IH After reading your last post I feel like we married twins. What you wrote I could have written word for word. How hey can’t find their own happiness, that they are constantly chasing it and also making us out to be the villian. That our m problems was all my fault and they did nothing wrong. Even what you wrote about the gym. I would always ask my w to go and she would always say she hated it. Guess what she started to do once we separated, yep go to the gym. Same with the house she never took care of the house. I did most of it which was fine, but when I asked her she would get so mad that I asked her to put the dishes in the dish washer. I guess there is nothing we can do, they have to go through this mental turmoil by themselves. And maybe oneday they will wake up and realize what they lost. But by then we could be gone. It’s sad that they are so lost and don’t realize what they are doing. Everything is based on emotions. Not logic.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Thanks Deja3vu6. I am slowly but I am saving myself. Your particular situation is very insightful and helpful in the understanding women better. Again I am sorry that you are in your situation as well. It takes a lot of clarity fortitude and patience to go the distance in the middle of these things especially once the mediators and lawyers get involved.
Thanks Deja3vu6. I am slowly but I am saving myself. Your particular situation is very insightful and helpful in the understanding women better. Again I am sorry that you are in your situation as well. It takes a lot of clarity fortitude and patience to go the distance in the middle of these things especially once the mediators and lawyers get involved. I'm starting to think that my wife was always this person but I just overlooked it and the red flags of it for years. She changed a bit and I change the bit as life got more complex and interacting with one another. She is not the conflicted type it is the type of suppressor emotions a bit but not totally and I'm the one that just lets all my emotions out and speaks my mind all the time. I honestly can't understand why she feels like she would be walking on eggshells. Bummer tempting not to do that anymore and always try and keep a positive attitude around here regardless of the circumstances. Right now she is so repulsed by me she can't barely even stand to be in the same room with me listen with our son. This is all because of the house till situation she wants to get away from you so fast I almost want to just give her what she wants but not at the risk of being railroaded financially. I just want to move on with my life. There is no love for this person right now anymore for me. I just want to get back to being independent again. I deserve better and she deserves better even though we communicate very poorly and we're on opposite end of the spectrum of our mindsets. I hope she finds what she's looking for and everything she ever hoped for and that she makes it a reality instead of a lost dream whatever that may be or look like. I don't ever want to hold anyone back in life. But I am not getting in her way and she thinks I am. Her choices is what got her to this unhappiness and this state, and my choices as well. it's hard to believe that I took the wrong person but I think I did and I think we seriously did have some compatibility issue since day one but there was enough love there to overlook them for the last 10 years. When we were first dating we used to have a rule to never go to bed angry. I was so cool and composed back then. I wanted to work really hard at the relationship too. My complacency in the last couple of years is what got us here. I'm not a bad guy and I'm not a monster. But I don't put up with bull$hit and I got a little bit of a temper like most men. I'm kind of ultra sensitive about my feelings circumstances and Communications and being misunderstood. I'm getting better at regulating them though. I love God and Jesus and I have a lot of faith in them that's what I asked for a we've delivered if I have enough of it but I really think that's because people have free will and their experiences are so different that this marriage is not coming back from the brink I don't think it ever will. But I will do my best to be a better me and learn from my mistakes. I don't know how all of you guys hold out for so long to fight all the legal stuff the back-and-forth the affairs, etc. You guys have tremendous fortitude and patience. Once certain lines are crossed with me and the trust is eroded that badly There's No Going Back. It's just better to move on
IH After reading your last post I feel like we married twins. What you wrote I could have written word for word. How hey can’t find their own happiness, that they are constantly chasing it and also making us out to be the villian. That our m problems was all my fault and they did nothing wrong. Even what you wrote about the gym. I would always ask my w to go and she would always say she hated it. Guess what she started to do once we separated, yep go to the gym. Same with the house she never took care of the house. I did most of it which was fine, but when I asked her she would get so mad that I asked her to put the dishes in the dish washer. I guess there is nothing we can do, they have to go through this mental turmoil by themselves. And maybe oneday they will wake up and realize what they lost. But by then we could be gone. It’s sad that they are so lost and don’t realize what they are doing. Everything is based on emotions. Not logic.
This is what I posted last time. Not sure if it came though.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Got a bunch of emails regarding date swaps with S1, mediator comparisons and what works for us with scheduling. Replied back short and concise. Tonight is my night with S1. She wanted to discuss those things with me when I got home, so I waited for her to initiate. Watched S1 and threw in my ear phones and started jamming. She mentioned she wanted to go over those things. So I gave her my attention. We talking about MOU'S lawyers, the process, rates, redi, time i need, etc. She could tell I was detached after she could sense I was ok with divorce, initiating it, etc. She could tell this time I was ok with it all, and just wanted to get down to business as soon as possible. She can tell now im indifferent, lost in my music, and my own world. Getting ready for my next band practice. , etc. She knows once she can't emotionally affect me, she has lost me.
Then a few funny things happened. She orders me Chinese for dinner. I accept. Then she started asking me about S1 and week end upstate and what was going on up there last weekend. (S1 and Bro and I had a great time hiking riding quads, etc.) I only took off my ear phones only when she had a question, otherwise paid her no mind. Then on my night tonight she decided to go for ice cream, puts on perfume, takes S1 with her, and asks me if I want to come? I politefully decline.
Its weird. Im totally cool with this right now. I don't want her back, I can't go back. I won't go back unless it's on my terms from all the damage caused. I look forward everyday to get settled in my place in a few months and jammin, Getting back into great routines, etc. I doubt she will ever look back, but if she ever does. Its going to be on my terms for all the selfishness I have had to bear witness to the last 10 months, with all accountability on me and none on her. A part if me is sad, but glad at the same time to be losing her, because mistakes and all I've made, I still know my worth to me. We'll see? Time will tell. Ill keep everyone posted on the mediation proceedings and divorce proceedings to come. Cany wait for ny next band practice.
Funny story....Dude. She literally brought me a shot of ice cream when she returned....You ever see those little tiny minicups? The kind that they feed to like a two year old? She knows I usually get the Oreo blizzard. Just X you got me a mini blizzard which was chocolate chip cookie dough and vanilla. I just gave her the look like..."Are you kidding me?" Then we both laughed and she went on and on and on about how much she paid for this little shot of ice cream. Maybe she was tight on money? I was polite and grateful and thank her for it it anyway. I kind of did a Rodney Dangerfield Easy Money.... You know the scene where he's on a diet and it's his first day as wife brings him like all mini versions of like sausages and eggs, and he goes to his daughter and says "Melinda I can't finish all my eggs... You want some of my eggs?" So I did that shtick with my son jokingly..."S1 I can't finish all my ice cream?..... You want some of my ice cream?" And I just shared my shot of ice cream with him. She went on and on again about how much it wasn't worth it cost for that little shot that she might as well just gotten a small. But she made sure to get herself a 30 ounce tall blizzard.
Also recently she went out to a meeting for another dietary program call trim life. This'll probably be her hundred program that she subscribes to but never has the discipline to follow through with to make Lifestyle Changes. I'm curious to see if this one takes for her, especially when she still ordering takeout food constantly pizza and ice cream. Nail appointments have increased from biweekly to weekly, she puts on perfume and makeup now just to go grocery shopping, is wearing hot bright lipstick, just for other random errands, and again phone usage sting and Facebook Messenger has significantly increased. New clothes purchases, underwear bathing suits and other stuff, is putting up more and more inspirational quotes on Facebook on self-worth, etc.. She never did these things when we were even dating. She is wearing perfume that I would have preferred her to wear all throughout our marriage that she would have considered and called stripper perfumes, that smell sweet and appealing. I still don't see any signs of an active EA/PA. Not that it's any of my business anymore. But I remember a while ago my wife always said women never doll themselves up just for themselves, they do it to get other men, or compete with other women. She always used to blame women's insecurities and confidence about themselves on the sex appeal to attract other guys, that women go through all of this trouble just to get them. I've always intuitively known this since my early twenties. These are all just funny observations to me. People typically do reinvent themselves and try to appear more confident externally especially after a breakup. In her case it is weight loss surgery she's never followed through with, new clothes makeup and perfumes new purses new mani-pedis a whole bunch of new makeup products new deodorant another self care products too. Whether she is doing this to feel more confident on herself, or doing it to attract other men who knows but it is funny to watch. It's comical watching some of the 180s and lifestyle changes that you wish would have happened while you were together, and you start question why and who they're doing it for? This is why you believe none of what they say only half of what they do. And pay attention to their actions and not their words.
A couple of days ago after a serious conversation about divorce when it came to the 1% unsureity of it, she said something along the lines of "If only you could read my mind what I am thinking." When I brought up my band practice after that. She projected onto me that once my buddy and I get it going on the road and start doing gigs, that I'm probably going to be hitting up a lot of groupies. Because she knows I'm such a good singer and I do have sex appeal in that area. She also went on to ask that if I get involved with anyone, to let her know. More projection? Possibly. Its all pretty comical how people make outward changes right before your eyes during a breakup over months, or when tgere is possibly another person involved, and some things they don't change, and some things they do. Makes you wonder if a leopard can change its spots? And if the emporer, or emporess really has no clothes? Just food for thought.
IH, don't put in ear buds if she's trying to have a serious convo with you. Give her your full attention. Listen and validate. It's very disrespectful to listen to music while someone is trying to talk to you.
Regarding her diets, her eating habits, what she's posting on FB, her perfume, her underwear, WHO CARES. Her circus, her monkeys.
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She projected onto me that once my buddy and I get it going on the road and start doing gigs, that I'm probably going to be hitting up a lot of groupies.
That's a temp check. Now THAT would have been a good time to smile and put your earbuds back in.
LH : "IH, don't put in ear buds if she's trying to have a serious convo with you. Give her your full attention. Listen and validate. It's very disrespectful to listen to music while someone is trying to talk to you."
Gave her my full attn. when necessary. Otherwise did my own thing. She watched her tv. So all is good.. As far as the rest. I don't care... Just a behavior observation. I like to learn signs when people are pulling away or fooling around for next time in case I ever see it again in an R. It is a pretty common occurance. That's all. And I did actually smirk and put my ear buds back in during the groupie comment.
