It doesn't matter, it wasn't a legally binding agreement. No lawyer or judge will think it was. She contributed nothing to whatever assets you accumulated before M.
She abjectly will not see it that way. She will say that she was there when I sold my company, stood by me, provided emotional support, and so on. And she did. I can't argue any of that. But I don't know how and if that translates to anything financial.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It won't be a huge fight because there's really nothing to fight about. Your L will laugh at the prospect that she would even attempt to go for pre-marital assets. That aside, you and others on this forum need to quit saying this statement- "XYZ will destroy all chances of reconciliation" because that is ridiculous. No one thing you did got you to this point and no one thing is going to fix it or ruin it. If you think fighting for what is yours (pre-marital assets, child custody, unfair child support and/ or alimony) is going to hurt your chances of a future with your W you are WRONG. If anything she will gain MORE respect for you when you stand up and fight for your rights instead of just being a wuss and giving her everything she wants.
Read this and live this- QUIT GIVING HER ALL THE POWER!!!!!
Thank you for the reality check.
She's moving out tomorrow. I've been an absolute wreck all day. I just can't believe how quickly everything changed. I'm trying my best to hold it together, but this hurts more than anything I've ever felt. Nothing is even close.
Finished NMMNG, it felt like I was reading a damn autobiography. I have so much to work on.
I know in a few different threads, people have strongly, strongly advocated not crying or being emotional in front of the WAW. I am trying my best, but it is impossible. I get choked up talking about it with friends, I get choked up talking about it with my IC, I get choked up just seeing her right now.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be worse than today, but the day after will be better. And the day after, and the day after.
You can’t avoid the grief process. Try to find safe places to be emotional just not in front of your WAW. It does improve but takes time. I’m about 2.5 months in and stopped breaking down maybe 2-3 weeks ago. The emotion is still there but I find a way through it.
I've been there man...I seriously thought my life was over and I didn't care about anything without my W. I lost it a lot, I could barely talk to the people who were there to listen. I was choking on words, pain in my head, heart, stomach and throat. Tears waiting on standby for the wrong song to play on the radio... I'm really sorry. I promise you things will get better.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey Steve just finished reading your sitch, Sounds like I am about a month ahead of you, granted my time between BD and S was a bit longer. I know it won’t help but just know that the emotions will lessen day by day. I had breakdowns in my car often after BD. But it seemed that everyday it got a bit easier. This really is a roller coaster of ups and downs but know that eventually those lows won’t be such a dramatic fall and the depths of the downs become less painful.
For me S day was actually quite good. I had expectations that coming home after work to an empty house would be terrible. But when I arrived home I felt calmness. I think it is terribly painful to be IHS and have to see your loved one everyday and know things are bad. But when physical separation happens the space can also be really good for the LBS. it absolutely progressed my detachment. I implore you to stay very busy with GAL and you will find you don’t have the time to be worrying about what W is up to.
She abjectly will not see it that way. She will say that she was there when I sold my company, stood by me, provided emotional support, and so on. And she did. I can't argue any of that. But I don't know how and if that translates to anything financial.
It doesn't matter how she sees it. It matters how the court sees it. From a legal perspective, whatever happened before the marriage isn't legally binding unless it's something you put both your names on. For example, My XW and I lived together for years before we got married. We owned a home. The home was in both our names. I bought a motorcycle about a month before we got married, it was in my name. When we divorced, the home was divided equally, the motorcycle was not. It was my XW's lawyer that advised her that property acquired before the date of the wedding was not community property unless in both of our names. Now your W can rant and rave and make threats but at the end of the day she does not have a legal claim to the business you sold before marriage. It doesn't matter if she was there supporting you, it doesn't matter if you had googly eyes and told her you would happily give half of it to her. Again let me remind you, SHE told YOU that she would remain by your side forever. SHE BROKE THAT PROMISE. Why would she expect you to keep your promise. You promised that in MARRIAGE what's yours is hers. But now she's violated her agreement and destroyed the marriage.
Quit playing by her rules and start protecting yourself. This goes for every single LBS on here.
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She's moving out tomorrow. I've been an absolute wreck all day. I just can't believe how quickly everything changed. I'm trying my best to hold it together, but this hurts more than anything I've ever felt. Nothing is even close.
We have a saying in Crossfit- "embrace the suck". Sometimes life hands you a heaping helping of misery, trying to fight it only makes it come back worse later. So feel it, live it, let it happen. Another book for your reading list is "The Happiness Trap", it really delves into the subject of feelings and emotions and how to deal with them. I read it when I was about where you are in my sitch and it really helped a lot.
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I know in a few different threads, people have strongly, strongly advocated not crying or being emotional in front of the WAW. I am trying my best, but it is impossible. I get choked up talking about it with friends, I get choked up talking about it with my IC, I get choked up just seeing her right now.
Cry in private. I cried on my 30+ minute commute to work, then pulled it together to work. Then I cried all the way home. Would pull it together in the garage, go in and talk to W and the kids and ask about their day and such, then excuse myself to change clothes and lock myself in the bedroom crying some more. It's OK to cry, but do it in private. The more you let it out in private the easier it is to keep it together in front of others.
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One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be worse than today, but the day after will be better. And the day after, and the day after.
Exactly right. Don't worry about tomorrow, just deal with today. And if that's too much then just deal with an hour. Or 15 minutes. Everything outside of that block of time you can deal with when it arrives. Try not to spin on what the future looks like, because you don't know. A year from now you could be happily reconciled. I'm divorced but all that just seems like a bad dream now, almost like it never really happened. Whether you reconcile or divorce your future is going to be fantastic, so even though you're in a lot of pain right now, there's no need to worry. Things will work out no matter what happens to your M, I promise.
Originally Posted by Hallzy9
I know it won’t help but just know that the emotions will lessen day by day. I had breakdowns in my car often after BD. But it seemed that everyday it got a bit easier. This really is a roller coaster of ups and downs but know that eventually those lows won’t be such a dramatic fall and the depths of the downs become less painful.
For me S day was actually quite good. I had expectations that coming home after work to an empty house would be terrible. But when I arrived home I felt calmness. I think it is terribly painful to be IHS and have to see your loved one everyday and know things are bad. But when physical separation happens the space can also be really good for the LBS. it absolutely progressed my detachment. I implore you to stay very busy with GAL and you will find you don’t have the time to be worrying about what W is up to.
I know in a few different threads, people have strongly, strongly advocated not crying or being emotional in front of the WAW. I am trying my best, but it is impossible. I get choked up talking about it with friends, I get choked up talking about it with my IC, I get choked up just seeing her right now.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow will be worse than today, but the day after will be better. And the day after, and the day after.
When not in front of her, cry 100% of the time if you have to. In front of her, you are an alpha male. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER! That is how you should feel, and conduct yourself. There is nothing respectful or attractive about a crying, weepy guy. So in front of her you are a rock. You should be taking the attitude that "you are leaving me? YOUR LOSS!" It is hard to cry with that perspective.
Get angry if you have to (internally, not outwardly). Have an attitude of how dare you blame me for your mess! Use that to keep from being the sad, "woe is me" guy.
Steve, you got this. Dudes with our name are strong. Independent. We don't need a woman to know our worth! So find your worth internally. You are awesome, whether she stays or goes! BE AWESOME!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I've been there man...I seriously thought my life was over and I didn't care about anything without my W. I lost it a lot, I could barely talk to the people who were there to listen. I was choking on words, pain in my head, heart, stomach and throat. Tears waiting on standby for the wrong song to play on the radio... I'm really sorry. I promise you things will get better.
Thanks for your perspective. S just happened, we said our goodbyes and now I'm at work. I'll come home to a dramatically different house.
I'm devastated, but it is what it is. I'd love to sit here and say that I took steve85's advice and presented myself as a rock, but I didn't. I couldn't hold it together at all.
She's rewriting so much history, it's almost scary. Misinterpreting things that I've done and said, assigning feelings to me that simply aren't there. She's doing that while simultaneously accusing me of rewriting history, romanticizing our relationship and ignoring the problems. She's probably right about that, though.
The acceleration towards the BD and S still surprises me, but she says she's been unhappy for a while and I just didn't read it or take it seriously. I was operating under the view that she must have had a PA or EA to really kickstart things, but she pushed back again against that, really hard. I've never, ever caught her in a lie so I think she's being honest here. It doesn't make it any easier though - she's been unhappy and our communication patterns weren't enough to resolve it. And that really hurts.
As I've said before, the plan doesn't change. GAL, detach, be the best man I can be. But today is going to be the bottom of the valley.
Hey Steve just finished reading your sitch, Sounds like I am about a month ahead of you, granted my time between BD and S was a bit longer. I know it won’t help but just know that the emotions will lessen day by day. I had breakdowns in my car often after BD. But it seemed that everyday it got a bit easier. This really is a roller coaster of ups and downs but know that eventually those lows won’t be such a dramatic fall and the depths of the downs become less painful.
For me S day was actually quite good. I had expectations that coming home after work to an empty house would be terrible. But when I arrived home I felt calmness. I think it is terribly painful to be IHS and have to see your loved one everyday and know things are bad. But when physical separation happens the space can also be really good for the LBS. it absolutely progressed my detachment. I implore you to stay very busy with GAL and you will find you don’t have the time to be worrying about what W is up to.
Thank you - I'm very thankful for the empathy and listening and support I've found here.
I'll dig through your posts and see if I can learn anything.
When not in front of her, cry 100% of the time if you have to. In front of her, you are an alpha male. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER! That is how you should feel, and conduct yourself. There is nothing respectful or attractive about a crying, weepy guy. So in front of her you are a rock. You should be taking the attitude that "you are leaving me? YOUR LOSS!" It is hard to cry with that perspective.
Get angry if you have to (internally, not outwardly). Have an attitude of how dare you blame me for your mess! Use that to keep from being the sad, "woe is me" guy.
Steve, you got this. Dudes with our name are strong. Independent. We don't need a woman to know our worth! So find your worth internally. You are awesome, whether she stays or goes! BE AWESOME!
I definitely don't feel that way right now, but I know you're right. I feel like a failure.
