Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it.
Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?" Beta guy "Sure"
That guy is not making her work for it.
Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?" Single me: "Absolutely...After you buy me one." Her response: "I like your style"
This is just a simple example. She has to work for me.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So in your case, hold your cards, close (IE listen a lot and talk little).
You had sex with her. Do not attach any meaning to it.
Make her work for it is bigger than buying drinks or sex, but we can start with that. We can compartmentalize.
IF SHE BRINGS UP your encounter.....
Let her know that you expect more in bed. Ask her to do some research in an area that YOU are interested in. Definitely make it something close to one of her boundaries. Pay attention to how she responds.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it. I just want to make sure I have the right idea about this. Is me keeping my distance/not pursuing enough? Or is there more here?
Mainly what I mean is don't just throw the door open and let her back in too easily. There were issues that caused the breakdown in the first place and you've got to make sure you have the tools in place to deal with those issues when they come up again, because they WILL come up again. Those tools should come in the form of marriage or relationship counseling before you go too far down this road. If she's not willing then that should be a red flag to you.
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out of the blue she said "Are you sure that you are changing? I am afraid we will end up like we were before" I responded "I wonder the same about you, only time will tell". She said yes you are right and sent me a kiss emoji.
Yes you should both be concerned about falling into old habits. Again that's why we're saying take it slow, and consider some counseling.
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I may be paranoid, but I am starting to suspect something and could use your opinions. Is she only interested in me for sex?
It doesn't really sound like it but it's possible I suppose.
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I just want to know where this is going.
Ask her. In DB'ing we say no R talks, but in piecing you've got to have R talks. Open and clear communication is your only path forward. Remember to listen and validate, but do share your feelings with her as well.
This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
Sandi posted this to you. She is the wisest person posting to you.
AMEN!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Js, I hope you listen to these guys. I just have a suspicion she is rushing back into this and it's sending up some big red flags when I read your writing. I can tell you are feeling relieved she is back and perhaps eager for this to work out. You really love her. It is fine to have high hopes! I think it's what you DO (actions) right now that matters more than your feelings of hope and wanting it to work. Head above heart!!! Make decisions based on logic and reason and not based on emotions right now -- this is a very different scenario than when you first met her and started dating. There is history that cannot be ignored.
I do believe that people can change. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe that and I also would not have taken my own H back 4 years ago after his BS. However, the best way to predict someones future behavior is based on their past behaviors. It is really all we do have to go by. So my advice to you would be to not reengage in a relationship with her until she has demonstrated to you that she has changed and done some self growth and healing. The same goes for you. If not, what happens in a few weeks or months when you fall into old habits? The honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter when the same couple reconnects. Also, there are children involved here and it would not be fair for them to be affected again.
How can you start over with her? I don't mean start over dating her or reconciling with her -- I mean can you rewind the clock and just assess her genuine interest in this and how she has changed? There are reasons it ended in D the first time and you guys missing each other is not enough for it to work. You both will need to understand those reasons and be willing to compromise and make changes -- it is really, really hard stuff! She has already demonsrrated to you that when things get hard, she gives up. .... The slower you can move now -- and continue to focus on yourself and your changes-- the better. It give you a better shot at this actually working long term and it also prepares you for handling it if it doesn't work out. You are setting the stage now for how you expect to be treated by her moving forward ....
I think we all smell smoke here and just don't want to see you get burned again ....
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Most people that start here at BD and have there X come back, have went through some major person growth by that time. We do not really know how much you have changed.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hello everyone, I know its been a few weeks (couldn't remember my password) but I wanted to give an update about whats been going on with my sitch. I have not read the divorce remedy yet but I am going to order it tonight.
We had been seeing each other about once or twice a week, and actually spent all day July 4th together with the kids. It was great. I felt that things were going well. We had some R talks and she said she felt great about everything and she felt comfortable around me and she was happy. Up until the day after July 4th, everything was fine. On July 5th (Friday), in the morning we talked briefly, and she was preparing for a camping trip with her sisters. I know there is no service out there so I expected not to hear from her. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, nothing. Tuesday morning I sent her a good morning text and she said "can i call you?" So I said sure.
She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together. She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work. On the phone, I was confident and said sure I understand but I'm curious as to what made you change your mind so quick? And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that. I told her I understood but I had to hang up and get back to work.
She started texting me, instigating me and it worked, and I told her I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again. (her last comment on the phone pissed me off and i went off on her after i was instigated, I know this was wrong and didn't help but I was hurt.) She said she still loves me but maybe needs more time. I stopped responding and that was it. (this was yesterday)
Tonight she texted me and asked how I was. She asked if she could come over tonight to talk but I told her I was busy and maybe tomorrow, I'd let her know. She asked me what I thought, and I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me. She said "Do you think you will be okay with that? I don't want you to say later on that I'm playing with you." I said yeah thats what I would prefer, just to keep my feelings out of it. Then there was some sexual flirting between us and then some small talk and that was it.
Anyway, I know I made quite a few mistakes here. And I guess now we are just FWB. I really would like this to work out, and be something serious. But this rollercoaster ride is painful and scary for me. I tried to keep her at arms length as long as I could but when she hit me with that yesterday it really hurt, and it proves that I can't trust her to be serious about this.
I am at a loss about how to continue to get back how we were before the convos with her sisters. I can put myself in her shoes and imagine her sister's all weekend telling her what a bad idea it is, and it changed her mind. Do you all think she will cool off and when we spend time together as friends she will warm up to the idea? I guess all hope isn't lost since she still wants to see me. But we both agreed to only be FWB so I don't know if I killed any hope of more then that Thank you all for any advice you can give!
Yes, I have some advice for you. First, order Divorce Remedy and then read the book. Second, while you are waiting for the book, read all of the links in Cadets welcome message. If you already read them, still read them again. Third, read Sandi's rules daily and actually follow them. If you don't understand why they apply to you, then just wait until after you have read the book and then ask your follow up questions. Fourth, go back and read the advice we have already given you. It doesn't appear you read our posts prior to today, so by reading them and acknowledging them, you increase your chances that people will continue to want to support you. Lastly, and most importantly, read other people's situations and try and offer them some advice and support too. Often in life we gain the most knowledge by teaching or helping others. It is also very rewarding to be a part of the community in general and why many of us stuck around. Best of luck!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you all for any advice you can give!