I've had a pleasant couple of days - working and seeing friends and making plans for the summer. I saw two friends today - separate meetings - and both of them had an opinion on my situation. The first has noticed how happier and settled I am in the last couple of months, and is urging me to get the ball rolling on a divorce and start dating. The second is saying that H needs to feel the loss of me, that he will get worse before he gets better, but I should take care of myself and have faith that he will come back to himself and want to make a repair.
I found both pretty irritating to be honest, and I don't know why. I don't feel like dating - I do miss intimacy, but that is something that comes slowly, in time, through getting to know someone gradually and at the moment I'd rather fill my time with friends and work and self care than invest into that given that every relationship has problems and difficulties and I really don't feel like putting myself through the ups and downs of that right now. I don't think I have much to give someone new at the moment - I don't mean that in a low self esteem way. I just mean, I don't feel like validating or caring or listening to someone. I realise that sounds selfish. Perhaps it is. I just want to please myself and my children for a while! I also don't feel like sitting at home keeping my heart open until H realises what he is missing (as my second friend suggested) - it's not about what he misses or doesn't miss, it's about what I want and I don't want to make the effort it would take to hold the door open for him anymore. I am not feeling the same contempt as I did a couple of days ago (it might come back!) but I am seeing that there's nothing much he has on offer that I want, and feeling at peace with that.
I don't know what that means about where I am at in terms of detachment, but I have decided I am not going to speak about my situation much with friends anymore. There's really nothing new to report and I want to fill my time and my mind with other things right now. It's been nearly seven months since he moved out, I am bored with being the LBS and I don't want to live that way any longer. I am not LB I am just me.
I've had a couple of very minor contacts with H. I've been friendly but brisk - and I've noticed him watching me very carefully, as if for a reaction. He asked me if there was anything wrong. I said 'no, not at all,' then said goodbye in a friendly way. I don't let him into the house and he doesn't try to come in.
I am sorry about your friends. I understand what you mean. One of the reasons I prefer posting here is because there is a safety in giving and seeking advice in an anonymous way. We care about our friends/family and when they say things that feel judgmental (because how can they not have judgements and want to protect us!?!) we can lose some safety in the relationships. We might find ourselves censoring what we say or worrying what they think. It can feel crummy.
One of my closest friends for years was a main supporter during my ugly separation. I could call her or text her any time and she was so loving and supportive. I think I might have taken advantage of her generosity because she was always there for me. Then after H came back, she disappeared. Pretty much ghosted me. We did not have a falling out or even a disagreement, and in fact she messaged me that she was happy for me. After months of silence I tried to get in touch with her, only to be met with, "I can't, it's not you, it's me." I gave her space and tried again. She told me the same thing. Nothing changed other than my H coming back. So oddly, I lost a friend over it, and I still am not entirely sure why.
Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I do think that our friends and families are affected by our sitch. If I had known that by turning to her in my crisis I was ruining the friendship, I would not have. I had other supportive friends. They have since told me that something is off with her and not to take it personally, but her giving up on me sure hurt all the same. ... So I think it's okay to talk to your trusted family and friends, but if it never compromises your feelings of safety with them, then it's okay not to share any details with them.
I am glad to read you are feeling a bit stronger and putting up boundaries! I found that when I started doing that more and more, I also felt better about myself. I had to learn to protect myself from him and it worked two-fold: 1. the space gave me a feeling of protection from him and his drama and 2. I learned to trust myself again, that yes, I can take care of myself and no, I don't need him to be okay. It really does work!
And yes, he will watch and he will notice. Sigh. You can just carry on all the same :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
BluWave - I think you're right - all kinds of things will change in my life as a result of the end of my marriage, and it is hard to predict how that is going to shake out. I know that my friends were both trying to be kind and both wanted the best for me, and I also know I want to make decisions on what I think is best for me, and not to get the approval of others - even good kind friends. I wonder if I end up Ring with my H (not likely) then I will displease the couple of friends who have seen me so heartbroken and supported me though my hardest days. If I end up taking steps to divorce him and even end up dating (again, I can't see it right now!) then there will be others who I will displease.
I think I am just growing. Realising that it's okay for my friends not to like my decisions - and that's kind of where I am with H too. I feel I urgently need some space to look inside and start making my own decisions, rather than seeking approval or managing myself solely to get something from someone else. I don't want to play that game any more.
H came around today to pick up Youngest. He tried to start a conversation about his behaviour when he was last in the house - his opening move was 'You seem to be very confused about what actually happened the other night...' which was hilarious because a) he has no idea what my feelings, thoughts or perceptions are because I choose not to bother sharing them with him and b) despite that, it seems he'd still like me to give him the chance to correct whatever he imagines my thinking and feeling to be - which is still emotionally manipulative and disrespectful behaviour. The arrogance is astounding. I wasn't expecting contrition or an apology, but that really takes the biscuit. I am done with validating him while he corrects me. I just ignored it, got Youngest ready and waved them goodbye at the door. I suspect he's going to try to have this argument another few times but I am not available for it.
You are right— you need to find a way to free yourself from worrying about who you may please or displease with your decisions about your marriage and your life. It’s one thing to be thoughtful and careful with those who are important in this aspect of your life (yourself, your children and family) but you can not worry about what friends and onlookers may think or do. I’m teaching myself that as well I know it sounds trite, but real, true friends will not change their relationship with you based on decisions you make for the well being of you and your kids, regardless of what they may think or feel about it. Ive realized that it’s a waste of precious energy and emotional resources to concern ourselves with that stuff. Your real friends (the ones you want to keep) will be there for you with open arms no matter what you do or don’t do. The rest may fall away, and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.
Thank you Hope. I guess I am still very sensitive to perceived criticism - or the thought that I am expected to please someone else with decisions that have nothing to do with them. That's a hangover from my marriage and may be me bringing in old rubbish to new interactions, so I will have to watch for that knowing I need to grow in that area.
Nothing much new to report here. I have been very focussed on work and the kids, with time to GAL in the evenings and during this weekend. I'm having a nice time. I feel happy most of the time. Now and again - when I have a busy evening or Youngest is being difficult - I feel resentful towards H. Mainly because I want to dump some of the relentless grunt-work of parenting onto his lap, rather than have him dump it all onto mine. But those feelings are fleeting and I don't act on them.
He has been extremely cordial and almost eager to please in our last interaction. I'm pleased he's being polite - it is much better for Youngest to have that experience when she goes to see her father instead of him being sulky or sullen or argumentative. But the door is closed very firmly.
Work is going really well - some exciting opportunities on the horizon and after a quiet time, a lot of interesting stuff cropping up. I feel like the rest of this year is going to be really interesting for me work wise, and I am looking forward to getting my teeth into that. My work has always been really important to me - sometimes unhealthily so - and I am going to have to watch that I have a good balance between solitude, time for self care and reflection, time to have fun with and nurture the kids, and work. My work is of the type that it is never really done, and will swell to fill the time allowed to it. I have been really dysfunctional and addicted in the past. It had an impact on my marriage but also my health and well being so I am going to watch for that.
Both kids seem settled and happy. Having some good conversations with Eldest, who seems more settled. I know he is very hostile towards H and I wonder if my excluding H from the house, in the light of his poor behaviour and continued verbal and emotional abuse of me, is going to make Eldest feel like he's 'won' in the power struggle he likes to conduct with his father. That would not be good for him. He is still seeing his counsellor and I am still holding firm to the boundaries agreed with the family therapist. He's been very clingy - not seeing friends as much and wanting to be near me a lot of the time - and I also need to make sure that is healthy and he is getting his emotional needs met in other ways (his friends, wider family, etc) and not overly relying on me. It is hard to know what to do best, but I am going to raise it with my IC too and get some guidance.
I'm struggling with a bit of anger today. Nothing new from H - but I keep imagining conversation we might have where I finally get to say all the things I keep to myself in favour of placating him or keeping the peace. Giving him a piece of my mind would not improve our situation nor would it be in the best interests of me or my children. But the anger is there. It's been bubbling away for a while. I feel more and more contempt for him and the way he lives and conducts himself with others. In calmer moods I feel pity. I don't want to be bitter or consumed by these negative feelings. and I certainly am not going to act on them. But they are there today and I am working on letting them pass.
Sorry for your struggle, you are not alone. Sometimes anger forces us to make good changes if we get to the heart of where it's coming from. You won't always feel this way. I know this because you are dealing with it and not telling yourself to just stop feeling it, but actively working through it. I'm encouraged by your self-awareness!!!
My youngest (17 only S still at home) is incredibly angry and hurt by H, but he acts 'as if'. It's a little heartbreaking. I listen and validate but have completely stepped out of 'fix-it' mode.
It's no wonder you get tired of doing all the parenting when it seems that H is on some type of soul vacation, but it really is H's loss. Even the mundane and tough parts of parenting are missed when they leave home as adults. When I start to get frustrated at my H - I realize that I would not trade places with him for anything. Honestly, as bad as this is, and as much as it hurts sometimes, I'm not blowing up my family and acting like an alien has possessed me. That's not to sound judgmental, I do have compassion for the guy, but I would not want to be living his life right now. He's a mess and it sounds like yours is, too.
hugs
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
It's no wonder you get tired of doing all the parenting when it seems that H is on some type of soul vacation, but it really is H's loss. Even the mundane and tough parts of parenting are missed when they leave home as adults. When I start to get frustrated at my H - I realize that I would not trade places with him for anything. Honestly, as bad as this is, and as much as it hurts sometimes, I'm not blowing up my family and acting like an alien has possessed me. That's not to sound judgmental, I do have compassion for the guy, but I would not want to be living his life right now. He's a mess and it sounds like yours is, too.
I have to be fair here - he is seeing Youngest a lot, and doing school pick up and drop off. When I let him into the house he would often - though not always - do some cleaning or laundry or change the kids' bed linen while he was here. The amount of housework he did was never an issue in our marriage at all. And I can't blame him for not being more present when I've decided not to let him into the house.
It's the mental load that gets to me, I think - the remembering of homework and letters for the teacher and making sure there's enough milk and the play dates are sorted and thank you letters sent - all that administration of running a house. Obviously he's not doing any of that at all, and it's all on me. That is the way it is when a marriage ends and the children are mainly resident with one parent, and to share it would involve close collaboration he is incapable of offering, so I need to accept it. I don't believe he's doing it on purpose or trying to punish me - and because I know he's an 'acts of service' man I know that even when things were very bad when he came to the house and cleaned up a little, he was trying to demonstrate something about his willingness to try to be a good father and perhaps even a husband. It just isn't enough. And the fact is, there's a lot on my shoulders at the moment and though I am seeing friends very often, I feel lonely for a proper partner.
I know I felt lonely for a proper partner when he lived here though. So none of this gives me the urge to invite him back!!
I wouldn't really want to be living his life now either. He is still on vacation from work and is very isolated. Other than his computer games, and sometimes a bit of sport, I don't really have any idea how he spends his time. He seems a little healthier looking in the past month or so, which is good, but I am guessing (I have no idea - but given my last interaction with him I have my suspicions) that he is still drinking daily. Unless something has changed drastically in the last few months he has very few friends, nobody close, and isn't close to his family. I have no idea if he's content with the life he's choosing right now, but I know I wouldn't be in his shoes. I also know that his inability to cope with normal family life and the normal 'demands' of interacting with a fellow human being, not least the mother of his children - has nothing at all to do with me.
I've really struggled this past seven months with feeling like I am in 'limbo' - not a wife, not a single woman, and not working on either getting divorced or making a repair. I don't feel like that any more. I think what has changed is that I am not 'waiting' for him to do or say anything any more. I am very clear that what is on offer isn't enough. That more of the same isn't what I want. That I can say no and be fine. I do have such a strong sense that I can take care of myself and move forward when I am ready and that I will be okay. I didn't have that before. I felt trapped and miserable in my awful marriage and when he left, I felt trapped and miserable in a limbo I felt he was inflicting on me. Now I feel much freer. NO matter what happens I will never be in that marriage again. And it is in my power to proceed on a divorce if and when the time is right with me.
That sounds like a great place to be Alison. Someone wrote on here the other day that their marriage was in limbo but their life wasn't, and that sounds like where you are perhaps?
