Now what?

[kml]

Oh honey - I know about the crying, but don't let it get you down. I'm glad you have financial security. (And if you do reconcile and then inherit that property, please look into ways you can keep that as separate property. I know here in the US if you always keep it separate and don't use funds from the joint checking to maintain it then your spouse has no right to your inheritance).

I was married for 24 years. Now, 10 years later, is the age when we both could have retired and had quite a nice life on our social security and H's pension. Could be traveling right now! Instead he ran off in a MLC, ended up marrying a young woman 19 years younger (thank god not an affair partner, she came along a year later). She gets to go on all the world-traveling vacations while I'm working to help our adult children on their feet (the divorce really threw a monkey wrench into their lives). Nonetheless, I've realized that my life is probably better without him, and every man I've dated since my divorce has appreciated me more than my ex did. I've had many adventures since he left, learned to play the drums in a punk band, learned to play vibraphone and glockenspiel with my friend who is a professional singer-songwriter and have toured with her, have financial security if not the lifestyle I thought, but enough.

When he comes over and you're going out for the evening, be dressed to kill and wearing nice perfume. Even if you're just going to the library. Let him think you're wearing that new Victoria's Secret underwear and worry about where you might be going.

[Hamburg]

Barb,

I have to say, for something being relatively fresh, you seem rather clear headed about all of this. Keep rolling with that and do for yourself.

Him hanging around and especially him wanting you to keep the house for a year speak to you being his plan B. Don't let that happen.

Do not believe anything he says and trust a small portion of his actions. You are correct to get everything in writing. The MLC mind is out for itself only. Lies, drama, manipulation, more lies, financial irresponsibility, irrational behaviors are likely in your future.

Protect yourself emotionally and financially. Keep up the good work.

[BarbH]

Thanks kml and Hamburg-yes, I've always had that ability to hope for the best, and plan for the worst. So even though one part of my mind is spinning like a top, the other part can plan...I do critical care and I think that's a skill developed through that!

That being said, here it is 3 am, and I'm wide awake and in turmoil. Weirdly last evening I was reading and the joyful (there is no other expression for it) feeling came into my mind like God was talking to me and it was "he's coming back". It was almost overwhelming. I have been putting this in the hands of God. But here I am again in the wee hours. I've cut back my antidepressants-phoning my doc today as they were turning me into a zombie. Now I'm back wrestling with all the uncertainty. Just random 3 am thoughts. Visiting my in-laws tomorrow. Trying hard not to stress them out too much (my in-laws are totally stressed by this, and can't believe it either). We want to stay friends through all this.

""Do not believe anything he says and trust a small portion of his actions. You are correct to get everything in writing. The MLC mind is out for itself only. Lies, drama, manipulation, more lies, financial irresponsibility, irrational behaviors are likely in your future. [/quote]

I'm actually totally freaked out by the lies. We've always been honest with each other, at least I thought so. Drama-I'm also puzzled that there is no drama between him and me (does this make any sense?) almost like he doesn't have enough emotion about me to even have an angry/emotional spark. it's like he's emotionally dead, except for his eyes darting around everywhere. Just nothing....he's totally detached. He's never even really talked about why he wants out-just "we're beyond talking 2 months ago" (followed of course by "I love you, it's always only been you" followed 5 days later by "no spark"). Maybe we are done? Maybe he's convinced we're done? I'm not. But then why not sell (I've mentioned it twice-as in "if we are really done, we should just sell). See, my mind starts circling again.

I don't even get to try validation as the conversation is so banal.

The drama is what I think he's been enjoying with his "workfriend". He left his facebook open a few weeks ago (I don't snoop anymore, it's beneath me and doesn't change anything). The messages between him and his male friends at work were nauseating-like reading about a Grade 10 boy's crush on someone. "ooh she's giving me the cold shoulder" that kind of thing. Made me want to vomit. So clearly the guys at work are egging this on-they call it the "Donny and Marie" show. Is no-one saying "hey what about your 33 yr relationship?"

The mixed messages right now are clearly not in my favour. Have we squandered so much over the past few years that there is no recovery? That thought just makes me want to curl up on the floor and howl.

thanks for listening to my 3 in the morning thoughts. It's the worst time of day.

[peacetoday]

yes I used to get the 3 am thoughts and sometimes still do

I keep my I pad close by and put on some
I AM affirmations to quiet them and send me in a positive direction-back to sleep-

you are doing well and this is a challenging time for sure
continue to take care of you-
make sure you are eating..if you you dont want to
get fresh air/exercise
sleep, rest breathe, yoga if you can
meditation
read, share with trusted support people
take good care of your body

anything is possible but the hard part is the waiting and you will not know until time passes what direction he goes
so your best bet is to heal and grieve
the old Relationship is over
practice whatever new skills help you and some may also help the relationship to promote a healthy friendship

sorry to hear his CO workers seem to think his infactuation is a fun thing
many people deny the reality of MLC and some say it is contagious--

[BarbH]

Thanks Peace. That notepad is a good idea-I always seem to have a fit at 3 or 4 in the morning.

I am sure to workout daily, going to start meditation.

Yes, all his divorced co-workers seem to be egging it on. One even suggested he sign up with Plenty of fish because there's lots of "horny 50 somethings". Thanks guys, for dragging him into your vortex.

I know our old relationship is over. I just hope there's enough left to bring him back at some point. I've acknowledge my contributions to our issues, and am more than willing to work on it-in counselling now.

Grieving....I'm like a giant walking bleeding heart. Trying though-I have things to do today, hair cut/style colour tomorrow, Friend's at the lake on thursday. That's as far ahead as I go.

[peacetoday]

Barb

you are doing a good jobYou and all you can at this point

a lot of the crises is just waiting ( healing during our wait time)
to see where it all goes-
The time is valuable and you will know more soon-
Have a good day

[job]

Barb,

Take one step at a time, one hour at a time. You can't plan out too far in advance because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Try to remember that the past is gone, tomorrow is the future and no one knows what it will reveal and yes, today is a present, a gift to do whatever we need to do to survive while we walk the path. It's true, time is our friend, gift and it's golden. Use it wisely

Yes, his divorced friends will egg him on because they relish the fact that another marriage may bite the dust and trust me, they do know what is going on w/him and probably are laughing behind his back at the mistakes he's making. His new friends won't know his history and they will encourage him to do things that he would never have thought of doing had he not been in crisis. This is a very emotional and spiritual trip for him and until he faces his childhood issues and comes to realize that he had no control over whatever happened, he will control stumble along the crisis path.

No matter what you say to him, he will not listen. In fact, he will be more determined to do whatever it is that you've pointed out that is out of character for him. The best thing to do is drop the rope of trying to have a rational conversation w/him because you can't do so when they are so emotionally charged. The greatest gift you can give him right now is the time and space he needs to heal. I know it's difficult to do, but you have to let him go for a while.

If you opt to keep a journal, be sure you put it in a safe place when he's around. Also, make sure you password your electronics so that he can't see what you are up to or come here. Also, be sure to have yourself checked out to ensure that he's not given you anything.

Keep the focus on you. Sit quietly when necessary and the answers will come. Hang in there!

[BarbH]

Well yesterday was one heck of day-went to visit my sister in law to apologize for some of things that I hadn't done well for the past few years of my depression/recovery.. ended up there for 4 hours (this is where H is staying when he's working) I was good until we got to the subject of my Br Ca. I've been waiting for 5 years for validation from H that he stills loves me (even though I feel scarred and maimed) and that it doesn't matter that I lost my breasts (reconstructed, but not the same). From his sister-"he was devastated" more than once he was at their place crying and saying "I don't care if she loses her breasts, I just don't want her to die" I broke down I needed so much to hear this from him but he is so weirdly emotionally repressed even then, he didn't say it to me. This hurt so much to hear even 4 years later. And the tears just kept coming.

One of my issues I guess I need to work on is not just saying I'm fine, but actually asking for what I need.

His family thinks the EA has died off, he just goes to their place after work and watches TV. Has stopped going to the gym, stopped running (which is too bad as I think it was good for him), seems to not be going out for beers with the boys as much. I'm concerned that as we all feel this is about aging/death-his 60th is coming up in August like it or not. Is he starting to cycle towards depression? who knows.

He came home last week while I was in full anger mode at him (unexpected arrival), I'd just replayed in my head everything he's done and was royally ticked off. I was civil, but certainly not upbeat. He bailed out back to his sister's-went in and said sounding surprised "Barb cold-shouldered me!" His sister told him "what the h3ll do you think she would do?" She's quite awesome.

He's home again this Friday, potentially for 4 days. Plans are full day in town-appointments/lunch with friends, not coming home all day even if it means I take myself for a drive somewhere in between appointments. Saturday-I have to be home, getting organized for work again on Sunday (I've had 6 weeks off). Sunday-back to work. Monday-I get to sleep in the aft for night shifts. It's not really GAL, but at least it's getting back to my life!

Still need to gird my loins for detachment. It's something I consciously have to plan for when I know he's coming.

Thanks for the support.

[Gordie]

Barb,

You are on the right track that you have to consciously detach. It’s hard. He is a hot mess of very strong emotions. You are an oasis of calm (or at least good at faking it when he is around).

Self care is really important or else you will burn out. Scream and cry and punch things when he is not around. Do things that calm you with friends or by yourself. Read a book for pleasure. Take a walk in the woods. Get a massage. Go on a vacation.

[BarbH]

Thanks Gordie: I've rediscovered my treadmill and gym downstairs-lost 30 lbs! so far. Endorphins are great. My dog is getting lots of very, very long walks, and my journal contains language nobody but me should ever read! It's still so difficult, part of me just wants to scream at him and have him "snap out of it" which I know isn't going to happen. I get that pit of my stomach feeling when he's here, and plan on having lots to do. Even if it is just going to my room and watching netflix! Love the suggestion about the range from someone on here-I went yesterday and realized how cathartic that was too. I hadn't been for a few years.