Let me know if I misread your situation. You have mentioned the pursuer/distancer dynamic (also called anxious/avoidant). It's common for both partners to feel disconnected from the other in these relationships.
I'm fairly certain you identify as the pursuer/anxious one. When the distant partner says they don't feel emotionally close to the pursuer, it is confusing. "What do you mean? I've been trying so hard."
You don't need to balanced detachment with allowing your H to see the parts of you that could be his friend. Detachment alone will lead you there. Once you become a secure, emotionally aware, stable, resilient person, you will naturally draw others closer to you for connection and friendship. It's part of the Zen paradox of DB.
UGH you’re right again Unchien. I’m waaaaayyyyyy in my head and spinning out. I’m gonna avoid H this evening when he comes for D4 and go do some head clearing.
H wants to discuss some stuff related to D4 this evening. Question: if he brings up stuff specific to the D (papers have been filed) is it appropriate or crazy to stick to “I need more time to think” style delay responses? Are those only recommended for when legal action hasn’t been taken yet?
Does he want to discuss these things when he comes to pick up D4?
If so, pick-ups and drop-offs are not good places to have serious discussions about anything. That is very disruptive to kids. I'd suggest having a phone call or a separate 1:1 if discussions veer into serious territory.
Of course if he just wants to discuss some minor things about D4 and you know what those things are ahead of time, maybe it's okay.
If he wants to discuss the D, saying you would like time to think is completely valid. In fact, I would say even if you thought your H was offering more than a fair compromise, you should *still* say you need more time. You are not on his timeline, this is completely ok.
WHEW. That was intense. H wanted to talk about starting to pick D4 up at school on his days with her, rather than at my house. I’m proud to say that despite feeling intensely triggered, I talked about it calmly, validated a bunch and casually agreed to what he proposed. He looked very surprised. Major 180 for me. He then brought up that he wants to attend the welcome back to school picnic. Again, triggering, as he never came to those kinds of things when we were together. He asked “is that weird?” I told him I’m surprised, because it’s new and different, so it’s weird in that way, but that I understand why he’d want to go. He seemed surprised again. He asked if it was awkward for me. I was honest, and said yes it is and I got a tiny but teary eyed. (That was not detached and I’m kind of annoyed at myself about it). He also got a bit teary talking about how he wants to be more involved in D4s life. He talked more about wanting to pick her up from school as she gets older (triggered). I was cool, calm and ALMOST “acted as if” the whole time. I’m proud of myself. Right after he left I got a very strong urge to text him about how he is welcome to be unlocked dinner D4s life every single day if he would just stop this. Don’t worry, I didn’t I feel a combination of very sad, relieved it didn’t turn into a big D convo, and proud of how I handled it.
...and now I’m second guessing myself. Did I just let myself get pulled into a mini R talk and the show too much attachment? Was that a temp check? F***
