Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

Here’s another thing I’ve been contemplating: When does standing become doormat?

If anyone wants to weigh in on that, I’m interested in your thoughts.

Journaling…..

If I were to poll 100 people about my situation, I’m willing to bet that over 90% would think I’m a doormat. I think I was a doormat when H was in the home, and I was practically begging to work things out. But now? Since he has left, I’ve evolved. My true inner self has emerged from its cocoon. I’m still evolving. Does waiting while H makes his big decision make me a doormat? Am I really creeping back to my old self where I just want to have things the way they were, as messed up as it was?

Perhaps the word “wait” is the key. I’ve done a lot in the last 10 months. H even commented how I’ve changed. So, I’m not really waiting, am I? Maybe that’s the key difference in standing vs. doormat. But after H stated his 4 choices so clearly, does that make me a “waiter” (i.e. doormat), or am I still a stander? Does the difference really matter? Maybe if I really understood the difference, it would matter.

I don’t want things the way they were. They can’t be. My head is not buried in the sand any longer. Too much water under the bridge. We can’t go back.

So I guess that leaves me with what do I do with my time going forward.

Waiting means stalled. No going forward there.

Standing allows me the compassion for H, without having to go back. Standing tells me to turn to God, and forget about H’s actions. I do, then I find myself trying to take control back. It’s futile, as I really have no control over H. Then the anxiety sets in. Got to have better self-control in this area.

Standing allows me the time to continue my inner evolution. To perfect ME. To continue to develop a closer relationship with God, friends, my family. This will keep me moving forward.

I’m not a doormat. I know it. It really doesn’t matter if H knows it or not.

Perhaps that is my trouble.

I still wonder what H thinks. I probably even care what he thinks.

Time to let that go, too, and continue my stand.

[BarbH]

Hi Grace21:

I get this question from people too, even though I'm only a few months post bomb drop. Folks ask "how come you're waiting around for him when he's done x,y & z?" Well, the way I look at it, is time passes regardless of what you do.

If you're sitting around crying every night over his photo while continuing to not set boundaries or letting him experience consquences of his actions, well, you're probably a doormat!

If, on the other hand, (as I am) you are still crying, still have the door open should he decide to recommit, BUT you are moving forward with life plans in case he doesn't, and working on yourself...well, you aren't actually stalled, or waiting or whatever. Time passes regardless, it's what you do with it that counts.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

When does standing become doormat?

Standing never becomes doormat.

Be careful with your words, your brain is listening. You put standing and doormat together, as if one leads to the other.

Yes, like Barb wisely stated, other folks will press you, asking why you are waiting around when he has done blah blah blah. They have never been in these shoes, and do not, and have not taking the time to, understand the reasons to stand.

Realize you are not waiting around. Being still is much different than waiting.

Also waiting is not the defining characteristic of doormat. Laying there while someone wipes their boots upon you is a doormat. Allowing disrespect.

If I were to poll 100 people about my situation, I’m willing to bet that over 90% would think I’m a doormat.

Yep, if polling the general population for sure. That doesn’t mean the majority is right.

I’ve been there, even polled people to gauge and try to get a handle on what I was doing. That was “trying to get a handle”. Trying, of course didn’t work.

Standing for you - does get a handle on things.

These same people, now, do not see me that way. I am not a doormat.

Imagine next year, people will not see you like a doormat. They will see you as I do, right now - a beacon.

People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. And we see other’s treatment or thoughts of us as we project our own internal self outward. If you believe you are a doormat then you will see people interactions with you through that lens and think everyone thinks you are a doormat, because you do.

The same is for victim, stander, pillar of strength, beacon, and so on. Our thinking and beliefs creates our reality and our perceptions of it. Choice. Be a person who lives in the light and grace. You will become that, and be seen like that.

...H stated his 4 choices so clearly, does that make me a “waiter” (i.e. doormat), or am I still a stander?

You’ve let H get into you head. A normal and expected step in the process, from my view anyhow.

Questioning and challenging ideas and advice is normal and healthy. Every single LBS, even the vets, rebelled against the process somewhere along their path. You have to challenge, it is key to understanding.

We push to see just how strong our values are, how strong the advice is. To ensure it won’t break. Exploring the strengths and weaknesses.

You are currently challenging your belief on standing. You views on H, your understanding of MLC, your belief in you.

This effort, this push, brings about an understanding and compassion. And an empathetic viewpoint. It’s setting yourself up to start letting go - of H, of M, of fear. I want to be super clear here. Letting go is not throwing away. Letting go of your marriage is not throwing it away. You will understand - honest.

So much stirs up during this time, and so much settles. Understanding and compassion are very much worth all this effort.

Standing allows me the compassion for H, without having to go back. Standing tells me to turn to God, and forget about H’s actions. I do, then I find myself trying to take control back. It’s futile, as I really have no control over H. Then the anxiety sets in. Got to have better self-control in this area.

Be easy on yourself.

You are a pretty levelheaded gal with ample self-control. And you are seeing the next leg in the journey. You are doing just fine.

I’m not a doormat. I know it.

Yes!

Now, believe it.

Continue to stand. And stand for you and your beliefs. You have an amazing strength inside you. It will flourish as you continue to move forward.

DnJ

[Grace21]

People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. And we see other’s treatment or thoughts of us as we project our own internal self outward. If you believe you are a doormat then you will see people interactions with you through that lens and think everyone thinks you are a doormat, because you do.

The same is for victim, stander, pillar of strength, beacon, and so on. Our thinking and beliefs creates our reality and our perceptions of it. Choice. Be a person who lives in the light and grace. You will become that, and be seen like that.

Yes - I end up looking at what people (including H) say or do and see if it applies to that negative label (i.e. doormat). I do believe we can become what we want to be through positive thinking and labels. H has all kinds of those negative labels for himself, and he is refusing to change them. It's keeping him stuck, depressed, miserable.

I need to get back to just 'being'. Let life bring me joy, happiness and contentment.

A friend of mine called today just to check up on me. She said she totally gets what I am doing. I appreciated that validation, and needed it today. She is one of the Christian woman that I believe God placed in my life. I've been giving her the support she needs too in her own difficult marital journey.

******************

To change subjects, I've got both kids under my roof for 2 1/2 weeks. So wonderful to have S22 back home. But, my feelings about H, and his R with OW are still so raw, even knowing that it's been going on for probably 2 1/2 years (1 1/2 years before he moved out). I mentioned that I and a girlfriend whose daughter goes to the same college want to go to a football game this year. S22 states "Dad said he was going to come to a football game this year". I didn't say this, but I thought "With OW?" Of course I'm projecting. He may go with S22 (even though he doesn't care for football). But it still stung, the thought of H going with OW. I wanted to go to a game for 3 years, and H never could commit. I hate that these little zingers come out of nowhere.

*Sigh*


Time to get back to focusing on me and my family, living each day filling it with things that give me joy.

Time to get busy. Best medicine when the thoughts get out of hand.

Time to clean out a closet or two, then bake a dessert for a church pot-luck dinner tonight.

Time to get back to what makes life good.


Grace

[Grace21]

Journaling….

The rollercoaster ride of emotions continues. I’m struggling these last few days. I won’t lie.

My first thought when I woke up this morning was of H and OW. Of his “choosing” her. Why aren’t I good enough? I’ve got lots to give. Why can’t H receive my love? Visions of them together. Happy. Making a new life together. I don’t want those thoughts to invade my nice life. It stinks.

In reality, H is probably not happy. He could very well be just trying to get by day to day.

I have a strong urge to send him another note. But I won’t. It’s useless. He doesn’t want to hear it. It’s too difficult for him to face it. How can a man say he loves me and admires me (his words in a note last week), and treat me this way? Oh yes, he said he wanted to “spare me from himself”. I call BS on that. Another excuse. Copout. Making me the scapegoat for his choices.

I’m trying to get on with life. Detach. Our exchange last week really did get to me. I don’t think I’m back to the beginning, but I’ve got work to do for sure. I need to reread the detachment thread.

I started my Monday morning with 5:30 a.m. spin class. I’m thankful for my activities and work to dull the thoughts swirling around in my head.

Enough rambling.

Time to get on with life.

[peacetoday]

MY XH said similar..they are better off without me

I actually think there may be truth to what they say ..
Your H is probably doing things that you would not approve of and he is not going to stop

he may not want to subject you to his true lifestyle but the OW may be ok with it

also the visions of the OW and H living happily ever after is another lie we may beleieve

but as time goes on...you will clearly see his craziness and desperation
maybe there are a few MLCers that finally get it together but most go downward and the OW goes down as well
if the R lasts

I saw this in my XH life
at 40 he went from being a sober responsible man--owning a business,a home 2 kids , friends, family ect..
to
marrying a 28 year old drug addict,losing his business, home and family
moving to MW and working as a clerk in a store, drinking, using prescriptions and becoming a desperate unhappy man

I dont wish that on him or anyone but each person has to be free to choose their lifestyle, health ,recovery or downfall

[Grace21]

Peace - what you say rings true. I've thought a bit about all that's occurred. H said he loves and admires me. I believe that to be true. Perhaps (probably) he thinks I'd be better off without him. That could very well be true also. He really was a crappy H is so many ways. Left me with no emotional support, and had a secret life much of the time, whether a person or internet. Sure we had some nice times, but overall his mind was elsewhere much of the time.

I understand the reasons for it now, even if H doesn't (or simply refuses to acknowledge it).


I wonder why he hasn't filed for D if that's what he really believes? Perhaps it's coming.

Anyone want to weigh in on why some MLCrs won't file for D, I'd be interested in hearing your perspective.

also the visions of the OW and H living happily ever after is another lie we may believe

Yes. It's a lie we believe, or at least a fabrication. At this point, I don't think he's happy with her either, but is in so deep he doesn't know how to begin to extricate himself. And, she is the only person that he has as a "friend". It's too bad he doesn't see me, and his family, as people that can help fill that void of loneliness. Too bad he doesn't realize his loneliness starts from within, not what he doesn't have externally.

I understand, but it hurts anyway. It stinks, actually.

[job]

Grace,

Some may start divorce proceedings, but when it comes to doing all of the necessary work involved, they stall. Others do not file because they want us to file so that they don't look like the bad guys. They want to say that we gave up and filed. And, there are those who don't have a clue what they want and will not file at all, hoping against hope, that we won't.

[Grace21]

Job - makes sense. I could see H easily choosing #2 and #3. I'm so prepared with everything already "just in case", he doesn't realize that I've already done the "work".

[Grace21]

Journaling…..

I’ve decided I need some help in detaching. I’ve done an o.k. job, but I regress too many times, and I recently had a big setback. Maybe (probably) my own fault for initiating convos with H. I don’t regret doing it, because H acknowledged a few things he never did before. But now I can’t stop thinking about my sitch, Him, Her.

H won’t be coming home any time soon, if ever. I have to accept that. His choice. I need to come to terms with being able to accept, even though I don’t like it or agree with it. I need to live completely as if he never will come back. I think this will be the only way I can consistently live a happy, satisfying life. I also realize I might need a little help in sorting out my reasons for holding on and therefore not being able to detach, and help in exploring my stand. My will to stand is waning. I am contemplating D more often.

I’m seeing my IC today, and I think I will make an appointment with my pastor too.

I took down all the pictures of H and I from the office a few days ago. I really hadn’t gone in there in weeks. There was also a certificate of renewal of vows from about 8 years ago too. I only left 1 wedding picture. I put them in a closet. I came home and S22 informed me he noted that all the pictures were in the closet so he put them back. I told him I was the one that took them down and put them in the closet. I used it as an opportunity to tell him that we need to come to terms with the fact that it seems his dad isn’t planning to come home soon, and maybe never will. That it made me very sad, but it’s reality. He said “I’m tired of this new normal”. I told him I was too.

It made me start thinking about whether I should be the one to let the kids know that his dad has a girlfriend, even if he doesn’t move in with her. I have no idea of the status of it. I considered the reasons why I should tell them. Do I need to tell them? If he lives with her, then yes, I think I do. But if he doesn’t? Is it my place? Would I be doing it for a good reason? Lots to consider. In any event, I guess I’ll wait for word on his new living arrangements. I got an e-mail that there was a hard check against his credit for “Tenant Check”. It would appear he has found a place. With or without OW, I don’t know – yet. Her house is under contract, so she will be looking for a place too.

*Sigh* I’m a bit tired of the whole situation.

Maybe after an appointment or 2 with my IC I will find a bit more clarity. I still have 2 or 3 good friends that give me sage advice. I’m thankful for that, too. Last night my friend said “I don’t want you to make any decisions based on your emotions”. I thanked her for that reminder. I’ve also decided that for the other friends that know a bit about my sitch but are not as supportive of my “stand”, I will not give them further details. Just that H and I still are not together.

H will be joining us for dinner at a high end steak house on Friday night. Late B-Day treat for the kids. He will meet us there. I will be pleasant, upbeat, and look terrific.

For me, because it makes me feel good.

For H, to show him I’m doing just fine.

Grace