She wants to come back after divorce?

[Js6199]

Hello all, sorry for the very delayed reply. To give an update, we've been texting/talking much more and met up again. Last monday when I was at the airport she called and we talked for quite a while. She seems sincere. She tears up/cries when she talks about our marriage and what went wrong. She says she still loves me and misses me. She seems like she regrets us divorcing. On Thursday, she came over, we went for a walk, talked a lot, and ended up having sex (it's been over a year since the last time we had sex). It was great and not awkward or uncomfortable at all. I know it was too soon but it happened. She said "I love you" when she was leaving but I didn't respond.

First of all what do you want?
To be with her or not?

Have you read the pursuit and distance?
Because as you distance she is pursuing.
If you pursue, she will likely distance, or stop pursuit.

Its all not healthy that is for sure.

If she has truly changed, I do want to be with her. I did read the pursuit and distance post multiple times and I understand it. She initiates 90% of the contact we have (this is a huge 180 for me). I used to chase her, and she is used to being chased (she is very attractive). This is quite a change for her since she is now chasing me. It surprises me because its not really like her to do that.

I've read an reread your original post. Why did she move out in the first place? What were her reasons?

Be true to yourself and go slow.

We fought a lot, she would go out quite frequently and it started getting uncomfortable for me. I was insecure and needy. She has been in therapy and seems like she's changed, she doesn't go out at all anymore. Getting over the divorce has improved my self-esteem and insecurities since I've learned I am perfectly happy by myself and don't need her or anyone.

I feel as though she has been "testing me", giving little hints to see how I would respond. For example, yesterday she said "What time do you get off work? I'm going to take the kids to the mall tonight". Old/needy/insecure me would have said "4PM, do you want me to come?" (and she knows that would have been my response). But I answered "Not sure, have fun". Earlier in the day she asked me "When can I take you out for fish tacos?" (A place she told me about the other night). Old me "Whenever you want just let me know". I answered "I should be able to one night next week, I'll let you know". I honestly feel as though she can see the changes in me and that's what she likes. She hated that I was so clingy and insecure. I hated it too. I really like the new me.

My opinion is that she thought the single life would be way better then her married life and now she realizes that its not true and that she took it for granted. I know how this works, if we were to reconcile, after a while she may very well go back to her old ways.

For my own well-being (which is all I care about at the moment) I am distancing my feelings. If she never contacts me again, I'm fine. Deep down, I love her, but I don't want to get close and get hurt. For now, I plan to keep letting her initiate the contact and keep my distance emotionally. I really felt like we bonded the other night but I don't want to get hurt.

[AnotherStander]

Hey JS, that's a pretty fast turnaround on her part but it does happen, so it may very well be genuine. Just try not to rush back into an R with her. Normally as part of DB'ing we talk about listening and validating and not sharing your feelings with the WAS, but when you work towards piecing then that all changes. You can and should share your feelings with her. And if I'm hearing you right, your feelings are that you're concerned about opening your heart to her and having her shut down and leave again. Those are completely legitimate feelings! So tell her that. Tell her you want to take your time easing back into this. Keep her at arm's length for a while. Good luck!

[SteveLW]

Js, keep DBing! Don't give up on your hard earned changes, and better attitude and outlook on all of this. Remember, she has to earn her way back. And remember, you are a worthy of more than what you got last time! Be an alpha.......

[SoTorn]

Its amazing that you have a second chance with your W. However, tread with caution. I feel that you having sex is fine. However, its only fine if you dont assign any emotions to it. As others have stated, your W could be trying to manipulate you with sex. Unfortunately, women can be known to manipulate with sex.

Have you set any boundaries for yourself regarding the rekindling of this R? If not, I suggest you do. You seem very level headed. You essentially did what I did and moved on very quickly. However, in my situation, my EXWW filed and I didnt, although I was planning on it.

What are your expectations regarding the new R? Have you communicated these expectations to your EXW?

Again its great that your R has a chance of being restored. Just make sure you have very clear boundaries and expectations for the both of you. I would suggest to read the five love languages book. That may help you navigate your new R.

[Js6199]

Thank you all for the replies! I have shared my concerns with her about me getting hurt again, and I was satisfied with her response, that last time was too soon, and we were both angry at each other. At that time she showed no affection towards me at all. She has said she loves me a few times but I haven’t said it back. I do love her but I’m not ready to say it.

We have been in contact more, every morning she texts me good morning and then she calls me while I’m driving to work and we chat for 30min to 1hr. We keep it light, no R talks, some flirting on both ends, and we both really enjoy it. She makes plans and wants to see me often. Most likely tomorrow night we will meet up again. I have only seen her once a week so far, and that is me turning down plans (she invites me more frequently).

I don’t assign any emotions to the sex. I really enjoy it but I know that this might all turn out bad so I keep my distance emotionally. We have both shared our expectations of an R and we both share the fear of ending up how we were. We both see the changes that the other has made and is currently making. She has said that she currently isn’t ready for a relationship yet, I feel the same way.

I am wary, but I still don’t see what would be her motive for manipulating me. Like I said before, she makes more money than I do. She is very attractive and wouldn’t have any problem finding another man for sex. I am cautious of her having another motive or playing with me, but I just don’t see what she would get out of it? She seems genuine and I’ve never known her to be a liar. She is extremely proud and for her to tell me everything she did when we first started talking again, is a huge step for her.

My fear is that I will begin to move too fast. I don’t know if the daily contact is too fast at this point. We both feel good about it, and she is definitely doing the pursuing here.

I know that I have a chance to make this work and rebuild our family. I don’t want to mess this up again. Thank you all for the input and help!

[97Hope]

If she is truly 'all-in', has made the required changes/growth then she will give you all the time that you need.

Good for you in not being needy!! That was a great 180!! Women really don't like that at all, and I've found that only dysfunctional men do! lol

[AnotherStander]

We have both shared our expectations of an R and we both share the fear of ending up how we were. We both see the changes that the other has made and is currently making. She has said that she currently isn’t ready for a relationship yet, I feel the same way.

OK good, sounds like you are both on board with taking things slow. Perfect.

I am wary, but I still don’t see what would be her motive for manipulating me.

I agree, it doesn't sound like it. What you've described sounds consistent with a WAS doing a 180.

My fear is that I will begin to move too fast. I don’t know if the daily contact is too fast at this point. We both feel good about it, and she is definitely doing the pursuing here.

Play it by ear. Read up on the "pursuer/ distancer dynamic". Learn the signals. If she starts distancing at all then immediately pull back.

I know that I have a chance to make this work and rebuild our family. I don’t want to mess this up again. Thank you all for the input and help!

I think you are doing great, seriously. Too many LBS's throw the door open for the WAS and don't make them do the work to earn them back. You are not making that mistake. Well done!

[Ready2Change]

Hi JS,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

Have your read "Divorce Remedy"?


My advise, Make her work really hard to win you back. You are the prize. "people want what the can't have" Do not make this easy for her.


Come up with your list of "nonnegotiables".

Please, keep posting here. There are wise people here that can help guide you through this. There are "newbies" that could use your wisdom.

[Js6199]

97Hope, thank you, it sometimes still is a struggle to not be needy, it was my instinct for so long, but now I've learned to catch myself and correct before acting that way. It is not healthy/attractive at all, that is for sure.

AS, thank you for your comments. I am watching and if I see that she distances herself, I will pull back for sure. "The dance" is very important here.

Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it. I just want to make sure I have the right idea about this. Is me keeping my distance/not pursuing enough? Or is there more here?


Well, I have another update on my sitch.. Wednesday morning, we had our daily phone call in them morning. After that, no contact all day from either of us. I was supposed to let her know if I got off early so that we could meet up but honestly forgot to text her. Yesterday morning (Thursday), she sent me a text "Good morning" then 5 minutes later "If i don't text you, then you won't text me :-(" I replied "good morning, how are you?" and we texted for a little while (I didn't respond to the second text at all but nothing else was said about it). I told her I was off early that day if she wanted to meet up that night. She said yes, and said "I can come over to finish watching the movie" I said sure that's fine, see you at xx). She came over, brought some food that she cooked, and we ate and watched the movie. After that, we had sex. She stayed for another hour in bed talking, then she left. This morning we texted (good morning, how are you etc), and out of the blue she said "Are you sure that you are changing? I am afraid we will end up like we were before" I responded "I wonder the same about you, only time will tell". She said yes you are right and sent me a kiss emoji. We texted a little bit more about weather etc and that was it.

I may be paranoid, but I am starting to suspect something and could use your opinions. Is she only interested in me for sex? If this is the case, it's fine by me, we both enjoy it and I haven't attached feelings to the sex. When we first started talking again, I asked her what her intentions were, if she wanted to be FWB or wanted to try for a serious relationship. She said she has never liked the idea of FWB and that she wouldn't have sex with somebody unless she has feelings for them (this convo was before we had sex again). We have met up 3 times since we started talking. First night kissed outside of restaurant, second time she picked me up, we went to walk at a park, then came back to my house (had sex), Last night she came directly to my house. I almost asked her today if she just wanted to be FWB or if she wanted more, but I stopped myself as I didn't want to offend her or make it awkward.

The next time we meet up, should I suggest an actual date (restaurant, mall etc, someplace other then my house)? I just want to know where this is going. FWB is fine, no emotions. But if this is headed in a serious direction (which I would prefer) then I want to be prepared. I am confused about this, and it's been on my mind a lot. I don't know how to see what her intentions are. Thank you again for taking the time to read my sitch.

[Ready2Change]

This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.

Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.

Sandi posted this to you. She is the wisest person posting to you.