Thank you Dilly!! It’s so interesting, it feels like I legitimately didn’t realize how lonely I’ve been until now, and it’s hitting me hard. BUT, it does not feel like missing my husband. It feels like pure loneliness, and missing the affection and intimacy and companionship of being with someone. It’s been over a year since I’ve had ANY part of that (since H moved out) , and much longer than that with not a whole lot more (while we were still together). I guess getting a tiny taste of attention from a man I found attractive really brought it to my attention.
I know, as you say, that some of the husbands we discuss here have the capability and desire to do the hard work deep down. I believe with every ounce of myself that mine does not. And I think I’ve known that for a long, long time. This weekend I realized that a big part of why I’ve hung on is because of my fear that it’s not possible for someone else to love me and my daughter as a package deal. I saw a glimpse of the possibility of that, I saw us through the eyes of other people, and saw that I am not damaged goods. The right man for me will love my daughter as much as I do. I won’t settle for anything less. But at least I know that it’s possible. I’m feeling a bit heartbroken. But not over my husband. It’s the loneliness, and the fact that I spent a year of my life waiting for someone who didn’t deserve it. And if I’m honest, it’s a bit that I met someone who saw me the way I want to be seen, right at the moment I became ready to meet someone, but he isn’t available. I want to be open and available to meet someone if they come along. But I want to be careful not to transfer my focus from my H to trying to find someone new. I want to remain focused on my daughter, and myself and making our life great again.
You're doing so well, Hope. That loneliness is hard - I feel it too - but the reality for lots of us is that we were very lonely in our marriages too, for a long time, and going backwards isn't going to make us feel any better. It seems that having that innocent connection with someone else has helped you see yourself through someone else's eyes - as a young and vibrant woman with plenty to offer to the right person, when the right time comes. I'm not there myself yet, but I am certainly seeing my H through healthier and clearer eyes, and that's been an incredible amount of help in getting me to detach and move on. I don't particularly want to find someone new either!
I haven’t been on this board for quite some time. It’s been a roller coaster this month. A couple of days after my last post, H and I got into a small argument after we put D3 to bed. He was doing his thing in which he knows he being an obstinate jerk, and throws a tantrum when I call him on it. His behavior was so ridiculous I calmly asked him to leave. When he was gone I texted him that I couldn’t deal with that kind of stuff from him anymore, and that we need to be able to have reasonable conversations. He texted back “I’m a piece of [censored] ok? You should be thanking me for leaving”. I didn’t respond. 3 days later, I was served with divorce papers. The papers had been filed a month before he served me.
The first week or two I was fine. I was sad, but I was ready and I felt strong and I even felt somewhat relieved. Since then I had to file my response to his filing (within 30 days in CA) and I’ve felt a major shift backwards since then. It obviously made it feel very real, and Ive found myself considering starting to try DB strategies again. I’m embarrassed to even be saying that. I’m not naïve enough to have thought that these types of emotions wouldn’t come up again. I can say that I have to completely gone backwards; my feelings about H and my marriage are much more conflicted, the rose colored glasses are off, and I am definitely in a much stronger place then I was a few months ago. But I am struggling. I am having a very hard time accepting the idea of ending my marriage without my H having put in any effort to see if it could be saved first. It goes against all my principles. I know I can’t control him and he is not the same kind of person as me. I’m also having a lot of anxiety and general upset feeling like I pushed him to file. I have to be fair with myself, it was a year of limbo and his saying he had no desire to reconcile, but also taking no action, then finding out he’d been dating someone since 2 months after he left. I felt I’d waited long enough and he needed to take action, so I pushed. I can’t help but feel something like regret about that now. I’m feeling heartbroken nonetheless, and I can’t help but be drawn to the idea of “trying” again. Please help!
Ugh. I feel like I’ve gone so far backwards. But yet I also feel like I want to DB again, even though divorce papers have been filed. I guess I feel like I need to keep fighting for my family despite all my hurt. I just don’t know. I’m feeling confused, sad and lost.
I’ve been pondering starting to DB again, and have gone back and forth a lot. One thing that is nagging me is the fact that it feels like when I really dropped the rope (and I really did, for a period of time there) and subsequently told my husband that if he wants a divorce then he should hurry up and do it (regrettably I said this in the heat of a moment, and not in a DB manner at all) a month or so later, that’s exactly what he did. Perhaps that should be a clear sign that my DBing efforts had no effect on my marriage or on my H. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Hope... if your H has decided he wants to end the marriage, there is nothing you can do about it. Your H didn’t file because of anything you said or did not say. He had already made up his mind. Also... if you had truly dropped the rope, you would not have told him to hurry up in the heat of the moment because your H would not affect you that way emotionally. When you drop the rope, you let the other person go. Really let them go. DBing is not about strategizing to get your H back... if is for you to get you back.
My H made no effort to save our marriage either. He lied, ran away and created and then hung onto every possible resentment he could to justify his actions...and then he found OW so he would have a soft place to land. And THEN I found out about it. There was NOTHING I could do about any of it except pick myself up, see my marriage and my H for what it/he was/is and start to build a new life for myself and my kids. It wasn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t what I had planned but it is what I have and I am okay. I KNOW how much it hurts. I promise you...the hurt will fade with time.
Thank you for responding. I guess I know you’re right. And you make a very good point about what I thought was me being detached. I was angry and I felt stronger for a while there, but I was clearly not detached and was still holding the rope. And I still am. I do wonder why after a whole year of not filing he finally did only after I pushed him to.... And now he is cycling through treating me like dirt and gaslighting me to being strangely warm and almost affectionate at times. And I don’t feel strong right now. Not at all. I should be DBing again. So that I will get where I need to be emotionally and stop focusing on him. Even if just for my own sake, how should I act toward him? My DBing brain tells me I need to be lovingly detached. My natural default at this point is cold and distant. I feel lost, like I’m right back at the beginning and I don’t know what to do.
Just journaling...H just came to pick up D4. I’m trying to transition out of my recent cold/angry manner toward him. It’s hard in practice, but also because I can’t decide if it’s right for me. Though when I think about it, I realize the only reason cold/angry feels “right” is because I worry that if I’m not that I’m letting him off the hook somehow. And that’s not being detached. If I were detached there would be no hook to keep him on. So I think I might have answered this question as I posted about it here, haha. I should fake kind detachment until it becomes real...I think? THIS IS HARD. I’ve done a bit of reading on Nice Guy Syndrome as well as on Negative Sentiment Overdrive (if I’m remembering it correctly). Both are most definitely at play in this situation. That may or may not matter at all, but there is something comforting about seeing what you are experiencing written out and identified. And something heart breaking about it as well. It makes it seem more solvable, “if only...” which is not a helpful line of thinking. Detach detach detach detach.
Hope, I'm wondering if you are grieving........or maybe you are fighting the process of grieving.
How much did finding out about this woman he has dated, cause this conflict in considering whether or not to DB and fight for the M?
I don't mean to sound judgmental, and I hope I can word my question right. Is it the desire to be a whole family for your daughter that drives this urge to continue the fight...........or is it b/c you love him so strongly?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I’ve done a bit of reading on Nice Guy Syndrome as well as on Negative Sentiment Overdrive (if I’m remembering it correctly). Both are most definitely at play in this situation. That may or may not matter at all, but there is something comforting about seeing what you are experiencing written out and identified. And something heart breaking about it as well. It makes it seem more solvable, “if only...” which is not a helpful line of thinking. Detach detach detach detach.
Hope -
Regarding how to act towards him, I like the "friendly neighbor" analogy, it makes things simple. Treat him like a neighbor. Cordial, and that's about it. No emotional attachment. Easier said than done, I know...
Regarding feeling lost and confused: I think there is a misconception in DB that feeling the desire to be cold or distant or angry is somehow wrong or bad, that you are "doing it wrong." All it means is that you have something going on emotionally that suggests you are still holding onto the rope. I don't think that means you should have an aversion to those feelings or push them away. What helps me with anger is to just sit with it. Don't think about it, but also don't push it away. Meditation helps a lot. It doesn't make sense to me rationally, but it works for me. I also recognize more quickly when I am reacting on pure emotion, it helps the DB process a lot.
Regarding NGS (I believe you are saying your H is a NG...) - as a recovering NG I can tell you that it is unlikely he will change without hitting some sort of rock bottom. I discovered NGS 2 years ago when trying to figure out how to resolve some dead bedroom issues with my W, and recognizing I needed to change. Great, right? Nope. It didn't stick. I thought I understood covert contracts, etc., but the lessons were not sewn into the fabric of my being. I did not do the hard work. I took it for granted. It took my W essentially leaving for me to pull my sh*t together. It took a rock bottom.
I'm glad NGS helps you to understand, but I suggest you definitely drop the hope that NGS is "solvable."
