Ask yourself - would it be a baby step to winning her heart back if you accepted her choice to divorce, or would it be a baby step to her heart if you resisted?
Oooh that's a tough one!
I don't know.
One hand - if I accepted her choice, that means I'm not getting in her way and possibly shows I'm thinking about her feelings first. Downside: I don't care enough to fight.
Other hand - I resist (even thoug hwe have both agreed not to fight and keep everythign amicable) and she sees I'm fighting. Downside: she can see it as being deliberately obstructive, just to be petty or whatever.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Wow--so she goes away on holiday, you're dying to text her or see a text from her, and what you find on the day she gets back is a divorce petition citing Unreasonable Behavior.
Originally Posted by "Dan35"
In July she suddenly didn't contact me for 3 weeks. She wouldn't respond to any texts at all
Any idea what caused this transition from hanging out, sex, and texting daily to zero response? Your story's baffling in how quickly it turned from what you describe as a happy marriage (May) to divorce (August).
I don't know if you can win her back, but one of the below sounds more compelling. I hope you get your second shot. After 8yrs of you say a good marriage, her giving up over this is surprising.
Originally Posted by "Dan35"
One hand - if I accepted her choice, that means I'm not getting in her way and possibly shows I'm thinking about her feelings first. Downside: I don't care enough to fight.
"I love you, so I'm letting you go. I have not given up hope on you coming home."
Originally Posted by "Dan35"
Other hand - I resist (even thoug hwe have both agreed not to fight and keep everythign amicable) and she sees I'm fighting. Downside: she can see it as being deliberately obstructive, just to be petty or whatever.
"I love you, so I'm keeping you! You have to try harder if you want to get away from me."
What does fighting or resisting look like to you? If you mean contesting the Divorce, don't do it. It will cost you thousands in legal fees and you will still lose. Once she tells a judge that your previous porn addiction makes living with you untenable, he will grant the Divorce. You've caused aggro and it'll strengthen her belief that she's right.
Most of us here think that your marital problems were not insurmountable and that she may be overreacting BUT that is her right. It may seem unfair and she may have been influenced by others, but that is her choice to say enough is enough.
I know we chewed your ear off for being weak and helping her with the house etc. There is a vast world of difference between helping her divorce you and being obstructive and resisting. You can be pleasant and amicable without helping her out with this.
I cannot see that you have much choice here. You are not in a position to take aversive action and force anything. IF you get the opportunity then you can say that you think the M is worth saving. Otherwise you have to stand strong, be pleasant but not a push over and wait for an opportunity. It may never come, but then again it might.
Your story's baffling in how quickly it turned from what you describe as a happy marriage (May) to divorce (August).
Yes. This is what is on my mind a lot. We were happy. She went from distraught (mid-May, on discovery) to anger (end of May), to calm and much more positive (June), to suddenly "I need space" (July) to "it's over" (end of July).
It's the speed of all this that I do not like. In 3 months she's decided to say goodbye to the last 8 years of her life. It is frustrating.
On the petition, she said that "he declined marriage counselling." I have NO recollection of her suggesting counselling. At all. If she did, I've forgotten it as it owuld have been a fleeting mention, not a lengthy discussion about it.
But as Yorkie says, I don't have much of a choice. Neither of us has the money to contest/fight the divorce.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
"I love you, so I'm letting you go. I have not given up hope on you coming home."
I like this. I might send it to her after responding to the form.
Whatever this opportunity is, I hope it does come soon.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
She said "We should go with someone reasonable so they can sell the house quickly and make it painless. We have no chain so that's something."
I replied: "I hate the thought of some scummy family living in the nest [our word for the house]. Not looking after the garden or keeping the bathrooms up to scratch."
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
She said "Yes I know what you mean. I won't miss how hot it is though."
[It's such a well insulated house that it is VERY hot in the summer, even with windows open!]
I want to reply with this: "I will miss a lot about it. The location. The kites and dragonflies swooping by. The bees in the garden. The The walks near the river and the curious cows in the fields nearby. The garage. The herbs we grow for cooking. The space. The little animal figurines we placed among the plants. The nice evenings we had with friends. The safe feeling I get when I walk into our bedroom. Being able to walk into town to get literally anything. Having the alarm. The knowledge of coming back after a trip away to a comforting evening of cop dramas on Netflix and chocolate. The fact we ended up with such a wonderful nest that we had never dreamed of getting. The extent that we put our stamp on it in 3 years."
Advice? Is this deemed 'pursuing'?
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
