Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

After a chat with a trusted friend, I've decided not to say anything to the kids today. I need to look at this now as a business deal, and I don't want to tip my hand. They of course would text/call H right away, and things could get ugly. I will wait to speak with my attorney before I do anything.

As you can see, I'm all over the place. But, I think I now have a plan, and it feels good.

Life is still good.

Grace

[BarbH]

Grace, I don't know what to say, but I wanted to say something-yours is one of the threads I've been following to try to gain some perspective on my sitch. I'm just sorry that he had to pull this on you. But following your threads, you seem to be getting stronger and stronger with each page I've read-and I think your plan is a good one-and really what you need to do to protect yourself.

Good luck

[DnJ]

I need to look at this now as a business deal, and I don't want to tip my hand.

(((Grace)))

Yep. That’s the needed and correct view. Business like. Keeps emotions out if it, less spinning. However, the bigger benefit is compassion and the better vs bitter path you’re on. No emotions means no dragging you down and fighting in the mud. Just business.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I'm also starting to doubt anything he said about shame, guilt, and depression. Maybe he is just a person with bad character. I'll probably never know for sure.

I agree with your biz deal approach, I am trying to do the same. And of course I as usual agree with DnJ but I would like to inject a Gerda-ism into your heart as you roll up your business sleeves. What you said here about doubting his guilt, shame, depression -- hey, do not doubt the power of the Holy Spirit! OF COURSE he feels those things. He can't not! The guilt is a direct line to the Holy Spirit, whether he believes or not! But he is not going to listen to those promptings now. We don't know when, or if he ever will. But we know the promptings are real. Don't doubt that those feelings are eating away at him and are far more real than the silly and often pathetic things he is trying to do to drown them out and from which you (you and me both!) sadly have to protect yourself.

[Grace21]

Barb, DnJ, and Gerda - thanks for your support. I truly don't know where I would be without this forum to vent, journal, or to get advice.

DnJ - My emotions are settling quite a bit, but my stomach is in knots a lot, and I have no appetite. Losing some weight too. It's been tough, I won't lie. I'm having thoughts of hurting and embarrassing H (I've got plenty of ammo), but of course I won't. But, I see your point, and I can do this as a business deal. First up, contacting my financial advisor tomorrow. I won't tell him this now, but he will be losing my business.

Barb - Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad my thoughts are helpful to you. I will follow you more closely too.

Gerda - Thanks for the reminder that God is still watching and working. I needed that reminder today.

*****************

I was greeter at church today with another woman I met once at the women's Christmas party. We could not stop talking. It was great. Anyway, my faith journey came up, and whether I was married. I gave her a brief summary of recent events. She said "Wow. You would never guess you are going through something like that. You are so joyful!".

I told her that yes, I was, and my Faith journey these past months has made me that way. She is not the first person that has said something similar to me. No matter what events are in store for me in the coming days, weeks, months, I am determined to continue to let the love of Christ shine.

God is good.

Grace

[BarbH]

The faith journey....this is something I'm contemplating. I haven't been to church in, well, forever. But I was married in the church (Anglican) and those vows meant something to me.

I had a strange experience about 3 weeks ago, and haven't actually told many people. (and now here I am, posting on a bulletin board!) I was laying in bed, reading and for once, not thinking about H. I felt a warm, soothing glow come over me, and a voice in my head kept saying "he's coming back" over and over. I felt so contented and safe, I just kind of said "oh, okay then" and went to sleep.

This actually got me thinking about God again, and I had almost convinced myself he didn't exist in the past few years.

So thank you Grace and Gerda, for bringing up faith. I am thinking he works in mysterious ways.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

I’m sorry about the loss of appetite and the knotted stomach; it’s a tough slog. All pains along the path to acceptance; perfectly normal and perfectly healthy.

You seem to gravitate towards understanding, something I think is key to letting go and accepting. Looking for the why of things. To me you’re removing another layer of denial, with that come a bit of shock and depression. Again very normal, and so very healing. Walk through and experience the pain and emotions, and continue to let them wash over you.

I am very please, and proud of you, to see that you are not firing all that ammo at H. Hurting and embarrassing him, might feel good for a little while - and that is a pretty small might, and very short lived. The regret from doing such a thing is another item you would have to accept and forgive yourself for later, and you do not need those self placed boulders in your path.

Besides, along with choosing better instead of bitter, which is so much for you, H will most likely be more amicable when negotiating. I know, icky feeling. Intellectual car - perform this business deal ethically and intelligently, you will be grateful you did.

As you know, this will pass, and your appetite will return in time. Speaking of hurting tummies - mine is a bit upset. While mowing grass today, every time I rode by the apple trees I picked and ate one the juicy fresh apples. After nine of them, I felt a little icky, and had to stop eating. Oh, but they were sooo good. I did think of you, as I gorged myself, both as apple loving friend and nurse with admonishing wagging of her finger. An apple a day is good - nine not so much. I fear these will pass too.

DnJ

[DejaVu6]

(((GRACE))). So sorry my friend. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids. DnJ gives you great advice on taking the high road and making the dealings as amicable as possible. I did this and the financial hit was as minimal as it could be. The hit to the heart...that’s another matter. Time, space and, as DnJ said, choosing better over bitter (do darn tough sometimes!!), will help. Sending you lots of love and healing energy across the miles!! xo

[Grace21]

Emotional day.

Spoke with H. Asked him about his imminent purchase of condo with OW. He blamed, deflected, accused. It was not pretty. But, bottom line. He is using marital assets to buy a place with her. He's an idiot. He couldn't even say it. He said "She is buying a place, and I am contributing". Again, he's an idiot.

After I called him, he immediately sent two urgent messages to our financial advisory asking if I called him. Financial advisor called me and told me. Short story is: I told him to not get drawn into our drama.

Kids were told about H's purchase and OW. Tough, tough, tough night. Hatred. Accusations of H being a coward (true). Liar. (true). Emotional unavailable. (true). Tears from D20 lasting over an hour. Broken hearts. D20 is desperate for an emotional connection from her dad. He is giving it elsewhere. Ouch.

I'm glad it's out though. H actually said to me there is no reason we can't continue to go on as we are. That he plans to just take his normal amount since October. He does not have plans to file for D. "Lot's of people live like this". He asked me if I wanted one. I said I didn't know what I was going to do.

He's an idiot.

I told him I never signed up for an open marriage. I don't live like this.

I will speak with my attorney tomorrow. I don't plan to file for D today. I will give it time for emotions to settle.

But, it's coming.

There was lots, lots more said between H and I. Deflection, blame, and more blame (from him on me, of course). And veiled threats how he is paying for everything.

The devil has a good hold on H.

I'll continue to pray for him, while protecting my family. God would want me to protect my family.

Grace

[DnJ]

Grace

H is an idiot.

He is not thinking, just reacting to his emotions. And yes, the Devil has a strong hold on him.

It’s very evident how reason, begging, pleading, logic, children, breaking of family - nothing can dissuade him. He is blind, and completely ensnared.

I 100% agree. You didn’t have an open marriage before, you don’t want one now.

I am glad the kids know. Their reaction is normal and healthy. It’s going to be a rough bit for them - be their rock and guide them. Better not bitter, compassion - that is all for you and them. It is a path that has huge dividends.

It is time to get a more formal financial protection and arrangement in place. You see how easily H justified his actions; what’s he going to do next? This will soothe him for a while, but his demons are not sated. He is driven to run.

Let your emotions settle, consider your actions, consider your reason. You’ve done loads of inner work, and have been preparing for multiple different scenarios. H finally showing his hand, gives you a direction, and as odd as it will seem, some more peace.

Look after yourself and your wonderful grown children.

DnJ