W is off for Summer. Its my night with S1. Just came home from work to find In-Law's baby sitting. W is out. Im just speculating, and I am not going to ask, but that funny feeling tells me she is doing the L consultation. I said "Have a a Good Day this morning through text. No response. Must be due to guilt. In Laws left immediately after I got home after some small talk.
Here we go... I guess Im going back into "Ghost Mode" again and making myself completely positive, and extremely scarce. Thank God I have S1, a few good GAL plans, and Jesus to focus on.
W is off for Summer. Its my night with S1. Just came home from work to find In-Law's baby sitting. W is out. Im just speculating, and I am not going to ask, but that funny feeling tells me she is doing the L consultation. I said "Have a a Good Day this morning through text. No response. Must be due to guilt. In Laws left immediately after I got home after some small talk.
Here we go... I guess Im going back into "Ghost Mode" again and making myself completely positive, and extremely scarce. Thank God I have S1, a few good GAL plans, and Jesus to focus on.
Just put two and two together. Her file box is out on the bed in her room, vanity mirror left out in living room, which means make up and professional presentation, and In-laws said S1 went down for nap at 12:30 PM. So she has been out for at least 4 hrs. This is definitely no regular appointment.
W came home from appointment at 4pm. Didn't expect me home yet. Was at "appointment" for 4 hours. Looked professionally dressed. Took a 30mim nap. Got changed, changed again back into original attire. Went back out for 2 hour IC appointment. She was in driveway playing with phone for at least 20 minutes after IC appointment. Came in with black nin labeled folder and his it in her room right away after trying to make polite friendly convo. Asked what time I would be home from work Friday. Wanted to squeeze in nail appointment. She's going to a bbq tomorrow. I have S1. In convinced there is something going on, her phone habits are extremely excessive lately. Been doing my best to keep my cool. IM CLIMBING THE FYCKING WALLS TONIGHT!! Reattachment, insecurities and denial is a gift that keeps on giving every step closer she takes. Losing my $hit on the inside, but still cool on the outside. It passes eventually.I have been upbeat and friendly though, and focused on S1, movies, comedies, distractions, whatever to take my mind off this. GOD PLEASE WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!! WAKE UP HER FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!! I just want to blow it all up. Everytime I interact, I try to imagine Jesus's face, when I get into the negative zone, I try to imagine his face. I keep trying not to blow things up and just go off her, and say F@$! IT ALL and file since I clearly know what direction this is heading in, and there is no way in hell of stopping it.. I know everyone else's sich's are much more developed, and I truly have no right to b@tch considering others situations are significantly worse, but this is just mental torture sometimes with every new step into the unknown. I guess denial isn't just a river in Egypt. I'm trying so hard to put my faith in God and keep praying for a miracle. But I know I'm going to feel like a fool when buy out/D day comes. 10 months of hell, silence and psych abuse. I don't know if I can go any further? I have no plans, no L consultation (I just can't do it but might have to.), little support, and no backup place to live.
Every time I reconnect to faith, I raise my hope, and my expectations falsly go up with it. When I come back to reality, detach and pull away hard, I just want to end the M, file, get my cut of the home, and my 50/50 custody. Even if it takes me till next year. I would almost rather be extremely mean and uncooperative, and have a determined outcome, than remain hopeful, delude myself, and put on a front. I just don't want to go through with this. My emotional hijack and control are getting shorter in time spans though, then I come back to logical after a few hours. Still keeping composure for the most part. Just need to vent.
I feel you brother. This is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. If you ask God to make you strong how does he do it ? Is it by instantly making you strong or by giving you situations that can make you strong?
Each time you get hurt and deal with it inside a small bit better each time , this is making you strong. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy . Dig in hard and keep chipping away , you can do it
I'm trying so hard to put my faith in God and keep praying for a miracle. But I know I'm going to feel like a fool when buy out/D day comes.
IHC, I feel for you man. I go through similar cycles when I see and perceive things my W is doing or planning. Here are some verses to keep you strong:
"All you have to do is call upon God. Believe in his ability to answer your prayers, and remove any doubt from your heart." Mark 11:23
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
Hi Ihclacs, the last couple days sound horrible, having many indications she’s pressing forward legally. Sorry, mate.
Re: What AnotherStander said just before you shifted to the new thread, that was my read as well. Your challenges at her plus dismissal seem at odds with the DB approach of validation.
An example from my weekend—my partner was reading a book by the campfire, had been for awhile. I went to our tent and turned in. She fumed for 4hrs. “What upset you about my going to sleep?” “I felt you didn’t want to spend any time with me!” “Wow, that must have hurt.” “Yeah, it did!” “Because you love me.” “Yes, and I wanted to spend precious quality time together.” I never apologized for this. I see her more at fault for fuming. Validation doesn’t imply agreement. I did also reassure her I wanted to spend time together and (wrong) told her she should’ve woken me and told me what was wrong (better: If you feel upset about something, it’s okay to wake me to talk about it.)
You don’t have to validate. I get you feel her actions aren’t in line with God’s will, and maybe for you telling her what your studied beliefs of God’s will say about what she’s doing is more important than brownie points.
