...and now I’m second guessing myself. Did I just let myself get pulled into a mini R talk and the show too much attachment? Was that a temp check? F***
No I think you handled it all quite well. When it comes to D4 then by all means if he wants to be more involved by going to school activities and such then you should back that completely no matter how uncomfortable you might feel around him. Now if he's wanting to do family stuff with you, like the two of you take D4 to the zoo for example, that's a different matter. But if he's just going to something at the school and you'll be there as well then yes, that's fine.
Thanks AS. I feel a tiny bit better in the light of day. I know it’s a good thing that he wants to attend these things; it makes our daughter very happy, and that is what matters.
I guess I wondered if his asking me if it was weird for me if he comes was a temp check? It only matters because if it was I messed it up, so I want to be able to ID any future ones...
He’s coming to pick up D4 again this evening. I’m going to remain cordial but pull back more; I’m messing with my path to detachment by being as friendly as I’ve been and getting pulled into the small talk thing.
I guess I wondered if his asking me if it was weird for me if he comes was a temp check? It only matters because if it was I messed it up, so I want to be able to ID any future ones..
I don't see it as one, and I think your response was a good one. Yes it feels weird but you're still OK with him being there. That's a great response really, it shows detachment.
You handled it really well. Your H was probably assuming you would get triggered and lash out, instead you stayed calm, admitted it was a little awkward, but that you were okay. It's not always wrong to share a little emotion here and there - you showed that you have emotions, you didn't overshare, and you can handle them. You even got feedback from your H that he was surprised! There will be times you get zero feedback, or even negative feedback. Enjoy the small victories!
Whatever your personal history aside, I think it's normal for your H to show increased interest in D4's life. It's going to be difficult to go through. I think you have the right mindset to focus on how it impacts D4.
Warning, these are not good detached thoughts. I’m trying to purge them out before I see H this afternoon. I sense him being extra careful around me lately, my guess is that he is trying to make sure not to give me any false hope. Some people here have said that I didn’t push him to file D papers, that his doing it shows that it was inevitable and I just may have sped it along. I guess that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t feel like it now. He probably could have gone on in limbo for years. I couldn’t have. But, maybe I could have or should have been more patient. Part of me misses the mixed signals, they gave me hope. But my hope was only hurting me, and keeping me hanging on. Not that I’ve let go yet, obviously. But I believe what everyone says, that letting go is the only possibility for a chance at recon. I’m trying. I wish I were stronger. I wish I had that “his loss” feeling. And honestly I wish he did too.
(((Hope))) It does get easier over time. I have the “his loss” feeling about 90% of the time and the other 10% comes in short waves that I just ride out. The bottom line is that you cannot control what other people do or say or feel... you can only control yourself. So that is where you need to put your efforts. It is okay to have hope...you don’t want to lose that ever. But hope for a better you and a better future and a better relationship...regardless of who it is with. Keep working on GAL and your PMA. (((HUGS)))
Hope, one tiny word of warning. It's about your last sentence.
"I wish I had that "his loss" feeling. And honestly I wish he did too."
I know that feeling well. But don't wrap your head in knots with what you assume he is or isn't feeling. You do have clues, and know how to read him probably better than anyone else. I get that. But you only have to review Blu's story to know that we don't actually know what the WAS is thinking during these times. The either A) Absence of emotion or B) Abundance of emotion makes it very difficult to read them in any "normal" way that we are used to.
I don't care if a relationship splits because of MLC, because of an affair, because it was just the "right thing" to do - it's major for ANY relationship to be on the rocks. And he is feeling something in his own way - but it's not his normal thought process because this is not a normal situation. So you can't read him like you maybe always have.
When I stopped guessing what my WAS was thinking I was able to let go just a bit more. I was able to shrug my shoulders and just say, "You know? I don't know what she's thinking. I only know how I feel and what I'm thinking". And that really helps reframe things. It stops the cycling to a certain degree, and I find it a good practice to constantly remind oneself of this fact.
You’re right, it’s really hard for me to stop mind reading attempts. It’s just another way I try to soothe my anxiety with control and information. I also use it to try to keep my hopes in check. But I end up all over the place. And it’s so true, I have no idea what H is thinking at this point. I’m trying really hard to detach from my desire to figure it out. It’s so hard right now; this divorce process has been started, and I don’t want it to happen, so I’m back again to anxiously waiting to see what will happen next. My anxiety level is very high and I’m desperately trying to soothe myself, in all the wrong ways.
Last night H texted me before he got here to see D4. He said he had a bad day and he was stressed and had no energy, and asked if it was ok if he and D4 came back here a little earlier than usual. Kind of strange for sure. I just told him I’m sorry he is stressed and no I don’t mind. Not sure what that was about.
D4 and I are going with 2 moms and their kids to a lake cabin for a few days. I’m really looking forward to some time away and some relaxation.
Last night H texted me before he got here to see D4. He said he had a bad day and he was stressed and had no energy, and asked if it was ok if he and D4 came back here a little earlier than usual. Kind of strange for sure. I just told him I’m sorry he is stressed and no I don’t mind. Not sure what that was about.
Nice validation!
On the mind-reading, I drove myself so crazy early in my sitch that I developed a method to stop it. If I assumed my W was thinking something, I would mentally list out all the alternative options. And then I would look at the list and realize I had no clue which one was right, so may as well stop trying to mind-read.
Example, your H wanted to drop off D4, he had a bad day:
- He is questioning the decision to D - He had a bad day at work - He didn't get enough sleep and he was cranky - The barometric pressure in the atmosphere exerted extra pressure on his neck, giving him a mild headache throughout the day. - D4 wore him out - He was lying about being stressed, and really just wanted a break - He was going to meet someone else - He was feeling guilty about the D and wanted you to have extra time with D4 because he recognized how you were feeling - He was trying to soothe his own guilt - A driver honked at him putting him in a foul mood - He cut himself shaving in the morning - He ate something that upset his stomach
