I’m having a particularly hard day. Really missing the family feeling, when H and D4 and I used to get up on weekends and figure out what we wanted to do and go on adventures. Yes, I still can and do do this with D4, but right now I really miss when it was the 3 of us.
As a result, I’m really struggling (again) with the feeling of regret about the degree to which I may have pushed H to file the D papers. It had been a year and I was fed up with him continuing to threaten it and not doing it. I guess I hit my patience limit in that moment. But now I question why I couldn’t have just continued to be patient, and wishing I had. I do not want D, so I should not have pushed it. It’s confusing, because I really did feel that way at that point, and now I get a feeling of dread to think that maybe things would be different had I not pushed it. I know there’s nothing I can do about it now but detach and work on myself, but this is really bothering me. Was I just being impatient and blew it? Or was I doing what needed to be done? I’m jus not sure anymore.
No real updates, I’m just really struggling and feeling isolated, so I came here. I got some advice here on my concerns about having pushed my H to file (thanks Blu and DV6) so I’m deciding to let go of the concern that I pushed him to do something he wasn’t already going to do. I’ve been in a bad place the last couple of days. I’ve been crying a LOT, and feeling depressed and lonely and desperate and just so sad. Feels like old times, post BD. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or just another wave of grief or what. Maybe those are one in the same. I’m using all the energy I have to be a good mom. I’m haply to say that D4 is doing really well and seems to have adjusted nicely to this situation. I’m putting in a lot of effort to be cordial to H, and I think that helps her feel secure. I’m proud of the fact that I’ve been a really good mom through all of this. I am not showing a bit of sadness or anger or neediness to H. But I have no poker face, and even when I smile through, I wonder if he feels it from me. I don’t even know what I project anymore. I’m really trying to detach and LRT and I’m really having a hard time. My H shared with me a dream he had a couple of weeks ago. I won’t go into it, but the point was that he is afraid of me (we had MAJOR pursuer/withdrawer issues and when I got triggered and desperate for connection I often yelled and had emotional outbursts). I’ve been thinking a lot about the dream and the fact that he shared it. He told me that what it meant to him is that he is afraid of me and that even though he feels badly about what’s happening, his fear makes him conflicted. This info came during an emotionally charged evening and it triggered me at the time. But now I see I missed a major opportunity to validate his feelings. It also makes me see that it’s very possible that the biggest thing standing between us is his fear. And I don’t know what I can do to heal that fear if he won’t give me a chance to do so...
But now I see I missed a major opportunity to validate his feelings.
There will always be more opportunities. Show me a perfect validator and I'll show you a liar.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
It also makes me see that it’s very possible that the biggest thing standing between us is his fear. And I don’t know what I can do to heal that fear if he won’t give me a chance to do so...
Hope, you can't heal his fear. Only he can do that.
What you *can* do is work on your emotional awareness and finding your equilibrium. You have a lot of strong emotions cycling, and I sense that you are fighting them, that you have an aversion to them. Accept them. They are real, and they are just as valid as any other emotion. Also, don't worry about what you are projecting. Unless you are Meryl Streep, you aren't going to be a good enough actress -- so the more you find your emotional center, the less you will have to worry about what you are projecting because everything will come naturally.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough phase. It's so difficult to be in those valleys and feel anything but hopelessness and sorrow.
I think your H's dream and the fact he shared it is interesting. It could be blame and shame. Or it could be that he's giving you some valuable input. Either way, all of the above about working on your emotional balance would still be the right thing to do I think.
I am really trying to stop autobiographically hijacking threads, but I thought this might be useful: My W and I have hit a point where it is clear her fear is preventing any further progress in our MR. The reason her fear has been exposed as the main blocker is because of the months of work I have done on myself: Detaching, DB'ing, GAL'ing, not getting triggered, and finding my emotional center. I am more authentic.
If you want him to handle his fear, strip everything else away. Then, and only then, he might deal with facing his fear directly.
Thank you, unchien. It’s well said and I think it’s good advice. My IC and I have talked about this a lot, and I need to focus on it more. When all this started, I thought that being brave enough to show my love and vulnerability despite my pain would allow him to do the same. It’s been a long, painful road, discovering over and over again that it isn’t the case. I withdrew from that and cycled through trying to be kind/being triggered and getting upset. I may have done too much damage, it may be too late. He may be too scared to ever turn toward me again. I hope that isn’t the case. . But finding my center and being my authentic self, without fear or anger, is still the way. Thank you for your reply, and for sharing in regards to your sitch.
When all this started, I thought that being brave enough to show my love and vulnerability despite my pain would allow him to do the same. It’s been a long, painful road, discovering over and over again that it isn’t the case.
I totally get this. It hurts when you bare your soul and it goes unnoticed, ignored, and/or misinterpreted. Especially when the response from your partner is fear.
I think we often confuse vulnerability in our situations. We have this big old suitcase of emotional baggage - some of it clean, some of it dirty. When we are vulnerable, it all comes out, the good and bad, and looks like emotional puking to the recipient.
Once we sort out our laundry, it is easier to have a healthy vulnerability.
Yes, it’s incredibly painful. My H told me many times that he didn’t believe me (this was all before I discovered DBing so I was apologizing, telling him I love him, etc) and that was so, so hard to hear. When I cried he told me he thought it was inauthentic, and when I held it together he told me that my lack of tears was a sign I didn’t mean what I was saying. It gutted me. I’ve never experienced being told that someone I love doesn’t trust me before all of this. It’s been really difficult.
That suitcase analogy for vulnerability is a really good one! I’ll be thinking that one over for a while.
I was told I was “emotionally labile”. I had to look it up. Same thing you describe basically except with a dose of diagnosis. Maybe the most patronizing condescending thing I have ever heard.
You feel like you can do nothing right, including emotionally. It’s the worst.
You can choose to think your H is just a jerk. You can choose to believe your H is right. Or you can choose that you are receiving signals that whatever you have been doing isn’t working, and you can reframe your life in a different way (not always in relation to the input you receive from your H). And that this is a gift.
Another hard day. I do not feel detached at all. I feel very attached to wanting to do whatever I can to rebuild my M. I know it’s not where I need to be, but it’s where I am and I’m trying to be kind to myself about it. I’m thinking a lot (too much) about the balance between detachment and my personal 180s, and coming from my authentic self. It all feels at odds. I feel my H needs to see that he doesn’t need to fear me, and that I can be a friend to him. But I also have yet to succeed at any level of detachment when I treat him as a friend. It’s like my emotional floodgates open when I treat him in a cordial manner (as I have been the last few days). Perhaps if I just focus on being centered, it will fall into place.
Yes Hope, that is exactly the problem with trying to be friends. In the months after BD we want to jump on every crumb as a sign that things are turning around, and what better sign then our WAS being friendly to us? That's got to be the ultimate sign that a recon is imminent! So every time they say something nice we get all fired up, maybe temp check and get slapped right back down again. Over and over. THIS is why we say not to let things get into the friendzone, because it really spoils your detachment and messes with your zen! There is ample time later for the friendzone, but for now you need time and space as much as he does. Just FYI I spent a good year detached from my XW before opening the door to being friends, and we've been friendly ever since. Once you've detached you can do it successfully I think, but you've got to give yourself a solid year to detach.
Yeah that all makes sense. To be clear, when I say friend, I meant something different....one of my Hs complaints was that he felt I wasn’t a friend to him in our marriage, as his wife. I’m not trying to actually be JUST friends. I know I’m not even close to being capable of that. I’m trying to balance detachment with allowing him to see the parts of me that could be his friend if we rebuilt a marriage.
