Now what?

[BarbH]

Thank HaWho!

Yes, I think I'll be dealing with a part-time live in MLC'er, which is surprising because i thought once the financing came through he'd be gone. I'm definitely getting stronger every day. I actually feel surprisingly good today! Met a new (divorced) single woman here in my valley,another horse owner, which actually makes quite a strange little rural community of single women, there's at least 6 of us. And there's only 25 properties here. We're going kayaking together next week. And now I've decided I know enough (and like enough) of the singles up here-I'm starting to have movie nights at my place-girlfriends, popcorn, wine, google play movies, which will occupy winter nights somewhat too. I am rebuilding for sure. I think I'm getting better at detachment too. I feel for him, when he looks sad and stressed, but if he wants to only chitchat, I can chitchat. If he's cranky, I can leave. I can sit in the same room and read my book. My patience is developing.

I don't know why he'd be scared by me taking the helm-It's pretty much what I've had to do the entire marriage. Maybe it's a bit of a reality check? Particularly when I said "and we'll have to value our assets too...boat etc, and all your ham radios". I like to have all the ducks in a row, just in case. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

It's kind of lovely feeling so strong in the daytime. Just those darn evenings and nights.

[BarbH]

I do think he's done with me and the marriage-i think our talks last week were more about regret than what ifs. Today he was asking if one of us could buy the other out. Then he said he was okay with a year. Then he said his nephew wants to buy our place. See it's evening. I'm like Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde, I'm good in the daylight. Nervy at night. I guess I can look at this as I've been "given the gift of time" at least another year or so. If he keeps coming and going. I have to be ready for he might just up and leave. Time to walk my dog.

[BarbH]

I think he hates me.

[BarbH]

And I don't even know why. Nothing from him really about why we 're done. Just that we are

[BarbH]

And I don't even know why. Nothing from him really about why we 're done. Just that we are

[Hamburg]

He doesn't hate you. He is in a deep state of confusion, fueled by emotion without any reasoning. Think of a teenager acting out against a parent. That's the mindset he is in. Do not be hard on yourself. If you haven't done so, read the thread on detachment. It is exceedingly difficult to do, but very much worth it in the end.

[BarbH]

Thanks Hamburg. I am/was in a dark place tonight. Night is when the anxious demons rear their heads. He's never told me what my failings are but I hear a litany from others. Some of my failings i can own and acknowledge. Others blatant y unfair. I've told him I can own my failings. But you know he's never acknowledged his. And when I really think about it I've done most of the heavy lifting in the marriage around the emotional work. I'm saddened to think that he will possibly never be able to be introspective enough to deal with his flaws. I am working on detachment and it's getting better. We will have until next spring, I will try, but I'm not really hopeful.

[Grace21]

Barb - I'm sorry you are struggling. I've been at this for a while now, and I had periods where I was great. H wasn't so much on my mind, I was getting on with a nice life. Then bam! All the emotions come flooding back. That's where I am right now. I know for me, it's when I put too much focus on H and what he might be doing, thinking, etc. Us LBSs have no clue what's really going on in their minds. It's futile for us to try to guess, too. But, we still all struggle with it.

It's part of the process of letting go and detachment. A necessary part, I think. Don't beat yourself up about what he thinks your flaws might be. I'm curious about whole would have told you other than your H about your flaws? Part of this process is looking at ourselves to see how we can be better people for ourselves and in general, not for our spouse. If you believe there are some things that you could work on for yourself, than do so. But for yourself, not H or anyone else who might be weighing in on this.

And many spouses in MLC never work on their issues. They just don't have the strength. I hope yours does, in the end.

Hang in there!

[BarbH]

Thanks Grace-short answer as I'm on the way to work. I hear he's been talking to his sister. The biggest complaint she heard was that "he just wanted a clean house" and the "inside was my job". I did hear from him that I mismanaged money.

You know, I work, he works (both shift). I never agreed inside was my job. I did the shopping/meal planning, cooking and the vast majority of the cleaning. I also did all the horse related chores outside, fixed fencing, landscaping and outside projects with him. Looking back, I he mowed lawns, and kept our equipment running.

Money-he never bothered to look at any budget I presented him with. But he certainly wanted to buy boats and snowmobiles etc. The past few years-I just made it happen as it was easier. He'd say things like "let the moths out of the wallet".

Poor communication-I know we've had these issues in the past-and I have said we needed to work on them. His response was "I'm not a therapy sort of guy"-even now, he thinks he's figuring it out in his head.

Then I got cancer and was off work for a year. Really in debt. Went back to work and picked up tons of overtime trying to get things paid. (last 4 years). His complaint around that is-I missed to many events with his family, and the house is a mess. Well, really, if you were supportive at all, you'd pick up some slack.

My issues? Communication as well-I tend to clam when unhappy. Inability to freely express love (really emotionally repressed family), Inability to ask for what I want/need-I expect other to notice. I am a fixer.

He at least acknowledges he should have paid more attention to money. His sister was shocked when he didn't even know what our mortgage payment was. He would have been happier with a 1950's housewife on Ativan I think.

He won't introspect.

These things could have been dealt with at molehill size. I don't know though if they really play into whats going on now, or if they are excuses.

I read this and wonder why I even bother.

[BarbH]

I'm working on detachment. He still has this plan of 4 days at his sister while working/4 days here while off. "we need to get firewood in and the driveway needs ploughing". I don't know when he plans to live this wild single life he apparently has told people he wants to live. He's joint owner on the house. Once we have the finances straightened out (back to bank on 15th-they have options for us)-and the separation agreement signed, including that I get to stay until next year-for the animals, get house ready for sale etc....I really want him to move out at this point. His plan is cake-eating at it's best I'm thinking. He has never lived on his own-went from family home to me.