Don't buy the house unless you are POSITIVE it's a good financial move for you.
First of all - isn't half the down payment his? What if he takes that money?
Second - what if he flakes out and loses his job it doesn't pay child support? Will you lose your home to foreclosure?
Third - property prices are very high in many places, renting might be the better financial option. Home ownership has many hidden costs. Will you be able to afford unexpected things like a new water heater, new furnace, roof repairs? There are calculators where you can see ifvrenting or buying is the better deal in your area.
Fourth - if you don't reconcile and end up in a new relationship in a few years, will you be able to rent the house out for the payments taxes and repairs?
Don't be emotional about the decision. You might not qualify for a mortgage on your own anyway.
And seriously, what grown adult uses What's App unless they're trying to hide something? I'd be wondering what he was using it for in the past.
I don't know how you go about finding the OW. Many would say don't bother as the pain may provoke you into counter-productive actions. But I think knowledge is power if you can handle it. And I'd sure want to know about the woman that he is likely going to have around your kids.
Is his business one where someone could sit outside and observe him going to lunch with OW or such?
No Kml he works at a school and they finished for summer today. Also possibly why he is panicked if ow is a co worker. It means more time apart but he is now moving in with his “friend” on Monday. To give us space before the holiday. He has just tried to say that he should just go with the kids which I obviously said no to. He is desperate to get away from me. This is why I need to know what’s going on.
Every time he blows up or argues he is back on WhatsApp. So it’s either a PA or he is confiding in someone and it’s an EA or both.
I would take a few steps back Just get centered through breath or yoga or listen to Joel Olsteen (if you are ok with that) or find a positive speaker( free online) to help center you
Get peaceful Breathe
Remember it does not matter who she is, what he is doing, where he is going
Right now you have to take care of you
So I suggest just let go---
Alanon has phone meetings everyday all day long and coda Find Numbers and times online
These programs are similar to DB as they encourage Self Care These 12 step programs can bring you relief support and a phone call away and free-
Get centered first..them you will know what to do-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Figure out your financial status first- You definitely dont want his name on the house, and you want to make sure if you buy it-it will be only yours-
The MLCer is NOT trustworthy and he will try to take from you and his kids They get totally crazy
So my best suggestions:
Get grounded Pray to let go in thought and find peace Let him go where ever he will be living--it doesnt matter dont confront him about OW Seek a lawyer asap
with him gone the house will be quiet
Be there for the kids and to to be nuetral with any talk around H to kids Dont put him down, but be honest Dad is having a tough time...It will be best for him to leave if he feels he has to Hopefully he will work things out for himself
I am here for you always- Get support from family/friends to help with care of kids what are their ages?
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yeah, he sure sounds like the very very typical person in an affair. If he works at a school it should be fairly easy to narrow down who the candidates are? (Unless the students are adults, then all bets are off). Has he even told you the name of this "friend" he is supposedly moving in with? (And please please tell me this school isn't a high school and we don't have to worry about him sleeping with a student?)
And on the vacation - heck no. YOU deserve to go and have a good time with your kids, he gave up rights to that when he decided to have an affair and move out. Bring a good friend or sibling with you and make it a great trip. Let him miss you and the kids.
Really, as hard as it is to watch them drive the bus off the cliff, you cannot stop him from his craziness at this point. You can tell him what he's giving up, you have offered to go to counseling with him, but in the long run, he's going to do what he's going to do and there's very little you can do to affect that except be the person he would be crazy to leave. Create a fantastic life for you and your kids.
Part of my story is, my ex cheated the night before our wedding. I forgave him and put it down to wedding jitters. When our 3 children were young teens he cheated again. I DB'd my behind off and we reconciled, and actually had several very good years. Then when my youngest was 17 he departed in a MLC cloud as he was turning 50.
In retrospect, my children suffered a lot because of my poor choice to make babies with someone who had already shown he could cheat. And in those last years between his affair and his departure, I thought things were good for my kids - but they told me later they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It took me some time after we separated to realize what a narcissist my ex was and how much of myself I had given up in trying to keep him happy and accommodate him. I blew past SO MANY red flags in our relationship.
I'm not saying he might not come back - he very well might, this might be a temporary derangement. Once he finds out OW can't make him happy either because HE is the problem, he might wake up. BUT - the best way for that to happen is for you to move forward with your life, dropping the rope. Make life for you and your kids so fantastic that he'll be begging to come back - and then make him do the work. (IF you even want him by that point, and you very well may not).
Do you have family in the area? What kind of support system do you have? Where is his family?
Thanks peace. I went for a walk, cleared my head and re-read DR over and over again. I decided against snooping. It isn't me to invade privacy and I don't intend to start now. Thanks for your advice.
I am hoping to get my telephone coaching session in before we go away so that I have a plan. I think this is what I am lacking. I have backed way off, no text, phone calls, stop going on about the R, stopped following him round interrogating him. He now follows me round to tell me he is leaving and what to do with the furniture, kids etc seemingly to push my buttons. He has threatened to leave now for 6 weeks.
My kids are 11, 10 (this Thursday) and 8. I am 35, H38. I have family around and am close to H mum, haven't told anyone much as I am hoping to reconcile - especially H mum as she is on his side.
He doesn't speak to his mum really, nor his 2 sisters so doesn't have anyone really other than me. He was pretty unloved as a child whereas his sisters were the golden girls and I know this is all true because I have seen first hand over the years how differently he is treated in the family, and our children compared to the other grandchildren. H mum doesn't seem to like men including her own son. I am the last problem to get rid of it seems.
Thanks for sharing your story kml. I don't think they realise the reality of leaving until they actually go. he has everything perfect in theory in his head. The children do suffer so much don't they more than they show/say. He seems to think he can walk off into the sunset, have no contact with me and pass messages through the children. He is going to a work party tonight and staying over. I wished him a good time as I won't be here when he goes. I am going out with the kids.
I have a couple of ideas who it could be, they all have kids of their own but not sure if married. All co-workers. He has told me the name of the friend he will be staying with, but again I have never met him so it could all be nonsense.
He went away with work for 3 days a couple of weeks back, on a school trip. The people I think it could be didn't go. He text me twice a day while there asking how the kids were and I replied simply each time. To me it was an excuse to text as I would have told him if there was something wrong. When he returned he told me proudly that he didn't miss me at all during those 3 days and so he is absolutely doing the right thing. (He goes away for 2 weeks a year on training weeks abroad normally and so 3 days away being busy with activities is hardly telling, but I agreed with him).
The friend he says he is moving in with actually happens to be someone he was in the military with, who as pure coincidence works at the same place. They had lost touch since leaving the forces. The friend is single, Batchelor lifestyle.
Last night he lay right up to me, closer to me than he has in a while and while he thought I was sleeping touched my face. I didn't respond.
I fully plan on creating a great life for me and the children. :-)
he will and is choosing his path and you can only let go and be free and use your energy to choose your path with or without him At this point by his voice and actions it is without him
Once my XH moved out, I felt so free the energy in the home immediately shifted from dark gloomy to more positive-
It was my home, I was free to redecorate it and create new traditions and activities and friends for me and the kids-
You are still quite young- and if he cant figure things out you can and will move on-eventually
Most of us take the time needed 1-2 years to stand for our Marriage support our wayward H, and get support and counseling to grieve the loss of the family and relationship
Then we are all free to continue standing or not
each of here here probably has a little different outcome
some MLCers may try to return
Many people come to this board and them leave after time so we never really know the full sucess/failure rate of the MLCwe Hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
