Thanks LH, Test me to see if I will give her more cake? Temp checks?
It already seems like she uses son as an excuse to contact me. Even if it’s not important info about son she still sends it. Is my best response here to just not respond? That seems more like NC than LRT.
You say you're alpha. An alpha's words are his truth. You stated you are not playing family anymore and do not want to be friends. Let's see if you can be congruent with your words.
Walked away after that. I tried to say it as upbeat as I could and I don’t think I sounded harsh or mean. I know I should have probably made this a shorter convo but oh well. Didn’t really see her reaction but I guess it doesn’t matter! No more cake.
Good! I don't think it could have been shorter, that was just right. Well done. Now like LH said it's important to stick to your guns. Your words and actions need to reaffirm that being friends is out of the question. I'm not saying be cold/ rude/ indifferent but she is going to test the boundaries and you've got to keep reinforcing what you said.
So NC with W after that last exchange. Heard from a friend she has her M babysitting our S while she goes out drinking. Not surprised.
Had a date with a WAW. It made my blood boil. I kid you not she said, “I had everything I wanted. House, car. I just wasn’t into it anymore.” Blows my fckin mind how easily people give up on R these days. Spineless.
I don't see how people can view important people in their lives as disposable. I could never do that to anyone.
Its quite simple actually. Its because you are no longer important. They feel you didn't treat them as important when the M was still alive and somewhat healthy. Whether it is their feelings, and it is completely untrue, or their are partial half truths, mixed in with half lies of disillusionment. It is still their truth. Remember. Although we think we are right in our perceptions (Currently we are because we want to reconcile, and have learned what is right. .) We have to remember that for every finger we point at someone there are 3 pointing back at us. So examine carefully, acknowledge their patterns as well as our own. Its not that we are disposable to them, its that they are moving on. I know it violates our strongly held convictions of "For better for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do us part."
Ask any WAH/WAW if they meant their vows, and they will most likely say that they meant it then, what no longer means now because their circumstances and feelings have changed. ? They have difficulties committing to other people and keeping them as well as difficulty committing to themselves.
I think it is the nature of a depressed person to view some people close to them mistakingly as disposable. I don't think they even see it that way. But we do because we are on the receiving end. They are just unhappy, subjected to circumstances, deceived by their feelings, and want to escape or pursue outside worldly, natural means of happiness, pleasure, purpose, independence, freedom, and escape. You see? They are in a spiritual prison. They think along the lines of. "If only I obtain my freedom, my independence, my next beau, my next R, my next achievement, my next goal, my next purpose, my next chapter of my life?" They won't ever see what they are doing through the lens of selfishness, they will always see it through the lens of self-improvement, and that is fine. Self care is fine within the right context. But their feelings change direction like the wind at any hour, and we must acknowledge this, recognize it, and let go of our death grip on it. Some do care if we hurt, but 99% of the time they care more about how they are going to save themselves, before they consider, sacrifice, care, and understand others. They have to fall to ever repent, so let them fall.
Destroyd, I couldn’t agree more. Tossed us away as if we were garbage. With our positive changes it will be their loss.
IHC wow man that was really insightful. I think in a lot of these situations the walk aways place way to much responsibility for their own happiness on their LBS. I saw a great quote from will smith the other day:
“Her happiness is not my responsibility. She should be happy and I should be happy individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it yourself is selfish.”
This quote really spoke to me because during our whole R, I was happy. I found new hobby’s, interacted with friends often and was great at GAL. My W did none of these things and spent most of her days watching hours of reality tv after work. No goals, no hobby, very little interaction socially outside of work. But sure, I’m the reason she was unhappy. Bugs me that now we aren’t together she’s GAL but I cannot control others.
Just reading on here as I have an hour before my hockey game. So will do a little update. Since my no cake eating talk with W, there has only been a few texts regarding child exchange. I took a few hours to respond to her due to GAL. Don’t think she liked that lol.
My detachment is coming along well. I’m not really sad much anymore, but it definitely helps that I don’t see her often. My self improvement is going well. I have made so many new friends and get many comments about how different I am in a good way. Less negativity. Way more out going. Last night I wanted to go out with friends but they all decided to stay in. So I called a new friend I made last week and went out dancing. There was a huge group of girls celebrating a birthday. I started talking to them and ended up hanging out with them most of the night. Something I never would have done before BD, but that’s a huge goal of mine. Make new friends, learn more about others. Doing pretty well at it so far. Thanks all.
Picked up my S today from Ws apartment. Lots of temp checking I think? Main thing she asked was, “So should we mediate soon? Have you thought about it more?”. I relied “I haven’t thought about it.” And left it at that. She has asked similar things almost on a weekly basis. Temp check I guess. Trying to stay away from R talks and such so I thought a vague brief reply was good. Before she moved out I used the “that’s not what I want but won’t stop you”. But after using it a few times I think she knows where I stand. Let me know if I should have responded differently.
We discussed S for a few minutes and logistics. She asked if I was out late last night. Gave a vague reply. She expressed that she was feeling sad. I validated. As I was getting ready to leave she brought up 4th of July again. She expressed that she wanted us to do something for the 4th as a family. Stuck to my guns and replied once again, “I do not want to do things as a family anymore because we are not a family anymore.” She replied that yes we still were a family even though we aren’t together. I replied that no, that’s not how it works. If we are not together, we are no longer a family. She then brought up another couple we know who split up but still did family things. I reinforced that I wasn’t interested in that and that if she didn’t want S for 4th of July then I would take him.
Thanks LH, will try to put that into practice. I said it once no need to say it again I guess. Yeah forsure she has been dragging out conversations about son. I need to work on just hitting the road and not listening to extended Son talk. LH is the best way to deal with the nonsense having shorter conversations? Thanks
