me nervous... As does the thought of my W again having to face a physically failing hoosjim... which was, as i noted, a significant component of the bad old days.

So I'm looking for input here, both practical from those who have experienced similar disability, as well as relationship-based, so that I don't fall into much of a rut, or get in a place where my health is impacting me too much, and/or impacting my MR.

Any thoughts on what I can do to: stay useful? Stay active? Stay romantically attached with wife? Not be a bummed out Grinch because I'm in pain, useless, and unromantic? Otherwise keep my MR "fun" during the time I am going through this?

I'm a different person now than I used to be, and much much much more well equipped emotionally and mentally to deal with this sort of crisis... But the specter of the past does concern me.

Prayer I got covered, but I certainly wouldn't mind others throwing in for me in that regard.

All thoughts welcome

[Ginger1]

In sickness and in health.

Sometimes it’s not fun.

Sometimes one spouse has to give 80% while the other can only give 20%.

This is an acute phase. You need to focus on your healing. And focusing on your healing shows her that you want to go back to being the active loving husband you were. If just sink into a depression, that probably where things will go south.

Right now it’s ok if you can’t go out and have fun and have sex and all of that. You shouldn’t worry about her straying because of that right after surgery.

So first, stop thinking you are a bummed out useless grinch. And instead think of yourself as a strong guy on the road to healing.

If you can pay the bills, continue to do that. Take the time to talk to her, joke around, talk about her day. Rub her feet. Kiss her. Compliment her.

But your focus should be on getting better. And I hope you do begin to feel some relief soon.

[Core]

Hey Hoosjim,

Back issues are no joke. I'm sorry to hear you're facing the problem and the pain.

A few thoughts:
Touch LL: You can still kiss; can tell her she looks beautiful and to come to you for a kiss.
Sit close at meals, hold her hand when you can.

Acts of service LL: If you can financially afford it, you can have flowers delivered to her. Order in meals. Work on bills/budget. Organize a trip for her to a spa.

You can show your perseverance by continuing self help books while your incapacitated and healing. Organize physical therapy once you are allowed by your doc to show W you're not waiting around. If you have a job where you can enhance skills from home via books or online material, now is a good time.

My mother had back issues and rarely allowed the time to heal, causing more issues in the end. Take the time to heal on this one.

I'll pray for you.

[ovrrnbw]

Jim, life isn't always ice cream and blowjays but we can certainly make the best of it.

Attitude is everything, pick a winning mindset every day.

"A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, so hone your mind this time."

Best of luck my friend.

[job]

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