So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

You sound great. Detached and clearheaded. Well done!

I think you did really well with his revealing of his job offer. And him not even telling OW, yeah that’s just not going to end well at all. Good thing you are out of that mess.

I like the fact you encouraged him with taking the job. It takes any concern or worry he might try to conjure right out of the picture - keeps this firmly upon him. You demonstrated you can look after yourself, showed a fearless side of you, and some really inner strength. I am proud of you.

As you continue, remember - you found this moment, this strength - it might slip and be regained a few times - it will become permanent.

DnJ

[Nyla79]

DnJ, this is what I had written:

I’m back home now have been here for three days. It has felt both good and bad. Now that I’m back in our home, my husband is taking up all the space in my brain. I think about him and the OW constantly. I don’t know why, I almost feel like I’ve gone back a few steps again.

I think it might be the meeting on Sunday when he told me (when we talked about work) that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, that maybe I should have tried to get him to talk more, maybe he meant that he’s unhappy about this situation, maybe he regrets leaving, maybe this, maybe that. It’s driving me crazy.

And at the same time, I’m so angry with him. I’m angry that he just packed up and left and angry that he’s hurting the kids and angry that he broke his vows and all his promises. How do I get past this again, and why does this feeling come back?

And when I came here to post it and read your reply again, it did give me strength. I hope to get to the point where that feeling will become permanent, this is getting too tiresome.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

You are doing wonderfully. We have to backslide to move forward. One needs to process the new info and keep sorting out and all the rest. It is the path to acceptance.

Your H and OW on your mind: He blamed you with his “you should have tried more”, blah blah. Do not take on his blaming. All those maybes - maybe he should have tried more. No maybe about it.

I’ve got more to say (imagine that) and miles to drive. Take care of you and kids. You are on a good path. Will talk again soon.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

Nyla,

Hi

It makes sense that you might feel more unsure after the conversation with H
What idid this or that mean?
many of them will give crossed messages

I believe they are unsure and will go back and forth in their minds with Are they doing the right thing-

They also may want to keep us as a back up plan-

But I also believe if it is MLC they get pulled in that direction of destructive behavior, addictions chaos, OW
because to come back to the R would mean self reflection, inner child work,pain, work therapy ect... and many a MLCer will never go in that direction-

So My thinking here is until he comes to you with a solid agreement that he wants to get help and make the M work-
I would continue as you are..letting go- being there for the kids- let him sit with his not knowing-


You pain and anger is valid and it is needed and part of the healing process-for you
talk to a therapist so you can get the support needed here for you to grieve

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

I agree with peacetoday. Until H comes to you with a solid plan and resolve to make M work, drop the rope and work on letting go. I wouldn’t worry too much about the statistics of reconciliation - healing yourself is needed no matter which way this situation goes. And his path is out of your hands.

That is the real point isn’t it. His choices. You cannot reach, influence, or talk any sense into him. He will question, justify, go back to being sure, and cycle back to unsure, and so on... Leave him to it.

Focus on you, your path, and your choices.

The backslides are painful and needed. No worries. You are doing fine.

Now that I’m back in our home, my husband is taking up all the space in my brain.

Homes do have a lot of memories contained within. Of course it does stir things up a bit.

How about: Our house. My home.

There is a distinction in that. It’s accurate. It helps.

Your home, your good memories - embrace them. And make more. (((Nyla)))

Keep working through the anger. Acknowledge it, accept it, don’t feed it. It comes and goes.

How to get through the anger, how to get to those more permanent feelings?

What are you headings? Your goals? We’ve talked about them before, just reminding. You can state again if you wish; I liked to read them.

All these small steps are leading to those goals, to that destination. Have faith, all you are going through has a purpose. Keep that in your mind and heart, this does get better.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Nyla my darling girl, you started posting here in May. That was a few months ago. Do you think you are Superwoman?

I am in year seven. I think about H less now. Year seven, my dear.

You have a heart made to love. You can't turn it off like a hose at your summer house.

Go read my previous post about the box. Keep putting your feelings in their and water it with tears and watch flowers grow.

Grieve, my friend. Daily. That's real.

H's feelings for OW are not real. It's addiction, lust, confusion. Of course he is confused.

But don't say a word. Hold it in and get that breezy feeling on your face until he leaves. Then scream into a pillow. Not to repress but to let him get to the rock bottom on his own.

It might take a while.

And by a while I mean a couple of years.

Just be your beautiful self and try not to let him see your pain.

But let yourself see your pain. It's a burden to carry, don't pretend it's not there or think you are on some kind of superhuman timetable of detachment. You know who is on a superhuman timetable of detachment? THE MLCer!!!! They do it all fast and furious and marvel at how happy they are in their new lives. And then they spiral. It's going to happen at some point, the only question is when. I assure you that the new girl does not make a home like yours or provide any of what H really needs. Just let that happen and the break-up will never appear as your idea, but only as his, when it gets to that point. I am not saying it will happen this year or next. And maybe it will take years. I am just saying it will happen. Even if it weren't MLC but just statistically.

I don't agree with those here who say he has to be perfectly ready to work on the marriage to return. But I am not sure we can put that kind of condition on a return of a broken spouse. I think of Gordie on this one.

I don't know how you can carry your burden without God but maybe through the love of your friends here, you can unload some of that burden on our shoulders, which is really the same thing.

I still owe your D a letter and hopefully will do that in the next few days.

[Nyla79]

DnJ, I love that you have so many things to say. And what you said about our house, my home. This is exactly what I have tried to start thinking. Instead of talking about our bedroom, it is now my bedroom etc. Not feeding the anger at times is hard, I catch myself doing it. Now I practice thinking about a big red STOP sign when my I realize I’m thinking about unnecessary things.


I will work on my headings this week and share them with you guys. I also need to read DR again, last time I read it so fast, I feel like nothing really stuck.

Peacetoday, I’m afraid you’re right about MLC’ers not wanting to look inside, I definitely worry that my husbands ego will not allow it. He has never been good in admitting fault in his actions.


Gerda <3 I guess I’m a bit impatient when it comes to all this. I would want to be healed and whole now, not one day in the future. I have never dealt with a trauma before. I was 16 when my parents got divorced and I don’t feel that was so traumatic, their marriage was horrible years before that. So other than that, my life has been very easy. Which I’m so grateful for. All my grandparents are still with us.

I sometimes think if my life has been too happy, and that’s why I was dealt with such horrible cards now, to balance it out. I think I have suppressed my grieving a bit. Now I try to let it through a little bit at a time, I let it out, and then put it away so I can function.

I have thought about going back to church. We did go to church before, but had bad experiences from it and I know it shouldn’t but it kind of caused me to turn away from God. And now I feel that it would be hypocritical to try to find Him again, just because I need Him. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

Past few days it’s been ok, a content period I would say. I take care of the kids and the house and myself. And there’s plenty of work in that. I do sometimes get annoyed at my husband for leaving. Thinking what an easy life he must have with the OW. They just work and then shop groceries for two, clean for themselves and do laundry for themselves, all in a small apartment, whereas I’m here taking care of this big house, and a pool that got algae in it now after my trip, not to even mention the amount of laundry and cleaning I do after the kids…
Oh well, this is my life now, and if I had to choose, I would choose life with these little rascals anytime, over anything else.

My husband has been in touch with me everyday since I came back from my hometown. Most of it just unnecessary, it’s been very weird. On Sunday we had an exchange when he asked if he could spend the day with the kids. At that point we already had plans in action, so I told him not today. He was fine about it. Then he asked me if I wanted him to bring me an AC unit? (It’s so hot and our house doesn’t have AC) I thanked him and he promised to bring it later.

D12 was with her friends so I thought to ask H if he could pick her up on his way to my house, she needed to be picked up at 6.30 pm.

Our texts:

Me: We’re home now, I called to see if you could please pick D12 up from the beach at 18.30 and bring her home?

H: I don’t think I can make that

H: Is that ok

H: Or do you need me to get her?

Me: No it’s ok

H: Do you need me to get her

Me. No it’s ok, I’ll go &#128522;

H: I would have to run as I’m about 20 minutes from home.

H: So you get her then?

Me: Yes I will, please send me a message before you bring S10s stuff

H: Yes of course I will, say in one hour

H: I’ll bring the AC too?

Me: Yes please

Why did he keep on asking if I needed him to get her when I already said I could do it. I felt he was worried i was going to be upset if he didn't get her. I don't know.

Then when he came, he lingered a bit, tried to make eye contact the whole time, and was very much like his old self. He gave me cash that we had agreed that he still needed to give for this month.
After he left he continued texting.


H: Sorry about the cash, but I couldn’t transfer from my account as it was too close to zero

Me. Don’t worry about it. Are you going to be ok?

H: I’ll sort myself out, don’t worry.

H: Did you get the AC going?

Me: Yes! We all stood in front of it for the longest time

H: Don’t worry about the water that comes out just put a towel down.

Then I stopped replying.

So this was one of the longest text conversations we’ve had since the BD and all this he already told me when he was here, so it felt like he was just trying to force conversation. I know better than try to make anything out of this, but it is soooooo hard not to get my hopes up.

I mean what is wrong with me, on one hand I feel detached and at times even happy in my own life and then all the sudden I’m in the whirlwind again, I see his eyes looking at me and I’m done... I still love him so much. Sighs…

Please someone talk some sense into me, like you guys always do <3 <3 <3

[peacetoday]

Nyla

I would notice his behavior but try not to get it too much in your head-

A DB coach once said to me if something you are doing is bringing him closer(detaching) then continue
if it pushes him away then try something else

Whatever you are doing( letting go) may seem attractive to him

Your showing yourself and he sees it --that you are a strong confident woman
who will move on
so as you continue on your healing journey..be polite with your limits and continue

Nothing you say or do can really snap him awake if he is in MLC
BUt a confident person is very attractive

He can also see that he is probably still not happy but he cant figure it all out
in the beginning many MLCer will linger a while before they get pulled out to sea-

all you can do is watch and wait and heal yourself and your children as you let him g0

I know it is hard-you are doing great

((((Hugs))))

[Westo]

Hi Nyla,

The first few months when my H first left I would read over his emails a hundred times, picking them apart thinking does this mean that and that mean this?

I was reading far too much into his messages and to be honest, wasted too much of my time doing so.

It’s exhausting. I agree with Peace, continue as you are. It’s so much more attractive than pursuing.

Allow him to carry on with his journey while you get on with your life. His relationship with OW has to run its course and I personally believe will run it’s course quicker now they are living together, rather than the excitement of ‘courting’.

No one knows what’s going on in his head, even he doesn’t.

Dig deeper, you are doing great.

[Nyla79]

I’m coming for advice again.

I don’t remember if I had told you earlier that I had suggested to my husband that we come up with a schedule when he would spend the days with the kids. Because they all refuse to go to his house now that he lives with the OW. I’ve been a bit annoyed about his going about this, only calling at the last minute and only when it suits him.

This was my email to him:

"One more question, would you like to talk about making some sort of schedule for when you spend time with the kids? I think even though they're not coming to your house or spending the nights, you could, if you wanted to, pick them up on weekends in the morning and bring them back in the evening. They would benefit from it so much and if they knew in advance that this day is a day with daddy, then the girls wouldn't make plans for it either. Just an idea. Let me know what you think."

Now my husband had replied to my email:

“Sorry I never answered you on this. Yes I would like this very much and I will soon have a empty house for a few weeks so maybe they could try to spend the night with me also?
Im very busy still tomorrow but then after that would like to look at a schedule for when i can come spend time with them.”


ARGH!!! So now that the OW is going to be gone for a few weeks, he has time for his kids and then he needs them to come and fill up his void. (This is my initial reaction)


So please, please help me with this. I don’t want to let them go there, because even if she’s not physically there, it is her home and her stuff will be there and nothing has changed.

The point is that the kids don’t approve of this relationship and that’s why they don’t want to go there. And of course, if I’m being honest, I am a bit selfish about this too. I don’t want them to be his entertainment while she’s gone. Again, I feel like he is cake eating, even though these are his kids. I don’t even want to ask the kids about this. (Should I and also, should I let them go when I know they’re not ready?)


So my proposed reply is, please give me feedback:


Hi H,

I’m glad we can try to come up with a schedule, I think it helps all parties.

At the same time, I’m sorry H, the kids don’t want to spend the night at your house because you are living together with your girlfriend, it doesn’t matter if she’s there physically or not. They feel uncomfortable when you try to bring her, or this matter up with them. Please give them time. In every other way and dates I can be flexible, but in this matter, I have to think what is best for the kids.


My schedule is quite flexible except on Friday afternoons, so just let me know when you have time and we can sit down and look at this.

Nyla