So we have arrived back from our family holiday, 2 weeks away together.
After a bumpy first 2 days of him picking on everything I did we had a brilliant time together. Originally H had said that he may go for a week then come home but stayed the whole time. He even suggested before we went that we went out separately on days out with the kids. When we were there we did everything together and there was no mention of this.
There was a spare bedroom at the villa which H slept in for 2 random nights out of 15 but the rest he slept in the same bed as me. I made no comment when he slept in the spare room or when he rejoined me.
There was a lot of flirty behaviour and we did have a night of intimacy. I believe him to still be in a lot of contact with the ow but have not commented or asked etc.
We returned home yesterday and as I suspected things have gone back to the way they were before we went away. H is saying again that we don't work, have anything in common, trying to convince himself that life with me is miserable etc etc.....
He is saying that we don't talk or have meaningful conversations anymore which we haven't since this began in May. I have kept conversation to a minimum while doing 180s.
Shall I keep conversation still to a minimum or shall I make more conversation but as a friend? I had my first telephone coaching while away and was advised to treat him as a house guest which I am doing.
The only other issue I have is that he is now trying to be intimate quite a lot - mainly for his own pleasure not mine. Im not sure how I should deal with this as although it's something I want to get back to, I find it quite controlling and this obviously doesn't fit into treating him as a house guest! The other issue is that there is no attempt to kiss me which makes me feel like its more about attending to his needs and nothing else.
On the other hand I don't know if knocking him back will make things worse as this was one of our relationship issues in that he felt rejected.
You can't change the path of his MLC by sleeping together or not sleeping together. It will happen no matter what you do. So you have to decide for yourself if you want to be his wife in that way even when he is not being your H and continue to expect nothing from him. It's something you do to stay true to what you believe, it won't help him come back or not come back. He will interpret it in whatever way he wants, he may see you as rejecting him even if you do it. Believe me, I have done so many beautiful things that were interpreted as crazy or evil. Or he might love it and still move out and still say it was always bad with you. I don't say that to kill your hope -- quite the opposite! I say it to restore your hope that you don't have to pay attention to what is happening, your hope is about a distant future. It can't play into your decision to do it or not now. Expect nothing, believe nothing. Decide if you want to sleep with him because you are his W no matter what he does or if not, decide if it would be fun to sleep with your houseguest. Or say no, and if the reaction is bad, know that it has nothing to do with you.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I wouldn't sleep with somebody who doesn't kiss me during the act and doesn't ensure that I come too. He may not be quite aware he's doing that so perhaps you might tell him? Also please use condoms. I guarantee he didn't with the OW even if he claims he did., unless she forced him to.
Thanks for the replies. May not happen again now anyway! We just had a major row and he has stormed out. Apparently I have shown my true colours and cleared a few things up in his mind. Initially I tried to not respond to his arguing and throwing a plate of food but unfortunately he pushed too far.
He pushed on purpose - this trip made him remember too much of what he stands to lose so he pushed back to try to manufacture a reason to leave.
Nothing you did btw.
And - throwing a plate of food? Seriously? Has that ever happened before? Because that is SERIOUSLY not ok. I wouldn't put up with that for one second.
Yes kml its happened a few times, throwing out of anger, punching steering wheel of stuck in traffic etc and I told him he should get out and sort himself out as I’m not having it anymore in front of the kids.
He has come back and told me any glimmer of hope has now gone and he’s not being spoken to like that!? So I just said that I’m not being treated like this anymore and I need to decide what I want.
We had an amazing time and he is looking for excuses again now. I did realise though while we were away that I am strong enough on my own to raise my children and that I deserve a lot better.
I have found peace in detaching, enjoying each day as I take it and coming to terms with being on my own if that’s what happens eventually.
listen to some online videos about dating,learn about feminine energy and getting back together just to learn some new skills
nothing to lose and see where it all turns
It does seem like he was trying to create a fight after a nice vacation maybe also pressure from OW
I would think about being mysterious , busy, let him wonder where you are make a few new friends, activites and a new hobbiey and continue being kind, upbeat and dont bring up any R stuff
let him see what he is loosing-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You have good healthy boundaries - good for you. He'll respect you more in the long run for having them. It's not okay for him to throw things and be sleeping with another woman while he's living at home. Simple basic rules.
Some think it is a way for him to get physical intimacy without emotions
Regardless, you must decide what it is that YOU want.
Throwing things is unacceptable. Has he shown violent tendencies in the past? As mentioned, it may be a time for you to set firm boundaries with him. It will likely push him away but you must do things for yourself. There will be more forks in the road later, just be prepared to handle them and have plan B if necessary.
