Hahaha Gekko you’re right. I think LH has told me I’m feeding her cake like 50 times. My trouble area forsure.
AS no that doesn’t sound like quality reconnecting. Yeah it’s just that she was so honest when things were ok in the R so I have the habit of believing her even though I know things are different now. I suppose if she really wants to reconnect she would let me know.
I guess in my mind I keep thinking that if we hang out and I allow the cake eating or whatever she will see my positive changes and maybe see R as an option. When she told me how she felt about my distance during the R I felt really guilty.
I feel that if I deny her requests to do stuff together she will see it as more of the same because of my distance. A little clusterfcked in the head lately haha. Really appreciate your guys views.
Hallzy, I feel the same way as you. My wife says that she felt lonely during our marriage because I didn't come home and talk to her while she made dinner. Now she tells me she needs space, but that I should also cook dinner with her. It is hard for me to know if I should correct my past mistakes or realize that she is in a different place now and just wants SPACE!
I'm going to be honest with you. You have been married for a year and had a baby. This is suppose to be the happiest and most exciting time of your life. Instead she decides she's not happy and moves out. At this time, imo you need to move on and create a great life for you and your son. IF and this is a big IF your W ever decides she will do the work necessary for you to give her another chance you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
Right now she has no respect for you and is looking for another long term option.
Show her you are done with the bs and I guarantee you will see some changes in her.
Give her as much space as you can afford. She told you those things about feeling ignored after the fact, not because she wanted to work on things with you and change them, but because she is done and it justifies her actions to say her "hit list" of reasons to you. Cook around her, but not together with her or for her, unless she does it for you first. Return the favor if she does you one. Cook for yourself and kids. If she wants to make convo, listen, validate, etc. allow it. Took me 7 months to just realize that dynamic and interactions should consist of even give and take. No more, no less. You give what you get. You get distance, you give it, etc, Nothing is given away for free, not your time, your emotions, your labor, or division of things, resources, kids, etc.
Was recalling from 7 months ago. W said "Im not leaving you, just want space and IHS." Well after I reclaimed the MBR that changed into "I want to sell the house and be seperated, and divide all assets and responsibilities." Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.They can change their minds on a dime for all different reasons, so you have to constantly adapt to the current sich and action, not the past ones. Sorry I was replying to Destroyed. Wrong thread
Hey Destroyd I feel you man, it makes me want to 180 on it but at this point idk if it will help.
LH thanks for the honesty, yeah it should be a happy time forsure. I guess she’s just throwing me breadcrumbs with the flirting and the s*x. When she was thinking I had moved on and had a girlfriend was when she pursued me the most. So it makes sense.
IHC haha that’s okay I feel your post applies here too. She has said that hit list multiple times since BD and yeah I guess she’s saying that to make herself feel better and more justified about leaving. Am I just supposed to validate these hit lists or shut them down as I’ve heard it enough?
So since trip, W has texted me everyday. Pretty unimportant things. Been busy with GAL still. Feels like I don’t have time to stop and sit down for 5 minutes but it’s good.
From what W was telling me recently that if she isn’t with our S then she is going out drinking. She used to be a real homebody and barely wanted to go out once a week. I also imagine she probably has her mom watched S sometimes so she can go out. Her mom is definitely an enabler. She also has not been hanging out with her old group of friends. They have expressed to me that they don’t support her decision so I imagine that’s why she has found a new group of friends.
I guess this might classify her as wayward now. After BD she was still a homebody and it seems that when we separated was when she started this new behavior. The things she is doing are out of character. I recall Sandi telling me that if she were to become WW that I should be far more firm with her. I think my goal now is to stop allowing the cake eating. I feel that I am doing well in all aspects but that.
Side note, over the past few weeks I have had multiple people say “you’re like a whole new man”, include my W. I think this relates to my 180s, especially changing my negative attitude/views on some things. Feels good knowing other people are seeing my positive changes as I try to be the best version of me. Thanks!
Ah forgot to mention Father’s Day, Got to spend time with S. W get me a pretty nice gift. She wrote a nice card that said “We love you” at the end. She expressed that if I didn’t like gift she would get me something different. As a 180 I acted pretty grateful and was genuinely grateful. A negative aspect of the old me was not showing thankfulness and I can recall many times W gave me a gift and I would act indifferent about it or even express dissatisfaction sometimes. Trying to 180 that.
Hey Destroyd I feel you man, it makes me want to 180 on it but at this point idk if it will help.
LH thanks for the honesty, yeah it should be a happy time forsure. I guess she’s just throwing me breadcrumbs with the flirting and the s*x. When she was thinking I had moved on and had a girlfriend was when she pursued me the most. So it makes sense.
IHC haha that’s okay I feel your post applies here too. She has said that hit list multiple times since BD and yeah I guess she’s saying that to make herself feel better and more justified about leaving. Am I just supposed to validate these hit lists or shut them down as I’ve heard it enough?
Thanks all
I have made the mistakes of apologizing and justifying too often and frequently in my sich. I think the point on how to handle "the justifications" list is. Address it and apologise once and only once if possible. Don't argue, just listen. Change what you have the control and power to change. Your words mean nothing to them, and your actions mean everything. Now if I could only take theirs and my own advise.. Lol.. Slowly.. One day at a time.
I feel ya IHC I need to work on not getting sucked into hearing the hit list for the 20th time. I want her to know I hear and understand her feelings but jeez I’ve heard it too much already.
Just on here to vent real quick. Found out W is out bowling and going on a beer bike tonight. This annoys me because throughout much of our R she denied sooooo many requests of mine to go out and do things. Driving an hour to see my dad who has taken us on multiple vacations: “no I don’t want to sit in the car that long.” Want to go to my hockey game that lasts all of an hour: “oh no I do t want to take the time to put make up on I just want to relax.” Want to go try this new food place? “Oh no I’d rather just stay home.”
After years of me getting denied going out and doing fun things I guess I stopped asking. Then a few weeks ago on one of her hit lists talks she says, “I want someone who will take me on adventures.” I didn’t say this in response but wtf I’ve been trying to get you out of the house for years!!
And then I find out tonight she’s out doing all these fun outgoing things after years of being such a homebody that she won’t go out with our closest friends more than once a month?! Drives me fcking crazy. I know I should be at a point of detachment at this point where I don’t care but sht I’m annoyed as fck right now. Figured it’s better to type it out on here than annoy my friends with it. Thanks...
Hahaha okay here we go I’m about to sound like a basket case. Typing this before I go to bed so maybe I will cool off when I wake up. But I’m pissed. A lot of you vets have been telling me she’s just dragging me along as back up plan. She is cake eating and I recently found out she is out partying most nights she doesn’t have our S. But for all I know she gets mommy the enabler to watch my Son while she goes out partying.
I thought there were many improvements in our R before the separation began. We lived together still for roughly 2 months after BD and things with her went from cold and withdrawn to flirty and cuddling. We were sexual and even made out the night before she was to move out. This gave me hope. I thought that my 180s had started to thaw her heart and that she was seeing that I was capable of change.
The history: I am not a nice guy. I consider myself alpha physically and mentally. During R often times it was my way or the highway. Often times when she asked for favors/ expressed her needs I viewed them as her trying to gain control/take power and would usually deny her requests. I was an [censored]. In my mind things weren’t that bad but recently W let me know that she felt like I settled for her because she was there and convenient. Now I don’t think I was a terrible H, but my affection for her decreased significantly when her mom moved in with us to help with expenses related to newborn son. In her mind things have been bad for years, but this is untrue. I took care of many things and I realize that in the last year since Son was born, including death of my father, I started doing many little things wrong. I admit this and can fix those things and I already have 180d on them all.
Currently I feel she has attraction for me. Our recent trip to Disneyland had her pursuing me hard because she thought I was moving on and had a new girlfriend which I don’t but I didn’t let her know that. We had s*x for this first time in 3ish months which was a goal of mine. After trip where we got along quite well I asked her to get dinner/drinks with me alone without baby (per sandis advice). She declined. She has expressed wanted to spend family time with me and S for 4th of July but due to her declining of my dinner invitation this seems to be obvious cake eating. Because of how I treated her when M was okay, I have allowed a lot of cake eating as a 180 of sorts. This I have done against the advice of many vets here.
I told my wife a few weeks after BD that a PA is a deal breaker for me as I will not have a W who sleeps with other men. I found no evidence of PA or EA but now that we are separated what is stopping her. I just read some advice that says the main reason for S is for the WAW to date/pa with other people.
With her new found hobby of going out drinking and partying with a new group of friends I find it almost impossible for her to not be partaking in PA. Which I said before is a deal breaker. I was under the impression that because things turned around a bit before Separation and how things went during trip to Disney land that progress was being made. I think this was delusional of me. My impulsive instinct is to file for D immediately. Maybe I will feel different in the morning but I’d like to have some input from you guys.
PA is deal breaker. W is separated and out partying. Logically it’s safe to say she is committing PA. Not to sound cocky but I have received a lot of attention from other woman now that we are S, including 2 prior close friends of my W. Not that I have acted on this but I’m not at all worried about my chances being single.
I am angry thinking that my W is PAing and although she wouldn’t tell me and it would be hard for me to find out but if I knew for certain she was, I would file immediately. So that’s where we are at. My gut instinct tells me to file. I know my Sitch is very young but my gut instinct is to file now that I am getting the idea that she was stringing me along while she looks for another man...
Maybe someone can talk me down from the ledge. Okay rant over thanks all.
