W came by this morning to pick up our S2 for the day. We ended up chatting for awhile, started with her asking about the separation agreement.
W: I just don't see how either of us can afford to live on our own in our current places (she's worried she'll be making far less than she was last year). Me: Yes, I see that it would be more difficult.
I then made the mistake of suggesting we could actually work on our marriage and see if we can turn this back around.
W: We shouldn't be doing it for financial reasons though. Me: I completely agree. For me there are other reasons if you're interested in hearing them. W: (sits down) Sure what are the reasons? Me: We have a child together. And most importantly I think we've been going through the toughest stage in our relationship and we werent equipped with the knowledge of how to handle it. I think we can get back there if we both choose to want that. W: I see that but I'm not sure if you were ever passionate about me. Me: I can assure you I was but didn't really know how to express myself, especially as I felt you pulling away. I just thought we'd get through it. I can't go back in time but I understand how that made you feel. W: I felt like you were judging me and I couldn't be myself (starts getting teary) and I don't want that for the rest of my life. Me: I see I made you feel bad. I agree that I've been too judgmental in the past and I didn't realize how that affected you. I certainly don't want you to feel that way either and I think I've made improvements in that area and I want to love and accept you for who you are, warts and all. I'm sorry I made you feel that way.
She also said there hasn't been any EA or PA's but she admitted that she was liking the attention she was getting from other men (mostly even from her work friends) and it made her feel appreciated and special. I again said I was sorry that I didn't do enough to make her feel that way. Having a baby and dealing with her dad's illness maybe got in the way of us connecting like we used to.
We kind of left it at that so we will see if she thinks about this further...I don't think she will at this point so I'm not getting my hopes up.
But I took the following from the conversation: 1) She's maybe not as finished as I thought she was but it's still looking bleak. 2) The root of the problem was her not feeling special, loved, and accepted. Combined with everything going on around us and in our lives she felt trapped in her current situation.
Moving forward:
1) No expectations but I'll continue to detach with love. 2) I'll invite her out to the odd family outing. She can choose whether to accept or not. (I did this last week, just invited her to the park with us, and although she said she was stuck at work she said: "thanks for thinking of me, have fun, heart). 3) I will do the odd thing that makes her feel special and loved (unless you guys say that's a bad idea). Im not going over the top but even just something little here and there to let her know I'm trying to make her life easier and more enjoyable. 4) I will continue to move forward with the S agreement as really nothing has changed in the situation and she needs to start helping out.
