So so new to this :(

[Gerda]

Nyla, I will definitely do this. I am teaching a crazy crash course this week and have no free time but I will do it in a few days. Don't make any decisions about your future with H. Just let him go for now and put it all in that little box I mentioned, let the flowers grow over it. He is not in his right mind right now and won't be for a long long while. He will do many disgusting things. Just don't look. Look at something beautiful instead -- your daughters, the ocean, a flower in a vase, a beautiful book, the stars. If you are religious, look at God!

XOXOXO Nyla

[Gerda]

My XW flaunted her affair and adultery. At one point early on she came to the house to discuss getting divorced and told us that 30 minutes ago she and OM just had sex. Really? So a quick shower, pull on some jeans, and come over here. I didn’t want to know that, and I’m sure my son really didn’t need that seared into his mind either.

Oh my gosh. DNJ, you often don't give details; this may be partly because you are a MAN and we ladies like to go over the details, but maybe it's also because you are so Good and true, you just focus on what is good and beautiful and true. But when I read the above, my heart broke for the DnJ that you were at that moment that she did that. Oh my gosh how horrible. My H has been doing God knows what since BD but he has so much shame about it that he would never let the kids know. Who would have thought I could see that as a positive! But what your XW did in front of your son, WOW.

((DnJ))

[R678]

Dnj ,I don’t know what to say to that I feel for you I really do that must of hurt beyond hurt ,why do they have to be so cruel . That must of cut to the quick .so so wrong

[Nyla79]

Hi again and thank you all for your messages <3

I’m still in my hometown for one more week. It has been therapeutic but at the same time very hard to be here. All the memories are popping up and when I’ve spent time at our summer cabin, I just don’t understand why he’s throwing all this away. I’m just so sad now…

I haven’t dealt with the pictures issue yet as H is not in the same country as I am. I have thought that I won’t allow him to have the kids at his place for a while now. Not that any of them would even go. They’re all protesting this new relationship and the OW moving in and saying they will not go and stay at his house while she lives there. Except my oldest (D14) did say she might go just to mess with the OW. I said to her that even if she would manage to smoke this woman out of her fathers life, it doesn’t mean he would come back home, he might just find someone else. That he will not come back until he wants to, and that might not even happen at all. I just don’t want her to have false hope.

I talked with a lawyer last week and the clock on our divorce has not started because I haven’t returned the signed papers to the court yet. This means that I don’t have to rush to move out of our house because while we are legally married, he is obligated to support me and the children and in the country where I live I can file a court order to make sure he does that. If not, the court will seize his salary. Which is good, I think, as I just saw his credit card statement and he has spent close to 1 000 € on hotels and what not with the OW just in the last month.

I have started to feel if there’s any point in standing for our marriage. I don’t know who this person is anymore, and I wouldn’t want him back the way he is. And knowing how proud he is, I doubt he could ever even come back if/when he comes out of the fog. I just feel that he has hurt me and the kids too much.
Now that I have spent time at our summer cabin alone I have also realized that I really do not need him in my life, and then of course I have started to think if I want him in my life anymore. Our summer cabin is on an island and I’ve always been quite timid when it comes to driving the boat, and spending nights there alone without him. Now in the past week I’ve endured a crazy, blinding fog that surrounded me and the kids while we were driving the boat to the island, and storm that stranded us to the island for two days and having to drive the boat thru the same storm because we ran out of food on the island. All this I survived and feel so empowered by it!

So now I’m wondering has too much happened? I’m tired of trying to deal with this all and trying to be a good parent for the kids at the same time. I constantly question my actions, like what I talk to them about, do I tell them too much, am I talking to them as their age requires? This is all so unfair.

Oh DnJ, I can just feel the pain your wife caused by flaunting her adultery to you. Why do they have to be so cruel to us? We’re already having to deal with so much in all this.

Gerda, I have tried to focus on beautiful things, and most of the time I am actually quite happy, I look at my kids and I’m so thankful that I have them and even though I would have never wished this upon us, it has made me even closer with my kids. They can talk to me about anything now, and I really like that. I’m also so proud of them for standing up for the values and morals we have been raising them with, even when it means they’re standing up against their father.

I don’t know if I’m feeling like giving up now because I’m just tired or what it is. I just miss my old life.

[peacetoday]

Hi Nyla

Im not sure I would want to deal with the fog/storm/no food on the island but it sounds like you made it through and grew front he experience

Im so glad you checked the credit card so you can see he probably will have spending issues as most MLCer do
so you can protect yourself and all the money he has spent on hotels?

As for the kids, Its good they they can feel comfortable talking with you and I would keep any conversations about H and OW very neutral and use every stalling technique under the sun for allowing them to go to his apartment at all
They don't want to and that should be enough for now-
I would talk to D 14 only in neutral ways about his

Divorce sometimes happen..
people grow apart
Its not his fault
He still loves you
He may just be going through a rough transition
People sometimes have MLC and mental issues
We can't help him
We can lovingly let H go
His relationships are not our business as this time
we wish them the best
we are a family and that is enough

My kids just accepted these statements
maybe they formed their own conclusions but we never needed to discuss it
My xh kept OW away from us and then after about 2 years they married and moved to another area
We have no contact except an occasional message from OW to me or his sisters stating how miserable her life it with him
I think they D and got back together but I lost touch or care about it
I never respond

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

I am glad your time at the summer cabin was beneficial - realizing you really don’t “need” H in your life. I know just how wonderful and sad that realization is; have faith the sad feeling is just that - a feeling - it will fade. Wonderful does take over and becomes more, stay the course.

Great job navigating the fog and storm. What an excellent adventure for you and your kids. Pretty sure you have gone up a few notches in role model status. Definitely being the best Mom you can be. (((Nyla)))

Nice to see you have some legal information and it is good. And I agree with peacetoday, it’s a good idea to have checked the credit card and see the spending. It sounds like you are watching and taking steps to protect yourself and the kids, well done.

I haven’t dealt with the pictures issue yet as H is not in the same country as I am.

This is a good thing, as odd as that might sound. The picture issue wasn’t going to be dealt with well while it was boiling and bubbling over. After a week has passed I am sure those feelings of rage have subsided and you can look at it with a more intellectual approach.

I get what you are saying: You haven’t dealt with the picture issue yet - with H.

However, you have being dealing about the pictures with your kids and yourself. The very places you can exert control. Just want to reframe that a bit.

A suggestion for you (which you may have noticed in the previous two statements). Drop the word issue. It make it an issue. Yes, the picture are vulgar, insensitive, not appropriate, mindlessly unprotected from children’s view, and so on. However, an issue elevates this even more and puts H on the defensive, and if you want to remedy this, him being defensive is not going to be helpful.

Also issue implies it needs a solution. Of course you and kids need a solution, or more accurate a resolution since this really cannot be solved - by you. That is the problem by making this an issue (for you), the solution is beyond your control.

A solution is when all sides of the problem are, well for lack of a better word, solved. All parties agree to work towards the “fix”.

A resolution is more an accepting “solution”. A single party can find a “solution” that fixes things for themselves, while the problem, which is totally beyond their control, still remains unsolved. That, I think sums up our best interactions with our MLCer quite well.

So, deal with the pictures for what they are, and find a resolution that protects the kids. Something you have already being doing with the discussions with the kids. Do you need to fight an issue with H? With no issue, you can just place a boundary on his pictures / devices and find a resolution. Something to consider.

I share this because I have had to deal with many “issues” with XW. None were ever solved. I did, however, find resolution to the event, her behaviour, her actions. The flaunting adultery is such an example, what an unsolvable issue. However, it was completely within my realm to resolve, to find acceptance.

By the way Nyla, Gerda, and R678. Yes that was one of many crazy painful things that XW did. She behaved terribly. And I suffered terribly, something I learned was within my control to grow and move from. I existed for months in a dark abyss, surrounded by my demons and fears, and I could not see a way out. In time the light shined through and pushed back the darkness. Anyone reading along - no matter where you are in your journeys, no matter how dark things seem, have hope, and have faith - it will get better!

Finding acceptance and realizing the MLCer needs to be that cruel to try to justify their actions, provided my resolution of this. XW has to do what she has to do - it is well beyond my control. She expends great energies maintaining her fantasy, she has to. When / if it comes crashing down, what then? She cannot accept that, she must find a way to push back those thoughts.

However, I am a hopeful guy. I think the MLCer eventually might find their resolution / acceptance to their pain - just like I did for mine. Wouldn’t that be a nice thing? I live pretty much pain free and fear free. I would love XW to experience that as well.

Sorry about my meanderings there Nyla.

I have started to feel if there’s any point in standing for our marriage.

You are doing some very good reflecting and digging within yourself. One does reach the point of questioning standing.

Try this - Stand for our your marriage.

I know what a weird ride this. Focus on you. Find your beliefs and values. Stand for you!

I just don’t understand why he’s throwing all this away. I’m just so sad now…

I don’t know if I’m feeling like giving up now because I’m just tired or what it is. I just miss my old life.

Letting go is hard.

There will be a time when you look at this less as what he has thrown away, what you have lost, and more of what you have been blessed with.

I miss my my old life too, and love my new one. It probably seems strange to think and feel that living like that is possible. It is possible and not even that strange - anymore.

I’ve endured a crazy, blinding fog that surrounded me and the kids...

All this I survived and feel so empowered by it!

Like the summer cabin. You will weather the fog and storm of this situation, of that I have no doubt. You are one tough and compassionate gal.

I totally understand all the uncertainty of your actions with the kids, the responsibilities, the lack of help from H, it can be a bit overwhelming - at first.

You will find a strength you never knew you had. Abilities you may have doubted, overlooked, and didn’t even recognize. You are surviving this storm and I see how empowered you are.

You’ve got this.

DnJ

[Nyla79]

Peacetoday, I try to remain neutral, but I do think that I have failed at times. I do laugh if they say something bad about the OW if it is funny ( I know I shouldn’t)

I never let them talk badly about their father nor do I do it, but when it comes to her, sometimes I just can’t help myself. I did try to talk to the kids about her and her not necessary being a bad person but just a woman who has been fed lies to, but none of them wanted to hear that. They think she’s scum for being with a married person, which I kind of have to agree. But thank you for giving me the phrases, maybe I can try to use them when they have questions.


(((DnJ)))

I need you to sit on my shoulder and help me make sense of this all, every day. What a wonderful man you are. Your wife has to be in such a deep, deep fog if she can’t see you as the gem that you are <3

How do you read what I write and then make sense about it the way you do?
I am much calmer now. I do realize the damage has been done and there’s no point getting into a fight or confrontation about it. I loved your idea of dropping the word issue and making a boundary out of this instead.

One thing about the MLC and cruelty again when it comes to my H, he still keeps on being “nice” to me. He still doesn’t slash out on me, never talks mean to me. He’s almost like a bunny in bushes, whenever something unpleasant comes along, he hides his head and pretends he’s not responsible or doesn't see it) So all the other signs of MLC are there except for the obvious cruelty. I don’t know why… it confuses me. It’s almost like it makes me angry with him when he’s being nice to me and then I have to (again) control myself. Maybe that is some sort of manipulation too… Now I have Phil Collins song "Separate lives" playing in my head

I really like this “Stand for you”.

And the part when you quoted my own words about the crazy, blinding fog and surviving it, oh DnJ, you always bring out the epiphanies like that! (What do you do for a living?!?)

[DnJ]

Hello Nyla

I’m glad you’re calmer and feeling better.

You asked what I do for a living.

I work with, repair, and maintain high voltage electrical apparatus. The transmission and sub transmission equipment that supplies the distribution system which in turn supplies the customer. Basically I work on the equipment that supplies electricity to the cities, towns, and province.

I am in charge of 9 other Electrical Technicians. Me and my team look after 40 stations and cover an area of about 10,000 square miles.

I keep the lights on, and push back the darkness.

DnJ

[Nyla79]

DnJ, I would have thought you are working in some kind of social field, helping people. Maybe a therapist or something. You have such way with words and helping people see clearer. You definitely keep my lights on and push back my darkness. <3


My H came to my hometown for work so I asked if we could see each other, because we have to pay bills and such again. I just came back from meeting with him. It was a weird meeting. He seemed quite sad and tired, whereas I was being very upbeat and casual. I told him we need to talk about alimonies and assets and such, and he again said that we could just keep everything together. I said of course we could, but I don’t think we should.


I told him I want the summerhouse, the boat and the boat trailer, he can have the house we own (The summerhouse is so important to him, well to us, but more so to him). I also told him that now the clock is ticking on our divorce and on the 27th of December he can file for the final divorce. He commented “So you returned the papers” I said yes, even though I didn’t. They were handed to me by the court officer, so I couldn’t refuse them anymore. But now he thinks I’m ready for divorce. I don’ know if that’s good or bad.


As I was calmly talking about the assets and the divorce, he was visibly holding back tears. I pretended not to notice. When I told him I was going to ask for full custody because of his travelling and such, just on paper, he asked if I was going to stay in Spain. I told him it was my intention. He was having hard time talking because he was so emotional. (He is not an emotional man usually)


He then told me that he has been offered a job that would make him travel a lot more. He told me that I’m the only person he’s told this, even the OW does not know. (I think he was trying to get a reaction from me) I asked if it was what he wanted? And he said that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. That it is hard to figure it out. What you want, I asked and he said yes. I said you should try to figure it out, it’s so important. Then I encouraged him to take the job, as it is the kind of job he’s been wanting to have for a long time. I think he was surprised by my reply. Earlier I have always said to him that I wouldn’t want him to take that kind of a job while the kids are still at home. Now it really doesn’t matter.

I feel the meeting went well, I think he really feels that I have detached, which I hope gives him the freedom he’s been wanting to have. I also think that living with this OW and the kids rejecting him for it, is bringing him down.

I told him that the kids do not want to meet her, and that he needs to respect that. He said he knows, and he will not try force it upon them. I said they need time. So hopefully this will not be a problem. I was wearing a dress and I could see him looking at my legs and at me when he thought I wasn’t watching. I’m not reading anything into this, as I know better. But he was different than what he has been the last times I’ve seen him.

Being at home has been so hard, but it has given me so much strength. I can face anything and I know I will weather this storm too, not matter how it ends. (This is how I feel tonight)

[peacetoday]

Im so glad you told him to take the job--I hope he takes it

This will give you and the kids a lot of time to heal without his presence around

Yes they get depressed off and on--You may see him decline more as the new lifestyle he has chosen comes with consequences

You sound amazing though--go girl!!