Reply with "I haven't decided yet." but still prepare for it anyway. Give no absolutes of your motives or intentions. Your lawyer is your business not hers until they get together and hammer out a deal for dissolution and equitible split. Don't even acknowledge the lawyer questions or are you going to file questions. Just say I haven't decided yet and ask for the receipts anyway for your record-keeping since you are paying for half of it. She probably is temp checking because she's unprepared to file unless she has already seen a lawyer and retained them.
I agree I like "I haven't decided yet". She's temp checking. My suspicions are that she's either early in an A or she's on the hunt and once she's locked someone down she will most likely D you.
Yeah IHC sounds about right. Thanks I will start using that line.
LH I think you are absolutely right. I know she has been GGW. And is most likely looking/ has already found AP.
Not feeling very hopeful these days. I know my sitch hasn’t been more than 4 months since BD but I’m definitely feeling less hopeful than a few months ago. Still bouncing back and forth between wanting to file myself and giving it more time. Guess I will wait for now and see if I can become more certain on if I should just file. Idk part of me thinks that filing would be the best option at this point because she is clearly in no rush to D at the moment and knows that I haven’t decided to yet either. Scks being in this limbo/holding pattern, wondering what the outcome will be. Feels like she has all the control of the sitch and I don’t like that feeling. I know I just need to let my thoughts about it go away.
I’ve been good at detachment lately but had a moment when I brought my S home after a few days of W having him. For the first hour he acted like he didn’t know where he was and acted afraid and would cry if I stopped holding him. Fckin broke my heart. Feeling a lot of sadness/resentment toward W today just because of my S reaction. Tomorrow will be a better day I suppose. Thanks all.
Also should add that I plan on putting a down payment on a house soon. Obviously this isn’t an option right now because of possible/probably divorce incoming. Thinking about that maybe it’s best if I should just file so I can get a house sooner. Still need to be more certain though.
Its hard Hallzy. Its hard to watch our children miss out on what could potentially be a great family dynamic when the other wants out. The other could want out for so many different reasons either having to do with us, or not having anything to do with us at all. That all we can do is take control of ourselves and our decisions. Its a helpless feeling. But it doesn't have to be. Its heartbreaking. Its heartbreaking to us, our spouses, and our families. But the heart wants what it wants. Some people want what they can't have, and have what they don't want. So as painful as it is for some of us going through this. I think a lot of us get to a point where we surrender to it and say, "Why fight it?" "Why am I so focused on them, on the M, when they don't want us anymore, and we could be using all those months/years of time and energy rebuilding ourselves." All we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves and our kids with the information, and the experience and coping skills we have at that time. You are going to go back and forth a lot in limbo about whether if you should file or not because of the way you are being currently treated, and wondering all these things about the future what your life will be like without them. It could be miserable, it could be awesome because you are no longer miserable being in a $hitty situation, and you worked on yourself. It could make you wonder? What if I gave things more time and patience? I don't know if this is the right answer or not? But since we are the ones that didn't want this in the first place? Then why file? Why not let them file? Then there is the other side where all you want to do is file so you can move on with your life away from this treatment and thus misery to find peace around you and within you. Only time, healing, inner and outer work will tell.
Hey IHC, yeah I guess that’s why they call it limbo haha. Yeah I agree with making them do all the work. It was their idea and a big one of my reasons against filing is that I don’t want to do her dirty work for her. Just thinking about my S and how it’s quite possible he won’t have memories of his parents being a family, but time will tell.
Well I was right and I am feeling good and detached again today. Checking more goals/GALs off the list. Signed up for my motorcycle course, I’ve wanted to ride for years but kept putting it off I guess. Stopped by a Harley Davidson dealership and looked at some nice bikes. Part of it was because my dad rode for years and didn’t want me to get injured but he’s gone now and life’s short so why not.
Also my piano was delivered today. There are a few songs I’ve always wanted to learn, but once again never got around to it. I know it sounds stupid but I’d love to just walk up to a random public piano somewhere and play some pretty skillful song.
I can say for certain, one of the best positives of my sitch is that I have done so many things and interacted with so many people that I never would have pre BD. I feel like Jim Carey in Yes Man because if a friend asks me to go some where or do something new, it’s now an automatic yes. That’s all, take care guys.
I don't think your desire to be able to play a song at a public piano is silly at all. I have often wanted to take piano lessons for this same reason. In fact, your post here might have inspired me. I hear that the Simply Piano app for the iPhone and iPad is a great piano teaching tool.
Has GALing become easier since the separation? I try to GAL, but I feel like I have to be at home so much for my three kids.
Not feeling very hopeful these days. I know my sitch hasn’t been more than 4 months since BD but I’m definitely feeling less hopeful than a few months ago.
We all come here solely focused on saving our M's, but as you continue down the road at some point your hope shifts from your M to just a better life. You have a hundred reasons to have hope for a better life, and only one of them is a saved M. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't, but you should have 99 other things you're focused on too.
I offer my sitch up now and then as a reason to have hope, and I'm really not trying to boast but to just let you and others know a great life is waiting for you. I divorced, I dated some really sexy, beautiful women and settled on a long-term relationship with one of them. We've been together 4 years now. She is young, beautiful, has a centerfold figure and we are very committed to each other. She's made me realize how stifling and boring my marriage was, I made so many compromises that I never should have had to make. It's ironic that I worked so hard to save a M to someone I wasn't really that compatible with. She's wild and full of spirit and has re-energized my life. And the sex is absolutely incredible and without limits. Of course we have ups and downs like any relationship but my point is if your marriage doesn't make it, there are plenty of opportunities out there just waiting for you.
After BD when I started to realize my M was well and truly dead, I figured I was just counting the days until death. I had no idea a whole new exciting, invigorating life was waiting for me. On the show Vikings, Rolo lost his wife and his position in the tribe and was despondent, he went to the Seer and asked if that was it, his life was over. The Seer started laughing and said "Oh Rolo, if you knew what the gods have in store for you, you would go down and dance naked on the beach!" If your M doesn't make it, you can make WHATEVER YOU WANT of your life.
Hey Destroyd, yes although it isn’t like this for everyone, I have been able to detach far more since the separation. It’s much easier not to think about someone when you don’t see them everyday. And yes with split custody I have far more free time for GAL. I only have 1 S though so I can imagine 3 children requires much more work. Maybe compromise with your W and say, I am going out tonight, I can watch the kids tomorrow if you want to get out of the house.
Hey thanks AS, I’ve read some of your more recent sitch and you are definitely in a better place. I have had the opportunity to partake in far more activities and have made so many more friends since seperation, so I have seen many positives out of my sitch. I am hopeful for my own future, just not as hopeful for my future with W. And that is okay.
Short update: Had great weekend with S. Went to the beach with my best friend, sons godfather. When dropping S off with W, I arrived early and W was not home yet. Her mom was however and invited me in. We had a pleasant talk for a few. She told me I could hang out until W got home but I told her I had somethings to do and was gonna run.
Few hours later W texted me. Asking about my weekend with S. Replied but briefly. She sent me some heart emojis but I know that doesn’t mean shyt. She asked me to bring her some food next time I drop son off. Didn’t reply. She then texted again a few hours later after I didn’t reply. I know I’ve said I need to decrease our interactions but we texted a few paragraphs back and forth, the most in a long time. I have no expectations from this but thought I should document.
