Attracting the WW back ?

[AnotherStander]

That's awesome GZ! You've got this!

[IHCLACS]

Gzabetas. It sounds like the Jeckyl and Hyde effect is BPD. I know something about this being raised in a negative family environment. It's Boarderline Personality Disorder. I do it too. I have a few characteristics of it but there are spectrums from benign to malignant. I've been working with a therapist on it, and researching the hell out of it. I even tried explaining it to my wife two weeks ago before I decide to cut off all contact with her, after feeling I was being manipulated, I just decided to stop responding to anything in all things emotionally related to avoid frustrations, conversations that go nowhere with no resolve or results on placed boundaries.

It's kind of like this. If something is plaguing the mind of a BPD person, whether it be circumstantial external or internal. Especially when it is internal, it can appear to an outsider that's our emotions are unsuiting to the current present situation, hence the Jeckyl and Hyde effect to their perception in the given moment. In other words we are quietly ruminating and thinking very quickly and fluctuating between our emotions and thoughts very rapidly on what we thinking about. Sometimes compulsively too in thinking. Its an emotional regulation issue, if we think about things long enough without any type of outlets for it whether it be verbal, vocal, creative or whatever. There could be tendencies to verbally lash out depending. Or constantly talk about things until we feel better. I think people with adult ADD and childhood dysfunctional relationships with patents are more prone to this. According to studies it is more prevalent among women though. It might be BPD as well as NPD. Hope this helps understand. I've noticed that respectively that even I can be the life of the party when I'm up. Not necessarily euphoric but definately full of life and joy and excitement. When I am down the I am definitely down and everybody knows it. It's like our emotions have no filters. It appears as bipolar to someone over a long period of time in getting to know someone.Of time but it's actually not the case bipolar is very different. It's kind of like wearing your heart on your sleeve sometimes it's inappropriate to the situation because we are caught up in our own thoughts. What helps is becoming aware of this and describing our emotions rather than acting out on them. The acting out it's almost like we can't help it. Wake me up here very dramatic and a good way and in a bad way at times to other certain personnas. That is what I'm being taught is healthier

Good luck with the Windows Server Exam. I failed it and my CCNA 8 years ago. Just got the A+ Net +and MCP. I left IT about 3 or 4 years ago.

[gzabetas]

Thanks neffer and AS. Its all I need today!!

Whoa Steve85 you hit it on the head I think.

Two days ago I discovered that she lost 1 of her part time jobs. She told me it was my fault. LOL. We are on our second month of divorce with very little interaction. I guess I have Jedi mind tricks to persuade her employers to let her go thru the ether.
And yes, her honeymoon is over as OM is back with his steady woman.
Her fantasy is collapsing.


IHCLACS thanks for the info. Man there sure are alot of disorders out there.
I did get a chance to talk to her therapist, as he was treating both of us, and after pages and pages of notes on her behavior at home I handed him, he only said "She is immature". Its funny how all of us here on these forums dig deep into books of current trends and new discoveries on the psyche and a councelor will never go into that detail.
I dont know if its laziness on their part or overthinking on our part.
Or the unreliable narrator. I know for a fact no one has seen the face of my wife that I know.

Its hard for an IC to diagnose when people hide so well.
Lying especially. Why go to a therapist if you dont disclose stuff is beyond me.

But even this diagnosis of Immaturity on her part may not be so simple. Looking it up online, it does display adults stuck in the young age emotionally where the world revolved around them, getting their way and clearly not empathizing with another person's POV.

Great job on the A+ certis. I passed my CCNA this past fall. Adding some Windows stuff.
I left IT 13 years ago so I need a strong card going back in

[FlySolo]

You are doing great G. Your last few posts have been less about her and more about you and how you are moving forward. That's a big change and you should be proud.

Then she created a story of me, stringing 5-6 events where I dropped the ball (forgot valentines day once etc) and she is sticking to it.

They all do this. We all do this. We have an idea in our head of how things were and how people are. These don't always have much to do with reality and more to do with what we are feeling. Then we cherry pick bits and pieces of our past to validate how we feel. When I was in the throes of things, I remembered only the good. He remembered only the bad. The same memories. The same experiences. Different interpretations. Now, I see our marriage for what it was. Good and bad. So does he.

It justified her affair I guess

The affair was a symptom of her unhappiness. People who are happy in their marriages do not have affairs. Why she was unhappy is a different conversation. Could be childhood trauma. Could be depression. Could be narcissism. Could be you. Could be that two good people just drifted apart. Doesn't matter. When you are ready to look at your marriage objectively and own the things you did that contributed to the BD, then you can 180 on those things and become a better you. Leave her to her. She might do the work and become a better her. Then again, she might not. Not your problem anymore.

The moment with your boy sounds lovely. I'd like you to reframe it though.

My boy ran passed his mother and gramma, having spotted me and rushed to hug me. He broke away from them and had his eyes fixed on me. I needed that vote of approval today.I am crying even as I write this. What a positive note for my day!!

What made that moment beautiful was the interaction between your boy and you. It had nothing to do with your W and her mom.

[gzabetas]

Thanks for reading the posts Flysolo and offering your female perspective.

I agree on all your points of what contributes to the unhappiness of our spouse.
Trust me I spent a lot of time pointing light on all aspects of me and what I could have fixed. IC sessions, books, this forum, talks with friends etc.
At some point though it didnt add up to her decision.

How unhappy was she? We'll never know.
But aren't we all at some point.

As to the moment with my boy, I do not mean to diminish his mother (which she is doing a good job, when not being weird) but the details do count. They do to me.

He will have his mother forever, but after this summer I am leaving the country.
The fact that she was there and he came to me said, that mom is not enough, I need some of you too.

[gzabetas]

"Not like this... not like this"

Wondering if this thought captures alot of the forum members thoughts.

Wonder if you also had been thru many hardships with your spouse, but believing in each other and with strong will beyond human endurance you somehow made it as a family unit.

Some of my flashbacks include difficult surgeries, a very complicated birth, financial crisis etc.
Years ago a horse attacked me and chewed on my arm and throwing me around. She jumped in and rescued me too.
Thru it all we came winners, and when I look at where I stand now, with my right wingman having betrayed me for so long and having made it to the other side alone, I keep thinking this line we hear in movies

Not like this mi amore, not like this...

Standing alone in the aftermath of what they left behind for us to piece together, smoking a cigarette in a pensive mood.

You really did it. You were the one who brought us down.

Life sure is strange...and unpredictable.

[Destroyd]

Everyday I can't believe this is happening to my marriage. The person how I have loved for so long, just stopped loving me. I never saw it happen, I thought we were just in a mature relationship, until the day she said ILYBIANILWY. Now my heart is broken. She doens't seem like the person I have known all of these years.

[gzabetas]

Totally understand you destroyd. At least we share this forum to see that we are not the only ones.
There is a plethora of good men in here (not violent, or drug users or gamblers) that simply missed some cues from a wife who felt neglected and found themselves wished into the cornfields by their wife.
It really is like a Twilight zone episode.

And I wholeheartedly disagree with people suggesting that it must have been something on our side.
Our side of the relationship could have been spotless but her demons - past childhood trauma - MLC etc
was simply too strong to fight off.

[gzabetas]

Well, it seems this MLC or WAW thing is spreading like a pandemic.

Yesterday I heard from my sister, that her daughter's (my niece) friend's mother is in the hospital with a nervous breakdown.

This beautiful soul that was always smiling (we live in a small town and the faces are familiar) had her husband pull an MLC on her. He left children and her behind in pursuit of his "personal happiness ??".

I feel so tempted to go meet her in the hospital and tell her it will be OK, that I am currently going thru being a LBS and that it gets better, really. But she doesnt know me and she will wonder about how I found out, gossip sources etc.

But I feel so much pain for all the uninitiated that follow behind us in similar paths. Knowing how much pain and confusion we went thru its hard to see new people go thru it, without the support. Thank God, I had this forum, but I doubt she will have knowledge of English speaking forums online etc.

My sister always tells me that if she was in my shoes she knows she wouldnt have survived like I did.
Its still a struggle but thank God I found this forum.

Wondering if you guys have any advice on if I should help this woman and how to even begin.

Thanls

[AlisonUK]

You have a kind heart towards your Niece's friend's mother. I think the best part of our horrible situations is how it allows us to have compassion for others in their suffering. Unless you're already close and have a friendship with her, I would let her be - and perhaps just pray for her (if that is something you do) or give your sister suggestions on how to help her. It might be strange for her to have that type of conversation with a relative stranger - she might (as you suggest) feel gossiped about. If you live near her and there's something practical and anonymous you could do for her - like cut her lawns - then perhaps that's an idea. I think a woman in that situation might need the friendship of another woman.