(((IHCLACS))). So sorry you are going through such a rough patch. Have others have said... you are not alone. Get yourself on an antidepressant with an anti anxiety component. I did for awhile and it did help me. I agree that an IC would be what is most recommended. If you can’t do that, do as much reading as you can. Find a support group. Connect with safe friends who you can talk to about this stuff (in moderation though as you don’t want to stress your friendships too much).
Here’s the thing... you don’t NEED your wife... you WANT her. That is not the same thing. What would you do if she had passed away? You would grieve for a period of time and then you would pick yourself up off the ground and get on with building yourself a new life. You would do this because you would have no choice. This sitch is no different only your W isn’t dead which is a blessing, isn’t it? You are grieving right now and trying to recover from a huge hit to the self esteem. I know EXACTLY what that feels like and it is a pain I would not want to wish on anyone. I had days that were soooo hard to get through. But I got through them and so will you. This time last year I was married and oblivious to my H’s affair. Now my STBXH is living with someone else and I found out last week he is engaged to be married. If you had told me that six months ago, it would have devastated me. But now? Meh... it bothered me for a couple hours and then I got on with my day. She is not marrying my H. That man no longer exists.
Time really is the great healer IH. Keep your focus on GAL and 180s. If you do, you will begin to heal in spite of yourself. Just stay the course and have faith that right now everything is as it should be. Accept it. Save yourself. There is a future out there for you. Not the one you planned or counted on but a future nonetheless and like Wolfman said...it could be a fantastic one!! (((HUGS)))
IH I hear how much you are struggling. I have had many days like that too. You need to get on antidepressants. They have really helped me out. They don’t work right away, it takes about a week or 2 but once they kick in you will feel different. Like Steve said, those emotions can become actions and we don’t want that.
^^^This^^^ About 2 months after my XW moved out I suddenly went into deep, dark depression. The timing made no sense, there was no trigger, it just happened. I went to the doc and he put me on Viibryd. Like Wolf said it takes a week or two for them to reach full efficacy. But once they did I felt so much better. Within a month I felt like my old pre-BD self for the first time. I was on them 3 or 4 months and then weaned off with the help of my doc (reduced 20% a week). It doesn't cost much and it doesn't have to be forever. Situational depression like we go through is often due to a chemical shift in your body, and A/D's (especially SSRI's) can correct the imbalance.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I want you to think about something. If someone asked you 5 years ago where would you be today, would you think it would be this? Probably not!! I know this is hard because I feel your exact pain of hopelessness and feeling alone. But who’s to say 5 years from now you will be in the most amazing relationship with another woman. And you are looking back saying, “man I can’t believe I was so upset over my ex when I have this new amazing woman!!”
That's pretty much my situation. It's been years, I have a beautiful girlfriend now and life is great. I will say I don't think back and wonder why I was upset about losing my XW though. I loved her very much. I loved our life together, I loved raising our kids together, planning for the future together. To have all of that ripped away was extremely traumatic. I'm not sure we ever completely get over it just like we never get over the death of a loved one. But we learn to live with it and move on. We learn to enjoy life again, and to be happy again.
Here’s the thing... you don’t NEED your wife... you WANT her. That is not the same thing. What would you do if she had passed away? You would grieve for a period of time and then you would pick yourself up off the ground and get on with building yourself a new life. You would do this because you would have no choice. This sitch is no different only your W isn’t dead which is a blessing, isn’t it?
So true. I would never wish death on my XW but I've mentioned here before that I can't help but think that death is easier to get over than BD. Your loved one isn't coming back from death, no waiting to see what will happen. It's final. You accept it, you suffer and grieve and learn to deal with it and move on. We go through almost exactly the same process after BD but it's so much harder to let go and move on because we don't know if things are truly over or not.
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She is not marrying my H. That man no longer exists.
That's a great way, and really the only way, to look at it!
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There is a future out there for you. Not the one you planned or counted on but a future nonetheless
Exactly. And we can choose to hate it and be miserable, or we can choose to make the best of it and enjoy the new and different future. But in the end, which path we go down is OUR choice and not our spouse's. They can temporarily knock us down, but if we stay down then that's on us, not them.
So true. I would never wish death on my XW but I've mentioned here before that I can't help but think that death is easier to get over than BD. Your loved one isn't coming back from death, no waiting to see what will happen. It's final. You accept it, you suffer and grieve and learn to deal with it and move on. We go through almost exactly the same process after BD but it's so much harder to let go and move on because we don't know if things are truly over or not.
I totally think that death would be easier than BD. BD involves missing someone AND knowing that they willingly abandoned you. They chose not to love you any more. While you could see them again, they don't want to see you again. They don't want to love you again.
Want to hear something crazy? After singing tonight, I had a crazy thought, imagining being on stage. Someone appreciating me again for who I really am, and not what I have to offer, what I can do, or how I can make them feel even if only for a decade of good years. Then it hit me. I was almost playing out a scenario in my head. Saying to W. I hope someone really makes you happy someday, the way you want to be made happy. I think I'm really starting to let go. Isn't it funny how that happens when you come back to your purpose?
IHC - Awesome GAL'ing, it does feel incredible when you get back in touch with things you used to enjoy that have fallen by the wayside.
When you really let go, I imagine you will instead be thinking: I really hope I make ME happy someday, and the attractive pull and charisma this generates pulls another incredibly happy partner into my life, where our happiness multiplies exponentially. And I can look back and think... I'm so glad I had that experience with my W, because it led me to DB, which led me to grow into a person I would have never otherwise have become.
Just wanted to point out the fundamental DB principle that happiness is found within.
And also... that incredibly happy partner... you never know, it could be your W, if she finds that happiness within. Probably unlikely, but you never know.
Hey IHC, great to read you were having fun with GAL. For me it has been the most positive thing about my sitch. When you find something you are passionate about it really helps take the focus off of your W. I made a ton of new friends through my hobby which creates more GAL opportunities! I hope you have more options open up for you and I hope you continue with that positive activity!
Ok I have an issue. Things are really starting to speed up around here in the last 3 days and I need a few pairs of experienced eyes around here with probable pros and cons of choices about housing situation.
W returned Sat from week long vacation from beach with S1. This last was my weekend with S1. I worked 4 hrs OT, came home, showered, and went upstate NY to meet brother at family property to go to country county fair. I advised W I would be returning home late that night with S1 but didn't tell her where I was going with him. (With my own good reasons because of her deluded protective mom brain and previous unnecessary criticisms and unfounded trust issues.)
S1 and I went to the county fair, had a great time, watched a demolition derby, and stayed for fireworks which got off to a late start around 9:30pm. The venue is about 2.5 hrs from our home. W had S1 out at 9:30pm on July 4th previously. We typically don't keep him up that late unless on special occasion typically we have them in bed by 8:30pm.
Even though W previously gave me the courtesy of inviting me to beach and left house address for me last week on refrigerator, I politefully declined. She was upset that I didn't call to speak with S1 all week, which is what I expected she would say. (More on this later.) Saturday night after County Fair, S1, brother and I left around 10:00pm. S1 was sleeping. I had to drive brother back to my mother's home which is 40min. east of where I live. We stopped twice for food, coffee, and smokes. Even though its my weekend. W texts me around 12:30am asking if we are both ok and are in our way home.
W: Are you both ok? H: Yes we are both ok. W: Almost home? H: Yes we are ok and close to home. W: My phone died so I was worried you tried to reach me.
She then calls me, and I let it go to VM. (More on this later too.) So I'm taking with my brother about all the bull$hit she is changing her mind about as of lately regarding house, job, RV single traveling Mom fantasy, getting me to move out by Aug. etc. My brother and I are talking parental rights, divorce/family court, etc. Since he has 17 years experience as pro se litigant in relation to child custody. Just after I drop brother off at Mom's, and driving home with S1. Just before I round our block and pull into the driveway. I get a text message requesting to change my password on an app called My Life. This is at 1:30 am. It is a phone tracking app to monitor gps location. W wanted me to use it a year or two ago, and I was against it just because I don't trust the government, Google, FB, etc, and don't like the idea of being tracked. Which had nothing to do with her at the time. She uses it to keep tabs on FIL, friends and family since FIL has dementia. I never installed or created an account with this My Life app until this last Feb. to attempt to track W after BD since she was and still is exhibiting shady behavior. I was going to get access to her account back in Feb. But I decided not to and just let it go. Deleted the app from my phone, and just left her account and mine alone. So anyway. I get this password reset text from this My Life app when I am 5 minutes from house. I know it's her attempting to track me. I get home. I notice her car is still warm, which means she just got in a little while before me. So she was out all day Sat. I also know this because she mentioned in text that her phone died. Not that it matters because what she does on her own time to me is none of my business anymore, but we both pick apart behaviors and observe any unusual changes in habits with one another.
So I get in. S1 is sleeping in my arms, and I am trying to get him to his bed with as little disturbance as possible. She decided to greet him, start talking to him and has all the lights on. Now he's awake and crying in crib. I express that it was not helpful of her to be greeting and interacting with him as I'm trying to get him back to sleep without disturbance. She proceeds to criticize me for coming home so late with him. I explain to her that I gave her notice that morning that I would be coming in late, and I answered her text that we were okay. I understand her concern with and for S1, but it is my parenting time, and my decision. Doesn't matter where I am going with him if we are to be physically seperated eventually anyway if it's my weekend. Its my judgement call within reason, and none of her concern where I am. Doesn't matter if I'm coming from a fair, Great Adventure or DisneyLand. She doesn't get the call me and badger me all the time if I'm away with him on a weekend. I explain where I was, that once fireworks were over S1 was asleep in car for the whole ride, that we stopped for coffee twice for safety, etc. So it turned out to be a 3 hr drive with stops, she knew we were safe, and that's all she needed to know. I know 1:30 is late but the car ride and S1 sleeping through it was planned. (She does these kinds of things a lot with checking in on me with him all the time but I never bother her at all because I trust her with him.) Otherwise she is a communication ghost with me unless she needs something from me... She starts going into parenting plans and whatnot and family courts, that I can't just go anywhere with S1 on my own time and not tell her. We currently do not have a parenting plan with restrictions of out-of-state, or defined boundaries and dates. Custodial schedule is still currently informal.) I politely call her out and confront her about attempting to reset my password to my My Life account and attempting to track me. She backpeddled and tried to play it off as if she was just trying to look my account up to see if she could find out where I was, and not attempt to gain unauthorized access to my account. She brings up the courts again and her feelings.(She doesn't know WTH she is talking about when it comes to law.) So I just leave it at "Well maybe we should leave that to the lawyers to decide?" And I go to sleep.
Sun morning after S1 wakes up, and she as well. I ask her once she has her coffee I would like to have another discussion with her. She again goes on about how I should have given her a courtesy about my whereabouts, because she gave me an address last week where she was vacationing. I proceed to explain to her my reasoning for never giving her my whereabouts because she is always bothering me with all these fearful thoughts, checking in on me every time, and having all these undermining parental probable scenearios in her mind when I am out with S1. Otherwise she could care less about me. She then segways back into why I didn't call S1 all week on her vacation. That she felt that something was wrong with me about how she perceived that she couldn't believe that I didn't want to talk with S1. I explained that I did miss him, and was going to call him mid week, but wanted to leave the two of them alone to their one on one time for one, and for two, I was working crazy OT all week, and was getting home past his bedtime at 9pm. Three the reason being, how much am I going to interact with a one year old? In the past I have checked in with him every night so when I was traveling and was away. She also accused me of hanging up on her because "she knows" that when after 5 rings, a phone goes to VM and she calls back, no rings it goes right to VM. That is her "indicator" that I am intentionally hanging up on her...lol.. All phones go straight to VM if you attempt to immediately call back once the initial VM call response picks up. I explain this to her. I also then explain that I couldn't pick up her call last night because there were cops all over the road, and i didn't want to get caught driving and talking on the phone because of the phone backlight. It is also a safety hazard. She received a text that we were alright. That's enough.
So we get that whole issue of our reasoning and feelings settled and then it goes into the house sale talk. I let her bring up her visitation to the mediator last week. (Since I already know.) She gives me phamplets and stuff, and she mentions to me of my legal and custodial concern to the L and how even the L said to her that for those custodial reasons its not a good idea for me to leave the home for that reason. I do think she has the intention of retaining a mediator because of the house in the division of assets, but she doesn't have the money for a retainer fee at the time which is $4,000.
She then proceeded to explain to me that she currently has a refinancing option on the table for the house. I asked her to send me an e-mail of all proposals and everything document and writing because it's a lot for me to process and just having a conversation about it and I want to make an informed decision. That just discussing it with her doesn't allow me to see the options and hard numbers and whatnot. I said it would be preferable if we sit down and review everything in writing because of our communication issues, and her ever-changing intentions on what she wants to do with the house. She also mentioned in passing lately the tension between us around the house has been very quiet and awkward. I just simply let her know that I was just giving her her space, and the choice of that silence and tension, that she has been the creator of it because of her wanting to separate. That she is the initiator of it all. She didn't seem to mind it being this way other than having some polite and friendly conversation for the last 6 months.
She then proceeded to go out again Sun. at 12pm all dressed up in summer clothes new makeup and perfume, and returns at 7 p.m with fresh lipstick on. not that it really matters who I really care I'm just observing this but she's also been going places with a bathing suit lately. I know her friends and most of their schedules, living habits Etc. So something isn't adding up there not that I should care but just observing. It could be something, that could be nothing she might just be GALing. None of this stuff should even be important to this board form but I figured I'd mention it because I've noticed behavioral changes in some appearance habits and her constantly going out of the house without any notice of where she's going not that I care again.
So this is where the story gets even more interesting coming back around to the refinancing of the house and her wanting me out by August. She is under pressure to have me make a decision by this Friday. That's really not enough time for me to weigh this in and make a clear and concise decision on what I want to do as well as I still have to set up an appointment with the lawyer to find out all my options. She's also apparently putting together a budget schedules for RV traveling in the near future. Where I am going with this is I have concerns of not only being away from S1 but also her lifestyle and how it's going to affect me financially when it comes down to child support and Interstate travel. I'm not one to tell someone how to live and where to take their space but I'm not going to be financing part Nomad fantasies and passions as a single mom, and I'm not comfortable with going on longer than a week of seeing our son. I don't know if she has any intention of quitting her well paying job by the end of this year?
Where this gets really interesting is because my MIL start chemo today and my FIL is going to be put into a VA Hospital. W now wants to work with me in finding suitable child care. My younger BIL. Who is recently divorced wants to move back home here from Pittsburgh to be around family. He's the one that's doing work around my house without my authorization but on hers. The kicker is now my W wants to potentially move him into the basement, and have him paid shared costs in mortgage through rent.
It is still her intention to put the house in the market eventually and buy me out. For all I know that could change in a heartbeat. She has moved most of her stuff into storage already, and I haven't even begun to pack. It's really difficult for me to make any decisions in such a quick timeframe and how I could be losing or benefiting from it, and could really use everyone opinions on how some of these options could affect me. To make all these huge life decisions by this Fri. Is not enough time for me, and a lot of pressure. BIL is now ironically dating friend of SIL who he never could stand. I'm concerned about people coming and going around S1 in house, when and if I leave after potential buy out with W and BIL.
This is email I got from her yesterday.
Here's a breakdown of refinance options that I'd like to decide on by Friday, 7/19/19:
Option 1: -W will refinance independently and cash out/ buy out H. Price of buyout will be based on value that home is appraised at. This amount will be determined after joint debts are paid from refinance of house. For Example, if $7k is still owed for Joint loan from H consolidated debts, that amount would be deducted from buyout amount. -H will move out and find his own housing by the end of August * Possible rental income from BIL
Option 2: -Refinance together, consolidate debt. -Monthly expenses would be approximately $1200/each per month, not including utilities. If BIL rents basement, that would be additional money off each of our expenses for mortgage and utilities, approximately $350/each less per month. -Continue living together until next Spring (Feb.) when house is listed for sale * Possible rental income from BIL
Option 3: W Refinances on her own and consolidates debt. H will remove name from property title with a legal agreement that W will assume joint debts, and provide a cash buyout once the house is sold. Early advance partial payment of cash buyout to assist H's move out of house H will move out.
This is getting so discombobulated that I need to act fast. Not that I care what she does. But I need to make an informed decision. I'm so done with this stupidity. On one hand I just don't want to remain miserable in this house with her wild and whacky ideas anymore. On the other, I don't just want to give everything over in a quick deal just to simplify my life again.
I don’t have experience with the house situation, so I will let others weigh in there.
As for Saturday night, I wouldn’t call your wife’s behavior “badgering.”
You were out exceptionally late for S1, she didn’t know where you were, so she texted you at 12:30 AM.
You said you were close to home, but an hour later you weren’t home so she tried locating you through GPS. Her behavior is all well within normal behavior for a parent.
For the sake of your son, I hope you can move past the tit-for-tat behavior.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
