Is it over?

[AnotherStander]

Good advice from R2C, CW and ovr there. Read it a few times and absorb it.

So how do i not pursue her without sending the message that i’m done or coming across as too harsh?

She's treating you like crap and engaging in AT LEAST emotional affairs if not physical, and you're worried she'll think you are done?? Read DR. Read Cadet's links. Learn what the "distance/pursuit" dynamic is. You WANT to get to a point where she thinks you are done and detached. She'll never want you back otherwise.

She has a job but gets broke after bills so she has to use my money for food or bills still due, we had moved houses a few months ago so she could afford to live on her own, but it appears she can’t afford it. She let me come back and stay with her

So you already moved out once? And then came back, and now she wants you out again? Don't leave again. As far as expenses, don't just give her unlimited funds. Come up with an agreement regarding bills, you pay half and she pays half or you have a joint account used for paying bills or such. Nail down a budget amount and stick that in the joint account each month and not a penny more.

but things haven’t improved since then, she said she feels anxious and depressed around me so she’s been making a lot of plans without me to stay out of the house.

Good! Let her make the plans, let her go do whatever. Don't ask her where she's going or what she's doing. Are you familiar with Sandi's rules?

i know she wouldn’t cheat, that’s one thing that attracted me to her was her loyalty.

She's not the person she used to be. I can't tell you how many times people have said that and then a month or two or three later been shocked into the reality that their W has been having a good ol' time with one or more OM's. Like ovr said, if she's snapchatting guys then she's already in at least an emotional affair. And I guess you know cheaters love snapchat because they can share photos and messages that are not traceable. People don't snapchat to talk about the weather and their kids.

I’ve cut back on saying i love you to twice a day, morning then at night, she always responds with just goodbye or goodnight

That's a clear signal you need to quit saying it.

i really want to be able to kiss and hold her but she doesn't want to

I get it, but you've got to bury those urges.

i still want to do nice things for her and give her sweet surprises to let her know i was thinking about her

Doing those things will make her even more repulsed by you. That's how she feels, that's how most WAS's feel about their H- repulsed. They don't want to talk, they don't want to hug, they don't even want to be in the same room. It can and will eventually change, but right now that's what you are up against. So act accordingly. Be scarce. Leave her alone. Give her space.

, but i also want her to respect me, and trust me, and think of me as a man

You won't believe it, but you do that by detaching and going about living life without her. She will respect you for it. But if you keep pursuing it just looks needy and desperate. And that's unattractive.

I haven’t been initiating texts or anything the past few days, only responding to hers.

Good! Keep it up for months and months. You can do this.

[Jb2019]

So how do i know if she is cheating? Do i ask her later on when everything is better or do i try to catch her in the act

[Jb2019]

Also her dad died suddenly in december, could that have a part in this?

[Traveler]

Also her dad died suddenly in december, could that have a part in this?

We don't know the timeline, but yeah major life changes such as a death in the family can nudge us to revisit the choices we've made in our lives and seize the day.

[Jb2019]

I haven’t said i love you today or yesterday and things seem to be better already, she seems more cheerful around me again. I cooked her breakfast this morning before she got up for work, she said thank you for the food and stuff. Today she asked if i was going to this 4th of july event with her and her family. Is all this a good sign?

[ozman]

Hey man. I haven’t posted on anybody’s thread yet but I feel the urge to now. My W went through an emotional trauma Right before BD.

Something small I’ve learned from the wise folks here. Don’t forget who you are. You are your own person. Your a man. Don’t forget that

If you read me sitch you will see me derailing a lot. But try to stay steady.

I have no idea if this helps or not

I just wanted you to know your not alone.

Happy 4th. 💥

[SoTorn]

I haven’t said i love you today or yesterday and things seem to be better already, she seems more cheerful around me again. I cooked her breakfast this morning before she got up for work, she said thank you for the food and stuff. Today she asked if i was going to this 4th of july event with her and her family. Is all this a good sign?

Hey JB. Its going to take a very long time for you to see changes. Its not something thats going to happen overnight. This is a marathon and not a race. Some peoples situations take years to play out. My situation for example, BD in August 2018, confirmation of EXWW PA October 31, 2018, IHS from September 24, 2018, to June 1, 2019, when I moved out.

Divorce filed March 27, 2019, and finalized May 17, 2019, five days after my 18th anniversary.

In that time, I saw no changes. That doesnt mean you wont, but even my timeframe is considered short.

Just keep DBing. Back off, leave her alone. Live your own life away from her. Make changes to better yourself. Do things that make you happy. Stop worrying about what she is doing, what she thinks. Stop making decisions based on how she will react.

Stop cooking her breakfast. Stop doing everything. She needs to feel that you are backing away from her and that you are not a backup plan or plan b. She needs to see that you are going to be ok alone and that you are ok with being alone and that you will be a man only a fool would leave. Did you buy the DR book? If not, do it. Read it. Then read it again.

[Jb2019]

I’m seeing a few steps forward and a few steps back, yesterday after the 4th of july event she was going out with her friends and i was thinking i had to drop them off then pick them up so they could drink, but to my surprise when i stayed in the car and was about to leave she asked what am i doing, and then i understood that she was expecting me to come along too, granted they didn’t stay out long and i didn’t have a chance to get a word in during their girl talk, it felt good that she was including me without me asking, could this be a step in the right direction?

[Jb2019]

She keeps saying i act like nothing happened, how do i change this and why does she think that’s how i’m acting? I’m trying to be positive around her and happy to see her, among other things

[Tryhard]

It’s hard , but in the early stages is when you have the best chance of turning things around .. There’s a detachment thread that shows the path . Your gut instinct will be to do the opposite. This will be the hardest test you can face bit without removing emotions from your decisions you are going to follow a path that will lead you the wrong way . I know it is hard and you are going to fall but you need to be stronger than you ever have been before .

It’s up to you , can you do what needs to be done ?