You can spin it any way you want but you’re in an open marriage. It’s not normal for people to be dating other people after being married for a year and having a new born. What are your core values?
Yeah so I’ve been flip flopping about filing the past few days. I remember reading another vets advice that if you are flip flopping on a decision that you need to take time and really consider if it is what you want..
If you are uncertain, don't file.
For the legal stuff, there are options between mediation and full-on legal trial. You can try forms of mediation where each side has some legal representation.
I would say go to a L to learn about your options. Any L worth hiring would tell you don't file until you are absolutely certain.
Hey LH, yeah you’re right it’s not normal and believe me I wish I wasn’t in this situation, that’s why I’m here. The alternatives to what I’m doing are to file: which isn’t what I’m positive I want. Or to continue to DB and drop the dating that I’m doing. The dating is nothing serious and I have no intention of finding another relationship at the moment, I just enjoy meeting other people, learning their stories and interacting 1 on 1 with woman which I haven’t done any of really in the past 7 odd years due to R with W. I’ve also read other vets advise dating after separation as long as you are clear with OP you are not available for an R.
As for my core values I value loyalty highly and have empathy for others. During the 7 year R with my W I was approached on several occasions by girls at school, work place etc etc who wanted to be more than friends. Because of my loyalty to W I made it clear I wasn’t interested. I don’t mean to come across as bragging that I didn’t have an affair haha just an example.
I’ve mentioned before that my core values were aligned with my W and I kid you not 3 or 4 months before BD she said “I could never just give up, marriages are worth working on”. I’ve also already mentioned that 6 months before BD, W’s sister left a man who was physically and verbally abusive. I defended the sister for leaving such a terrible R while my W didn’t approve saying “it’s not right to just up and leave someone”. I cannot make this [censored] up haha.
So obviously her core values are gone with her waywardness. Maybe they will return one day but that is out of my control.
U, yes thanks. I’ve met with L previously but have almost no idea how mediation works. Seeing my L tomorrow just to understand more about the situation.
Short update: been NC with W for the past few days. Nothing to report lol. I’ve been thinking back a lot and am realizing how codependent W was due to her anxiety. It was always an issue if I wasn’t around to be her stability. With my busy GAL I believe this contributed to a lot of resentment with in her. I don’t believe she is doing IC or even looking inward at this point.
So just wanted to run a script by you guys. I’ve been reading a lot of the guides of Sandis about WW. Now I believe my W is WW due to her personality changes, activity changes, new group of friends, abandoning old group of friends and resentment. Even though I did not have anything more than suspicion about OP before we separated I am aware it is likely that now separated there is OM.
I need to focus on being more firm with her and stopping all cake eating. I told you guys about her request that we do 4th of July as a family, but seeing how she is WW I need to deny this request. So I was considering different scripts for when she brings it up again. It is now NC day 4. NC as in she hasn’t talked or texted me at all and I’m not initiating.
Should I go the really firm script: No I will not be going because you are involved with OM. (Even though I have no idea or clue about OM)
Or not even mention OM: No I will not be going because we are no longer a family.
^^^ Standard generic reply. Learn it, use it, live it. The WW/WAW uses it, we use it, etc. Our GAL/IC/Family/Whatever affairs outside of Child Care and S logistics no longer concerns them, and vice versa. Keep em guessing. They will get curious, even if they don't say/state so.
Alrighty well just had a talk with W during child exchange. We were going over schedule and she asked about our plans together for the 4th of July. She was expecting some cake but will not get any.
W: so what are we doing together for the 4th Me: I’ve got plans actually. W:but I thought we were going to all go together Me: I don’t want to do things as a family anymore. W: but it’s important for S to know... (trailed off) Me: that we are friends? W: yes Me: I have no intention of being your friend. Have a good one!
Walked away after that. I tried to say it as upbeat as I could and I don’t think I sounded harsh or mean. I know I should have probably made this a shorter convo but oh well. Didn’t really see her reaction but I guess it doesn’t matter! No more cake.
