The less empowering result of this path of thinking is that I’m realizing I’ve been completely blocking out the possibility/reality that he very well may be seeing someone now. Now that I’m allowing those thoughts in I realize that I am not detached at all because I feel that old heart broken feeling I haven’t felt ( or let myself face reality enough to feel) in a long time. That thought sickens me and it breaks my heart all over again. I know I need to use this pain to fuel my resolve to detach, like Blu said. I wish I knew just how to do that.
Blu— This is going to sound weird, but this last exchange we had was an actual, cosmic/spiritual/psychic/very powerful thing. After I read what you wrote I experienced almost a film reel in fast forward through my head. I thought about what you said about the anger and resentment we LBS would feel if we accepted that our H was probably having an affair. Well, as it happens, the girl I thought was a fling my H had after he moved out, he’s been dating her for the last 10 months. I had to know, so I broke the rules and pressed a bit and now I know. I’m nearly shattered. But not quite. I was meant to have this information now. It’s what I needed. In some way you directed me to it and despite the immense pain I’m in right now, I’m truly grateful for it. It scares me to realize that I could allow myself to be in such denial. It blows my mind. All this time. All this time. All I want is the strength to drop this rope. I deserve so much better than this. I’ve been a fool, but I will not beat myself up for it. I just need to use it to drop. This. Rope. If you have anything more for me Blu, I’ll take anything. Thank you for guiding me to where I needed to be.
And the part I can not wrap my head around is why hasn’t this man divorced me?? Maybe this is just me fooling myself again, but I feel like if could understand that part than could let go faster. I feel like that this is the piece that has kept me hanging on, had kept me thinking “he must still XYZ”. Any insight?
There are so many reasons why this may be the case:
He doesn't want to stick the knife in Doesn't want to do the hard work Isn't yet getting pressure from the OW The reality of D might shatter his lovely fantasy world It doesn't make any difference to him - why bother He wants to force you to be the 'bad guy' so he can tell everyone that it was your idea He wants to see how things work out with OW before he gives you up totally - a firm plan B etc
The point is; we don't know and it is likely he doesn't know. Does it matter? No. Because what you do is not going to be dependent on what he is or isn't doing.
This is one of the main purposes of GAL. To make you see that you are strong enough to say 'I matter' I am not an accessory or a safe option to his narcissism.
Let's be really honest with ourselves. He thought so little of you and your M that he found his sexual gratification elsewhere. His personal pleasure was the only important thing. That's narcissism in my book. So, leave him to it.
We hear a lot here about not being able to control other people you can only control yourself etc. This is usually aimed at the LBS who wants to fix things and make them see the error of their ways. But don't forget that it applies to you as well; ie you are letting him control you. Is that what you want? Is that what you, or anybody, deserves?
You are fooling yourself if you believe this is about you. It is all about him. But only if you let it.
I'm furious on your behalf. He sees someone else behind your back all this time and he comes into your house and makes PANCAKES?! What a shabby, shabby way to treat someone you're married to. I think it's a good thing you know, it will give you the determination to let go of him. Hugs, that must have been a shock but denial is a very natural reaction. You're a good person, you expect other people to be good as well. He's not, he's rotten inside.
oh HopeCA - I am so sorry to hear that. It must be crushing. I can see that you're shocked and also perhaps not surprised - and I second everything Yorkie has said. He might have any number of reasons for what he's done and the way he's failed to communicate to you about it. Any number. And none of them make it okay, and none of them change what is the healthiest thing for you to do next.
Perhaps now is the time to let yourself be angry. It can be damaging and corrosive and ugly, but it can also put the fire in your belly needed to get yourself out of a bad situation, set some boundaries, and make some positive changes for yourself.
Thank you all. You are all completely right. I’m absolutely perplexed that I could have been so stupid and blind. I am many many things but nobody would ever call me naive. I feel like I’ve let myself down. All this time everything that was happening was against the backdrop of him being in a relationship with someone else. How could I not know. How could my insurance fail me so completely. Hi could he get out of bed with someone else and then come into my house and make breakfast? How could he treat me and put perfect daughter like disposable waste? How can this be real. I want to be mad at him, and I am, but I’m much angrier at myself at the moment.
AND right before this revelation was made he invited me to go with him and our daughter to his best friends sons birthday party. Why in the name of god would he want me to be there? Is he trying to humiliate me? I’m totally thrown.
(((Hope))) HUGS!!! BIG HUGS! I feel you, sister! I have been here before and it is soooo confusing and a whirlwind of emotions ... We are all here for you and in your corner. You are not alone. It hurts to know the truth, but I believe it will eventually set you free. I am glad that you now know. There are others here that do not know, or may never know, but I am certain there are OW in their sitches too. And it really does change how we want to handle things when we have been betrayed in this way . ....
I have so much I want to tell you, but I am having a busy morning at work and can't sit at the computer. I will do as soon as I can. Hopefully in a few hours or right after work.
In the mean time. Read my words, please! I have been in this same spot.
- This will not break you; you are a strong woman and mother. You are going to come out of this stronger than before with him or without him. I promise you!
- This is not your fault and you have not caused this. All Ms and Rs have issues that come and go. None of this ever justifies or excuses the choice he made to have an A and to leave his family. He is making bad choices.
- You do not have to make any sudden moves or changes. You may want to, but don't. Wake up every morning and read Sandi's rules and then read them at bed. Try your best to follow them -- trust those words -- they are your guide. They will preserve your integrity.
- Start tip toeing back from him and remove yourself. LESS you do or say is MORE. Do not share your thoughts, feelings or plans with him. Keep that ALL safe to your vest. Share only with your close and very trusted IC, friends and family. If he tries to talk, explain or push you -- mostly listen and say very little.
- If you are in a corner and are forced to talk, you can say. "I have a lot to think about right now." "I need to focus on what is best for me and D3 right now." "I am not ready to talk about this right now." Poker face. EXIT convo. It is better that you take a giant step back from him now. You can also have all communications be in email about D and finances.
- I promise things will not stay this way.
- It hurts like h3ll. The worst pain. Cry, scream, yell. Let is out. Only with your safe people.
- Then you allow a break from the pain. You can stick it in a jar and shove it in the back of the cupboard and come back to it. Then, you take care of you.
- Most important now. SELF CARE. GAL and do what you need to do to love yourself and cherish yourself right now. No one else can heal this but you. Start today. Learning to love and heal yourself is the greatest silver linining in this cr-p situation.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
There’s lots I want to say to you but either other people have said it better or I cannot express it properly. Your words and kindness here and HONESTY has shown what a great person you are . The pain of your thoughts won’t last forever and soon this will be behind you . BIG MAN hugs from me
Thank you so much for this Blu. Knowing you have been just where I am now and reading your words is really helpful to me. I was feeling strong and suddenly I feel adrift in a sea of pain. But your advice and assurance is something to hang on to and stay afloat. I made an emergency appointment with my IC. I’m going to follow your advice, and I look forward to hearing what else you have to say! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
