Fine tuning my inner Me

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

Detachment comes and goes, getting better and more each time. You are doing fine. Really.

Speaking with your IC and pastor are good ideas.

And I do understand having to limit what you tell certain friends, even really good ones. Standing - some people just don’t get it. They want you healed and happy, fast. And to do it properly takes as long as it takes.

I’ve decided I need some help in detaching.

Grace you are a smart woman with a clever mind; your shield is bright and your sword is sharp.

Detachment and addiction. The withdrawal from the pull of our memories of spouse and life is painful. Relief comes from some of those actions, like snooping - it feeds the addiction so that withdrawal pain subsides for a while. However, it brings about other pains. Every time dulls that sword a bit. Keep it sharp.

Once you get through the withdrawal, it will amaze you at just how much an irrational hold it had on you. I found a whole new appreciation for people’s addictions and sufferings.

Some ideas, and some things I found helpful:

Put away the pictures, even the last 1 wedding picture. I know how difficult that is. God knows I do.

I kept my pictures up far too long. And just long enough. That’s the paradox of this mess. Until you choose to do it, it is taking too long, and once you choose and do it, it is right on time. That goes for a lot more than pictures by the way.

What I am trying to say is the choice to follow the counterintuitive advice, to take a leap of faith and stick to it, is the most direct route through all this. That may not be the route you need to take, and that is completely ok. It’s your choice.

Some other crazy hard things to do. Block your spouse on social media. They are not your Facebook friend. Unfriend, unfollow, and block them. Do not worry the modern world has many forms of communication of which your wayward husband can contact you. What you’re blocking is your avenue to snoop. To keep you on track. This is for you.

Take 24 to 48 hours to respond. It allows your emotions to settle, which doesn’t then tie your spouse to your anxious feelings that are all churned up when the message first comes in. You are more calm when communicating and that reinforces the emotions you want to reinforce.

Separate what bills you can. I know we talked before about the cell phone. Having that monthly reminder, seeing his calls, and the fear of what would happen if you suggested separate phone bills. It keeps you attached. If he looked after his bill, no you involved in any way, see how there is nothing to tie back too.

Now, as we discussed before, he might get mad and quit paying his half of things. Yep, lots of fear there. And attachment. Getting financial security established is very good at promoting detachment.

Start purchasing gift cards at grocery stores, and so on. If he does something foolish you will have some protection while things are settled. Also the act of planning and purchasing items like that will detach you a bit more. You are doing something to separate yourself from his potential emotional actions.

H won’t be coming home any time soon, if ever. I have to accept that. His choice. I need to come to terms with being able to accept, even though I don’t like it or agree with it.

Yes, you do need to get to there. But not all in one day.

This is an excellent heading. Move forward in this direction, towards the goal you want - that happy, satisfying life.

Your waning desire to stand. The contemplating of divorce more often. This is part of healing. When you were hurt beyond belief (such a good description by the way, I never really understood that before all this) you couldn’t imagine thinking about divorcing H. Look at you now. See how far you’ve come. How much you’ve healed.

Standing until this point is basically a byproduct of our healing process, we really would not do anything else but stand. However, once healed enough to walk away, that is when standing really becomes for you. It becomes a choice and belief. Don’t worry beliefs can and do change, albeit slowly. So you can decide to stand down later if you so choose.

Your waning on standing, and ideas of D, are further signs of your detachment and indifference. You are doing fine. Stay the course and do not make decisions based on emotions. Get through this part. Find detachment and indifference. Things will look much different there.

To tell the kids (young adults) and what to tell them. My kids are S22, S20, S18, and D17. Yours are S22 and D20. So pretty similar. I would tell them and answer all the questions they have. I would not demonize their Dad, I would show compassion for him explaining his turmoil, and realize their compassion will takes some time to be found.

Whenever your kids find out, it will be a shock. Although they must suspect some stuff; still there will be some shock and disbelief. Then the healing can start. Until they know, the healing cannot start. That is a pretty good reason to tell them. Stay compassionate, factual, kind, and understanding. They will follow your fine example.

Letting your kids know will clear the air, and keep things accurate. And accuracy is important for pushing back denial and detaching; you have to see things clearly to know what your facing and where to go.

H will be joining us for dinner at a high end steak house on Friday night. Late B-Day treat for the kids. He will meet us there. I will be pleasant, upbeat, and look terrific.

Enjoy the evening.

For me, because it makes me feel good.

For H, to show him I’m doing just fine.

Detach.

Look terrific for the important and best reason.

DnJ

[Grace21]

DnJ – Thanks for the well thought out response and advice. I really do appreciate the time and effort it takes to put it all together, but know that it is always useful. I appreciate it.

Detachment and addiction. The withdrawal from the pull of our memories of spouse and life is painful. Relief comes from some of those actions, like snooping - it feeds the addiction so that withdrawal pain subsides for a while. However, it brings about other pains. Every time dulls that sword a bit. Keep it sharp.

I get this. I am strong enough to do this. At my IC session, my therapist said something that struck me as brilliant. She said “Remind yourself that you can tolerate and handle uncertainty”. Uncertainty is my biggest problem. I like to plan, organize, control, know RIGHT NOW the outcome.

So. “I will tolerate uncertainty”. “I can handle uncertainty”. Or how about “Uncertainty never killed anybody”.

Put away the pictures, even the last 1 wedding picture. I know how difficult that is. God knows I do.

On my agenda today. In fact I’m going to redecorate the office top to bottom after the kids go back to school. Today I’ll just clean it top to bottom. Start fresh.

Some other crazy hard things to do. Block your spouse on social media. They are not your Facebook friend. Unfriend, unfollow, and block them. Do not worry the modern world has many forms of communication of which your wayward husband can contact you. What you’re blocking is your avenue to snoop. To keep you on track. This is for you.

Not there yet. I did take H off my newsfeed. He really doesn’t use it much. It’s a band page. It still shows married to me with pics of us here and there. Weird. I will consider.

Take 24 to 48 hours to respond. It allows your emotions to settle, which doesn’t then tie your spouse to your anxious feelings that are all churned up when the message first comes in. You are more calm when communicating and that reinforces the emotions you want to reinforce.

I’ve said as much to a friend just a few days ago – I don’t want to make any decisions when my emotions are high. I want them logic based, and well thought out. There has been some financial activity recently – phone calls to financial adviser, his inheritance trust, for example. I think he’s probably going to buy a place. Of course I’m anxious about it, but will wait before I say anything and let it play out a bit. I did reach out to my financial advisor though and asked him to let me know if there were any major changes to our joint accounts.

Separate what bills you can.

I am considering this. The phone bill is really the only one that ties me to him. TV, internet etc are automatic from our joint account. We do still share a Visa. This might have to be eliminated. He only seems to use it for going out with the kids, so to me it’s not a big deal. Anyway, I will consider this some more.

Start purchasing gift cards at grocery stores, and so on.

Actively doing this since H moved out. Have a nice sum in cash and gift cards. Still collecting. Probably could last 3 months on my salary and what I have saved. It does feel good to have a little safety net.

Your waning on standing, and ideas of D, are further signs of your detachment and indifference.

I explored this a bit with my IC. I think I am trying to fight “normal”. After all these years, of course I still have feelings for him. I need to accept that my feelings, whatever they are, are normal for me, and just let them be. Let them ebb and flow, and pass when ready. It’s useless to fight them. Fighting them can keep me stuck, because they will come back if not allow to pass.

To tell the kids (young adults) and what to tell them….. I would tell them and answer all the questions they have. I would not demonize their Dad, I would show compassion for him explaining his turmoil, and realize their compassion will takes some time to be found. .

The problem is, I still don’t know what to tell them. I’d like to tell them whether H will be living with OW before they go back to school, in their own home where they feel safe, and well before classes start so they have time to deal with their emotions about it. So, I am contemplating asking H next week what his plans are so I have a few days to be available for the kids. Still thinking about this. I also think I will ask H if he will inform the kids of his plans. I still think it’s his responsibility, but I don’t want to “tell him what to do”. If he chooses not to do it, then I have my own choice to inform the kids.

Letting your kids know will clear the air, and keep things accurate. And accuracy is important for pushing back denial and detaching; you have to see things clearly to know what your facing and where to go.

Yes. I think the secrecy of it all with the kids is in part contributing to keeping me stuck and attached. It will be a relief to have them know the truth.


Had a nice time at our dinner last night. Very pleasant evening. I’m relieved.

And, I looked terrific, and felt terrific.

Grace

[Gerda]

Grace, don't forget that God's plan is bigger than yours and H's too.

Maybe God knows that H is not going to come home and he has something bigger planned for you.

Maybe he has a plan to bring your H home that can only work if your H buys a house with OW and the whole thing with her crashes and burns. (Which it obviously will, whether it's now or years from now or somewhere in between, and whether or not you take him back.)

Your thoughts are not His thoughts.

It's ultimately not about uncertainty, but about the certainty that God's plan is what is best for you. I heard a sermon once about how we are sheep to the shepherd not because we are fluffy and cute and nature-wise but because we are to be that stupid as far as what is best for us! The average sheep will walk off a cliff if the shepherd leads him there. God wants us to be totally free of strategy and plan and "big picture." Just to keep walking and trusting him to guide our steps.

Instead of constantly looking for His will, to realize IT'S ALL HIS WILL. If we step outside his will, he'll call us back. If we won't listen, he'll use our mistakes to realize His will anyway.

I get what you are thinking/doing/feeling as far as doubts and feeling that you are tired of it. We are in a similar place though I have been at it much longer.

I think either you think H is in MLC and don't believe anything he says/does, or you take what he says/does at face value. You seem to be straddling the fence as far as that goes.

I am unclear as to why you are taking on the job of telling your kids about the OW in that way. Why don't you leave that for him to do? I mean, if they ask you about it, tell the truth. Or if it comes up with them, something that would cause you to lie if you didn't tell the truth about her, then say it simply and freely. Otherwise, why are you doing H's dirty work for him?

[Grace21]

Grace, don't forget that God's plan is bigger than yours and H's too……Your thoughts are not His thoughts.

Thanks for this reminder. I asked God this morning to give me a kick in the pants when I try to take control or doubt His plan. He just did. Through you, dear Gerda.

It's ultimately not about uncertainty, but about the certainty that God's plan is what is best for you.

I like this. My focus of uncertainty is all negative energy. This is all positive energy.

I think either you think H is in MLC and don't believe anything he says/does, or you take what he says/does at face value. You seem to be straddling the fence as far as that goes.

Definitely straddling the fence. He’s lied so long I wonder if he believes them now. But, his actions to contact mortgage lenders, realtors, etc. and his continuing R with OW are all things that can only be seen in one light, IMO. At face value. But in the end, none of it matters, I guess.

I am unclear as to why you are taking on the job of telling your kids about the OW in that way. Why don't you leave that for him to do? I mean, if they ask you about it, tell the truth. Or if it comes up with them, something that would cause you to lie if you didn't tell the truth about her, then say it simply and freely. Otherwise, why are you doing H's dirty work for him?

Boy is this timely. A friend said as much just last night when I called her for guidance. I was struggling whether to contact H to pin him down on his “decision”. She said he’s the one making all the plans. He’s the one that needs to face the music and tell people (me, kids) his decision. It’s his journey, his choices. I don’t want to do his dirty work. I will wait for a while and see how it plays out. But, the last thing I want is for the kids to think I was lying to them all this time. But, actually, I’m not the one living the lie, am I? H is.

Thanks for the insight Gerda.

Hope your weekend is peaceful.

Grace

[Grace21]

Journaling……

Kind of a rough week. My own fault. Phone records. But they don’t lie.

H is having lunch with the kids today. I want to text him “Are you going to share your new living arrangements with your girlfriend with the kids?” But I won’t.

I want to tell H that he is a coward for seeing me face to face, stating he doesn’t know what he will do, and then all along make plans to do what he’s already decided. But I won’t.

I want to tell H he’s a j***a*** for making backhanded apologies that aren’t really apologies but excuses. Stupid ones at that. But I won’t.

I want a real apology for all he’s done. And he’s done plenty. I don’t think I will ever get one.

I want to ask to meet to pin him down to say it to me face to face what he is planning. I know it’s useless. Besides. These are his plans. He should be the one informing those it will affect.

So many questions. Will he file for D? Should I file for D? Should I ask him to file for D? Is it best for no one to do it now? If I don’t, am I condoning H’s relationship with OW? Too many questions. I won’t be in a big rush. I have to let my emotions settle down.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m anxious.

But I also have plenty of times I’m happy, joyful. Content.

I have plans for happy hour with a girlfriend tonight.

Invited to dinner with a few gals at someone’s home tomorrow.

Meeting up with a close couple’s friend Sunday. Have the kids until Wednesday, then off to see my family out of state for 5 days.

I’ll come back to a new life potentially. Maybe not a new life, but different perspective. H will probably be moving out some things at the end of the month. I perhaps will insist he does.

Life in transition. I will try to embrace it. It’s useless to fight it.


Grace

[DnJ]

Life in transition. I will try to embrace it.

A nice sharp sword. Good for you.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Grace, most of the time I feel like I am backsliding on the ol' LBS forward-journey, but one thing I have noticed in the past month or so is that I no longer ever think about what I want to say to my H. I keep reading posts by folks who are imagining what they want to say to the MLCer, especially some of the more active newbies, and I am able to see very clearly how totally pointless that is. Lately I had noticed that I even carry this realization to other relationships in my life -- e.g., an irrational customer. Maybe it is a form of detachment, but I almost never at this point think that I could say anything to my H that he would be able to hear or understand as it was intended, let alone as the truth.

So when I read your comments of what you would like to say to your H, I just want to give you a big hug.

That said, last night on my last night at my favorite place, on an island, I felt a calling from the Holy Spirit to go down to the beach at 2 am (I was still up) because there was a huge moon, and I wanted to see the ocean lit up in the moonlight. And when I got there, I had it out with God. I was literally kneeling on the sand all lit up silver, yelling at God that everything had gone wrong and i just cried and yelled about everything that has happening and is happening and how I did not want any of the possible futures I imagined could happen, and that I did not want any of this to keep happening to my children or affecting them in the way that it is. It was kind of like Jacob wrestling with the angel except that there was no conclusion, no new name and promised future beckoning, just me turning back still crying, and the moon disappearing behind an endless black cloud. But I definitely felt God's presence. Just inscrutably.

Point is, I am struggling, believe me, but I am glad to tell you that a day will come when you won't picture what you would like to say to H anymore.

[Grace21]

Well, it’s time for me to retain an attorney.

H liquidated part of our only joint asset that was cash ready. It’s been transferred to a bank. I can only assume that’s his half of a place he’s buying with OW. Her home is under contract. She will have money soon. But of course nothing can be assumed. He won’t return my phone call. I only left 1 message. It was an impulse. When (if) he calls back, I won’t pick up. I don’t think he will call back, though.

He’s an idiot. I don’t know if I should tell the kids or let this play out. They will immediately text him, I’m sure. I don’t even know all the facts, just that a good chunk of change has been transferred without my consent (although he doesn’t need it – I confirmed that with my financial advisor). It’s possible he’s not buying it with OW because he has an annuity too he can use (inheritance).

In any event, a message is going to my attorney today, and she will be retained.

[Gerda]

Grace, I am so sorry.

i sometimes wonder if God allows these horrible abuses of our H's vow to protect us so that we will surrender the marriage to Him. It's weird how that financial stuff hit me harder than the affairs and all the rest of it. It wasn't until my H started down the path of a vicious divorce and tried to destroy me financially that I realized there was truly nothing I could do.

After a long spiral, I also realized that I did not have to know what was going to happen to me as a woman, and that I could also pray that God would send me a man to love -- it might be my H or it might be someone else, God's ways are inscrutable, and his mercy is infinite, as Father Arseny says!

(((Grace)))))

My advice from the mountain -- Do you what you have to do with clarity and truth, but remember that this is all the World. Don't lose your awareness that the Spirit is where we truly live, don't let bitterness take hold of you even as you protect yourself and your kids. And I think you are spot on, do not talk to H about it. Deflect his financial blows but don't fall into throwing punches, you will be mightily tempted once the court of law comes into your marriage!

[Grace21]

Thanks Gerda. I'm just in protection mode. H is so secretive, but I've got enough to go on. I've got choice words for my financial advisor on Monday, though. Totally unethical IMO. I will not get ugly, or initiate ugliness. I plan to pray for guidance, and let my attorney handle it.

I am praying about discussing things with the kids. I only really know for sure that H isn't coming home. This is what I might say, and then just let them ask any questions. It will happen today.

I understand exactly what you are saying about how the affairs affect you vs. the financial hits.

I'm also starting to doubt anything he said about shame, guilt, and depression. Maybe he is just a person with bad character. I'll probably never know for sure.

Grace