So S school is closed for the week, therefore W has the week off. W agreed to watch S so I could work, so I had 2 interactions: pickup and drop off.
Drop off I went to Ws apartment door. She opened the door. I did not go in as I am trying to make our interactions shorter per LHs advice. She said come in, I didn’t. She then said “dumb” in regards to me not coming inside. I replied “I don’t have time I need to work”. She then said “you don’t want to come in and talk?” To which i said “no I gotta go” and left.
Pick up. She opened the door and asked me to come in because she was changing S diaper. Her mom was there and I had some brief friendly small talk with her. W mimicked something I said in a dumb voice. I replied “drop the attitude.” After this I pretty much grabbed my S and started out the door. She tried to talk to me as I was leaving to which I replied briefly because I have places to go things to do. As I was walking out the door she said, “you’re being weird. Why are you being so short with me?”. I shortly replied “I’m not.” And left.
She tries to drag me up conversations and to get me to hang around talking. She also uses S a lot as a reason for contact. Working on reducing the amount of time spent talking to her as I was advised.
After some of her rudeness and disrespect I had a thought. For the first time i had the thought “I don’t want a relationship with this person”. I get that I did things wrong in the R, but nothing significant enough to deserve this much resentment and disrespect. I loved my W when she was a caring, thoughtful and morally right person. I do not love the person she is right now. Will my old W every return? I don’t know. But if she doesn’t return, I don’t want an R with the person she had become. I had the urge to tell her that “I don’t even recognize who you’ve become”. But obviously didn’t. Thanks all.
After some of her rudeness and disrespect I had a thought. For the first time i had the thought “I don’t want a relationship with this person”. I get that I did things wrong in the R, but nothing significant enough to deserve this much resentment and disrespect. I loved my W when she was a caring, thoughtful and morally right person. I do not love the person she is right now. Will my old W every return? I don’t know. But if she doesn’t return, I don’t want an R with the person she had become. I had the urge to tell her that “I don’t even recognize who you’ve become”. But obviously didn’t. Thanks all.
I feel the exact same way about my W. She is so selfish and self-centered now. She isn't even putting the kids above herself. This is not the woman I know. She is acting like a rebellious teenager. I pray that she comes through this crisis.
Feel your pain destroyd. If they don’t get through it I think we’re better off without them.
Just wanted to document a strange interaction today when W came over to pick up S. She typically just waits in the car and texts me asking to bring S out. But today she parked and came to the door. She came inside and said hi to the dogs which was very strange because multiple times after BD she expressed how much she hates our dogs, one of which was her idea to get. She also said “I was at the store and thought of you so I got you this drink”. This was something she did frequently when our R was good but that stopped around BD. She made some comments about how the house looks like a frat house now with a bunch of jerseys and other sports things on the wall. I got a good laugh out of this. We chatted for a few and it was pretty pleasant without any disrespect. I then loaded our S into her car. As I was walking away she said “please be safe tonight and don’t drink and drive”. This is the first time since BD that I feel she has expressed concern for me.
I’m not reading into it and not believing anything she said, but it was strange. She did and said things that she did when our R was good. Maybe this is her just throwing me breadcrumbs. Maybe it was her pursuing after my brief businesslike visit with her yesterday. Only time will tell. Weird day though forsure. Thanks all.
Venting: a couple of mutual friends went out for drinks with W last night. Girl mutual friend who is closer with W than me was apparently talking shyt about me and many of my other close friends. I thought she was a very genuine person and she regularly invites me out when I don’t have Son so I was really surprised to hear she was bad mouthing me and my friends. Think I’ll be pretty straight up with her next time she invites me out that I don’t respect her anymore.
Other mutual friend is closer with me and filled me in on what was said. W was also grilling mutual friend on my activities and what I’ve been doing. Mutual friend said my W was basically “manipulating” information out of her. Also W had son but it seems that lately she just pawns my son off with her mom so she can go out drinking. Makes me pretty annoyed but what can you expect from a WW.
Other than that I’ve had a good weekend. A new group of friends were doing karaoke and invited me out. Went and actually sang haha which is pretty far out of my comfort zone but really trying to be more outgoing and do things I previously wouldn’t. Really enjoyed it and even made a few new friends. So yeah GAL is going well and I’m feeling pretty detached lately. Will stay the course.
Side story, got to talking with a teammate I didn’t know very well. Turns out he had a WW who had an affair. Although his time line was far shorter than mine, damn it sounded so similar.
My question is this, I am at a point where I want to tell my W/ExW: do not contact me unless there is an emergency with S. Although I didn’t find evidence of EA, there were many red flags. Changing phone password, taking phone to restroom, grooming down south daily all of a sudden.
Is this an acceptable thing to do? Although I don’t have proof, it is likely, and I will have no respect for her if so. Is saying something like this counterintuitive to DB?
Thanks
Edit: I have come up with a list of what it would take for me to take her back, obviously I’m far from that but made a list anyway:
1. MC 2. MIL cannot live with us again 3. Full transparency 4. IC for her or an equivalent that helps deal with immense baggage: self harm, anxiety, codependency, controlling behavior, depression, father not present, Mother alcoholic enabler.
Hallzy, ACTION not WORDS. Don't tell her anything. Just act.
When she calls, don't answer. If it is an emergency she will leave a message that you can check,.
If she texts, don't respond. If it is a direct question, that you feel you must answer, short answers. Direct to point. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. If it is a direct question that you don't have to respond to: "How are you?", just ignore it.
I like your list. However it is NOT in the correct order:
1. IC for her or an equivalent that helps deal with immense baggage: self harm, anxiety, codependency, controlling behavior, depression, father not present, Mother alcoholic enabler. 2. MIL cannot live with us again 3. MC 4. Full transparency
Make #1 a requirement before you would EVEN consider taking her back. She has work to do on herself.......make her do the work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the reply Steve, You got it! I feel that I’m at a point where I really want to step back. Yes I hope my family will be together one day but I’m at a point where I need to step back as far as possible. Thank you!
Hey all, everything’s going well not much to report. GAL is going great, lots of new friends and out of the house almost everyday. Getting to a good place emotionally.
Been doing well with LRT, W has been calling much more recently instead of texting. I typically don’t answer now. She will then text if I don’t answer. Typically it’s unimportant things.
So as my S goes to the school my W works at, his tuition comes directly out of her paycheck. I sent her boss an email a few days ago asking for a receipt of the tuition as I am paying for some of it and want to see the actual numbers. Her boss told my W I had asked before she replied to my email. When I saw W during pickup the other day she started a conversation asking why I wanted that information.
I replied that since I was paying for some of the tuition I wanted to see where my money was going. She then starting asking, “have you talked to your lawyer? That sounds like you are getting ready to file. Are you going to file? Why do you want the receipt?”, and so on. I kept it short but said that I wanted it for my records as I am paying for some of it. She then asked again “are you going to file?”. I replied “you keep asking that. If that’s what you want to do, go ahead.” Then I ended conversation that, “I have to get going”.
She seemed very concerned that I was filing which was odd. So anyway my question is, how should I be responding to this question? Since she moved out almost 2 months ago now, she has asked if I am filing probably 6 or 7 separate times. Typically I respond “if that’s what you want do it”, or “I haven’t thought much about it”. I almost feel like this is a form of a temp check or something. Advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Reply with "I haven't decided yet." but still prepare for it anyway. Give no absolutes of your motives or intentions. Your lawyer is your business not hers until they get together and hammer out a deal for dissolution and equitible split. Don't even acknowledge the lawyer questions or are you going to file questions. Just say I haven't decided yet and ask for the receipts anyway for your record-keeping since you are paying for half of it. She probably is temp checking because she's unprepared to file unless she has already seen a lawyer and retained them.
