Thanks everyone. B never got home until well after dinner on Sunday. Her son got quite the ear-full I believe.
The settling in is taking time and patience. The "battle of the kitchen" continues. It was challenging again last night and I could feel myself getting frustrated. Mainly because while I was trying to make my lunch B was doing dishes and I ended up compromising and working around her. It didn't help that I've been very tired and stressed about a bunch of things both at home and work.
We know that this is a problem and B has made some suggestions that we need to talk about that will undoubtedly help.
B also asked me how I was doing on my diet and wasn't happy with my "poorly" answer. And also wasn't happy with my reasons. I've not been able to make time to go for my long walks, I'm eating dessert far more than I used to as well as home cooked meals. B is convinced that if I cut back on my beer consumption - which is undoubtedly higher than it should be - that that is the answer. Negotiations continue. The big part that we are working on together is what I eat for lunch and in the evening. I've been eating essentially the same lunch for the last 5 or 6 years and if I stay "good" it comes to about 1600 calories on those days. Post bomb-day - having reduced calories 4 days / week combined with a lot of walking gave me rapid weight loss and also has allowed me to drop weight consistently at other times.
B though is determined that when we can that we'll have dinner together in the evening. Including dessert. I'm working on adjusting my lunch to open up space in my daily caloric input for that. Getting out for my walks which I do quite enjoy is something that we need to work on. It's plain to me that despite in the early days of dating her saying that she loved long walks, our definitions are rather different.
One thing that sticks out quite a bit and is undoubtedly part of B's upbringing in a large Catholic Italian family is that she is upset at her perceived "lack of respect" that my now ex showed me during our marriage. She regards her as having failed in pretty much all the "wifely duties". Again - different attitudes and perceptions. While I knew my marriage wasn't super great, I was more or less content with what I had. B brings so much more that at times it is a bit overwhelming.
So - I'm tired, sometimes a bit grumpy and there was a love note in my lunch bag this morning which brightened my day.
Big day for B today. Today is the day that all of the things with her son and grandkids that had her under obligation are supposed to be finalized so that her son now has full custody and she's released. I have little doubt that the legal part will proceed smoothly. Having her son take more responsibility and reducing the amount that he takes advantage of his mother will be a work in progress for some time I expect.
It's also one of her grand-daughter's graduation from elementary school I believe and her STBX has made the 5 hour drive down and they will both attend and then presumably all go out to dinner / visit / hang out after. I expect it to be difficult for both of them. B has said that she's not expecting to be home until late. If they all focus on the grand-daughter then it will be fine but there are growing issues between them I believe related in large part I expect to the fact that I exist and that B is moving on with her life. There are also some money and "poor choice" issues that B feels he has made and has issues with that I'm staying waaay out of. This will be the first time they've been out together in a social situation since at least this past Christmas if not well before that.
But - working through things together. Certainly not easy and actually tougher than I thought it would be. In part though perhaps because B is nothing like the sort of person I expected to be with. She's much more loving and "traditional wife"ly for one things. I need to be sure that I continue to have my independence and continue to do the things that I like to do even if there is an overlap on what she thinks she "should" be doing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You got kinda used to being a bachelor and doing things your way. Now you're living with a woman who is used to "mothering".
I get it - I understand it from both sides. I too have gotten used to living on my own and doing things MY way - and I'm pretty loathe to give that up. At the same time, I'm so used to being the "mom" (and with CMM, the "doctor") that I have to really watch myself that I don't become overbearing in my caretaking.
Your retelling of the grandkids’ spirited behaviours sure brought back the memories.
W ran a daycare out of our house, and we raise our own 4 children. So for 24 years we had toddlers around, at least 12 hours a day, and of course full time as my three sons and one daughter moved through the terrible twos - and all the other stages.
Doors, child gates, toys, and lots of outside time.
Make an area for the kids to be in, to be be able to play freely. Luckily I have pocket doors between the living room and what would be the dining room. A few child gates, play rug, toy boxes, and voila, the dining room became a playroom. Kids had access to this playroom, kitchen, back room, and bathroom - unfettered. Anywhere else required some opening of doors or the removal of a child gate.
This is the area that they knew was their’s to play in. The kitchen table was not a play ground. You ate meals at it, and coloured or did other appropriate activities.
Kids need boundaries, known limits of what and where they can explore. Setting out the physical boundaries is rather straight forward, stay in the yard, child gates, and so on. The emotional boundaries are just as important. And yes kids push and bang on an emotional limit just as much as a physical child gate. Which surprisingly is not much once they realize how solid they are.
Of course you do not have grandkids there full time so permanently rearranging your house layout is not desired, however some temporary rearrangement may bring more peaceful future visits from the little tykes.
Something that always stuck with me: I remember my Grandma taking me and my sister on a tour of the house. She showed us all the rooms and explained which ones were off limit and why. Grandpa’s room for example was off limit, he had prescription drugs and supplies, if we ate any we could get very sick. The door was usually closed, and even if it wasn’t I felt no need to explore that room - there just wasn’t anything unknown in there to look into. I have found that idea to ring true over the years with the 120+ kids that have grown up here.
I do enjoy reading about you and B. You and I have walked our paths “together” for a while and I feel an affinity to your situation. So you know where I’m coming from.
Compromise is needed in any relationship. Including in the kitchen. I am sure you and B will work it out.
You made a comment about seeing B less than when you were dating - spending quality time together not just seeing her.
Go on a date!
Make that a priority!
Most of the other stuff we fill our lives with can wait - really. You and her are forging your lives together, that is and should be one of your higher priorities.
Imagine her surprise when Andrew, after supper leaves the dishes and counter a mess and says - It’s a beautiful sunset, let’s go to the beach and enjoy it. Walk slowly hand in hand, barefoot, sand slipping between your toes, a couple of hours talking and being with each other as the last rays of the day cast long shadows of the two of you - together.
And leave the dishes to the next day. There’s magic in the air, don’t squander it.
Just some thoughts for you to consider my friend.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Haha I think you just made Andrew very uncomfortable!
You know me so well kml
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Missed posting actual content earlier this week. Not too much is happening that is documentable here. I don't expect much between now and the weekend either.
One thing I like about the relationship with B is that we, and especially she is really working on making it work.
We talked about the "Battle of the kitchen" and she has said / and acted on it by giving me the space to finish up making my lunch and by getting dishes done ahead of time.
I'm hoping that we do get to spend time together this weekend. I actually have no idea what she's up to. Her plans seem to change with the breezes. She mentioned on Saturday that she may go watch the local pipe band an hour's drive away with a friend and her friend's kids with her providing them transport. As an after-thought she asked if I might like to go. She may or may not spend a bunch of time at the cottage. She's uncertain.
I'd suggested some time ago that I was looking forward to finally having an "us" weekend which we haven't had for a month. Perhaps shop for a new mattress, flooring or other exciting adventures. Given that we've only been together for not much over a month, that would be nice and was part of what I was expecting.
She has diagnosed me as having OCD, comparing me to her autistic step-son which I wasn't very flattered with. She's not used to someone who makes plans, sticks to them (generally) and who can be counted on to do what's expected when expected. Insert LOL here. Having raised 6 kids and having had access to a lake-side cottage, she's used to dropping everything to deal with a kid issue or hide from everything at the cottage, especially in the summer and especially in recent years. The idea of hanging around the house and painting or doing maintenance or just relaxing is foreign to her. As is making a plan and sticking to it. She also came from a retired partner to one where it's long and full days plus time on weekends for me.
She's asked me "what do you do on a long weekend" and was confused that I used those to get caught up on things - that it wasn't a reason to head for the cottage which I've never had. And for my part - there's stuff that needs to get done and there's never been anyone else to do it. Sure you can let it slide a bit but not for long.
We're finding our way. We both get frustrated. While this is somewhat unexpected, it's not unexpected. We're finding out more and more about who the other person really is. She has traits like my ex-wife did in not getting things done, having good intentions but missing the execution of the plans, leaving drawers open etc that frustrated me. I can deal with that. B jokingly went around the kitchen last night and announced that she had closed the cupboard doors. I checked and neither cat was trapped inside - this time. I am positive that there are a number of things about me that she finds similarly frustrating. I have this thing about having a clean counter, putting the toilet lids down and doing the groceries and laundry on Saturdays. 'Cuz that's the day for doing groceries and laundry.
I'm adapting, she's adapting, we're working on it.
The cats are also adapting. She almost pet one yesterday.
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Weird dream last night and I dream so vividly that it's hard to separate fact from fiction in the morning. S24 was rattling around his room last night opening and closing drawers. I had had a vivid dream that he was moving out, that his mother was there with a truck. I waved and wished him well.
Even though we do try to be quiet, I'm sure that he finds it awkward to hear the various noises on the other side of the wall. Given that the last time he lived there with his mother and I was 6 years ago now and that sort of stuff was "very" rare and when it happen it happened quietly and quickly on a Sunday morning - it's certainly something that I'm sure he's uncomfortable with. The almost every night and for a fairly long time with enthusiasm is a nice change for me I will say.
He's also having to deal with having a "stranger" in the house. No clue if his mother is encouraging his independence and his car has been parked for a few days now. I do still hope that she will get / continue to be involved in encouraging him.
Happy Dominion Day for Monday - or as some would say Happy Canada Day! Yes - he's slow to change. The name did change in 1983. Please clean, paint and cut the grass responsibly If you are drinking and using fireworks please document the location of your eyebrows for later reference.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh honey, I could have told you that. Except, most likely, it's not OCD but OCPD. Having finally figured out that this is what's going on with CMM, I see the signs in you too.
What's the difference, you might ask, between Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? People with OCD are often disturbed by it - they don't WANT to wash their hands a hundred times a day, for example, but it makes them too anxious if they don't. People with OCPD however don't have insight and think their way of doing things is just the way things should be and why doesn't everybody else do it the same way too?
Now I think in your case "disorder" is too strong a word. But you DO have your fixed ideas about how things should be and you're not very flexible about other people's ways of doing things. (CMM also hates changes to the schedule and spontaneous changes in plans. ) I've wondered too if CMM might be somewhere on the autism spectrum (he plays chess and always has a trifold brochure of some sort sticking out of his back pocket, as if he might get stuck somewhere without reading material, even though he has a cell phone!). Still, if he is, it's exceedingly mild.
None of this is necessarily bad - but they are differences that will have to be understood and negotiated around. Hopefully you can be a more flexible participant in those negotiations than CMM is. And the more you can vocalize what bothers you (do you prefer to do the dishes because you don't feel like others clean as well as you? Do you just enjoy putting things in order? ) and make clear requests (I would like to spend all day Sunday with you so please don't make any plans. Here, what would you like to do with me that day, A, B or C?)
People with OCPD however don't have insight and think their way of doing things is just the way things should be and why doesn't everybody else do it the same way too?
LOL. Waves
Thanks kml
I am likely on the spectrum somewhere. INTJ on Meyers Briggs. IQ somewhere in the 140s last time I checked.
I always get surprised by the average person's lack of ability to "focus"
B on the other hand although smart in her own way dropped out of school at 17
We both recognize this is a thing and I am blessed that she is patient with me. She and to a slightly lesser degree I try to talk about anything bothering us before it becomes a problem. It will undoubtedly always be a work in progress.
I do get embarrassed actually when B does go on about how smart I am. I've met lots of people much more capable at many different things than I am including her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
BTW - kml - thank you so much for sharing your opinions and insights. They help more than you can know.
I've redacted a long and far too detailed post. The weekend isn't turning out like I'd hoped. B is off to babysit her GK for at least a while, then is planning on going to the cottage tonight or Sunday - she's not sure and staying overnight to visit with her sisters. So I'm not sure where she will be or what she's up to on the weekend. She did say that she would be home for dinner on Monday night and cook the meal she promised last week then. We'll see.
We had a talk about trust and about people doing what they said that they'll do and how that was a big issue for me in my former marriage. She assured me that I can trust her but that things were a bit crazy for her right now. One of the reasons I push back on some of the things that she says she'll do to help is that I don't trust that they'll get done. She offered to do my laundry and the sheets and towels and was annoyed when I stopped her stripping the bed. I knew that she had to be out of here this morning and that there was no certainty about when / if she'd be back today and I need sheets to sleep on.
We also talked about her realization that the life I am used to and that I lead isn't anything like what she was used to. From being a little girl, going away on the weekend was always a thing with cottages always being available. The idea of spending a weekend puttering around at home and getting things done is foreign to her.
She's running in all sorts of directions. She still drops everything for S38 and he is her son and he does need some help with this or that. I'm annoyed that in the month and a bit that she's been here that we've only had perhaps one weekend for just us and that was at least a month ago. It is what it is. I've asked for her time. She's said yes - and then goes and does something different.
She also commented that the stairs are really giving her a problem and she's not keen on the house and doesn't know if she can hold out for the 10 years that I said that I wanted to stay here as a minimum.
Just between us, there are times that I consider throwing in the towel. Then I think of sunk costs and back away on believing that they matter. She's working hard to make this work I think. I'm working hard on it too. If it does work out - it will be very very good. But we have a lot of work to do and we both know that. And regardless no matter who I would have invited in to my life, there will be a lot of work and a lot of baggage to deal with. I'm not the sort to give up when the going gets tough and TBH - there really aren't any "heck no" indications. Just two people with different backgrounds who are both willing to give it a try. And who are willing to admit it if it doesn't work.
One thing that worries me and worried me from the beginning is that B has I would expect few options other than me if we do part ways. Sure there are other mature single men out there. Most of whom would be going for younger, better educated, more attractive women. If she moved out of this big house since she's not getting spousal support (I know - long story - her business not mine) she would move in to a rented room or very small apartment. It would be all she could afford. The cynic in me doesn't like to think that she's staying for that reason. The cynic in me also knows that well before the 3 year mark that would indicate common-law that there will be a very clear and simple agreement in place. My plan is to do that this fall which gives us a chance to think about if this will work and for some of the chaos in her life to settle down.
And - many months after she first mentioned it, she finally got me to clean up her computer for her. What a lot of crap. It was essentially unusable. I promised to not look at any nude pictures that may be on there and TBH other than checking the available disk space, I've not browsed.
Time for me to get my usually busy Saturday under way. Alone.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - it's not like we all didn't warn you against moving in together so soon. But that being said - I think it might be useful to separate issues into two categories: things that are going to be an issue living with anybody, and things that are unique to B.
Conflicts that arise around using the kitchen, laundering the sheets etc. : you're going to encounter these with anyone you live with. Since she's not a slob and likes to clean, this is really about you and your love of routine and is going to come up in any relationship. This is for you to figure out.
As for the differences in how you like to spend your time: she's a social person with a wide circle of friends and family. You seem reluctant to go stay at the lake and join in the socializing. She also has demands on her time from grandkids etc. To negotiate these differences will require some clear asking for what each other wants, and some accommodation.
I encounter this with CMM. I have family living with me who all have issues going on and need my time and attention. I have a best friend of thirty years who is used to doing things with me. I have musical performances and professional obligations. I have other friendships that need maintaining.
CMM for a variety of reasons doesn't have these other social obligations. He depends on me for his social time and doesn't like sharing me with others, especially if it's a spontaneous invite. This leaves me in a very uncomfortable position where I feel like I'm struggling to meet the needs of everyone in my life who needs me. It would be much easier on me if CMM was either more social and spontaneous (as in "sure, invite your friend over for dinner tonight, I'll pick up an extra steak") OR had more of an independent social life of his own ("hey I'm going golfing with the guys, why don't you and your friend go to that movie without me")
As for the house - it's a bit presumptuous to talk about you selling the house this early in the relationship, but it's not an unusual concern to think about stairs and aging. I have a two story house but good knees and just consider it good exercise. But knee problems run in the family and it may become an issue in old age.
Why don't you volunteer to join her out at the lake this evening after you're done with your house puttering? And maybe make concrete plans for one day next weekend for the two of you?
If you are drinking and using fireworks please document the location of your eyebrows for later reference.