Now what?

[peacetoday]

Barb

If a person is having a breakdown in mid life due to unresolved past trauma, it has little to do with the spouse

yes we may have been human, and not been perfect in the M, but as you have stated he did less than his share in the M in many ways

Knowing this, lets us off the hook

When we notice, our MLCer getting worse in time after they left and have gotten the dream they went after, that also makes it clear that we are dealing with a person who is not fully stable

no one can make another person healthy, it is an individual choice

I like your plan to detach and use the year to become the best year..therapy helps us heal
divorce busting gives us great new skills

alanon is a fabulous program as well with many phone meetings to listen and learn to cope with the unacceptable

Hang in there you are doing well
this is a long healing process for the LBS with many twists and turns

[kml]

As long as he's doing 4 at his sister's and 4 at the house he's not spending money on rent, which is probably good for your finances. I'd take advantage of the freedom afforded by him being there 4 days a week to spend the night at a girlfriend's, or go out late, or spend the night visiting your dad. Or go out of town for a few days! Let him wonder about your busy interesting life.

As for his complaints about you - you know most of them are not based in reality. And how much of the debt was really due to your cancer versus to his spending on toys I'd like to know? (Btw my boyfriend has lung cancer, it's an f-ing full time job going through cancer treatment, so don't beat yourself up about it.)

And btw - although the emphasis here is usually on how to repair the marriage, I just want you to know that it is also OK to say "he betrayed me and broke his vows and I don't feel obligated anymore." Everyone has to decide for themselves whether the marriage is worth repairing and once the partner has broken their vows I don't feel you have to be obligated to stay in the marriage unless YOU want to and think there is hope. Sometimes the flaws in the marriage that we were putting up with for the sake of our marriage vows become more visible with a little space. And sometimes how a partner responds during a health crisis is very telling . (I have a friend who just moved out from her long-time partner. She had ovarian cancer last year and he didn't show up to pick her up after surgery until hours later! EXTREMELY unsupportive throughout her treatment so now that she's better, she's out of there.

[BarbH]

Thanks all. I'm signing off I think. This is one divorce that isn't going to be busted. We talked about the separation agreement tonight, and he has been such an a hole that I don't want him back. Apparently we were done 15 years ago, and I know it's been years since he put any effort in. Thanks to him, my life is blown up at 58 years old. He sat there tonight and was so cold and callous and then had the nerve to tell me that i shouldn't sound so p!ssed off. Done. Can't be done soon enough. The scales have fallen from my eyes.

Good luck to everyone.

[job]

BarbH,

If he told you that he was done 15 years ago, that could very well be the depression talking. The MLCers say that they have been unhappy one year, two years and even all the way back to when you got married. They truly do not know what is making them so unhappy. Yes, that cold and callous way of presenting themselves is very normal for crisis people. They have to be that way because they do not want us trying to convince them that they are wrong in what they are doing. They truly have no sense of how we feel and quite frankly, at this time, do not care. They want their freedom to seek out that illusive happiness. In their minds, the relationship and us are the problems and that if they can break free of us, then happiness will return. However, they will be happy for a very short period of time and then move on to the next thing to try to see if that happy feeling will return. They will hit that brick wall many times over and once it's done, it's done and hopefully they can begin to heal and face those demons from long ago.

You may be done, but I do not think your situation is over. Please continue to post so that we can assist you in your healing. Come here to vent and express yourself. We are hear for you no matter what.

[peacetoday]

Barb,

Im sorry..
None of us asked for this yet we are here--
all I can say is It will continue to get better especially as you grieve the loss and find forgiveness
Your H actions have little to do with you-
I saw my XH leave and create a much worse life with his OW than he had with me..it is something in them
and you will probably see it as time moves on..It was never you-

Hang in there--

[BarbH]

Thank you all. It doesn't help that I'm dealing with my own depression. I'm sitting here this morning and honestly it's so painful again I can hardly breath. He's friendly one day, cold and callous the next. I think deep down he does realize he's blown everything up, but can't find his way out. I want to help him, but i'm so angry that is what gets expressed.

Job-I know it's not over. his stuff at least is still here and he will be back. I assume by that point we won't be talking. It will be so strange as we have finances still and house to deal with furniture etc. I can't believe i'm feeling this much pain again. I will continue to post.

I just try but do not understand how deep he is. This is going to be a day I spend in bed crying. Then go to work tonight. I look at my dog, and my horses, and my cats, most of whom I can't keep depending on my living situtaiton. I don't want to stay up here in the winter. I still don't know what's going on.

I just know I hurt so much. And I hurt him again too.

[BarbH]

I clearly can't emotionally detach. I am exhausted by this already.

Job, are you saying our situation isn't done-do you think he will continue to touch and go? or is it just that we still have the house.

[job]

Your story is not over. There are many pages left to be written. Why do I say that? Because we all have been through what you are going through and it takes many, many months for these nuts to crack open and face their issues. Sure, he may become distant and cold, but I can assure you, he will contact you again when he's ready or if he needs something. They also tend to come out of the woodwork around holidays. You may get text and/or email messages or phone calls. He may contact you and want to get together or come by the house to see the animals. He may use the animals as an excuse to come check up on you. Even though he may be distant, he will become curious as to what you are doing, etc. If you are on FB, try to keep some mystery as to what you are doing w/your life. The less pressure you put on him, the better. If he thinks that your home is a safe place to land and you aren't discussing the relationship, he may come around a bit. Try to remember this...the more you push, the harder he will pull away.

Your h may come over, walk around the place to see if another man has come into your life, i.e., like marking his territory. He may not take all of his stuff. He may seen something and just take it. Some take things that make absolutely not sense. One man took the steps to his shed and didn't bring them back until he had come through his crisis. Another man took the chair to his child's desk. Some take towels, pencils, mugs counter top appliances, etc. This stuff makes no sense to us, but it does to them at that time.

Everyone deals w/this type of situation in differently because we are all unique, but when it comes to the MLCer, they have very similar traits and behaviors. You may feel like you are done today, but tomorrow is another day. Right now, you feel like there is no hope, but there is always that one chance he may come to his senses sooner than later. You are still very raw and emotional and that is understandable. Give yourself some time to settle down. You want to be calm and collected when making major decisions. Doing them in the heat of the moment will only cause you more grief because that is when we say or do things that we can't take back. If you are angry or hurt, give yourself 24-48 hours to settle down before making decisions.

Barb, I would certainly think long and hard about separating your finances, but I wouldn't push the issue on the furniture and the house. He may decide that he wants you to stay there and help you w/the bills. Some will do that. If he is so hot to trot for a divorce, then allow him to do all of the necessary work. If I were you, I would make certain that I know what my rights are and what you are entitled to...but do not share that info w/him. That is info you need to keep to yourself.

You and only you can determine when you have had enough and want to completely walk away. But, I don't think you are at that point just yet..

[BarbH]

Thanks Job. He has already said he wants me to stay for a year. and help with the bills and talk to bank about refinancing etc. I keep waffling on it for a few reasons: it's a long way out of town, long winters, need new reliable car. I can't get an answer out of him about why he wants me to stay. Other than his crazy cake eating plan of going back and forth. we have separated out finances, i am not responsible for his visa card and new mountain bike.

The thing is, when I realize how much of his baggage I've been dragging along over the years, and how I've carried the marjority of the load with no recognition, I'm not sure within myself if any of this is worth it. Or if I should just cut my losses and leave. I grapple with this daily. At my age, how much longer do I want to devote to this? After our talk last night (where he accused me of being "curt") I'm having so much trouble with detachment. After he left, I went to bed and cried. Couldn't even get up this morning. I was flattened until now. and it's 4 pm.

Do you think he is so far gone that I can risk asking him about the 1 year? Why he wants me to stay? Last night's talk did not go well. He just sits there stone cold and blames me for everything. If I didn't have the animals I would walk. They are essentially the only thing keeping me here. Do you think there might be any chance at any honesty?

Face to face question? or email? Text? he reads my texts.

[BarbH]

I'm only hot to trot to get the separation agreement done. Then I can file it at the courthouse. If he reneges on payments, I have an avenue.