Last stages of divorce

[job]

I am not walking in your shoes, but if I were, I would set a specific time for her to call the kids. I think she's trying to show that she's a good mother by calling them while they are w/you. Her curiosity is up as to what you are doing with them and if there is another person involved.

Time will tell if she's "fishing" for info through the kids.

[DnJ]

Hello Hamburg

I do believe your STBXW is just reacting and stirring things up.

Having calls during your visitation time depends on the schedule. You say visitation week, and you have 50/50 custody. So, I assume 7 days on and 7 days off. A call in the middle, say Thursday, is not unreasonable. This is exactly the arrangement some people at work have.

If the schedule was like some other friends (gosh, there is a lot of spilt families) a couple of days on then a couple of days off, then there is no need for a visitation phone call, she could wait the 48 hours.

Whatever arrangements she wants, she needs to realize you would also have that right or privilege. Not sure which to call it, since it depending on how cooperative you both can be.

Advice: Talk to the kids. I know they are young, and are upset with Mom. See how they react to the idea of Mom calling them in the middle of their time with you.

She is their Mom, forever. A call from Mom, a call from Dad, during the opposite weeks could be a very good thing for them. You are also there and can see/hear first hand a bit of how she is with them.

I would discuss the idea of allowing a call during the off weeks. She will be talking to them within days anyhow so making her wait isn’t really preventing anything. This arrangement does have benefits for you too.

If you are concerned for your kids welfare, you are beyond the considering of a weekly phone call.

I suspect she will tire of stirring up things if there is no splashing around. Also kids have a fantastic ability to innocently speak the truth, and say if they like someone or not. Mom may not like what she hears that often. Mom may call less or might even change for the better.

Look for a resolution that has good intent and kids’ interests at the heart of it. As long as you are not doing it out of fear, vengeance, or spite; I’m sure you will find a good answer.

All else being equal, I’m for allowing a call.

DnJ

[Hamburg]

Thanks guys. We get them in 7 day blocks. I already asked the kids and they both said they don't want to talk to her. I will still call and let them chat for a few minutes. They will speak the truth to her about anything she asks.

This week, we have gone to amusement parks, water parks, game center, swam, built massive forts inside my place and I've cooked for them (something I've never really done before). My youngest was even afraid to try a cookie because "it may be better than mommy's". She eventually tried it and loved it. Hopefully W keeps it civil and doesn't lose her cool. She has attempted to get me to do less with them to "level the playing field" so the kids have easier transition back to her. I told her to shove it, politely of course....

[DnJ]

Sounds like a great week. I bet they had a blast, and look at that you are a really good cook. Being the best Dad you can be looks good on you. Well done!

I told her to shove it, politely of course....

Lol.

That’s how it done.

Hmmm. I sense detachment. Level awesome!

DnJ

[Gerda]

If you are still in court, I think you want to always looks like the parent who does everything he can to make sure the kids have contact with W. Especially if you want to try to reduce her custody because of concerns about their safety or emotional well being. So I agree about saying that she can call any day at x time for a few minutes and that you will do the same. I think it is awful if the kids can't talk to you on the phone when they are with her! I got my D a flip phone so she could call me anytime. Maybe you can do that. But if your kids are anxious about her calling, you should set the time so there is not nonstop anxiety about when she calls and how long call will be, etc. My D has that with my H and it's awful but I am lying low because I prefer that to her going to his place, which he is not asking for.

AMAZING that she openly admits that her time with them [censored] and asked you to scale back!!! WOW. The in law stuff sounds awful but remember you are in the beginning of the dark tunnel. It will get better as truths become clearer. If I were you, I would keep inviting everyone, including the cousin, to parties and things at your place. Making all welcome is the best thing for the kids and the best way to keep the family ties going even through the bad times.

I want to encourage you again to get the guardian ad litem. Let that person do all the observing and let the situation speak for itself.

[Hamburg]

So we are in a strange phase now in which we have formally mediated and just waiting for a judge to sign the decree. It's been 6 weeks, so I am uncertain of the hold up. I suppose (sadly) that there is a large pile of divorce decrees for the judge to comb through.

I will have the kids call W tomorrow afternoon.


I will look in to a guardian as litem. It may be too late, as we have signed our portion.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hamburg

The wheels do turn slowly it seems. A judge took 5 months to sign our papers. A long time to sit on pins and needles checking the mail box - I know! Trust there is a good reason for the length of time.

I hope the kid’s phone call goes well.

DnJ

[Gerda]

A good friend of mine who went through a terrible MLC-based divorce (I was a bridesmaid at their wedding) gave me some very good advice, though I haven't truly followed it. It was to see the divorce through as quickly as possible, and then get a guardian ad litem AFTER the divorce. Pay that person yourself and have that person inserted into your lives, advocating for the kids through all the visitation stuff, keeping records, seeing what is best for the kids. I think with a crazy MLC-er, custody issues will keep coming up, and it sounds like you may need to protect your kids from some crazy stuff before your W comes out of it. I didn't have to do 50-50 but if my H ever tries that down the road, I will go for the guardian.

[Hamburg]

Had my first solo vacation with the kids. Went to a waterpark resort and had a blast! I thought it would be difficult keeping up but it was no problem. Then made some unexpected side trips to some state parks and hiked and went swimming. Those unexpected things are something W would never have done.

Then stayed with my parents in law for 2 days. They were happy to see the kids and welcomed me with open arms. The extended family also visited. One thing was common: they all have disdain for W. It has been a year and I learned of some things that happened while still married. Her parents are lost and very disappointed. They happen to know OM and will never approve of him. They have not spoken to in several months. We are planning another trip to see them in a few months. It was a bit difficult at first, but the aura was like we never left off. They are wonderful people and I am blessed to have them in my life after all that has happened. W does not know yet we visited but I am sure the kids will tell her. We are all prepared for the litany of angry texts from W.

[job]

I am so happy to read that you and the kids had a wonderful time. It's those little unexpected things that make life so enjoyable when you are doing them with those you love.

Glad things went well at the in-laws. Your w cannot control everything that you do w/your kids. She will need to face the consequences of her actions...but that will be down the road a bit.

Keep up the good work!