Well, a little bit. Though the marriage isn't in limbo either. As far as I'm concerned, it's dead and done except for the paperwork. Which I will get to when I am ready to do it.
What a great response Alison. With the right attitude the world can be your Oyster. There will be sadness once in a while but you are a well rounded understanding person who has a lot to offer to the world. Make us proud, you can do it , just make sure you update so you can shine a light
re: paperwork. Has either of you filed? I'm sorry I don't remember from your sitch.
I had to spend some time grieving the old MR. My IC told me it was dead. I didn't want to hear it at the time, but when I spent time there and well and truly accepted it, I was able to look ahead and start to figure out what I wanted. When I was honest, I realized that I didn't want the old MR back.
That is a huge step and I believe it's in the right direction. Like so many say here, we might/might not want a R with them again, but not where they are now. I like your confidence.
I'm wishing you all the joy and peace right now. hugs
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
No, neither of us has filed. If I know H as I think I do, he'll bury his head in the sand and do nothing unless I file myself first. We did make an agreement on how to handle finances that I was happy with, but it's a handshake gentleman's agreement, nothing legal - and I am not sure how I feel yet about having to trust he wlll meet those responsibilities. If he doesn't, then I will need to either tolerate that type of cake-eating, or file myself, and I'm not there yet. I know I am determined, but underneath the determination I am deeply hurt and I want to work on that and resolve it or come through it first, so I am not making legal decisions with anything other than a rational head. I don't feel rushed. The emotional bond Is broken, I think. It's sad and I need to grieve it, but it is also freeing.
I guess I'm just very very disappointed. I did believe, even though I tried not to, that what he said about prioritising us and the marriage repair once May was over was what he'd do. And of course that hasn't happened - I still think he wants to be able to do it, but he can't. And I think the best thing I can do is get out the way so he can realise on his own that the fact that he can't is to do with him and not me. He can have that realisation or not, he can respond to realising it - if he does - in whatever way he chooses. But none of that is to do with me. I suspect arguing with me distracts him from what's really going on with him, so in a way the kindest and most loving thing I can do is get out the way and let him have his fight with himself.
underneath the determination I am deeply hurt and I want to work on that and resolve it or come through it first, so I am not making legal decisions with anything other than a rational head.
As long as he is keeping up his end of the bargain, I think this is very wise. And of COURSE you are deeply hurt. I don't think detaching/GAL & 180 means you don't hurt, I just think it means what you do with the hurt matters.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
I think the best thing I can do is get out the way so he can realise on his own that the fact that he can't is to do with him and not me. He can have that realisation or not, he can respond to realising it - if he does - in whatever way he chooses. But none of that is to do with me. I suspect arguing with me distracts him from what's really going on with him, so in a way the kindest and most loving thing I can do is get out the way and let him have his fight with himself.
In my opinion, this is what standing for your marriage means. It isn't waiting, it is allowing them to go through their stuff. You may/may not be willing to R when H comes through, but no matter what, you are growing.
Detachment is hard, and I can't say that I do it perfectly. I still love my H to pieces, but in letting him go and watching this go down, I've learned that the best way I can love him is from a distance. Like a lighthouse. (have you read that one? I don't know how to link, but I refer back to it quite a bit)
Stay strong and take care of yourself.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
It was Youngest's birthday weekend this weekend and I saw a fair bit of H. We had a children's party and he was around and helpful during that - very friendly and sharing the work of setting up, entertaining and cleaning up. I'm glad he was in good form - Youngest had a really nice time and I'm grateful at the very least we can still give him that.
We did family presents this morning, and H was here for that too. I worried that I'd feel sad or regretful about our situation, and like it was all a bit fake, but actually it was fine. Fun, even. Eldest and H even got on and shared a joke or two, and I was grateful for that too - that there was a nice bit of time all together.
I found it very easy not to have any expectations. There was no R talk or even the sniff of it. I felt relaxed, and ready for him to leave when he did.
I hope we're able to do that again when the kids need it: they're more important than either of us in this situation, and the fact H was able to put his own moods and criticisms to one side and show his happy side for his children - whatever the truth of his feelings or thoughts were on the day - made me respect him a little more. I have no hopes that he's capable of being a good husband, but I was grateful to see he could be a good father for this weekend.
He was also polite to me - and thanked me for the work and effort I'd put into the party and the part I'd played in making it go well. This is new. We usually have H's family around on birthday weekends but I'd said no to that about a month ago. He didn't like it and was pretty rude about it at the time, but had since made arrangements of his own for Youngest and his family - which is more appropriate - and there was no reference or complaint about it this weekend. I'm glad about that.
I have a busy week ahead - work mainly, and some meetings with friends to keep up the GAL. The kids have about three weeks of school left before they break up for summer so I want to get on top of all my admin and tax stuff while i have the chance.
This is great to read. Something has changed in your updates recently -- it seems you are starting to create some space from him, setting firmer some boundaries for yourself, and thus you are detaching a bit. Consequently, It seems that he is noticing and treating you with more respect. I am also sensing that you are feeling better and more confident overall. ... I totally agree that both parents have to put their drama aside and put the kids needs first. As long as it is for the kids benefit only, then family time is not necessarily cake eating for him. Sounds like you both are able to do that. Bravo! ... Keep on this path and you will continue to see these positive results ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I am really impressed that you are able to put the kids first in this situation. My W and I aren't separated, but I think if she does, there is no way I could talk to her friendly again. I would be too hurt. I am sure that over time this pain would dissipate.
