I think he is trying to initiate small talk, it's a good idea to always have somewhere to go or be. Take advantage of the childfree time, have some GAL plans each and every time (even if it means just going to the cinema or reading in a bookshop or something) and have your coat on and bag ready when he comes to the door. 'Hello H. I have some things to do today so I am going to leave you do it. Lunch for Baby is on the stove. See you at 5!' and then breeze out in a gale of perfume and with a cheery wave.
Even better if he takes your daughter to his own place, and you just have her ready with her things, take her to the door when he knocks on it, give him any information he needs, then get back in the house. You can be brisk and friendly. 'Hello, H. Baby has been looking forward to seeing you. Change of clothes in her bag, and she had a late breakfast today so might not want her lunch at the usual time. Have a lovely afternoon!' *close door*
I think it is going to be impossible to really go dark if he's in your space and you'll both fall into old habits of playing happy families then resenting each other for it if it continues too long. Ask me know I know this...
Yes, I think you’re right. We’ve been playing happy family for a long time now. Yes, a lot of that falls to him as the leaving party. Yes, a lot of that was for our daughter as I badly do not want to disrupt her young life. But a lot of it falls to me as well. I did it for so long because it felt good, and because for a long time I genuinely thought that’s what would bring my husband back to us. That is clearly not the case, and it took me quite some time to see that. This step away from that will be very difficult and sad for me, but I know it’s for the best for us no matter what direction this goes in.
I get it. H has been coming to the house to see the children. He comes after work, has his tea (which I cook) then sits and either spends some time with the kids, or does a little housework with me - cleaning up after tea - or messes about on his computer - for a couple of hours. We fell into a pattern of him doing this two or three nights a week. He rarely has Youngest at his house, and Eldest has never been there. He will take Youngest out at the weekend now and again, but never Eldest. It's really really hard. I allow it because I miss him and I want to see him and I want him to see me and my changes. Which is a basic DBing error. And then I resent it because it feels really humiliating to cook for him and make him a coffee then wave him away at the door. He's not really pulling his weight with the kids. I could demand that - demand that he see Youngest at his house, and do the school uniform ironing and homework and all the other domestic drudge he is opting out of. And he'd do it too, I know he would. Then I'd never see him at all. And that would be really really hard on me. I do need to do that though. Things have taken a bit of a turn for the worse between us in this past couple of weeks - after a couple of months of this fairly stable and cordial routine. And it was because my feelings of resentment were growing and growing and he didn't seem to appreciate the efforts I was making to help him feel supported and welcome at a really difficult time in his career. It was messed up.
Yes, a month or two ago when I realized that I was still routinely cooking dinner for my H and our daughter when he came here I was suddenly furious about it and stopped it immediately. My H would text before he arrived to ask if I was cooking or if he should take care of dinner and I started responding that he should take care of it each and every time. I never announced that I would no longer cook dinner on his nights as a parent, I just stopped doing it. We are at similar stages in this way. we both realize that we have been allowing for the happy family routine because it makes us feel good and it allows us to see our husbands and makes an opportunity for them to see our changes. And now we have both grown resentful of the cake eating that has allowed. We have also both let our resentment get the best of us and done things that do not jive with DBing (you giving yours and ultimatum and me telling mine to hurry up and divorce me already). It's interesting to notice.
It's a very confusing combination of feelings, isn't it? On the one hand I feel so strongly like yelling to him "if you are going to go just GO". (I suppose I did just that last week, and I regret it) On the other hand I'm so afraid that if I really set these boundaries and go dark I will have given up too soon, and pushed him away just as he began to inch back toward me. My H is away on a fishing trip with a close friend of his. I remember las time he went on this very same trip with the very same friend, I imagined the two of them having this heart to heart in which my H would reveal his inner conflict and indecision and his friend would guide him back to our family. I don't have that daydream this time around. We won't see him until he gets later this week. I am trying to remain strong and hold on to my conviction to go dark. I am extremely anxious and feeling incredibly sad that it's come to this after all this time. I want to shake him and say "Just STOP THIS already and let go of the past." Of course, I won't. I am afraid that we will slip right back into limbo, and equally afraid that we won't and that he will move forward with divorce.
Yes, I think we're in exactly the same place. I am sorry you are where I am, because it is awful, but knowing there's someone else treading the same path makes it feel like less of a unique catastrophe and more of a painful part of what is normal in these situations, if you see what I mean.
I don't think H would ever proceed towards divorce. Limbo suits him. He's as afraid as I am. I think I'm more afraid of things staying the same between us than I am of getting divorced right now, which feels a bit scary to admit.
I suppose that's why it's called limbo, because nobody wants to move in either direction because the thought of D is too scary for both people and R is too scary for the WAS... I no longer have fantasies of H walking back in the door saying he wants to come back. I think if he did I would tell him to walk back out and work on himself first.
My attraction to divorce is to end the uncertainty. But it wouldn't turn off the feelings, and people carry on sleeping with each other and fighting each other and messing about with each other's lives and finances even after divorce, so it isn't like a death. There's no way out but through.
I often wish that my H could, at the very least, acknowledge that he too is afraid of a divorce, rather than insisting there are other reasons it hasn't happened as of yet. But I suppose if he had the self awareness and vulnerability, and felt safe enough to admit those things, than we probably wouldn't be where we are...
Yes, that's very true! If they could have been honest enough with us then we wouldn't have been BDed. The lack of safety still flummoxes me, how can you be afraid of your wife? Yet my H is, somehow, it's very, very odd.
