I shall have both lamb and lipstick thread 6

[97Hope]

You can do this!!! I like AS's suggestion to print it out. It's on point and exactly you getting your power back. Stay strong and when in doubt, remind yourself that you must not dance with a tornado. You sound strong and sure. Just keep reminding yourself of your own strength and how far you've come. The only person telling you that you are weak at this point is an H that is taken over by an alien and you, so remind yourself of the truth. What we tell ourselves about ourselves is important. Good to have friends remind us of the truth, but only if we listen to it. <3

[dillydaf]

Just chuckling so hard at the leather sofa stuff. Mind boggling, the things that unhappy people zoom in on to justify their unhappiness, isn't it? Anything except look in the mirror.

I mean to say: don't agree to MC. Tell him he has to do IC first in order for you to even think about MC. I don't think you are considering MC now, but in case he pushes it.

[BluWave]

This is really sad. The same cycle continues. Nothing is changing for the better.

Dilly, why should she tell him what he has to do at all (go to IC for her to go to MC)? He is an adult and it is HIS choice if he wants to help himself at all. Nothing in DB says to force someone to go to IC or MC or tell them what to do at all. We are all people of our own free will. It's quite obvious by his continued patterns of abuse and blame that he doesn't have a genuine interest in working on himself and making positive changes. You cannot force someone to do this or negotiate it. Again, none of what I am reading here is aligned with the DB advice or philosophy.

I am with Ginger and AS and am frankly concerned about the abuse. And there has already been physical violence, she just did not elaborate on what it was. That is fine and I respect her privacy. I am personally just not humored by him harping on dead house plants and sofas. I think he is treating you terribly and I don't understand why you continue to allow it. Your eldest son sounds as if he has some behavioral problems. That is very, very difficult, even without parents fighting and acting up in front of a teen. Could it be that he is acting out worse because he sees the behavior of you both and also sees that you are defending H's abuse? Are either of you demonstrating how to communicate respectfully? Yet you are expecting him to? I understand that parents should ideally stick together when disciplining kids, but you do not have a healthy, respectful and mature other parent, if not, you are just defending his abuse. What message does that send your teenager?

When you responded to my last post, you said that you were getting together with H to discuss separation of finances. It doesn't appear that way at all, or that there was any productive conversation. It sounds like more of the same -- him being abusive, nagging and blaming you, and then you trying to draw up a boundary, but actually validating and allowing his abuse. Your continued sympathy and concern for his well being -- as he mistreats you -- is also quite troubling in my mind. Again, you have these posters validating you and cheering you on, some I doubt you want to listen to me. I am happy to bow out at any time. Just say the words and I am gone. I personally cannot see how these posters are helping you handle things better.

I feel sorry for you, Allison, not your H, not at all. As you describe him, he is not a good person, H and father. I hope you can see that.I really wish you could move on from him and that you can find your worth. Then some day you can find a partner that knows how to treat you. You and your kids deserve that. Your kids also deserve a safe and comfortable home environment in the mean time. That is number one right now. Enough is enough.

Blu

[AlisonUK]

Blu - thank you for your thoughts, and no, I don't want you to bow out of the thread!

Other than what I've done - met up with him to separate finances (we agreed something I think it fair and workable for the time being) set a boundary around him inviting his family to my house (they aren't coming) and gone dark on him - there's been no messages, no contact, hand-over of Youngest for contact either at school or at the front door and as I have said in several posts, I plan to keep it that way and feel very steady and sure about that decision.

I am not sure what further suggestions you have? If you have an idea for something over and above what I am currently doing, I am open to hearing it - that is why I am here.

I won't be going to MC with him and I won't, for the reasons you suggest, be suggesting or asking or demanding that he goes to IC himself. He'd obviously benefit from it, but that's not my business.

My son is troubled, yes - partly to do with an ongoing and quite serious medical condition he has and partly to do with the state of my marriage and the behaviour he's seen from both of us. I've consulted a family therapist about how best to parent him and regain my confidence at setting boundaries. She said his behaviour was on the difficult side of normal for teenagers of his age, and I've been following her advice to the letter. Eldest also sees a counsellor, and I've seen massive improvements in the last couple of months. He's really only difficult when he has to be in contact with H, and unless they sort it out between themselves, that won't be happening for the foreseeable.

I'm in IC myself, working on confidence to set boundaries and move forward, as well as deal with the influences from my childhood that have allowed me to accept the unacceptable from now on.

My focus now isn't really on my H. I don't want to see or talk to him and while I will co-parent with him civilly, I'm not interested in having any more family meals or holidays or anything like that with him. My focus is on my own recovery, GAL and my children - as I've said previously.

I use a bit of humour in my posts about my H - yes. And no, the situation isn't funny, it is very sad, and the responsibility for accepting the unacceptable is on me. I get that. But humour is just my way of reminding myself that my husband's complaints are no longer my problem. Sometimes that makes me feel giddy with delight and freedom. I've been ground down by his criticism and anger for a long time. Since he left I've been holding my breath for this magical change he promised would happen once he completed his work project in May. That clearly hasn't happened, so I am moving on. Perhaps it was silly of me to believe it, but I wanted to give him and my marriage that one chance. I did, I don't regret it, it wasn't to be so I am moving on.

[AlisonUK]

Journalling.

Nothing new to report here. NC with H other than drop offs for Youngest at the door. I say hello in a friendly way but don't ask him how he is or anything, and make sure my focus and attention is on Youngest. He sent an affectionate good morning text message the other day and I deleted it as soon as I saw what it was. It's easy to be nice to someone over text. I don't want to be around someone who can't manage basic civility in person consistently.

Been concentrating on GAL - booked a holiday for me and the kids in the summer, also a special weekend for Eldest and me while Youngest is with his father one weekend. Also working really steadily on this application - gosh it is boring, but if I get it my work will be even more flexible, and a little better paid - and those are two things that will be good for me no matter what happens.

I got some good news about a work project yesterday. Something I've been working on for a couple of years now coming to fruition, and there's a chance there could be a really good financial bonus in it for me. Not life-changing, but substantial. Usually I would want to ring H and share the good news with him right away. My first thought this time was 'I don't want to have to share this cash with him when we divorce.' I'm not saying that's a particularly kind or fair or pleasant thought, but it was where my head was at - the wish to protect myself rather than connect with him.

I don't know if detachment and dropping the rope happens all at once like this (I feel like a switch has been flicked - or at least, I was moving towards the final break - first by how he was when I needed to take Eldest to hospital, then by how he was when he was in my house last week...) but all desire to have his attention or approval or affection seems to have gone entirely. I don't know if I will slip back into my old ways, but I can't really see it happening today.

The challenge here is to guard myself against contempt. I am feeling a fair bit of that towards him and I don't like it. It makes no difference to him - of course - but I don't want to be bitter. If there's a time in the future where we can co-parent in a friendly and amicable way, that would be better for the kids, and while he's not capable of that now, I don't want to be so corroded by bitterness that I'm not up to it either, should the opportunity arise.

So today I am working, staying in to get a parcel, and doing a bit of cleaning.

The cleaning is a strange thing too. When he first left the house was spic and span - you could eat your dinner off of my floors! He was always so controlling about housework and had such weirdly high standards that I think I thought if he could see how well I was obeying his desires he would want to come back. Then I went through a phase of doing nothing at all - the house was pretty untidy and mucky - just because I was relishing not having to live under his instruction. Now I think the way my house is has nothing to do with him at all, and I am just finding out what my own preferences and standards are.

I know all that sounds quite trivial, but it is a sign of progress for me. Up until about a month ago I was still getting sweaty palms at the thought of him coming to pick up Youngest and seeing that my bed was unmade. Today, I can't actually remember if I made it or not and at the moment, I don't care.

[Destroyd]

Alison, it sounds like your are doing great! I love reading your updates, except for how your H treats you. YOU deserve so much better. Congratulations on your project!

[AlisonUK]

Thank you. I am so totally bored with how H treats me. And bored with myself too - all that effort spent in trying to work him out, and understand him, and make allowances for him, and work on myself to be content with crumbs, or adjust my behaviour to extract something better from him. I am so BORED and TIRED of that. I am sure I will have sad days and days when I backtrack on this progress - I'm not where I want to be yet - YET - but I do feel that in the past couple of weeks I have been slowly turning a corner.

[AnotherStander]

That sounds good Alison, glad to hear you're not letting him manipulate you again! Stick with it!

Regarding flipping the switch, I think that does happen a lot, especially with LBW's. They try and try and try to appease their wayward H to lure him back but at some point they realize they are wasting their time and he's not going to change until he hits rock bottom, which he never will as long as she remains his Plan B. So they shut the door and focus completely on themselves and the kids. You might backslide a few more times but I think you're coming out of the LBS fog.

[AlisonUK]

Yes. I think once I close that door, it's closed though. I'm not sure I am there yet, but I feel I will be soon. This isn't some technique to shock him into being nice to me, this me me choosing what kind of life I want to have, and realising one without him in it is better than one with him in.

[97Hope]

I like how you are focusing on your progress and becoming more self-aware!!! I struggled with the tidy house, too and then realized what I was going - trying to please H. Not ok. So I adjusted my sails. Sounds like where you are. Right now you absolutely have a better life without him in it - dead plants and all!! (I need humor. It's not funny, but it is ridiculous) Stay in the moment. Trying to know where you will be or how you will feel later is pointless. Today, your life is better. Today you are making good decisions for you and your children. I like this strong, confident bad-a lady. She is a woman only a fool would leave.

Big hugs x