Steve85 I did drop the rope a couple of months ago, but the thing is what we focus on is what we become. When I focus on the natural and just what the world is, it builds up bitterness in me but it keeps me detached. Behavioral stuff, DB, Psychology, Legal, Self Help, IC, Rolo Tomassi, Robert Glover NMMNG, Attraction, Etc. When I focus on the spiritual. It is what keeps my mind off focus on the natural from my mind going absolutely nuts because of the compulsive thinking of all of human wisdom and nature applicable to attraction, social interaction, communication skills, etc. The spiritual side provides hope, and some detachment in a way. But when you take marriage from an unbreakable covenant with some biblical excusion for bad choices, and then you take the natural, where you just look out for yourself and leave them in the dust. It messes with your head and your heart a little.
We all think we drop the rope, and in a way we do once we get to a certain point. Until we get to the next phase of seperation. Then it starts over again until we recover and readjust, at least that is the way it is for me. I go nuts with every closer move but then I recover and I readjust. I struggle with it every day.
Limbic side is like :"F$CK HER DROP HER LIKE A BAD HABIT. You don't need this person or this limbo stress in your life anymore. The other side wants to hold my covenant. Not just for her. Oh mediator/attorney has her confirmed as of yesyerday for her. She is also trying to back charge me on some work done around the house, and other debts she pursued by her own choice, and wants for reimbursement. She doesn't know that I know yet, and hasn't said anything. I put up a FB post of me and S1 at an indoor park today, and she immediately commented on it, once again undermining my patenting skills. She commented "Why do I picture S1 rolling down falling down the obstacle he climbed up" He climbed up and down it all by himself and we had a great time. Her mind has all these irritional fears of S1 getting obducted too.
These actions really bring out the hatred in me for her. I think its time for me to stop screwing around legally. I need to L up and protect myself. I have had 10 months to prepare for this and have done nothing. (Again delusional on my part.) When I could have potentialy nailed her a$$ to the wall. Im so angry right now. I just want this either to stop, and make amends, or I want to screw her hard since she is getting colder by her actions, but not interactions, by the day. I have been feeling ike taking the initiative to legally slam dunk her for 7 months. But just can't because I still love her. Then I ask myself? I must be absolutely insane and in complete denial of what is. Based on her 10 months of crazy actions. The anger, the wanting to gain the upper hand, and the desire to wanting to make peace and stop this train wreck is tearing me apart.
This was a long way of saying.......no.
You do not drop the rope and then immediately pick it back up. That is letting go, then grabbing it, then letting go, then grabbing it again. NOT DROPPING IT.
When you drop it, you let it go and walk away. This doesn't mean you go file for divorce. I know you've struggled with the in-between state: not being all in trying to save the marriage, but not going and filing for D or moving the D forward. THERE is an in-between state, and it is calle detachment. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do not truly understand what loving detachment is. You need to focus on loving detachment...........being present, pleased, upbeat, content. Around her and not around her. IHC, you've struggled because you have throttled between to extremes. And you will continue to struggle until you find the happy medium.
Drop the rope. Walk away. Let the process work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 I did drop the rope a couple of months ago, but the thing is what we focus on is what we become. When I focus on the natural and just what the world is, it builds up bitterness in me but it keeps me detached. Behavioral stuff, DB, Psychology, Legal, Self Help, IC, Rolo Tomassi, Robert Glover NMMNG, Attraction, Etc. When I focus on the spiritual. It is what keeps my mind off focus on the natural from my mind going absolutely nuts because of the compulsive thinking of all of human wisdom and nature applicable to attraction, social interaction, communication skills, etc. The spiritual side provides hope, and some detachment in a way. But when you take marriage from an unbreakable covenant with some biblical excusion for bad choices, and then you take the natural, where you just look out for yourself and leave them in the dust. It messes with your head and your heart a little.
We all think we drop the rope, and in a way we do once we get to a certain point. Until we get to the next phase of seperation. Then it starts over again until we recover and readjust, at least that is the way it is for me. I go nuts with every closer move but then I recover and I readjust. I struggle with it every day.
Limbic side is like :"F$CK HER DROP HER LIKE A BAD HABIT. You don't need this person or this limbo stress in your life anymore. The other side wants to hold my covenant. Not just for her. Oh mediator/attorney has her confirmed as of yesyerday for her. She is also trying to back charge me on some work done around the house, and other debts she pursued by her own choice, and wants for reimbursement. She doesn't know that I know yet, and hasn't said anything. I put up a FB post of me and S1 at an indoor park today, and she immediately commented on it, once again undermining my patenting skills. She commented "Why do I picture S1 rolling down falling down the obstacle he climbed up" He climbed up and down it all by himself and we had a great time. Her mind has all these irritional fears of S1 getting obducted too.
These actions really bring out the hatred in me for her. I think its time for me to stop screwing around legally. I need to L up and protect myself. I have had 10 months to prepare for this and have done nothing. (Again delusional on my part.) When I could have potentialy nailed her a$$ to the wall. Im so angry right now. I just want this either to stop, and make amends, or I want to screw her hard since she is getting colder by her actions, but not interactions, by the day. I have been feeling ike taking the initiative to legally slam dunk her for 7 months. But just can't because I still love her. Then I ask myself? I must be absolutely insane and in complete denial of what is. Based on her 10 months of crazy actions. The anger, the wanting to gain the upper hand, and the desire to wanting to make peace and stop this train wreck is tearing me apart.
This was a long way of saying.......no.
You do not drop the rope and then immediately pick it back up. That is letting go, then grabbing it, then letting go, then grabbing it again. NOT DROPPING IT.
When you drop it, you let it go and walk away. This doesn't mean you go file for divorce. I know you've struggled with the in-between state: not being all in trying to save the marriage, but not going and filing for D or moving the D forward. THERE is an in-between state, and it is calle detachment. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do not truly understand what loving detachment is. You need to focus on loving detachment...........being present, pleased, upbeat, content. Around her and not around her. IHC, you've struggled because you have throttled between to extremes. And you will continue to struggle until you find the happy medium.
Drop the rope. Walk away. Let the process work.
Yeah I have struggled Steve85. I haven't found that balance and probably never will no matter how hard I try. I guess I'm not that in control of my emotions. Maybe better on the outside lately, but not the inside. Ill have sliver of moments where I'm experiencing contentment by focusing on Jesus as of lately. Or singinging or dancing or playing with S1. It just depends on my thoughts and experiences of the moment. I focus on everything I have learned here and elsewhere, I go cynical. I focus on the Lord, and I make him my happiness not my circumstances. I'm clearly not a person of experiencing emotional control. Executing it. im getting better at it. But internally I'm tired of being abandoned. Im tired of always losing. I'm tired of being human and making mistakes and never being forgiven for it. I'm tired of women leaving me. I'm tired of being loved only for a time, just to be discarded because I didn't meet someone else's needs. Funny? Out of 5 of my relationships, I have never been the dumper. On one hand you could say I never give up. On the other you could say I have NGS. Clearly relationship of romantic nature are about control, power, and who has it. My experience has been, I started with it, and then I lost it. WHO THE F@$! wants to live like that for 20 years and endure loss after loss after loss? Its just not worth it. They all go from praiseworthy to resentment. Just to have people tell me I have to do XYandZ to become successful at ABC. We are all strong and weak at times. Just human nature. Nobody can be a constant. Maybe this is just my reality but? Who isn't secure and insecure in themselves from time to time? That's just life. It has its ups and downs like its supposed to. Just [censored] on the down until we are back on the up again. I just wish I could sleep forever because reality right now really [censored]. Its like Groundhog's Day meets A Nightmare On Elm St. You endure it for so long that you go numb and just get used to it until one day you unconsciously break out of it.
IHC, maybe you've always looked for the wrong thing.
Between my exgf and my wife I've learned something that I wish I could go back and apply. And that is that for so long I was hung up on looking for someone I was crazy about. When in reality I should have been looking for someone that was crazy about me!! Sure they may not have been the most gorgeous woman ever, but I now in my more experienced age realize that looks are fleeting. I should have gone for one of the girls that would have given a kidney to be with me.
There is one girl in particular I often think about. She spent 7 years trying to win me over. She didn't give up until I got married. I think I would have been happy with her. I think she would have bent over backwards to make sure I was happy. But I was putting priority on the wrong things.
Maybe you've always been the dumpee because your priority was on the worst things too.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/05/1904:01 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve. All my relationships started out that way where they were crazy about me, and would do anything to be with me. Well may be except for 1 of them that lasted 6 months. All women are like chameleons in my opinion. Its their nature to impress when they find someone they like. They will do and act out anything for you in the first year or two. But then Once the honeymoon phase is over and people start seeing each others character flaws, that is where the power starts to slowly transfer. Sometimes so slow that you can't see it, and write it off as just typical mishaps that are normal. I've always accepted there's. I guess they just cannot tolerate mine. I thought my W could. Guess not. I guess my character flaws are too unbearable for most for the long term. I'm good enough to attract, but not good enough to keep. I guess I need to work on that, and in my next R if I ever have one. Keep my focus solely on me, keep my mouth shut, and evaluatecthem and the R silently, and not the other way around.
Steve. All my relationships started out that way where they were crazy about me, and would do anything to be with me. Well may be except for 1 of them that lasted 6 months. All people are like chameleons in my opinion. Its their nature to impress when they find someone they like. They will do and act out anything for you in the first year or two. But then Once the honeymoon phase is over and people start seeing each others character flaws, that is where the power starts to slowly transfer. Sometimes so slow that you can't see it, and write it off as just typical mishaps that are normal. I've always accepted there's. I guess they just cannot tolerate mine. I thought my W could. Guess not. I guess my character flaws are too unbearable for most for the long term. I'm good enough to attract, but not good enough to keep. I guess I need to work on that, and in my next R if I ever have one. Keep my focus solely on me, keep my mouth shut, and evaluatecthem and the R silently, and not the other way around.
Fixed it for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W is at the beginning phase of taking quasi legal action with mediator, house refi, is attempting to back charge me through house sale deduction for house projects and $$$ for yard clean up and landscaping that I had no say in. All these things I was going to eventually do but she took it upon herself. All actions have been verbally stated to me with her not presenting documentation yet to me on her part. Plus like Unichen's W she has this parental undermining capability, and perceives me as "scary and aggressive" and all these other irrational emotional fears for whatever reason. (She constantly tells me she's scared that our son will be abducted out in public one day.) As I mentioned in one of my previous posts she even went as far to undermine me on a Facebook post that I had a picture of myself and my son with in a ball pit park. Maybe I just took it that way and took it personally so I didn't respond to it.
She now wants me out by August and she's working to get it. Anything I disagree with her on, (According to her counciling notes that I'm not supposed to know about.) She's going to take any disagreements to a mediator, but she hasn't presented any documentation towards me. She is just verbally stating her actions moving forward. She also holds all the files in her room. So I have to eventually ask for them, without being intrusive. I haven't even made a lawyer consultation appointment yet I keep putting it off because Im hesitant to do it. Like everyone recommends here I want her to make all the moves and do all the work torwards S. But she's attempting to back charge me too for her choices and deduct it from house sale price when house does sell, as well as me being on her insurance plan despite having my own. That part I can understand. She can't list the house on the market because there's crap all over the place, and walls need to be painted, steps patched, and all this other crap for curb appeal. rather than waiting or asking for me to take the initiative she just started spending money to do landscaping and project materials that her brothers purchased that I did not authorize to have work done around this house. She has also borrowed $5,000 from her parents to move forward. Since February I've refused to do any of these things around here other than the bare necessity because she wanted to sell, fired me as her H, now wants refi to buy me out and get me out, and keep the house until next year until she can sell it. The best part is she doesn't have any intention or means of paying me until the house sells. So I don't have any intention of moving. I think what she's trying to do is get me off the mortgage but keep me on the land deed, and pull 7 years worth of equity to buy me out. I have to look at the documents again. She's gone all week on vacation with S1.
Uni I am at the beginning phase of W taking legal action with mediator, house refi, attempted back charge for house projects and $ yard clean up that I had no say in. All have been verbally stated to me with her not presenting documentation yet to me on her part. Plus like your W she has this parental undermining, and perceives me as "scary and aggressive" and all these other irrational emotional fears for whatever reason. (She constantly tells me she's scared that our son will be abducted out in public one day.)
She now wants me out by August and she's working to get it. Anything I disagree with her on, (According to her counciling notes that I'm not supposed to know about.) She has already spoken a mediator as of recently, but she hasn't presented any documentation towards me, or announced when she consulted with them as of this Weds. She just verbally stated what She was putting into action. I haven't made any mention of even though I think she knows that I know based on my in-laws babysitting when I came home from work. She knows I'm observant. She also holds all the files in her room. I haven't even made a lawyer consultation appointment yet I keep putting it off because Im hesitant to do it. Like everyone recommends here I want her to make all the moves and do all the work torwards S. But she's attempting to back charge me too for her choices and deduct it from house sale price when house does sell, as well as me being on her insurance plan despite having my own. That part I can understand. She can't list the house on the market because there's crap all over the place, and walls need to be painted, steps patched, and all this other crap for curb appeal. Rather than waiting or asking for me to take the initiative she just started spending money to do landscaping and project materials that her brothers purchased that I did not authorize to have work done around this house. Since February I've refused to do any of these things other than the bare necessity because she wanted to sell, fired me as her H, now wants refi to buy me out and get me out, and keep the house until next year until she can sell it.
I know everyone here is going to tell me to stop focusing on her and stop snooping, but she barely communicates any of this, and if she does its in verbal passing, and not an actual sit down of lets review the numbers and options. What's my first step in the process and all this consult with a mediator? Or Divorce Lawyer to review all CS, Marital Property, Asset division and the like? Which one should I consult with given the current and complicated situation?
There are so many lines in the sand I can tolerate being crossed. I know the people here have dealt with much more drama than this especially with WW and WH. I just want to be prepared to respond to what she may or may not present since the communication is extremely poor. We don't even go over bills. We did monthly up until I stopped a few months ago. I just deposit and estimated amount of my half weekly into joint account and keep track of occasionally. I was on top of it like a hawk up until the last 3 months.
I guess what I'm looking for from everyone on the board here is how to proceed forward with the process. Also it's not that I'm looking for emotional support or techniques in DB. I know I have to ultimately decide what's right for myself, and how to protect myself and my assets. I understand that the walkaway person's views are they just want to separate and they are taking the necessary steps financially, emotionally, logistically, to proceed forward and doing such. Whether are they 100% they want divorce or just 80%.
From my own personal perspective. I'm having a really hard time understanding why anyone here including myself, would want to ever stand for their marriage once enough trust have been violated. Power plays, personal agendas, communication breakdowns, Child Support and Marital Related assets and logistics. All the division and secrecy of everything. There is a lot of covert F@$! You's going around on both sides even though everything is polite, calm, and friendly on the surface for what little we do talk. There's no respect for the other person's opinion or direction. I understand the other person wants out and wants to do it as amicably as possible. But the person on the receiving end always feels betrayed. My question is why would anyone on here want to ride this out and stand for their marriage in hopes of recon? I feel like a fool. We both don't want to get vindictive. But I feel like a fool for wanting to R given all the actions taken against the marriage. It would just be easier to do the deed get everything in order and get through it as painlessly as possible and just move on with my life from an emotional and logical stand point. Why in the world would you want to trust, reconcile, or even consider someone who is bent on dividing? Life is too short to entertain that kind of bull$hit! The love is gone. The M isn't coming back, and neither is the trust without active commitment to improve things from both parties. The only way I'm ever going to really get focused on my own life is by being apart and independent from all this destruction.
I need someone here to either talk me into moving forward with the divorce or talk me out of it for reasons that they have experienced. Because I find all the actions taken so petty, and so undermining in trust that I don't want to continue anymore, but can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm violating my own principles for allowing it to even get this far in the first place and holding out, "because we love who they used to be, but are no more." I know most of you like Steve85 here advocate a middle ground in thinking and action. I need someone here to tell me the pros and cons again for and against divorce. I just want to cut her loose let her free be done with it and move on. For me to stay in the middle ground and still work amicably and work things out such as the logistics, be physically seperated and not be divorced, makes me feel like a fool because so much trust has been breached. Why would any self respecting person put up with that, even if both people changed over time?
I am in the same situation. Divorce busting for a year now but wife was determined to destroy marriage, took as much as she could - 60% of assets which I had worked long hours to accumulate for our family's security and $73,000 pa in child support on going. When the other person has convinced themselves that they are a victim, and are acting from a position of hostility, you will put your future in jeopardy by trying to R. I made the mistake of being accomodating and understanding but having read these forums it appears that very few are successful at divorce busting - ultimately I lost out by not putting my interests first.
I am in the same situation. Divorce busting for a year now but wife was determined to destroy marriage, took as much as she could - 60% of assets which I had worked long hours to accumulate for our family's security and $73,000 pa in child support on going. When the other person has convinced themselves that they are a victim, and are acting from a position of hostility, you will put your future in jeopardy by trying to R. I made the mistake of being accomodating and understanding but having read these forums it appears that very few are successful at divorce busting - ultimately I lost out by not putting my interests first.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how would have rated your level of DBing?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, this is your first post?? I'm not sure you're helping IHC here. Furthermore, no one has ever said not to protect your own self interests in DBing. We tell LBSs all three time to lawyer up. My guess is that your DBing efforts were half hearted attempts to manipulate your WAW and she say right through it.
So start your own thread and tell us your story.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
People choose to stand for their marriages for lots of reasons: * They take they vows seriously and feel a moral/spiritual obligation to uphold them for as long as possible * They recognize that people are imperfect, and that in any relationship that lasts decades, your partner is going to do things that hurt and disappoint you * They value the past and the shared history * They think it's best for kids to live in a home with both of their parents at the same time * They recognize that they contributed to the demise of their marriage, and they want to see how much the marriage can improve through their own efforts
Now, standing for your marriage does not mean you can't consult with a lawyer to understand your rights and how things are likely to play out if your spouse pursues separation or divorce. You seeing a lawyer is not the same thing as doing the work of the divorce!
It would be good for you to get a legal perspective on your situation.
As far as the house goes, it's hard to tell without knowing the specifics. You have shared before that many (all?) of these projects were ones you had committed to doing during your marriage but had not yet done. Your wife's actions come across as strong and not petty--rather than keep nagging you to do the things you said you were going to do and didn't do, she took matters into her own hands and arranged for others to do them. You had fair warning that this work was going to be done by others, and you didn't step in and do the work (thus saving the costs). I'm not sure what a lawyer would say--which is why you need to see one--but it doesn't seem unreasonable that the cost of getting that work done would be taken into consideration when dealing with the value of the house.
I know you see stopping anything but basic housework as being part of DBing, but it comes across as very petty.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
