I think for now it might be better for you to stick to your own thread until you better understand DB principles. You might want to re-read the validation thread a few more times. Also, I would recommend you getting into IC if you are not already to work on your issues.
Let's start over. You are back at square one. You are so tied up with what your W is doing, you aren't working on your healing. Trust me/us who have been here a while, your W can sense when you have sincerely dropped the rope and started moving forward with your life. You are too preoccupied with everything she is doing.
Looking at her mirrors and what's on her bed, the time she left and returned, what's in her hands when she returns. You are also, stocking her, knowing that she was in the driveway for 20 mins playing on her phone. That's too much brother. I've been there, and it's exhausting. You can't control her or her choices and whatever outcomes are coming her way, but you can control yourself in a way to help possibly reshape some of her choices and outcomes bringing her back (possibly).
And GOD usually gives us what we ask for, not what we want. IMO. If you asked GOD to stop the pain. And the source of your pain is your W. Then maybe the way to reduce that pain is to start and distance the source. He also gives us signs and clues and if you are so wrapped up in what she is doing, you are most likely missing those signs.
It's time to start building your railroad track in your direction and take your train off of your W's tracks.
I see it this way, stop working so hard to prevent a boat with thousands of holes already in from sinking, instead, just start working on building a new one. You need to let go, mourn and grieve that old M, then accept it won't be coming back.
Onward and upward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
LH19, I accept it's not perfect validation. There were a couple leading statements and one SHOULD statement. Practice makes perfect and my situation seems to be improving! Thanks for your advice and opinions.
Steve85 I did drop the rope a couple of months ago, but the thing is what we focus on is what we become. When I focus on the natural and just what the world is, it builds up bitterness in me but it keeps me detached. Behavioral stuff, DB, Psychology, Legal, Self Help, IC, Rolo Tomassi, Robert Glover NMMNG, Attraction, Etc. When I focus on the spiritual. It is what keeps my mind off focus on the natural from my mind going absolutely nuts because of the compulsive thinking of all of human wisdom and nature applicable to attraction, social interaction, communication skills, etc. The spiritual side provides hope, and some detachment in a way. But when you take marriage from an unbreakable covenant with some biblical excusion for bad choices, and then you take the natural, where you just look out for yourself and leave them in the dust. It messes with your head and your heart a little.
We all think we drop the rope, and in a way we do once we get to a certain point. Until we get to the next phase of seperation. Then it starts over again until we recover and readjust, at least that is the way it is for me. I go nuts with every closer move but then I recover and I readjust. I struggle with it every day.
Limbic side is like :"F$CK HER DROP HER LIKE A BAD HABIT. You don't need this person or this limbo stress in your life anymore. The other side wants to hold my covenant. Not just for her. Oh mediator/attorney has her confirmed as of yesyerday for her. She is also trying to back charge me on some work done around the house, and other debts she pursued by her own choice, and wants for reimbursement. She doesn't know that I know yet, and hasn't said anything. I put up a FB post of me and S1 at an indoor park today, and she immediately commented on it, once again undermining my patenting skills. She commented "Why do I picture S1 rolling down falling down the obstacle he climbed up" He climbed up and down it all by himself and we had a great time. Her mind has all these irritional fears of S1 getting obducted too.
These actions really bring out the hatred in me for her. I think its time for me to stop screwing around legally. I need to L up and protect myself. I have had 10 months to prepare for this and have done nothing. (Again delusional on my part.) When I could have potentialy nailed her a$$ to the wall. Im so angry right now. I just want this either to stop, and make amends, or I want to screw her hard since she is getting colder by her actions, but not interactions, by the day. I have been feeling ike taking the initiative to legally slam dunk her for 7 months. But just can't because I still love her. Then I ask myself? I must be absolutely insane and in complete denial of what is. Based on her 10 months of crazy actions. The anger, the wanting to gain the upper hand, and the desire to wanting to make peace and stop this train wreck is tearing me apart.
The truth is I cannot love her for what she is doing. So why do I keep wanting to just keep suffering in 10 months of status quo? Its not good for me, she is no longer good for me. Maybe she never was? Maybe she was never the person I thought she was? Sometimes I really want to get spiteful ( not physically) and lash out legally. I wish God would send me a sign or a dream or something on what to do? Sever the M and protect myself? Or start moving, protecting, and covering my a$$. I'm really torn over this and feel like a fool for even praying that she comes around. I know I can't control any of this, so why worry about it. Just deal with it as it comes at me, one situation at a time. I dont know if D is imminent (it probably is) but S and Mediating and house arrangement are going to piss me off, turn me cold and tacit, and once I go down that road following her lead on how far she wants to take things, Im going to get bitter and nasty, and I don't want that for myself or her. I really f@$king hate her right now. But eventually I will level out, be polite, and di what I have to do.
So sorry. Anger is natural when you're grieving. I definitely bounce between the first 4 of the 5 stages: "1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance."
Yeah I know. Been cycling it for 9 months. We all have. Its called emotions. Its becomes the norm. I have to be a damn fool for letting 9 months go by and intentionally putting off becoming legally prepared because of this constant and repetitive cycling. No person in a M who would even consider a seperation or divorce should ever be trusted again, and should just be delt with accordingly. People like myself are stupid and deluded for thinking we could ever turn things around once betrayal and trust is broken. Its just easier to cut bait from day one of BD, do the deed and what need a to be done, and move on. Guess I'm back to bitter again.
IH YOUR QUOTE: We all think we drop the rope, and in a way we do once we get to a certain point. Until we get to the next phase of seperation. Then it starts over again until we recover and readjust, at least that is the way it is for me. I go nuts with every closer move but then I recover and I readjust. I struggle with it every day.
You are not alone here. I feel exactly the same way. Just as I feel like I am ready to deal with my situation, she will make an appointment for the mediator, get an email from the lawyer or whatever else. Then I become completely depressed that she is still moving forward. I am right there with you brother. A lot of what you say I feel exactly the same. With the anger and frustration but I still love her and love my family. It just f-in [censored] that it takes 2 to get married but one to d. I just got an email yesterday about the paperwork is almost done they just need a few more details. When I got that email my stomach dropped. It shouldn’t because I knew it was coming. Yet when I got it I still felt panicked. I wish I could make it all go away for you. I wish I could make the pain stop for you. You also mentioned about putting it off for so long. I think we all do that with the hopes it really won’t happen. It’s just our denial kicking in. All your emotions brother are exactly what I feel too!! Trust me you are not alone.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
IH YOUR QUOTE: We all think we drop the rope, and in a way we do once we get to a certain point. Until we get to the next phase of seperation. Then it starts over again until we recover and readjust, at least that is the way it is for me. I go nuts with every closer move but then I recover and I readjust. I struggle with it every day.
You are not alone here. I feel exactly the same way. Just as I feel like I am ready to deal with my situation, she will make an appointment for the mediator, get an email from the lawyer or whatever else. Then I become completely depressed that she is still moving forward. I am right there with you brother. A lot of what you say I feel exactly the same. With the anger and frustration but I still love her and love my family. It just f-in [censored] that it takes 2 to get married but one to d. I just got an email yesterday about the paperwork is almost done they just need a few more details. When I got that email my stomach dropped. It shouldn’t because I knew it was coming. Yet when I got it I still felt panicked. I wish I could make it all go away for you. I wish I could make the pain stop for you. You also mentioned about putting it off for so long. I think we all do that with the hopes it really won’t happen. It’s just our denial kicking in. All your emotions brother are exactly what I feel too!! Trust me you are not alone.
Thanks Wolfie. Exactly what you describe is about panicking and your stomach dropping out when you face the inevitable, but what you knew all along from your logic is the part I can't figure out? Like of course most of us knew they would go through with it months in advanced, and they would follow through. Why wouldn't they not announce and declare it and not? (Some dont. Some are just sneaky about it.) That's what I beat myself up over. I saw all the chess moves months and months in advance, but refused to follow through with them because my emotions weren't consistent. One week or two I would be detached. Then the next week I would delude myself into having my own deluded false hope, even though I know it wasnt my reality based off her responses. That's not living in reality and living on your own deluded false hope. What kind of idiot does that? But yeah. The temporary panic that sets in sets off unnerving anxiety, even though we were expecting it. Then we recover. There's something wrong with most of us here dealing with facts and logic deluded by emotions and memories of a person that no longer exists. But I will tell you. I would rather deal with the adrenaline of being shot at doing a run and gun, then receive these death by a thousand paper cuts by my own deluded reality of false hope. The anger that temporarily comes with it shoot me up with adrenaline that wants part retribution and part peace because of who they are, or were I should say.
Everyone thanks for listening, adding in, and 2x4 ing when needed. I think its time to get ready to start making some calculating moves. Watching War Games now. ;-)
