(((Hope))) You give me too much credit, I promise! I only know what I went through and I read here. Sadly, there are so many commonalities: I can read a LBW thread and just know what her H is up to, and I am usually right :-(
How are you today? How are you feeling and what is changing for you now? ... I hope the LBWs are reading along. I want them to see that when you learn that your H not only left you --but leaves you for OW -- it does change things. The betrayal of a man taking our love and giving it to another cuts deep, and especially when we are left at home with THEIR children ....
He might start to do the distancer/pursuer dance as he feels you pulling back. Just continue on your own path forward! Only show him your strong self. Let him be and he will fall on his own in one way or another, and the A rarely works out. In time, this will fall apart. One day, he will see things more clearly. It might be many months, or even years, but the truth (his and yours) will shine through. ... You don't actually want THIS man right here, even if it doesn't feel that way ..
What else can I say to you? It just svcks. The worst pain! I don't even know how I got through it. But the thing is -- I did. In fact, when I forced myself to GAL, I did make some nice and comforting memories in a terrible time. I am now grateful for those -- and I learned who my true friends are. We had some awesome road trips! I have amazing women in my life that stand by me.
This might not matter to you right now, but I will say it anyways because I really mean it. If you can trust that things will be okay eventually (with or without him), if you can learn to be independent and strong during this craziness, and if you can give yourself the love/care/attention you deserve, then one day, you might be able to say that all of this pain was worth it. I am getting there, Hope. I never thought I would. This has nothing to do with my H coming back. He could come/go tomorrow, and I know I would be just fine. But the strength, resolve, and integrity I have gained in fighting my way out of this h3ll hole, is something that no one can take away from me. Ever. ... I like myself more now because of it.
On another note, without sharing too much, maybe a hint, where about/approx are you? I have a feeling we are close.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Hope I'm so sorry. Everything Blu wrote is exactly on point. I'm glad you are sharing here and that Blu is too. You can see the other side of the mountain from someone who climbed over. She got through this, and so will you, and by doing so in the way you are will make you stronger. I'm praying for you, for strength and peace.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thank you both very much. I really do feel so supported when I read these messages, it’s a gift.
Blu—today was interesting. I was a mess this morning, I could hardly control the tears. I barely slept last night despite medicating myself. Thankfully my D3 was signed up for day camp today. I’m a stay at home mom, and I so needed that tome alone to be sad and not have to hold it together for her. I spoke on the phone with my closest friend who had been amazing throughout my sitch. I also managed to get in to see my IC who is amazing, and I felt a bit better after that. Tomorrow morning D3 and I are going away for the weekend with one of my best friends and her husband and kids. Prior to yesterday I was super excited about it. Last night as I lay awake crying I was dreading it. At this point I’m really looking forward to getting away with people who truly love me and my daughter and just have some fun. My H came this evening to be with D3. I read and re-read your messages before he came Blu, and re read Sandis rules. I also put ice packs on my swollen puffy eyes, because I don’t feel powerful when I know I look like I’ve been crying.
When he showed up I focused on remaining cordial but distant. I struggle with this part of things; I have always been a person who can not hide my feelings. They are just written on my face. I also struggle to find a mid point between friendly and straight up cold. I did my best but didn’t worry too much about it. I was probably more distant than cordial, and that’s ok. Mainly I did not want him thinking I was sad and crying all day. He took D3 out to dinner and I packed for tomorrow. He was trying to make small talk and inside jokes with me. I was not responsive. He left after D3 went to bed, and I feel exhausted, drained, sad and a bit empowered because I did my best to take control of my feelings and my interaction with my H. If I’m honest I’m also feeling a bit disgusted. Who the f*** is this person?
I believe what you say about the possibility that this all may feel worthwhile someday, regardless of my H. My IC told me today that she sees that I have truly transformed through all of this, and that she can see that I will continue to do so. I know I’m a better person now than I was a year ago, I can feel it. And I am trying to believe that someday I will be able to really enjoy that fact. As night is falling though, I feel the pain and the heartbreak and the horrible, horrible thoughts entering my mind. I find dusk to be the worst time of day. My daughter is in bed and it’s just very sad and lonely right now. I’m really, really grateful for the support I’m finding from being on this board.
Blu, I’m in Northern California, in the San Francisco Bay Area. I’m very curious what tips you off that we might be close?
Actually, I do not recall what even tipped me off -- perhaps an intuition as I read your posts and the CA in your name -- but I was indeed correct :-)
I am sorry you are struggling. I also wear my heart on my sleeve and "acting" detached around my H after BD felt impossible most days. Perhaps the best thing for you now is limiting your arrangements so you don't have to cross paths. Can you make it so you only see him when you absolutely have to? Your D3 will adjust. Can you only communicate in email? I think both of those things will help start your healing process. The less you have to see him or hear from him the better.
You might feel worse before you start feeling better. This is really hard news to accept. Just allow your feelings and process them. Continue the self care and GAL. Give yourself permission to also have fun and enjoy moments. It helps. I promise in time things will get improve.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 06/27/1906:53 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Have some hugs for the lonely dusks. It's difficult to not think about the future but to also trust that you will be ok eventually no matter what. Holding those two things side by side is hard! And you have to believe that things will be ok in the end, even though you don't know what that might look like. I've had those feelings a few times and they were comforting. For a month after BD when I couldn't sleep I did a yoga video every night before bed, it helped me a lot though I stopped doing it for some reason. Maybe you could try this when the dusks get lonely?
Thank you both very much. I really do feel so supported when I read these messages, it’s a gift.
Awww, I feel your pain. I am 30 minutes away. There are AMAZING support groups near you--if you check MEETUP for BAY AREA SINGLE PARENTS groups. I lead the largest one. Shhh! What I've shared here is very personal, but there are SINGLE PARENTS with kids who would be in AWE of how hard you are trying to make this work. Sorry the outcome is not what your might hope from all your efforts...
I've got a list on my phone of books I want to read, films I want to watch, things I want to do or arrange or find out about. And in the evenings, once the kids are finally in bed, if I happen to be feeling bored or lonely, I get out that list and see if I can treat myself to some of it. It really helps. Last night I researched day spas in my area for a trip in the summer. Tonight I have a movie to watch, and I'm going to write a few old-fashioned letters to friends that I don't see as often as I would like. It helps me to have that ready on my phone, so I can add to it during the day when ideas occur to me, and don't have to wrack my brains for something to do with myself when I am feeling exhausted and low.
Well, I’ve had a very strange last few days. I feel like the timing of the events is a clear message from the universe, and I’m experiencing a major shift. My daughter and I went away for the weekend with one of my best friends and her husband and kids, as well as a bunch of other families they are friends with. The kids played and I got hang with the adults who were all incredibly lovely. I watched these couples and the way they went about their time, and I watched these husbands and fathers and was just struck incredibly hard with the realization that I am in a place now where I have the opportunity to have what they have. There was one man there on his own; he is married but his wife had to work and couldn’t come. He was very much someone I would have been very interested in had he not been married. He was just lovely and warm and solid seeming. He had lovely things to say about his wife and he was effortlessly amazing and helpful with all the kids (including mine) even though none of them were his. We talked a lot, and he asked me lots of questions about what had happened to my marriage. There were lots of times during the weekend at which all the dads were taking over with the kids so the moms could relax. Most of those times this man swept in and watched my daughter so I could relax with the other moms (mine was the youngest child there and I was the only one with out a partner to hep me, so this was a gift. And it made me realize that I want that for myself, and that my current husband will never be the kind of partner I want. This man (in the most appropriate, married man way) felt compelled to have a heart to heart with me about what he sees in me as a person and as a mom. It was incredibly validating. I know it seems crazy, but it feels like it was the exact push forward that I’ve been waiting for. I think I’d gotten myself feeling so deeply that I am damaged goods with a ton of baggage that nobody would want. I see the opposite now. The man I married is not worthy of what I have to offer. Plain and simple. I think that what I thought was a longing for him all this time was actually plain, simple loneliness. All of this being on the heels of finding out that my husband did not take a single second of this past year to figure anything out or do any work on himself in any way, and instead he ran into the arms of the first woman he could find. All these things combined at just the right time.
This small, innocent bit of attention, support and validation from a lovely man made me realize that I know the kind of partner that I want, and my husband is not it. I’ve been a bit of a mess ever since, because I am realizing how lonely I’ve been for so, so long. And because I’m realizing that I don’t actually miss my husband that much. That he is not the kind of partner that I want. I am ready to get a divorce and move forward, to free up my heart and energy for someone who deserves it. I’m ready to be free.
YES! Hold onto that, hope! You will waver, your H might come crawling back offering you crumbs and you might weaken and think about taking him back. But you definitely do deserve so much better than this pancake-making cheater. I identify with the loneliness, I was lonely when H lived here, because he spent years working longer and longer hours and giving his family less time and attention and love and retreating from us. It was lonely and I was lonely. And now we are confronted with being properly alone it brings attention to our loneliness, but it was there all along because our Hs were not meeting our needs. Good men are out there. Not perfect men, but good enough men. Right now our Hs are not good enough for us. There's a possibility if they put in the hard work that that could change, but we have to drop the rope and live our lives as if they won't. You are an amazing mum, a strong woman, and a good person. You're right, your H does not deserve your love xx
