I am new here and would like to say that the advice I have read here is really positive and motivating me to keep going.
My partner of 14 yrs (we have 3 kids) has said that we are over. He said this 4 weeks ago but is continuing to stay at home, yet searching for houses. No real reason given, just says we have run our course - although we were due to marry this year and even in April he couldn't wait to marry. I have wondered if there is an affair but he suffers from PTSD also.
Initially I did all the wrong things, crying, texts, emails, shouting, accusing him of infidelity, making it all about me etc etc and I have pushed him further and further away from me. I have also done things I am not proud of, such as cutting a tear in his new jeans out of frustration. (No excuse)
I have started the process of LRT last week and started to feel more positive but every time he wants to talk about moving out, custody of the kids, and even asked me to help fill in a form for housing I become unstuck. I don't know what to say and I do these irrational things out of frustration so then feel like I'm back at square one. Also, he seems to have noticed that I have been carrying on as normal and happy, taking new hobbies but said it is p***ing him off!? I think because I haven't been sat around crying.
Any advice with what I should say in conversations regarding the future and our relationship would be greatly appreciated. Also, I cut the jeans last night after finding he had hidden them. He has taken them for a night out and I feel like the worst person alive. (I know I need to work on my own issues here). Should I own up?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I’m sorry you’re in a situation that has led you here, but in my opinion, this is the place to be when you are in this situation, if that makes sense. This forum has been a lifeline to me and kept me sane in these past months. There are so many experienced and wise people here who are always ready to help and guide you.
Don’t be too upset about setbacks, we all make mistakes, don’t dwell on them. Just try to keep on working on yourself. What I’ve understood is that the partners might get angry at first when you start GAL and changing. Especially if they see you acting happy and normal. I think it’s because they’re so unhappy and can’t understand why you are so happy in this situation.
If he wants to talk about the future, you should listen to him, let him do the talking. Don’t argue, cry or get upset. Don’t encourage him either. Validate his feelings, but mostly let him talk. I wouldn’t help him with any of the forms or legalities. What I’ve been told is to let him do all the heavy lifting.
I don’t know what to say about the jeans, I personally wouldn’t go and own up to it unless he asks about them but if he does ask, tell him the truth and apologize.
Read thru the links Cadet gave you and work on yourself. You are the only person you can work on.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
Do not help him with any forms..Let him do all the heavy lifting on his own if he wants to talk..just listen nod and validate his point of view share your feelings with a therapist friend or here interesting that he gets upset if your happy- He may want you to stay put as a back up plan
about the jeans: I would not say anything and forgive yourself- This is an extremely tough situation and all of us have reacted at some point
One time MY XH affair partners sun glasses were in his truck and the door was open You can guess where the glasses went-
now for the solution-
focus on you and the kids If he is in MLC this will take a long time you have to work on healing you and raise your kids find new hobbies, new friends, exercise, yoga, mediation,get rest, cry when you need to not around him, journel, read,take up dancing whatever you can do Its hard with 3 kids but I used to do Yoga at the house and mediation, playing an instrument ect... its also good for the kids to see your life is full of interesting hobbies and friends-church temple or whatever spiritual you believe in
the MLCer usually becomes more irresponsible and is not a good parent as tome goes on- watch the finances --they can also spend a lot they revert to a carefree stage of life that was not completed or unresolved in some way-
you may notice, new clothes, new hobbies, cars, toys, new friends, tattoos, hair changes, losing weight In MLC, there is nothing we can do to change them or fix them It is about fixing ourselves and letting them go
sorry-I know that is not what you want to hear
we are here for you and have all traveled the bumpy path but I can promise you if you stick with your greoth and ealing you will find yourself in a better place and happy again in time
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for all your advice, it is greatly appreciated. And big thank you for the links Cadet, I have started on reading those.
I think I am finding it hard because he still comes home and sleeps beside me. He has occasionally pulled me close and cuddled me which has given me mixed signals too.
For us its started off as something I could have had under control but emotions got the better of me, which is now we are where we are.
I think with the jeans situation I was frustrated at the fact he has never bought new clothes in 14 years and now all of a sudden he has a new wardrobe. Still no excuse on my part.
We are also taking our children to Florida at the end of the month, something which will be difficult but I shall remain upbeat and focus on me and the children.
I just hope that I am not too late in realising my mistakes and I have a shot at turning this all around by working on and fixing myself.
I know how hard it is the MLcer is very confused and will give us mixed messages They are not sure what they want--all they know is they are unhappy and think that a new start can fix that but of course happiness is within not on the outside-
Nothing you did could have stopped this if its true MLC- they are a time bomb
yes it good to see what mistakes we made in the M- change all we can grieve, share our pain with a therapist and watch the MLCer to see what direction he goes- You will know more later
and yes the florida trip may be difficult Try to have fun and let the problems stay at home for now try to live with the uncertainty of it all-
and take the best care of you right now there are many u tube videos..on marriage, relationship advice, spiritual Joel Olsteen is very good an d uplifting, Tony Robbins all of these can be helpful in learning new behaviors, developing a positive outlook and creating a new life- hang in it will get easier
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi K84. I believe my H is in MLC too. I've got a d3.
Reading articles on MLC has helped me along so far. (BD was March: H away at sea/work until Nov).
I've wondered about the "art of conversation" as well, when H decides to talk.
Do you wish to R? Taking care of your kids & yourself are definitely your priority. Sometimes I tell myself H is sick (like maybe an addict) & going through a challenging time that only they can figure out/fix. It's got to be hard with him next to you. (H slept on the sofa for almost a month before going out to sea).
What do you want from this?
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Thanks for your reply. It's so hard isn't it. I really want to make us work, but realise that I can't control/fix anything so am focusing on myself and the kids.I believe him to be suffering from depression and has said that his father died unhappy and he doesn't want to? But we have been so happy and now he can only see the negative.
It's been quite a shock. We have had a lot of changes in 18 months. Father-In-Law passed, both H and I got new full time jobs and so relationship has taken a hit. I had previously always worked from home so had time/energy for everyone. The relationship has been neglected in 18 months and I see that but now he isn't interested and I can't suddenly put the effort in. This seems to be the biggest issue which has led to this. Knowing how to play it is tough. I'm unsure if there is another woman but I would say my gut says so. I've put those thoughts into a box, no snooping etc because that for me is a sideline issue.
He asked me to help fill some housing forms in last night and when I declined his monster came out. In the end I gave him some info. It seems that the more I am GAL and doing 180s the more he is bringing up discussing the relationship and trying to start arguments. I find it hard to know what to say so have started saying nothing but that gets him more angry. He keeps asking lots of questions as to what I'm doing etc and I answer them warmly but not overly enthusiastic.
sending you strength and love, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through all this.
I have been sticking to LRT for the past 3 weeks and GAL. I have taken up hobbies that I used to do before we had children, and have gone back to dance. H has shown an interest in what I am doing and has asked lots of questions. I have answered warmly but not enthusiastically. We have also watched tv in the same room which hasn’t happened for months. He also made a few excuses to touch me after dance class.
The next day however he was moody and withdrawn, trying to pick an argument. I haven’t changed my behaviour towards him and am continuing with LRT and 180s.
I have wondered whether he is trying to put me in the friends category or whether I am making tiny progress.
Also, I am pretty certain now that there is ow. I have no concrete evidence and have resisted snooping but if he is, should it be confronted in order to deal with it or do I carry on with me as I have been doing, showing him I am making a life on my own with the children.
If your h is in a MLC, he will think of the relationship that he has w/you very differently. To them, friendship means something totally different than we would think of it. In my opinion, friendship to them means alleviating their guilt and shame of what they have done and continue to do to us as well as if they appear friendly to us, we will be less likely to say no when they want something.
As for him being warm and friendly to you, it could have been a test to see if you will revert back to your old self and he liked what he saw in the way that you've started to do move forward and do things. As for being moody and withdrawn the next day...this is very typical of them because they realize that they still have warm and fuzzy feelings for us and they do not want to have those feelings. Why? Because, in their minds, we are the reason that they are so unhappy.
His behavior can be looked at as the distancer/pursuer dance. Trying to pick arguments is his way of trying to justify why he's doing what he is. You didn't take the bait and continued as you have been. Don't stop...keep moving forward and living your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
