Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

I hope the lawyer appointment went well yesterday and you got some answers. It’s not a nice feeling having to look into this stuff.

Met with attorney for almost 1 hour. I'm doing o.k. Tried to view it as a business meeting. I understand the process, and believe I will get enough of a settlement and alimony to keep the house running. That really is my biggest issue/worry. I want the kids to have a sanctuary to go to when they need it. And that is home. She also believes that as long as H keeps contributing to all the bills, there is no reason to file for D (unless of course I want to because I'm done) or split bills like cell phone or insurance. He's proven for 10 months that we can keep 2 residences going. But, she would recommend filing for D if he changes where his paycheck goes and I'm at the mercy of him covering the deficit in my bills. I'd hate to have to make a choice on filing for D purely out of financial need without being really "done".

H took D20 out for lunch and birthday shopping. H messaged me they had a nice time. He hasn't written that e-mail he said he would about his thoughts, and I'm not really expecting it. How can someone express thoughts on paper when they are so jumbled up and "change hourly" (that's his words). I think it's cowardly he won't do it face-to-face. I guess he can't face me. Anyway, no expectations.

I'm anxiously awaiting to see if his paycheck will be deposited into our joint account as usual. I have this feeling he changed it. I'll know by Monday. This could potentially significantly change things for me.

One day at a time.

GAL activities tonight and tomorrow. Church and hanging out with D20 on Sunday.

Life is good.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

I’m glad you understand the process and see that financially things should be ok. Information is power, and alleviates much doubt and worry. It is good that you can keep the house - the home. Yes kids will like it and feel better in their home, and also knowing you are in your home. It looks like that is one worry you can put aside a bit.

I do know of the worry of what if this goes off the rails. Things like he changes where he puts his cheque or doesn’t pay the bills, and so on. I do agree with your L’s assessment.

...she would recommend filing for D if he changes where his paycheck goes and I'm at the mercy of him covering the deficit in my bills. I'd hate to have to make a choice on filing for D purely out of financial need without being really "done".

Maybe you can look at this like, if he changes what he is doing, he made the decision. As long as he keeps doing what he is doing you will sit tight. You need not make the decision on filling purely out of financial need, he will or won’t. And I wouldn’t tell him about the consequences - it probably would provoke him into doing it.

That all being said, I do believe that making a decision based on financial risk is a good decision. Not one taken lightly, one taken with eyes open and your future in mind.

I’ll also add that I found being “done” is a pretty nebulous thing. The borders are not well defined, even divorce may not be the end. To be plain about it, divorce is just a piece of paper. My XW is now just a woman I could possible date in the future. Exactly what she was after bomb drop / affair; I just didn’t see it back then. There really isn’t any change in her status. Lot of change in me, but that would take many many posts to cover. Hey, what a minute! I did post all those changes.

As you so eloquently say - Life is good.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Paycheck is safely in the bank. I'm relieved that at least I don't have to deal with that at the moment.

I’ll also add that I found being “done” is a pretty nebulous thing. The borders are not well defined, even divorce may not be the end. To be plain about it, divorce is just a piece of paper.

Good choice of a word "nebulous". Being done is a process. A long process. It ebbs and flows and hard to pinpoint a specific time to really be done. I guess that's because it's all about emotions. But, to me, divorce is more than just a piece of paper. It is the end-result of a decision - a decision by one or more people to say "I'm done with you. Done with us".

Divorce. It makes me a bit sad to contemplate.

I'm not done. But I'm not going back to the person I was 10 months ago. Still moving forward, still embracing the new (old) me, still living a fulfilling life, still developing close relationships with old and new friends.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

[DnJ]

Glad the paycheck is still being deposit as before. You didn’t need that stress.

As for my comments on divorce. I was completely the same as you. I saw, thought, and felt the same about divorce. And then suddenly I was. My view and feelings changed after that.

For what it’s worth, I hated that phrase “divorce is just a piece of paper”. That implies that marriage is as well. Neither of those are true! Well, yes and no.

I am not disagreeing or arguing with you; since you are correct. I’m even wondering why I am posting; guess I was touched with you being sad when contemplating this topic.

I don’t want to change your mind, or your view - you are right where you need to be. I just want to assure you, divorce, if you get to that point - and I hope, truly hope you don’t, acceptance turns it into a piece of paper. All the fear, worry, sadness, uncertainty - all let go, and they become a sheet of parchment. I found that is how hope can still live.

Grace, I really do hope you don’t experience what I am talking about.

And I am sorry for my rambling post. I thought about deleting it, but no. You’re a good friend, whose views sparked something inside me, and I wanted you to know how your post prompted me to organize my thoughts. Thanks.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Journaling….

H and I have been exchanging e-mails for about 1 week now. Way too many and too much said to go into it all. We shared some very real, raw emotions. H is still in turmoil. Obviously very damaged, and it’s clear to me he doesn’t know how to lift himself out of the pit. He states he is “making a decision” about getting out of his current apartment by Sept 1. So, change is coming.

This is an excerpt from one of his e-mails

“You know, I read this and it's like I don't recognize this coming from you. like a different voice. Different attitude. different ideas. Obviously you have grown during these last 10 or so months. You've changed. I've changed. it's been a changing time for both of us.”

and

“so I think I have to do something. Even if you say you're not feeling dangled. You DO seem fine. Your words. your mood. your FB posts indicates somehow who seems relatively at peace with her life, with or without me in the house. maybe its your church and how you've thrown yourself into it? But you do seem mentally good. Better than me anyway.

But it's 1 August tomorrow. life is short. I have to come to a decision even when I know that I will not be anywhere near 100% certain that the decision is the right one”


I sent a response to him about that change he sees in me, having to do with my relationships with God, family and friends. I also told him I had no idea what decisions he was weighing, and whether exploring R with me is even on that list, but that I was in no way expecting a response from him on that. This is his last e-mail to me:


“yes, of course i have considered all the options. 1) move home and work it out, 2) get a place with her, 3) get my own place with neither, 4) end it all”



#4 scares me. Makes me worried for him. But, if I had to guess today, I would put money on him choosing option #2. That’s the only sure way to have at least one person in his life without having to face his demons, as messed up as the R probably is. I’m not even sure I’d agree to #1 at this point.


I also know there has been sporadic contact from a realtor and OW. Backtracking, moving forward. I have no idea. OW’s home is now off the market. (Yes, I’ve been snooping. But it doesn’t give me anxiety like it did months ago. I’m trying to stay informed so I’m not blindsided. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.)


Anyway. It’s completely out of my hands. I hope H has the guts to tell me face to face his “decision”. But I’m not counting on it. I don’t think he can face me.


Next week he is supposed to go to dinner with the family. S22 asked him and he originally agreed a few weeks back. We’ll see.


In any event, the end of the month will bring clarity. Answers to some questions.


If he chooses #2, I think it’s time for me to file for D. Actually. I’m going to ask him to.


And I think I’ll be o.k. with that. But that's today. The thought doesn't cause me the anxiety it used to.


Still praying for guidance.


Still praying for H.


Still filling my life with family, friends, and activities. I’ve got 3 weeks before the kids go back to college. I will enjoy every minute. Then a 5 day vacation after that to visit my family. Then the end of the month will be here.


Life if full and good in spite of it all.


Grace

[Grace21]

If he chooses #2, I think it’s time for me to file for D. Actually. I’m going to ask him to.


And I think I’ll be o.k. with that. But that's today. The thought doesn't cause me the anxiety it used to.

I had a bit of time before I meet my friend for drinks and dinner, and re-read what I wrote. Since posting last time, I have reflected on this statement a bit.

I'm not "O.K." with it. I'm not o.k. with him wanting to live with another woman before he even tells me he wants a D. I'm not o.k. with his vague (and not so vague) references to "ending it all". It pisses me off.

It hurts, too.

Fleeting thoughts of me not ever being good enough to be faithful for. (although they are fleeting, as I truly know it's his deficit, not mine).

And I'm not o.k. with D. Read someone else's post on another thread that talked about how people just throw away relationships. It's true. So many see them as disposable.


It's very hard to truly understand the mind in crisis. In distress.


I'm glad I'm put together, level headed. Find joy. Have friends.


I'm glad I'm not in H's shoes.


Maybe I'm right were I need to be today.


Still suc*** sometimes.


P.S.

OW's house sold. So the pressure is on. I think he will cave. His life. Not mine. Time will bring answers

[HaWho]

Grace - I’m sorry. That is awfully painful to hear him lay out his various options.

Taking the emotion out the whole equation, the fact he is undecided between so many wildly varying plans shows you how messed up he is. This is where there’s that question of doormat vs. standing. If you were to have a guy you were dating tell you these options, how would you answer?

With my MLCer I put up with (way) more because there was a marriage and children at stake. But, in the end I knew I deserved better and was putting up with stuff I never would have accepted from a guy I was dating.

So, he thinks he has all these options at his fingertips like you are just sitting home on your hands waiting for him? Mine did the same. They are quite full of themselves - like teens who think the world revolves around their whims. If he chose you would you actually believe it given the other things he’s still mulling?!?!

That said, if we maintain our self respect and lose our marriages, we have not lost anything that was worth having.

[Yail]

Grace, you represent your name well.

Your post about accepting his decision had me pause. Your more recent post had me exhale. I know the back and forth feeling you are experiencing. Some moments we are so very strong. Some moments we are able to admit the pain - which comes alongside the strength. But it's deep.

I exhaled with your more recent post because it seemed more authentic and in tune with what you're experiencing. You're so in touch with what is really going on here. I've been spending a lot of time in the former post mentality: the too-tough-I've-got-this camp where we put our pain to the side. We've got to balance the two and not ignore it.

I wanted to remind you of Option #5: He does nothing. He says he will make a decision and he might. But the pressure might get to him, and he may go into hiding or just refuse to answer. I want you to be prepared for that out come as well.

You're so strong for admitting that #2 very well may be his course of action. I'm so very, very sorry.

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

HaWho and Yail have given very good advice and reminders. Doormat vs standing. And there are many possibilities, more than four.

That back and forth feeling is a bear. You’ve got all month, you need to let it go. Wrestling with it for 30 days will wear you out.

Talking about one month:

He states he is “making a decision” about getting out of his current apartment by Sept 1. So, change is coming.

In any event, the end of the month will bring clarity. Answers to some questions.

Expectations. Be careful.

H says he is making a decision about getting out of his apartment, not that he will or is getting out. He could decide to stay. He could decide something and not implement it or follow through with it. The MLCer is pretty flaky with following through with things.

Your many conversations have drawn you back in. He can manipulate you. Push your buttons. Even if he doesn’t know he is. However, most MLCer are exceedingly crafty when working to get their way. They can and do manipulate very well and bring the LBS right back into the thick of it. It is really incredible given how Swiss cheese like they are.

Remember H, and MLCers, are driven to this behaviour. They need to do it. He pushed enough that you were contemplating asking him to file, when he moves in with her. Stuff that has let happened yet. (((Grace)))

I totally get it. And it’s a good indication that you are not made of stone and still have a compassionate squishy heart.

Bring the focus back to you, your kids, and your full and good life.

Share your fleeting feelings here and leave H to his path.

DnJ

[Grace21]

HaWho, Yail, and Dnj.

Thanks for the insight. It’s helpful. Grounded me a bit.

This is where there’s that question of doormat vs. standing.

I’m beginning to think they are one and the same sometimes.

So, he thinks he has all these options at his fingertips like you are just sitting home on your hands waiting for him?

If he chose you would you actually believe it given the other things he’s still mulling?!?!

I do wonder if he thinks if he “chose me” whether he believes he could just come back at that moment. And no, I would not believe him at all. There would have to be major changes over a period of months, therapy, etc. He has lied for so many years that I don’t know if I could ever believe anything he says ever again.

I exhaled with your more recent post because it seemed more authentic and in tune with what you're experiencing. You're so in touch with what is really going on here. I've been spending a lot of time in the former post mentality: the too-tough-I've-got-this camp where we put our pain to the side. We've got to balance the two and not ignore it.

Thanks for this reminder. My nature is to handle things with dignity, take care of business, and stifle my feelings. I put my feelings aside during our marriage so much. No more. If I ignore them, I will stay stuck. I don’t want to be stuck.

I wanted to remind you of Option #5: He does nothing. He says he will make a decision and he might. But the pressure might get to him, and he may go into hiding or just refuse to answer. I want you to be prepared for that out come as well.

Your many conversations have drawn you back in. He can manipulate you. Push your buttons.

You are correct. It did. However, it was the first exchange of real thoughts and emotions from H in years. Maybe for me too. So for that, I don't regret it. But, I can see how his words can manipulate me. I will guard against it going forward.

H says he is making a decision about getting out of his apartment, not that he will or is getting out. He could decide to stay. He could decide something and not implement it or follow through with it. The MLCer is pretty flaky with following through with things.

I don’t really believe he will do nothing. But, it’s a reminder that I won’t know until I know. I’m going to work hard the next few days to detach from it. I can’t control it, I have no say in it, and H certainly hasn’t asked for my help. I think I need to reread your post about fear again, DnJ.

I’ve got a full day with D20. S22 comes home today for almost 3 weeks. Dinner with both tonight. I’d say that’s a good start to getting on with things. Getting on with life.

Grace