Really sorry to hear the update Steve. I have to think since he used the term "sexy" that pictures were exchanged. Sounds like your W enjoys receiving attention from other men. Has she ever worked through that in IC?
Really sorry to hear the update Steve. I have to think since he used the term "sexy" that pictures were exchanged. Sounds like your W enjoys receiving attention from other men. Has she ever worked through that in IC?
LH, I would be surprised if she sent pictures. I'm guessing he based that comment on her game profile which pulls her Facebook profile pic. But you are correct, I do think she likes getting compliments from other men online. I am not sure I ever mentioned that her and I met online back in the 90s.
No, I don't think she had worked through that in IC. We barely touched on it in MC, though she was full blown wayward then.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For me it seems pretty innocent. I wouldn't make too big of a deal of it. Like R2C said, make life outside of game playing more interesting. Do you also play these (online) games?
I haven't looked on your thread in quite a while, but something told me to take peek today. I can't remember if I told you about my online gaming and the inappropriate things it led to, but it was an avenue to connect to men. I enjoyed hiding behind a computer and flirting. I think back then, and perhaps still, a lot of men used gaming (that require anonymous cyber players) as a means to connect with women, too, b/c they were eager to turn flirting into sex talk, and then get contact information and go from there. IMHO, these are lonely, bored people who start playing these online games and then it becomes an addiction b/c it involves conversation between the two players that become inappropriate. Her gaming may have started out innocently, but once she crossed the line that very first time and got a thrill from the conversations with the men, she won't ever be able to innocently play again without risking a backslide. Just as an alcoholic cannot ever drink without it speaking to that old addition. Currently, I have no desire, nor do I think about going on line to play. In fact, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to remember back........but I'm not going to test it. Why should I? I don't need it, and can find plenty to do without it.
I'm going to tell you what I told Hoosjim. A recovering WW cannot participate in the same activities that brought troubles into her MR, and think it won't happen again. It has been over 12 years since I went online to play a game. I recognize it as a snare, so I'm going to stay away. For some people, it is a certain environment that gets them into trouble. For others, it may be the friend(s) they are with at the time. Your W has a weakness in this area of playing games with online strangers, engaging in flirty conversation, and then first thing you know......they are talking on social media, texting, or emailing, etc.
Although the MR has been going well, she has not conquered this area of weakness that she has. I don't understand why husband's think it is okay for any other man (who is not a close blood-relative) to have private conversations with their W. Is it b/c our society makes H's think they should accept that old lie of "just friends"? If a woman is married, she has no business having a private friendship with any man........period. IMHO, once the H and WW reconcile, then it should be understood from the beginning that she will have no private electronic (or other) contact with any man. If she won't agree to those terms, then the H is going to have more problems along these lines. I know our modern society tells us that is outdated and women are free to have friends with men, b/c they are equal, yada, yada, yada. Well, the same rule applies to husbands. If a man & woman are married, they don't have private friendships with the opposite sex. This is not a form of control, IMHO. It is a form of protecting the MR. Don't open the door to wolves (male or female).
So, I'm concerned that she is slipping back into an old behavior pattern. She will probably have to give up playing online games, altogether. That's also why the housework has slid, b/c it's consuming her time/attention. I can't remember if she agreed to certain terms of reconciliation that you laid out. I believe the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better. If you feel it necessary to gather more intell, just don't go too long, b/c of the damage it does to you.
Steve, does she have anything outside the home, like hobbies, church programs, community work, etc.?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do not. Her online gaming and singing is about the only socializing outside of the family and church that she engaged in. LH nailed it. She has admitted for years that new people, mostly men, don't realize so if her flaws. She has this idea that if someone knows her flaws then she isn't good enough.
She also is an extreme introvert. Not that she is shy or quiet, but it drains hey to be around people in person. Online she can socialize without the energy drain she gets in person.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I haven't looked on your thread in quite a while, but something told me to take peek today. I can't remember if I told you about my online gaming and the inappropriate things it led to, but it was an avenue to connect to men. I enjoyed hiding behind a computer and flirting. I think back then, and perhaps still, a lot of men used gaming (that require anonymous cyber players) as a means to connect with women, too, b/c they were eager to turn flirting into sex talk, and then get contact information and go from there. IMHO, these are lonely, bored people who start playing these online games and then it becomes an addiction b/c it involves conversation between the two players that become inappropriate. Her gaming may have started out innocently, but once she crossed the line that very first time and got a thrill from the conversations with the men, she won't ever be able to innocently play again without risking a backslide. Just as an alcoholic cannot ever drink without it speaking to that old addition. Currently, I have no desire, nor do I think about going on line to play. In fact, it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to remember back........but I'm not going to test it. Why should I? I don't need it, and can find plenty to do without it.
I'm going to tell you what I told Hoosjim. A recovering WW cannot participate in the same activities that brought troubles into her MR, and think it won't happen again. It has been over 12 years since I went online to play a game. I recognize it as a snare, so I'm going to stay away. For some people, it is a certain environment that gets them into trouble. For others, it may be the friend(s) they are with at the time. Your W has a weakness in this area of playing games with online strangers, engaging in flirty conversation, and then first thing you know......they are talking on social media, texting, or emailing, etc.
Although the MR has been going well, she has not conquered this area of weakness that she has. I don't understand why husband's think it is okay for any other man (who is not a close blood-relative) to have private conversations with their W. Is it b/c our society makes H's think they should accept that old lie of "just friends"? If a woman is married, she has no business having a private friendship with any man........period. IMHO, once the H and WW reconcile, then it should be understood from the beginning that she will have no private electronic (or other) contact with any man. If she won't agree to those terms, then the H is going to have more problems along these lines. I know our modern society tells us that is outdated and women are free to have friends with men, b/c they are equal, yada, yada, yada. Well, the same rule applies to husbands. If a man & woman are married, they don't have private friendships with the opposite sex. This is not a form of control, IMHO. It is a form of protecting the MR. Don't open the door to wolves (male or female).
So, I'm concerned that she is slipping back into an old behavior pattern. She will probably have to give up playing online games, altogether. That's also why the housework has slid, b/c it's consuming her time/attention. I can't remember if she agreed to certain terms of reconciliation that you laid out. I believe the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better. If you feel it necessary to gather more intell, just don't go too long, b/c of the damage it does to you.
Steve, does she have anything outside the home, like hobbies, church programs, community work, etc.?
Thanks Sandi, your fear is mine as well. Admittedly I went the path of letting her go and letting her decide to comeback. I didn't give hard conditions. The only real condition I made was that if another EA occurred then she was out of chances. That I would insist on ending things for good. I think much of what you online here is true, and I agree. But I do struggle with the control aspect.
No she's not involved too much in much of anything. Care for our daughter, teaching the nursery class at Bible study, that's about all. Then she had the online singing and gaming.
I'll continue to try to monitor. I'm not sure how this guy got her email. The particular have she plays that he also plays only allows canned messaging.
Sandi, thoughts on my next steps?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, first I'm sorry to hear about this, it's got to be gut-wrenching.
I'm going to disagree with the others, I feel like you need to confront her right away because it's only going to continue to progress if you don't. She's well on her way to going wayward again. It sounds like you caught it fairly early because she's not reciprocating, but she is definitely not doing anything to stop it or even slow it down either. And the fact that she is covering her trail is a CLEAR indication that she KNOWS it's inappropriate. If she is all-in with the marriage then she should at least be telling him something like "you're saying things that are making me uncomfortable, please refrain" and at most should be blocking him. I would talk to her, ask her why she feels the need to let someone speak to her that way and then hide it and ask her what she would suggest to get things back on track. Try to be as loving about it as you can, but do get it out in the open and address it.
Up until my W went WW, I was always the guy who wouldn't get involved with women who had "guy friends" and needed to take pictures for online validation (not that Steve's W is doing this.) Being married to a WW certainly tests the limits I previously had.
If you don't talk to your W about this, will it seep out in unhealthy ways? For me it would. I could see myself getting angry easily, taking small things to heart, or being passive aggressive. Best to lay it all out. I bet your W wouldn't approve of you doing these things. Might be a few curse words thrown around if the roles were reversed.
Remember Steve, you're the man. A good, hardworking, good looking guy who cares about his family. You deserve better than this. You deserve respect. Know this and live this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
