Thank you, Sandi. This is very helpful and clears up a lot of confusion for me.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I'm a little late to the party, so I'll try to catch up with your story. I may make a few comments along the way.
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It took me more than 9 months after the bomb drop to realize my wife was in MLC.
Was this before or after you read Divorce Remedy?
This was after I read it. However, based on your post I am thinking my wife is more a WAW . There probably is some midlife crisis or transition that made things worse, but she seems to fit WAW more. I also agree the labeling did not help since I started making up my own rules as you correctly said
Originally Posted by sandi2
IMHO, the three "categories" (if I may use that term) have some distinction.
The WAW, IMHO, doesn't have a selfish/hidden agenda when she wants out of the M. Depending on the reasons why she left, she is more likely to cooperate in reconciliation. She's not trying to act like a teenager, nor dress like one. And the big difference in the WAW is that her character doesn't change. Her values don't take a dive, just b/c she walks away from the M. Usually, the WAW will not forsake her children .......whereas the WW & MLCW have been known to do (not all do). The WAW usually has a H who has made her (and/or her children) life intolerable, and walking away seems to be the only option if he doesn't change. The WAW is usually more cooperative with the LBH (kids schedule, etc.). She is usually more about fairness, than a WW or MLCW. IMHO, it's b/c her mindset is not comparable to the WW & MLCW.
This explanation helps a lot and I feel it fits my W more than the other two categories. She has not been trying to dress like a teenager. If anything, she has been dressing up less than she used to. While my intentions have always been good, in her mind she views me as having made her life intolerable. She feels the only way she can be happy is to get away from me and that is what she is doing She has noticed my 180s but I guess 3 months is not sufficient time for her to pull back from a big decision like filing for D.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I think the same basic principles of DB are applicable, whichever category fits your W. With the WW, however, tougher love has to be shown....due to the issue being rooted in a lack of respect for her H.
I have noticed that when I show tough love, it actually pushes her away. This may be consistent with her being a WAW instead of an MLC. That being said I need to focus on the basic principles of DB and keep moving forward as you said.
Thanks once again, Sandi. This post at least helps me keep my shortcomings in the MR in perspective and get over any anger I have left for W for walking away.
We have discussed it on the board in the past, it is not enabling it is being a good parent. You would do the same.
My Father in law was dead set against the D. He mows her lawn every week. He’s just helping his daughter.
I have no ill will against my in laws.
LH, I have no issues with their being good parents. The problem is they have always looked out for their personal benefit even if it meant their daughter suffered. They are narcissists and always resented the loss of control over their daughter once she had a family of her own
LH, I read through your entire sitch. Amazing you were able to stand for that long till she filed. Also interesting that you both were intimate till you put a stop to it. That is very unusual because your sitch was like a normal couple even during IHS and yet it ended. Gives me less hope for reconciliation but I need to stop thinking about R and focus on detaching.
When did you finally tell your kids and how did they react and eventually cope?
Yeah that’s why I always advise just because there being nice and acting normal to not think anything changed. The sex started one night when we attended my daughters Cheerleading banquet and they had an open bar look. Went home and one thing lead to another. The thing was I never said anything. Got up went for a run and then left for the day. It had been about 7 months of zero relationship talks so zero pressure. After the last time getting punched in the nuts I was never going to let that happen again. I truly think she had doubts in the end but it had gone to far. She bought a house told her parents and spent a lot on lawyer fees.
When we told the kids like most things in the process it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. My ex cried and my daughter cried. My son didn’t say much. My daughter asked if we would ever get married again and my ex responded “I don’t know”. My kids struggled a little early on but have adjusted fine the last 6 months. My ex and I are very amicable we sit together at games and events and I’ll joke with her sometimes. I don’t get personal with her but will talk about kids, weather etc.
If she came to me today to reconcile I’m not sure what I would do. I feel I should at least have one relationship first to see if I just want what I can’t have. Been dating for about 9 months but nothing lasted more then 3-4 dates. Not sure if I’m too picky or not ready or what’s up. I just made a date while typing this out lol. I will never ever pursue her. If it were to happen she would have to come to me and meet certain conditions for reconciliation. Again I think she gave up a lot, spent a lot of money and burned a lot of bridges to admit she was wrong after 11 months.
RESPECT is the key. If your ex has it for you then you will have a chance. It’s just probably not going to happen on your timeline.
Workout, read to learn and get to know and fall in love with yourself and the rest will work itself out. There are a lot of great things about being single. Enjoy them. Get outside your comfort zone. I promise you that you won’t regret it.
I truly think she had doubts in the end but it had gone to far. She bought a house told her parents and spent a lot on lawyer fees.
Ultimately I think this is what will prevent R between me and W. There was a moment during the last stages of the D process where it was obvious that she wanted to give this a second chance. I could see it clearly in her eyes and body language that she was close but she could not pull the trigger and let everything go forward. In her mind she has gone too far to second guess her decision. She has convinced herself that this is the right decision so she is going to overlook anything that says otherwise. She walked across the bridge and burned it in her mind and swimming back against the tide is going to be hard.
Originally Posted by LH19
M,
When we told the kids like most things in the process it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. My ex cried and my daughter cried. My son didn’t say much. My daughter asked if we would ever get married again and my ex responded “I don’t know”. My kids struggled a little early on but have adjusted fine the last 6 months. My ex and I are very amicable we sit together at games and events and I’ll joke with her sometimes. I don’t get personal with her but will talk about kids, weather etc.
This is encouraging. I am confident about moving on from her but breaking the stable family for the kids is what has been giving me nightmares. Hoping that my kids will also be able to cope. I am told kids are resilient and I should not worry. Let me hope that is the case.
Originally Posted by LH19
M,
If she came to me today to reconcile I’m not sure what I would do. I feel I should at least have one relationship first to see if I just want what I can’t have. Been dating for about 9 months but nothing lasted more then 3-4 dates. Not sure if I’m too picky or not ready or what’s up. I just made a date while typing this out lol.
I know what you mean. Being picky is not a bad thing at least when you get started. Good luck on your date - maybe she is the one
Originally Posted by LH19
M, RESPECT is the key. If your ex has it for you then you will have a chance. It’s just probably not going to happen on your timeline.
She definitely respects me more than she did over the past year but its going to be a steep hill to climb for R as you said. For now I need to keep working hard on detaching or it will drive me crazy
Space is the key to detachment. There was a point in the winter where my son had two games and my daughter had a concert and we were together 3 out of 4 days. That got me a little off kilter. The past few months there has been plenty of space so I’ve been totally indifferent. I can’t completely erase 24 years essentially 50% of my life in 11 months.
Thank you LH. If the kids cope well then it will be easier to not be hard on myself. On the positive side I do consider myself to be the prize in the MR so that makes it easy to DB to some extent
She has noticed my 180s but I guess 3 months is not sufficient time for her to pull back from a big decision like filing for D. 