U—I wish I could say that I’ve even received a shame based apology from him, let alone a truly remorseful one. I could count on one hand the amount of apologies I’ve received from him in the 9 years we’ve been together. Almost all of them were rescinded shortly after delivery. He believes that he is just an easy going guy and that I’m a monster who ruined his left. He has zero accountability.
I’m feeling really emotional and angry today. I’m feeling really resentful that he tried to act like we are just two friends and that everything is ok. It hurts and it makes me really mad. The last time we argued, my H tried to argue with me about how long we’ve been together, how long we were engaged before we got married...as if I don’t know?! It feels like he is trying to minimize our marriage and our life together to assuage his guilt and make it all seem disposable. It’s so insulting. And then he wants to be all “how was your day? It’s good to see you” when he picks up D3. It makes it really hard (impossible so far) to behave the way I would like to in his presence. And then I feel mad at myself.
U—I wish I could say that I’ve even received a shame based apology from him, let alone a truly remorseful one. I could count on one hand the amount of apologies I’ve received from him in the 9 years we’ve been together. Almost all of them were rescinded shortly after delivery. He believes that he is just an easy going guy and that I’m a monster who ruined his left. He has zero accountability.
Shame is really powerful. Your H may really believe he is easy-going and you are a monster... OR... those may simply be coping mechanisms that he has developed to try to handle his shame. He may not even be aware of the shame. Either way, if he cannot get over his shame and progress towards regret and remorse, he will be stuck in his ways. Not your problem.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
The last time we argued, my H tried to argue with me about how long we’ve been together, how long we were engaged before we got married...as if I don’t know?! It feels like he is trying to minimize our marriage and our life together to assuage his guilt and make it all seem disposable. It’s so insulting. And then he wants to be all “how was your day? It’s good to see you” when he picks up D3. It makes it really hard (impossible so far) to behave the way I would like to in his presence. And then I feel mad at myself.
I hear you struggling with anger and being frustrated at yourself about having your emotions tethered to your H.
He could say the sky is red. Would that upset you?
This is really really really hard. But all these arguments and situations where you feel insulted are baiting you into emotional traps. Forget what he thinks. It doesn't matter. Feel secure in your own reality. You know how long you were married. Who cares if he claims something else? He could say 2+2=5.
This comes down to Detachment. You can know all the basic scripts and how to behave, but the actual process of emotionally detaching takes time and hard work. Your emotions are signals that you are still quite attached. You are being tossed around by the waves -- find your anchor.
I'm not suggesting you ignore your anger or frustration. In fact I think you should work on regaining control of those feelings, rather than having the sense that your anger or frustration are being driven by your H. These are your feelings to own. The more self-differentiated you are, the more you will be able to experience a full set of emotions without feeling pulled around by outside forces.
You have no choice but to move through this emotional minefield. You can either run wildly with a blindfold on and hope you get through unscathed, or you can walk calmly and be fully aware of all the mines surrounding you. Work on that awareness and calmness. The mines are still there, but you don't have to step on them, and you don't have to rush.
Sorry if this came across as harsh... As with any anonymous internet post, I advise you take what you want from it and ignore the rest =)
I know everything you’re saying is right. Detachment is (clearly) by far my biggest struggle in this. I thought I was further along in the detachment process that I am, a lot further. I wonder if following Sandis rules in an attempt to “fake it til I make it” would help it along?
The rules and FITYMI are great. They are concrete things to do amid the swirl of emotions.
Long-term it's all about getting a handle on our own emotions. Then detachment and the DB rules should come naturally (for the most part).
Example:
Old way: I just got triggered, my anxiety and anger are at 8/10. I would like to reduce them to a 5/10.
New way: I just got triggered, my anxiety and anger are at 8/10. That means I'm going to feel my heartbeat racing, blood rush to my head, and I'll get fidgety. It will subside at some point.
Does that make sense? I struggle to explain what I am trying to say.
Yes, I completely understand. It’s about mindfulness and noticing the signs of feeling anxious and triggered. Allowing them to exist without fighting them and without giving in to them. My therapist talks to me about this a lot. I’m learning, but slowly.
You're welcome, I'm glad if it helped at all. Thank you for sharing your story -- I get as much out of reading and responding to other people's threads as I do from my own thread.
One other thing that's helped me: Anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, melancholy, depression -- I used to think of these as negative emotions. Bad emotions! Shoo! Go away! Try to get back to a happy place. That struggle just never led anywhere useful.
They are difficult emotions, but they are just emotions.
I would like to get to a place where I look at these experiences as gifts. "I am experiencing the full emotional spectrum of what life has to offer." I would be lying if I said I am at that place.
I set the goal to try to start to get to a place of feeling lovingly detached toward H when he came to get D4 this afternoon. I’m struggling quite a bit with detachment these days, so I re-read some of DR, as well as the words of you fine people, and decided that I am capable of this, and that fake it til I make it is going to have to be my initial jumping off point. I’ve thought a lot about why I struggle so much with the idea of giving H more than he deserved from me right now (which is why it’s hard for me not to be cold toward him) It’s multi faceted, some of it very obvious/universal and some more convoluted/specific to me. Ive always been triggered by any kind of perceived rejection by loved ones, and that is (obviously) at its height right now. Unfortunately, I’ve let that get in the way of my goals for my M. So it behooves me, for personal growth as well as for any chance there might be to rebuild my M, to strengthen my ability to absorb rejection triggers and not react to them in ways I will always regret later. I think that if I focus there in my interactions with my H, I will feel better about myself, and I will treat him more kindly as a natural side effect. At the end of the day, I want to be able to rise above my old self and treat him well despite the fact that he has not treated me well. I want that to be on the list of things I can tell my daughter I strived for when she is grown. And yes, I want to be able to know in my heart that I actually did what I could for this marriage. I know I can only do that if I let go of my attachments to all the things he may or may not do or say. I felt very triggered a couple of times this evening, and I’m pretty proud of my ability to breathe deep and not react. It’s a baby step for me.
