I think what the coach teaches is proper play here. If she reaches out assume she wants to see you and ask her when she’s free to get together. If she gives you dates and times make a date. Then hangout, have fun and hook up. No relationship talks. If she gives you BS about needing time to herself then tell her your not interested in just being friends and to call you if she changes her mind.
I suspect there is another guy in the background. To be blunt if she really wanted to see you she would find the time.
I’m sorry you have to go through these challenges.
So she and I are and have been BF/GF exclusive for a while now, rightly or wrongly. I am familiar with the coach advice and interestingly it came to me more naturally in this scenario. i've told her i love her, i support her and i know with her work consuming her she has no real time to relax and be with her family or even just veg out and relax by herself. if i had her work schedule i know i'd be nuts too so that helps me understand what she's saying.
anything is possible for sure, but as she has been working in IC on this particular issue for a long time it is highly more ilkely that. she has worked with and been pushed by her IC to make time for herself, find balance, do things for herself to make herself happier with herself such as eating healhier, going to the gym, etc, but with work really taking a huge amount of her time, her children's needs and our relationship, feeling like there's no time for herself and that she's failing the work she's done with her IC and then being guilty about not seeing me...bottom line i can see how this has snowballed for her.
time will tell. if it doesn't work with her, i will be terribly sad about that, but life will go on. i'm hopeful though given the dynamics of this as i've just described.
Man I hate being the bad guy sometimes but I feel it’s our job to give our opinions. At this stage in our lives you can have a relationship where you see someone 2 or 3 times a month. I believe AS does it. If she can’t make that time for you so she can “veg out” then she just doesn’t want to do it.
Now if 2-3 days a month doesn’t work for you then I understand and you need to end it.
The important thing is to not pursue and give her time and space.
I recently had a similar concern in my relationship. It’s different than when we were single, no kids, and no major commitments.
I realize we all have lives built now and we do need to give time to ourselves, and if we do, that doesn’t mean it has to do with the us.
My boyfriend back off spending time together a little because he was tired due to his commitments. I get it. I took it personally at first. We did talk it out. I backed off, he put in more effort.
The balance with so many commitments for sure is hard. She’s most likely giving you all she can right now and you have to decide if that’s enough for you
At this stage in our lives you can have a relationship where you see someone 2 or 3 times a month. I believe AS does it. If she can’t make that time for you so she can “veg out” then she just doesn’t want to do it.
Yes, quite right. My GF lives an hour away. She has a home remodeling business so works very unpredictable hours, often she doesn't even know what her schedule will be tomorrow much less next week. We text on and off each day but yes we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month. Years ago when it started I thought she was trying to build some distance to break up. I finally said something to her and she freaked out, thought I was trying to break up with her. We had a long talk and it turns out she just really was that busy. I have a desk job so it's hard for me to understand why she doesn't reply to texts right away, but she explained that a lot of times she's laying tile or hanging drywall and can't look at her phone until she takes a break. And it's hard for her to make plans to see me because of her unpredictable schedule. So yeah, my choice was learn to live with sporadic texting and infrequent get-togethers or break up. I decided to roll with it a while, and it's been years now. I won't say I "like" it but she's awesome and we get along amazing so I deal with it.
Ballast, I think anyone you date at this age is going to have an established career and a life that makes it tough to spare time for you. That doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care though. Keep in mind she's not a WAS, she's your GF. So it's OK to share your feelings with her. I laid it all out for my GF, told her I wasn't happy with the infrequent visits, sporadic contact and lack of planning and that I felt like there was a big divide between us and it wasn't going to work. My GF explained why it was happening and vowed to try and do better. Once I knew it was because she was just very busy and not because she didn't care, then my attitude about it changed. I wish I could see her more but sometimes you just have to say "it is what it is". All relationships involve some level of compromise.
to be clear this is not about my being unhappy with the amount of time we are seeing each other. we've both been able to even with our kids see each other quite regulary and i'm very happy. this rather is about HER not feeling she has the time after work, family and our relationship, having time for doing the things she's told herself are important to her. her work is inordinately demanding and from that, all of her other life desires get compressed in to too small of an amount of time which causes her to sacrifice time with each resulting in her feel guilt over not being able to fully give enough of herself to each. i am totally fine with our ability to see each other and she is well aware of that. it's the pressure she puts on herself. i agree 100% with Ginger, she needs time for herself and in no way does that mean "it has to do with us". since the beginning with my knowing full well how little free time she would have as always given me more than enough to be happy.
AS...yep i have the traditional desk job, GF does not...she is off running here and there throughout many days of the week AND the weekend. I'm totally fine with rolling with it as well and I've told her that many times. I really know that she does care as she tells me regularly. I know this stresses her out and as I say it's not like she can magically switch jobs and immediately have a more balanced schedule. I do completely get how her life is and how it impacts our ability to see each other. right now though for her there's simply not enough HER time in the balance of her life and she needs more of it. this is fully a HER need and my saying I'm not getting enough.
Appreciate all of your comments. I'm happy to know that how I'm feeling and handling this is consistent with many of you whom I greatly respect.
Ginger...yep I know. Yesterday she sent me a positive message. Said she appreciated me, cared for me deeply and then said "I love you!!" with a kiss emoji. She said we are great at communicating and should speak more about how to use that skill to handle tough times when they come up for us.
I replied back, positively, but not over the top. Agreed that communication and us talking more would be helpful. Thing is, the way she sent the email...started off with "Hey there!" like we were strangers and not GF/BF/lovers. And then once I replied, no follow up from her. Like she said what she had to say and then done, nothing furher.
A bit later I got a picture from her with her new hairstyle. I replied that I liked it. For sure she was going out which is no real surprise as she doesn't have her kids on Wed, but usually I get a text from her about where she's going or who with. Not this time and nothing good night or anything.
So she is not being as she has been since we started dating. Gut feel/worse case/devil's advocate...there's someone else. Huge part of me feels like bailing out on this one, BUT am I being WAY WAY too quick to jump? The whole appreciate you, care deeply for you sounds friend-zonish, but then the "I love you!!"...honestly thinking like I want to bail just to not have to deal with this uncertainty any longer.
IF she wants to see you and spend time with you she will do whatever it takes to make it happen. I would not initiate any more contact with her and wait for her to reach out to you.
My boyfriend will sometimes say “hey there!” We don’t get all lovey dicey in every interaction.
Was there anything more to really say after you replied? Did she have to go to work? Was she taking care of her kids?
And “me” time could be going out with her girlfriends . That’s my “me” time. My BF and I have different ideas of “me” time, for him, it’s focusing on his hobbies, for me, it’s spending time with my friends.
