What I don’t know how to do is handle this. I can’t seperate detachment and love in my head. I can’t do it in real life either. If I detach where what she does doesn’t bother me. That means I have no love left for her. They go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Why does she think she can do this.
I have very little doubt she is having an EA. She spends loads if time in bathroom. Not normal. Always msging on her phone.
How is not just saying “ok fine. Let’s get divorced” not the ultimate dB. If Tarzan is up there lookin for a vine to grab into. Maybe I should be up there with a pair of scissors
You guys warned me. But I got too happy about her wanting to be close to me and talk to me and sit beside me that I forgot she is also cruel and mean and a cheater
She told me years ago she has cheated in every boyfriend she has ever had. Guess once a cheater always a cheater
Oh and we are back to Darth Vader using the force to sleep if the edge again
What did I do to set her back. I don’t get it. The bathroom thing?
Because she is making decisions based on emotions. What she is getting from the ea is the same feeling as a crack addict gets when puffing on a crack pipe.
Well I guess that's on you OZ. When someone tells you who they are believe them. You can't buy a zebra and take him to the farm and expect him to be a horse.
Because right now if you bring up D she is going to roll with it and let everyone know it's your idea.
If you want to blow up the affair I am ok with it but first you better have proof and second you better be willing to walk away if she doesn't end it. There is nothing more unattractive then a man who is openly willing to share his W with another man.
What I don’t know how to do is handle this. I can’t seperate detachment and love in my head. I can’t do it in real life either. If I detach where what she does doesn’t bother me. That means I have no love left for her. They go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Why does she think she can do this.
Absolutes will kill you. There are no absolutes. You CAN detach...AND love her. Many of us have done it!! I think the problem you are having is a misconception on both detachment AND love. Most guys have the wrong idea of love.
So take some time to think and tell me what you think both are. Tell me what you think detachment is. And then tell me what you think love is.
Originally Posted by ozman
I have very little doubt she is having an EA. She spends loads if time in bathroom. Not normal. Always msging on her phone.
Yep, serious red flags. So what does that mean? Let's assume she is in an EA and a PA. What does that change for you? You've said you think you can get over that. Fine. But in the meantime what does it mean? Are you willing to kick her out of the MBR? Are you willing to tell her that she can't come back to the MBR until any EA or PA is over with full transparency? What ACTIONS are you going to take if there is an EA and/or PA?
Originally Posted by ozman
How is not just saying “ok fine. Let’s get divorced” not the ultimate dB. If Tarzan is up there lookin for a vine to grab into. Maybe I should be up there with a pair of scissors
You can do that. But don't do it just to manipulate her back or out of her A. Do ONLY when you are ready to be D'd. If you say that do not be surprised if you end up D'd. Lots of LBSs have taken this tack "I will tell her I want a D, that will snap her out of it!" and then are shocked when the end up D'd. So only take that step WHEN you are ready to be D'd.
Originally Posted by ozman
You guys warned me. But I got too happy about her wanting to be close to me and talk to me and sit beside me that I forgot she is also cruel and mean and a cheater
We've been there. We've done that. We are warning LBSs about things to be mean, or because we don't want you to succeed. We've all seen it in our own sitches. And in others' sitches.
Originally Posted by ozman
She told me years ago she has cheated in every boyfriend she has ever had. Guess once a cheater always a cheater
Interesting information that you should have shared with us a long time ago. ozman, yes typically a leopard doesn't change their spots. Unfortunately. Did you ever wonder why she told you that? Was it a warning? When you couple that history with your relationships beginnings, there are a lot of red flags here. This is going to be hard. The odds are stacked against you. It is time to gird up your loins and get ready for a lot of work, no matter how this turns out. Oh and we are back to Darth Vader using the force to sleep if the edge again
Originally Posted by ozman
What did I do to set her back. I don’t get it. The bathroom thing?
Yes. Pressure and pursuit will set you back 99.99999999999%. Again, we've all seen it before. This is why we warned you not to apply any pressure or pursuit. Even joejoe's advice was to give her some emotional support to see where it led, not to offer to get naked with her.
You touched the pot. You got burned. Learn from it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She told me about her past boyfriends early in our R. She said she wanted me to know cause she wanted the air to be clear in a new R.
She told me a year or 2 ago “I would never cheat on you. That’s just mean. If we can’t work out I would just leave I wouldn’t do that to you”
I want to blow it up. But I don’t have proof. But I’m not stupid either.
She was a different person before I met her. She turned her life around right before we met. She got into drugs when she was 12. The really hard stuff by the time she was 14. Dropped out of school. When we met when she was 20 she had stopped it all. Been an awesome wife and mother for the last 10 years
I just can’t believe this. I don’t understand
If I’m going to effectively dB I have to understand this. It’s a must. I
oz, plan out what your actions will be. If you blow it up, how? After blowing it up, what next? Don't react out of emotion. Think logically and have a plan.
I don't care if you two have been naked 24/7 for the last year, she made it clear she wanted privacy to change alone in the bathroom. You pressured on it. She slapped your hand. As R2C said, NOTHING changed. The only thing that changed was you got your feelings hurt. Nothing is different now than it was before you said that the bathroom was big enough for both of you.
Maybe she had to go to the bathroom before changing and didn't want you in there. I've been with my W for 22 1/2years and still don't go to the bathroom (the sit down kind) with her in the bathroom.
Relax, breathe. There is no reason to act. Remember, in DBing sometimes the best action is no action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What did I do to set her back. I don’t get it. The bathroom thing?
Yes. Pressure and pursuit will set you back 99.99999999999%. Again, we've all seen it before. This is why we warned you not to apply any pressure or pursuit. Even joejoe's advice was to give her some emotional support to see where it led, not to offer to get naked with her.
You touched the pot. You got burned. Learn from it.
Not sure I totally agree. You pursued and I totally agree that was a mistake. Yes you touched the pot and got burned - agree with that.
But other than the DB'ing mistakes that you made.
Your major fault was breathing air.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER ISSUES.
She owns them not you.
Stop trying to fix things you can not fix.
If I told you to step off a 50 story building and you would fly would you do it? And if you did it once and lived would you do it again?
You can not stop gravity and that is what you are asking to do.
No. She will deny. Lie. Make excuses. I told someone earlier this week or last, even when I knew my W was in the bathroom for an hour and a half taking nude photos for OM, when I asked, why she made an excuse about having an upset stomach and digestive issues.
When you have proof you blow it up by saying: "I know what is going on." And then let her know she is no longer welcome in the MBR. If she doesn't move out, you move her out. You do not tell her how you know, or show her the evidence.
Accusing without proof will make you look weak and desperate. 95% sure is not enough in this case.
Again, what has changed from before the bathroom thing? Are you acting out of emotion, because you got hurt by her closing the bathroom door? Or from a position of strength (having irrefutable evidence of an EA)?
Last edited by Steve85; 07/18/1901:11 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
