Just so you know chasing a woman who has rejected you is not alpha it’s very beta.
It’s honesty time. There’s a 99% chance your w has slept with another man so since it’s a deal breaker what is your next move? When she’s asking you if you’re sleeping with other w. She’s projecting.
Look man normal women don’t separate after having a baby and 1 year of marriage. You guys are young and most likely made a mistake. I believe you when you say you can get other women.
Focus on being a great dad and learn what it takes to have a great relationship. Without serious work on her part she’s only going to bring you pain.
You’re so young and have your entire life ahead of you.
I feel ya IHC I need to work on not getting sucked into hearing the hit list for the 20th time. I want her to know I hear and understand her feelings but jeez I’ve heard it too much already.
Just on here to vent real quick. Found out W is out bowling and going on a beer bike tonight. This annoys me because throughout much of our R she denied sooooo many requests of mine to go out and do things. Driving an hour to see my dad who has taken us on multiple vacations: “no I don’t want to sit in the car that long.” Want to go to my hockey game that lasts all of an hour: “oh no I do t want to take the time to put make up on I just want to relax.” Want to go try this new food place? “Oh no I’d rather just stay home.”
After years of me getting denied going out and doing fun things I guess I stopped asking. Then a few weeks ago on one of her hit lists talks she says, “I want someone who will take me on adventures.” I didn’t say this in response but wtf I’ve been trying to get you out of the house for years!!
And then I find out tonight she’s out doing all these fun outgoing things after years of being such a homebody that she won’t go out with our closest friends more than once a month?! Drives me fcking crazy. I know I should be at a point of detachment at this point where I don’t care but sht I’m annoyed as fck right now. Figured it’s better to type it out on here than annoy my friends with it. Thanks...
If you read back on my sich I dealt with this too. It drove me fu#king insane. Every time I would ask my w to go out on Friday night "No I'm too tired from work" when we bought the house seven years ago I wanted to live in the country in rural and grow produce., live the simple minimalist. She wanted Suburbia and convenience to allow access to all things. now she wants to live in a cabin in the woods and grow produce and be a beekeeper. I asked her where the hell were these desires 7 years ago? She said she wasn't ready yet. I bought her a pistol two or three years ago and I've asked her numerous times to come to the range to get proficient on it. She would always have some excuse never to want to go. Now she wants to go there to the range with my brother's ex-girlfriend was also divorced. when she wanted to have her family and company over it was okay. when I want to have my friends or family or company over she wanted her space and I was forced to go to the retreat to the backyard. when I wanted to go out and try a new restaurant to go out dancing. More excuses of " no thanks not tonight I'm too tired" what I want to work hard on the yard and the projects around the house, she wanted to gleefully escape and go out on a whim and not keep her commitments, then blame it all on me that I was antisocial, one it was anything further from the truth. All the things I wanted to do early on now she wants to do away from me.
Eventually I stopped asking too. If you look at them very carefully Halsey it's a depression. They fall into a depression, then they no longer want or need you, then all the sudden they want to have all these life experiences that you wanted to have in the first place. They also try and blame you for it. If it wasn't for double standards they have no standards at all. I complained a lot about this early on in my sich to my younger brother, because I was like WTF too. It's a depression of them wanted to live their life on their own terms. My brother said it's not that she didn't want to do these things she just didn't want to do them with you. Which makes perfect sense. I've seen this pattern repetitively with every relationship that I have ended. they get bored stuck and depressed and they start looking for purpose and meaning in their life through new experiences, new men, new friends, new travel new vacations etc. it's like the same man they wanted you to be when you were first courting them they denied all throughout the marriage. Then when it came time not only to do the real work but also have some real experiences they denied you of them and then went and explored them independently on their own away from you.
it is human nature to never be satisfied especially when you do not have a strong sense of self principles and values. They are looking for their tribe so to speak. Let them go and let it go otherwise it's just going to annoy you in Anger you. you will keep continually asking yourself why now? it almost has the same effect of you changing before their eyes and them getting angry at you for changing too little too late
LH 19 is also right about the projection. My w immediately upon separation tried to set the rules and terms of Engagement that we would not date during the separation, and asked me if I was seeing anyone. She also stated that if I slept with anyone that that would be the deal-breaker. I never even brought up the subject she did. That was my red flag right there that something happens but I never got proof on it. She also said things that I hope you find someone that's the more compatible with you, and started romanticizing scenarios in the future where we would both attend barbecues Divorced with other people and be okay with it. Most of the time Halsey it's in their nature to grasp another hand before letting go of another, or what they call Monkey branching. Most of them do this from my research and my own personal experiences after five relationships. it is the only logical explanation of why they would turn cold overnight and then literally try to push you not only out of their heart but also out of their lives and out the door. they hide it very well for the sake of being slut shamed as a woman in our society. They want all the new experiences all the fuzzies and tingly, all the new sense of purpose, and new men as well. My w always used to play for kid around with me and accuse me of cheating. I never took it seriously, because I was never that insecure, until I got bomb dropped. Now I wonder if she was projecting that as well This is a part of the depression, and lack of sense of self, whether they are cheating or not and whether they are projecting or not. We have a one-and-a-half-year-old and she separating from me as well. Most sane people have told me that this is not normal. But of course the W blames it all on me for whatever made up reasons. I say whatever let them learn the consequences of their actions they will eventually maybe I'll be happy and maybe they won't I really don't care it's their life let them live it. As long as my son isn't adversely affected I get to raise in my way on my time
LH apart from the 1st week after BD I don’t believe I’ve done much chasing. Cake eating yes but not initiated by me. I still feel the same as last night and I think I will speak with my lawyer Monday. Yes I understand it is most likely projection.
IHC she has said things along the lines of, “I don’t think we can ever date people because they would be jealous of how we get along”, most likely her just trying to control. Looking back now I remember a few times pre BD where she would ask me “who are you texting?”, and went through my phone looking for things to find. We never did this before and I think you are right that she is projecting what she was guilty of doing.
She made a comment a week ago that “if you’re having sex with OP that’s fine but if you’re seeing someone seriously let’s just file”, this I think was projection of her sleeping with people and at the same time trying to influence me to not date anyone seriously and stay as her back up plan.
IHC yeah it’s crazy and frustrating that they start behaving in ways we wanted after they leave. I guess you’re right and they just wanted to do that alone or with someone else.
Just kind of fed up at this point. I’ve had hope for the past few months and I know the S hasn’t been long but this type of relationship isn’t okay with me and isn’t healthy. I feel I was hoping to see progress but am now just being strung along and she tries to find her new man/get to know new men.
I guess my next question is filing vs mediation, we don’t have really any shared assets, maybe just debt and we have a separation agreement in place, what are the positives of mediation vs filing? Thanks
Had a great weekend with my boy, took him to see my brothers and then had a bbq in the evening with some friends. Think I’ve done a great job improving myself and my attitude, have 180d on a lot of my negative behaviors and many people are noticing and making positive comments about my changes. Feels good. Been dating a lot, getting to know new groups of friends, still crazy busy with GAL.
Got lawyer appointment later this week. I would like to learn more about mediation but I’m guessing my lawyer will push for court as that is how they make money? Part of me doesn’t want to file because I don’t feel like wasting my time and kind of want my W to do the dirty work. Going to think on this more.
So W had deactivated her facebook when we separated. I noticed Sunday morning she had popped back up and must have re activated. Side note I took off my married status from view a few months ago. I noticed she still had it public that she was married to me. Not thinking into it. I immediately blocked her lol. Not hoping for a reaction just not interested in seeing her social media.
A few hours later she called me. I was busy and didn’t answer. Didn’t call back. Later that day I dropped son off. W instantly jumped into “omg did you deactivate your FB, did you block me?” I replied that yes I had blocked her lol. Anyway we had good conversation and she initiated touch. More pursuit behavior/questions from her. Handle well I believe. W walked me to my car lol? After I had left W started texting me a bit about a funny story. I ended conversation after a few messages.
So I decided to really try to focus on LRT. I reread it and was a bit confused. Michelle specifically says that during LRT you should accept all invitations to do “family time” with the WA spouse and child. So I’m just wondering why the general opinion on the forum is that cake eating or family time should be avoided at all costs? Just looking for clarification thanks.
Mainly because Michele doesn’t distinguish between WAW and WW but we do you have a wayward on your hands that is why we say no family time.
You’re all over the board my friend. You’re going to see a lawyer to file then your doing LTR. Still trying to get reactions from her using FB. Now looks like you’re looking for an excuse to serve her cake.
Oh yeah and btw your dating while married. This is exactly why IMO most people should wait until they are 30 to get married.
Until you truly decide you’re done with the BS I can’t see this nonsense ending.
Ah okay thanks for clarifying, yeah that confused me a little. So if she was WaW family time is fine but WW is no family time.
All over the board yes, this whole experience has been a lot of ups and downs. While I’m definitely better off than I was around BD I still have days of indecisiveness.
Yes I understand that I should be doing LRT which is why I wanted to reread that section. No, not looking for excuses to serve cake but when I read what Michelle said about family time I was a little confused because I haven’t seen a single post on here that approves of family time when Michelle herself approves in some situations I guess.
Had no intention of a reaction in blocking W like I previously wrote lol. I decided it would help with detachment if I don’t see what she’s up to popping up on my phone? Thought that made a good amount of sense.
A goal of mine was to meet a lot of new people and that’s a big reason for my dating. Rest assured it’s all just for fun and I have no intention of being in another relationship. Also, other advice I’ve received is to treat this MR as if it its over, so that’s what I’m doing.
No I am more a less challenging you on you words. You had previously indicated a PA was a deal breaker. I think we are both in agreement there has been at least one PA.
Yeah so I’ve been flip flopping about filing the past few days. I remember reading another vets advice that if you are flip flopping on a decision that you need to take time and really consider if it is what you want.
In regards to PA, I am fairly positive there was no PA when we were still living together. I am 50/50 on if there was an EA.
Now that we aren’t living together I view us as not in a relationship. Legally yes we are still married but idealistically we are not even in a relationship. This is just my opinion of the sitch. Yes you are almost certainly right she has since moving out most likely been seeing OP. But I have also.
So for now just going to focus on LRT and stopping the cake eating as she could be considered WW. Need to take some time and think about filing. Still uncertain if what that is what I really want.
